Author's note: If you have read Always this was to be the end of it, but I could seem to drag it out for the next two seasons with only the little crumbs they gave us. So I ended it where I did and it worked much better. I had this huge chunk of writing that I loved and so I made it into it's own story. I added some new pieces to it when I created the new story. This is not a sequel to Always but a stand alone story. It was one of the first pieces of SG-1 that I wrote.
I was listening to The Heart Won't Lie By Reba and Vince Gill and the song just fit Jack and Sam. It's not a song fic, but the song was in my mind when I wrote it. Then when I learned she went to Atlantis, a fic was born. I tweaked it a bit and turned it into its own story.
AN2: I have made a change. I had George Hammond as a Brigadier General. I remember seeing that in one of my edits, but had to look what exactly he was but forgot to do it. Thank you to Denise M. for pointing it out.
Me again: Thank you to Judyhild for going over this one too. She did a great job catching all the little typos that I missed. :0)
Spoilers: Most of the show. Not in any detail but little bits here and there.
Disclaimer: I only own the 10 seasons on DVD, nothing else.
Walking into the ballroom, Colonel Samantha Carter told herself over and over again in her mind that she did not love him anymore. That part of her life was over and in the past.
One look at him, and she knew the truth, each and every word was a lie. She loved Jack O'Neill and there was no point in trying to run any longer. It was time to face him; she only had to find the courage. Standing alone in the crowded ballroom, freshly returned to Earth from Atlantis, Sam knew that it was time to either end this thing between them forever, or try and make him understand. Everyone seemed to know her, but she recognized no one, except Jack.
Jack O'Neill, the man she had walked away from not once, but twice. Once, when they had been a part of SG-1, but she had not spoken of her feelings in those eight years. In the past, there had always been another enemy to fight. First, there was Apophis, then the Replicators and Anubis, the most frightening of all. Just after they defeated Anubis and thought there was a chance to be happy, the Ori showed up. Again, there was no time or room in their lives for their emotions or a relationship, or so she told herself as she walked away.
When she had hurt him the first time, he was still there when she needed him. He sat beside her and held her as her father slipped away. He was the man who she had promised to wait for until they could be together, until the war was over. In a moment of weakness, she had let her fears lead her away from him into the arms of another man.
Then, when her father had died, and she ended it with Pete, she thought they had a chance to be together. The war was over and they had won. They should have been happy, but their lives seemed to be some horrible joke. Just as they held happiness in their arms, it was snatched away and Sam fled from the pain. Everyone expected Jack to be the one who did that, after all, he had done it before. Instead, she was the one who shut everyone out, she was the one who left in the end. The first time she had run from him, it was Jack's understanding that had pulled them through, but she wasn't sure he had any left, not after what she had done.
She wished her father was here; he would have helped her through that black time and forced her to deal with the pain, like he had when her mother died. Dad. It still hurt to think of his loss, he was supposed to live so much longer than she was. He should have been able to see her children and hold them. It had been three years, but it still hurt and she missed talking to him and having his counsel.
Not long after his death, she had transferred to Area 51 and Jack went to Washington. It was the chance they had been waiting for, a chance to be together. All too soon, everything fell apart and she gave into her fears, breaking his heart and her own. She used the new Ori threat, but it was pain and fear that caused her to walk away from the only man she would ever love. Telling both him and herself that the world needed her to save it again.
Studying him from across the room, Sam just watched him for a moment. Happy that he was alive and well. Jack O'Neill stood tall and handsome in his dress blues. His grey hair, probably neat at the beginning of the night, was now in disarray from his frustrated fingers.
Her eyes strayed to the eagles pinned to her shoulder, they were his eagles and he had pinned them there. It had been one of the hardest days of her life. She knew what people expected to see and so they both had played their part. No one knew about their separation. Only she could read his eyes and see his emotions for just a second as he saluted her. Did he really still love her? It had been there just for a heartbeat and then shut away. She thought it was over. He had never come after her or tried to talk to her about why she left. Their only contact was a short message left on their answering machine telling him she wasn't coming back.
Afraid of all the emotion swirling around in her, Sam had fled the ceremony afraid of what might happen if she talked to him. What would he say, or she, for that matter? How can you tell the man you love that you are sorry for walking out without a word.
After this time could he still "Care about her more than he should"? After Pete and the pain she had caused him by lying to herself, and Jack? He had forgiven her and given her another chance, but would he do it again? How much love did this man have for her, did she deserve it?
But now, the only thing that stood between her and Jack was the distance across the room and her fear. A fear that it wouldn't be all that she hoped. That it would not work out between them and she would be alone, still loving Jack.
The fear, that since they last spoke, he had moved on and found someone else. Since her return, she had picked up the phone only to put it back down, afraid who would answer. It would be better to have hope than lose all her dreams.
A child with Jack's dark eyes and cheeky smile. The image of him holding the baby close hovered just before her eyes. Shutting her eyes, she fought the tears that threatened to spill out. She could not stray there with her thoughts, they would shatter her.
"Colonel Carter." her eyes opened to see a retired Lieutenant General Hammond standing in front of her. While she talked to George, as he told her to call her now, her eyes sought out Jack O'Neill across the room. After all these years, they were still so close yet so far apart. She smiled at the cliché, Jack hated them. In this case it was true - all too true.
His eyes met hers and his expression changed, from a man truly bored, to a man who had just been gifted with the best present ever. Muttering something to the person who he was speaking to, Jack took two steps toward her, only to be stopped by someone else. His body language screamed his frustration and Sam had to smile, only someone who knew him well could tell.
Sam and George spoke a while before he moved on. People nodded to her, but no one stopped to talk. It seemed that they thought her unapproachable; she was a hero after all. She wanted to run, but she was frozen in place while he drew closer. One step forward, two back again.
Her fears gripped her, their feelings had been long set aside in the name of earth and keeping the universe safe for the children they might never have. Could it really work between them or had they placed each other on unreachable pedestals? Maybe they had forgotten what it meant to love someone and to be allowed to touch them. Could they find each other through the layers of hurt and pain? Hope blossomed and died again as she gave into her fears and fled. He had not followed before; he would not do it now.
Jack knew the instant Sam walked into the room but he had been conversation with some ambassador or another. It was amazing that it, whatever they had, was still there between them, tying them together and ripping them apart.
As soon as he could, he looked over at her. It hurt; he had tried for so long to stay away from her, but to be there if she needed him. It was a fine line that he walked as the CO of SG-1 and sometimes, one or the other of them slipped, but not in the last two and a half years. Not being with her everyday had allowed him to build up walls for when they were together.
He had tried to give her the space to live her life, to find someone else to love. She deserved someone so much better than him. A better man, whose soul was not so black, marred with scars and stained with so much blood. A soldier sometimes does horrible things for God and country.
One look, told him it hadn't worked, and it never would. In two other realities, they had loved one another until one or the other had died, and the same was true for this one. Even Pete and her engagement to him, had not come between them, not really.
When he stuck his head in that stupid ancient device again, she had come to him, to tell him how she felt, twice. It was the same when Janet died and he came too close to dying again, she was there with her heart in her eyes. He had to just nod and smile, stopping her from saying those words out loud with his soft, "C'me're" and a hug. That was dangerous enough, to have Sam Carter in his arms, knowing she would never be his to love.
It would have caused too many problems and let too much out of the room. It would have all come rushing out and consumed them. No matter how hard they tried to stay away from each other, fate pulled them back together in some cosmic joke. Like the time all the alternate SG-1 teams came through the gate. Every one of those Carter's had their Jack in their lives, all except his, because he let her go without a fight. He had been hurt too much to do anything but watch her walk out of his life.
The few times they had been able to touch, it had been heaven, only to plunge them into hell. Their love had burned hot, only to die, the ashes scattered in the name of earth and regulations.
Now seeing her again, alive and beautiful, it was all there rising to the surface, and he was too weary to pretend anymore. They weren't getting any younger and it was time to put up or shut up. He wanted to cross the room and take her in to his arms and kiss her just like he did in the time loop, rumor and everything else be damned. It was time to see if his dreams and hope had any place in reality.
They waited for so long, and now nothing stood in their way but his own fears and pain. Fear that he had waited too long again. After Charlie died and he went to Abydos, he never wanted another child until he met Carter. It was a chance for too much pain. Now after all this time, would he ever hold a child with Carter's blue eyes? Was it too late? Had she found someone else to love her?
Her eyes told him that it wasn't, but she had looked at him like that before when she was with someone else. Then she smiled her smile that was only for him and he knew she felt the same way despite her actions or his. George hugged her and disappeared in the crowd, leaving her alone.
The Russian ambassador stopped him to say how grateful she was yadda yadda and more yadda. He shook her hand, murmured how nice it was to meet her, and walked away to meet Carter. Every advance he made, Jack was halted by someone who wished to speak to him. He was a powerful man in Washington now and he had to do a little smoosing, even though he hated it. By the time he reached the spot where she stood, Carter was no longer there.
Running his hand through his hair in frustration, he wondered where she had gone. Turning his gaze around the room he tried to guess where she went. He felt his hope die a little.
George came over, "Try the courtyard, son. Don't forget she was hurting when she left, just as much as you. It's time to end this. I love the both of you and I hate to see you this way. Don't let her leave without talking to you, Jack." The older man patted his shoulder and walked away a few steps before stopping, "She needs to face it. Stop her from running, you need to as well."
With a determined look on his face Jack left the ballroom and George, ignoring the calls for him to stop.
Once out in the domed courtyard, he began to look for Sam. He found her sitting alone looking up, through the glass, at the stars. Turning her head at the sound of his approach, the light reflected off a single tear as it trailed down her cheek.
Seeing Sam like this hit him like a punch in the gut. In the ten years he had known her, he could count on one hand the times he had seen her cry. Even that horrible day when their world fell apart two and a half years ago, there had been no tears.
Now that he had her alone and nothing between them, Jack had no idea what to say to get her to come back to him.
Sam sat down heavily on the stone bench, she couldn't do this. She thought that she could see him and feel nothing, but one look and it was all rushing over her, dragging her under again. It hurt too much, it was too late. Too much time had passed and she had hurt him too much. Could she really expect him to still love her after all this time and what she had done? She was the one who had said goodbye twice, and crushed his heart as she did it.
Sighing, she stood, only to come face to face with the cause for her tears, Jack O'Neill. "Sir?!"
He looked even better up close. She itched to touch him, to kiss him, to hold him and to tell him everything she had always wanted to say but could not. Everything that they shut up in that room, but her fears still controlled her movements and kept her imprisoned.
"Carter, were you gonna leave without saying goodbye, or hello for that matter?" Jack asked in his sarcastic way, but his smile took the edge off his words.
Flustered she said, "No, I..." Turning away she tried to hide the tears that fell.
"Carter-Sam it's time to stop this. We have given up so much-too much and I can't do it anymore. I still love you and I want to try again." He paused, running his hands through his hair trying to gain control of his emotions. "I need to know if I waited too long." He turned her face back to him catching her tears with his thumb.
Sitting down beside her on the bench, he waited for her to speak. When she did not, he dropped her hand. "It's too late. You found someone else. It's Mitchell isn't it." His words were not questions.
She pulled away from his touch, it was too gentle, so much more than she deserved. He should be angry and hate her for what she had done to him. He deserved to know the truth about how she felt. Then, it would be in his hands to decide where to go from there. "No, Cam and I aren't like that. He's like Daniel, my brother. Maybe if I hadn't met you, I would have, could have, but-there was you. There was always you. No one else, not even Pete, means more to me."
"Do you mean it? I was so afraid that you had found someone else. After you left me and rejoined SG-1, I heard rumours much like I used to about us. Only this time, they were about you and Mitchell. I stayed away, afraid that you loved him, that you had moved on, but until you were married, I never gave up hope. Hope that you would come home to me."
He paused and drew a breath, reaching out to take her hand, "I mean we locked it away it that room for so long. You don't know how many times I wanted to kick that stupid door in, but I couldn't. Then we let it all out and we were happy. When you left, I just shoved it all back into that room. I thought that you realized I wasn't worth it and you wanted out of our marriage. "He stood, sighing as he ran his finger through his hair in frustration at himself, and her, for being so stupid and wasting so much time.
"Then Teal'c told me about what happened in the time bubble. That you missed me and that you still loved me years later even knowing that everything had changed for you. I saw that you needed to know how I felt. Sam, we were good together, and I want that back, it doesn't matter you left me. I just want you to come back to me. If we haven't kicked this thing between us after ten years, I don't think we ever will. "
She opened her mouth to speak but he continued on with what he had to say as though if he stopped it would all be gone, "Just when I felt that you ready to try again, you were promoted and assigned to Atlantis. I gave you my eagles hoping that it would be a peace offering. That it would be enough to show you that I wasn't mad any longer, if I ever was, but you never came to me. The day you left, I was trying to get to the SGC. I didn't want you to leave without my telling you, that I still loved you and I had forgiven you so long ago. I walked right out of a meeting with the joint chiefs to try and get to you, but I was too late. I arrived just in time to see you vanish in the Asgard beam. I called your name but you didn't hear me. They offered to let me talk to you when you arrived, but there was nothing I wanted to say to you with an audience."
Her voice was quiet, "I did hear you but I thought it was just my imagination. I heard desperation, hope and love in that one word. Once I got to Atlantis, I told myself that it wasn't you. How can you still love me after what I did?"
He looked up and cupped her face in his hands, "I don't want to wait any longer. I love you, Sam. I want you beside me as my wife because it hurts too much to be away from you. I need you by my side when I wake, throughout the day and in the middle of the night when I have those dreams. I miss you."
More tears ran down her cheeks, swallowing, she began to speak, "I picked up the phone but I was so afraid that you'd found someone else. That another woman would answer the phone. I would come by your house and leave without seeing you. I was afraid that I waited too long to speak up. You've always been there when I needed you, even after I hurt you. I didn't think you could forgive me for walking away from you. I thought that I had hurt you too much. I just left. You were hurting, but you didn't pull away from me. I was the one to do that, you were only trying to get me to talk, cry or anything, but instead I just left. I couldn't stand to look at that room anymore. It mocked me because our child would never sleep in there again. She died, and it hurt me."
"Sam, I was there, all you had to do was look. I wanted to share the pain. I loved Grace too. She never had a chance to live, but we could have tried again. They told us that losing her was a chance. It just hurt us more than we thought. They said that there was nothing anyone could have done. She was beautiful and I buried her beside Charlie. Sam, please come home to me."
Reaching up, she touched his face and he turned into her hand kissing it. "How can you want me back after all this time and what I did. Why now, Jack, after all this time. It's been two and a half years since she died." Her voice broke.
"Her name was Grace, and she was our daughter. I ran out of excuses to stay away. When they sent you to Atlantis, I realized that I was the one being stupid now. If you weren't going to come to me, I was going to come to you.
"It hurt when I woke up the morning before Grace's funeral and you were gone. At first I thought you had gone for a walk and you would be back. None of your things were gone. That hurt the most, you left everything of our lives together behind. You didn't take your rings or anything of Grace's. I waited for you to realize that her death was not your fault. She had a hole in her heart and her blood type made it impossible to find a donor in time."
She was angry now. "You make it sound so simple, as though it was just a rare blood type and there were no donors available. It was the naquada in her blood, that I passed on to her. I killed our daughter, Jack. My body gave her life and then it killed her."
Grabbing her shoulders, he stopped her from turning away, "Stop it. You didn't kill Grace. You have to stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault. They had no idea about the heart defect until she was born. There was nothing we could have done to prevent it."
With a sharp twist of her shoulder, she freed herself from his grasp and he let her go. Her voice was harsh and mean when she spoke, "Like you did with Charlie?" She wanted to send him into retreat and leave her alone and not make her face this. She wasn't sure what she thought would happen when she saw him again. Maybe they would just move on and pretend that Grace never existed.
Jack O'Neill surprised her and stood his ground. "Yes, exactly like that. I could have prevented his death if I had bought a new lock box for my gun when it broke. I carry some of the blame but not all of it. Charlie knew better, he knew he shouldn't touch my gun. I'm not at fault for his choices, only mine, just like you. You chose to leave me to stand alone at Grace's grave. Charlie was a tragedy and so was Grace, but I faced them. Have you faced her death, Sam? Have you mourned our little girl?"
Sam trembled at his words; he knew that she had not cried for Grace. She had cried for herself, and for the pain she caused Jack, but never for Grace. "It's all right to remember the good days, Sam. In those few months, we had so many good memories. We loved her and gave her the best life we could. Don't punish her for dying, remember our little girl Sam. Remember how much you loved her."
From the pocket of his jacket, he took out a picture he carried there right over his heart. He placed it in her hands. Sam looked down at the creased photograph. She saw herself smiling at the camera with Grace in her arms and Jack sitting on the bed beside her with his arm around her. They looked so happy, they had been so happy. Tears started to fall and sobs came after them. Jack pulled her into his arms and held her while she mourned for their child.
Holding her he spoke, "How could I not love you? I was angry with you, but only for leaving me, not because of Grace. I need you in my life. Both Grace and Charlie are here in my heart and someday we will see them again. I have to believe that. This life can't be it, whether we turn into energy or something else. I can remember the good times, but it's time to create more good memories. Stop dwelling on those few horrible moments and remember all the good days. Come back to me Sam, I need you. I need to know if this is what you want, or if you have to let me go. It's your choice, you left, and you have to end this. You know what I want, what do you?" He lifted her chin and kissed her gently. "Let me love you."
Her voice trembled as she spoke, "Jack, I..." She wanted back into his life, but was she worthy to stand by his side after leaving him to mourn their daughter alone?
Reaching into his pocket, he removed a ring box. Taking her hand, he slipped the rings back on to her finger, "I've carried these for such a long time. Come home to me and be my wife again. Please."
Sam looked down at the rings on her finger amazed. After all the pain, and both of them being stubborn, this was happening. He still loved her and she loved him. Nothing was keeping them apart except her. Could they really do this, could they love each other? Without destroying the world and each other?
Her mind kept flowing until he spoke again, "Carter, Sam, I'm floundering here."
Her eyes lifted from the rings to meet his, and she knew they had to try, she knew they would make it this time. Then she smiled that smile and he knew it was yes. Holding out his hand, he lead her home where he showed her how much he missed her. And hope was alive once more.
What do you think. Did I make you cry? I did when I read this just before posting it. I admit it. I couldn't leave them there and so there is a second chapter. Let me know like it or hate it....