If you are a huge fan of gushy Mary-Sue stories, don't bother to read this. If you are a die-hard LotR fan wishing to prove your devotion, feel free. Feel free to review as well. Enjoy!

Evanesce's Guide to Becoming a Devoted LotR Fan:

1. Let everyone in your school know.

This can be done in several simple ways. The easiest of these being: breaking into the principal's office and announcing it over the loudspeaker. The principal being of course wrapped in a makeshift sort of spider web.

2. Watch the movies. A lot.

Roughly twenty times each every four months should be good. That's sixty times a year. Other than that, try to watch them each twenty times straight. To get the whole trilogy in, this would take about nine days, leaving twenty minutes a day for sleep.

3. Try to get really into the action of the movie.

Can't swing a sword as well as Aragorn? Can't shoot an arrow as well as Legolas? Never fear. Just schedule lessons. Like fencing, archery, horse-back riding, and knife-throwing lessons. How to raise money for these lessons? We'll work on that.

4. Get a Lord of the Rings makeover.

This is simple. Schedule plastic surgery to receive elven ears. Don't wash for a couple of days. If you really want to be daring, break into the makeup department of The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway, and steal some prosthetic makeup. Try to invent yourself as a new type of orc.

5. Download the near ten hours of movie soundtrack music onto your I-Pod.

This way you can always carry the excitement of the movie with you. Even better, download the movies onto your I-Pod, so you can have dialogue as well. And to get around the small problem of "no electronics in school," just insert some wireless speakers into your new elven ears.

6. Attempt to break into Elijah Wood's home to steal the one ring.

This can have a dual purpose. While there, take a few pictures of Master Wood in his PJs. You can sell these pictures on e-bay for, say, enough to pay for those fencing lessons. And the plastic surgery.

-To get even more money, break into Orlando Bloom's house. To steal…uhh…his wig or something…

7. Invent your own battle cry.

It doesn't have to be as dramatic as "For Frodo!" with all the slow-motion drawing of the swords or anything. Just enough to disturb your neighbors a couple houses down when they don't invite you to swim in their new pool. Practice the whole volume factor of it while watching the movie. Scream at Gandalf to get off the bridge or something.

8. Test some of the things in the movies, Mythbusting-style.

Like is it really possible to knock down the doors of a castle with a battering ram? Travel to an old castle to find out. If no battering rams are available, just use your dad's pickup truck. And can your mom's wedding ring really turn you invisible? What happens if you drop it in a campfire? Will your house fall down?

9. Invent a big long epic hero name for yourself.

You know how Aragorn is actually something like Aragorn II, King Elessar of the Reunited Kingdom of Gondor and Arnor, Chieftain of the Dunedain of the North, and a bunch of other stuff? Well, do the same thing for yourself. Just don't make a Mary-Sue name like Crystalina-Rainbow the Gorgeous, Princess of the beautiful land of Pink Dewey Sunbeam Roses, Ruler of the Prismatic Flying Fairy Unicorns. You'll probably get lynched.

10. Write a lot of LotR fan fiction.

And don't write normal little Mary-Sue stories and Legofics. Try something new. Like Lord of the Rings: The Musical. Or some thesis on some obscure detail of the books, like a hobbit family tree of the Bolgers.

There, it wasn't that bad, was it? Maybe I'll update soon, if I get enough reviews.