AN: Some silliness I wrote a couple of years ago as a Secret Santa gift for fellow author DoorbellSpider, and only fairly recently realized I'd never posted here. Two memories of writing it come to mind - the insanity of trying to write a self-insert type story on behalf of someone I knew very little about, and annoyance at myself for having to cut a part of the story modeled after 'The Usual Suspects', with Cassandra in the role of Agent Kujan and Varric as Keyser Soze - no matter how much I wanted it to, it just didn't work with a female Hawke. Anyway, hopefully you'll enjoy this departure from my typical writing.
Varric knew he was late – very late. He'd just managed to talk his way out of the clutches of the Seekers, yet gaining distance from them for himself wasn't his sole source of urgency as he crossed Hightown. They were getting too close to her. He hoped she was still safe.
He was in such a hurry to reach the prearranged meeting place that he ran smack into an elf crossing his path, knocking them both to the ground.
"M-my apologies, Messere," the elf said as they got up.
Varric waved his hand to indicate it was no concern, but as he turned away the elf grabbed his arm.
"Forgive me, but I believe you dropped this," he said quietly, palming a small folded sheet of vellum.
The dwarf stared at the elf's outstretched hand for a long moment. He didn't know what this was about, but he now understood that the collision was no accident. "Uhhh… right… thanks."
Varric waited only a minute after walking away before prying loose the seal. His curiosity was further piqued by recognizing her handwriting.
When you smile at me I smile right back
Yet drop me and I will surely crack
A grin slowly spread across his lips as his initial confusion gave way to realization. She was letting him know there had been a change of plans, and the riddle told him exactly where to find her.
Finally outside the city and certain he wasn't being followed by Seeker agents, Varric moved off the road into the woods, crunching dried leaves under foot while picking his way through the thicket until he reached a small clearing. Traveling alone on the open road under a starless sky was a bad idea. Better to get some shuteye and finish the last few hours of his trek in the morning.
This will do, he thought as he shed his pack.
Satisfied that he'd hear anyone or anything approaching, he allowed himself to relax and set Bianca down gently beside him. Then he reached inside his duster and retrieved a small device from one of the hidden pockets.
A smartphone she called it. Supposedly let you communicate with someone a long distance away, though she'd been quick to point out it was useless for that in Thedas.
Varric still suspected she was yanking his chain, but then again, if he hadn't seen it himself he'd have called bullshit on a device that recorded perfect images simply by pointing it at whatever and pressing a button. And while he was warming up to the extremely foreign style of music the thing played on demand, that hadn't made sense either. He'd nearly caused her to laugh herself to death when she first showed him and he asked if very tiny musicians were magically trapped inside the device.
A glance at the top of the screen told him he wasn't in danger of running it out of power. That was good, since the other thingy that stole energy from the sun to recharge the smartphone wasn't going to do him a lot of good in the middle of the night.
He tapped the photo library and brought up her picture, the one she'd taken specifically for him moments before giving him the smartphone and parting ways. The precocious woman's slight grin exuded mischief, yet there was something special about her expression, something she didn't grant to just anyone. It made him miss his friend even more, even though he suspected she planned it that way.
She was leaving Thedas. Tired of the instability of living semi-on the run, she'd spent more than a year helping Merrill finally succeed in fully restoring the eluvian. The past few months had seen the three of them tying up loose ends, though aggressive Seeker pursuit led to them splitting up so Varric could draw the heat away from the women. When the plan became to regroup at their old stomping grounds in a month's time, the expectation was that it would be the last time he saw her.
After much soul searching, however, he hoped that wouldn't be the case.
He tapped the picture again to close it. But as he was reaching for the power button to shut off the device, his eyes were once again drawn to that one photo album. Unlike the others he'd naturally snooped through, this one prompted for a password. Hundreds of wrong guesses over the last few weeks had only fed his imagination.
"Why do you taunt me so?" he asked, sighing theatrically after a few 'wrong password' declarations mocked his latest attempts.
Several more failed attempts later he rubbed his face in irritation. "Just what in the Void are you hiding anyway?"
It had become personal.
"Probably stuff to…" Just then the proverbial light came on and he rapidly keyed in b-l-a-c-k-m-a-i-l.
"You've gotta be shitting me…"
This time the password was accepted.
Almost immediately he regretted his curiosity. Staring him in the face was a drunken Blondie wearing feathered pauldrons… and nothing else. The grin on his face suggested he'd actually posed like that.
Flicking over to the next picture was even worse. Somehow she'd managed to catch Daisy and Prince Choirboy in the act. At least that's what Varric assumed they were getting at. Daisy was decked out in black leather dominatrix garb, with a whip in one hand and the reins of a leash in the other. Judging by the naked Chantry boy's state of arousal, he clearly didn't mind the elven blood mage having him on all fours and gagged.
"Maker!" Varric hissed, "I'll never be unable to un-see that."
Nevertheless, he couldn't stop himself from continuing to the next image.
An involuntary groan came forth. He might have admired her ability to capture such an action shot if not for the subject matter. There hewas with a mouthful of the guard-captain's bare crotch.
Varric had nearly forgotten that night ever happened. What was that stupid game she convinced us all to play? Oh, yeah… 'Strip Twister'.
Varric put his face in the palm of his hand as his memory unfortunately kicked in. The winner of each round kept their clothes while all the losers gave up another article of clothing. Short arms and legs had conspired to ensure he was the first one fully undressed.
Eventually none of them had clothes left, though he vaguely remembered Rivaini getting so annoyed about the broody elf winning too much that she tackled him and hastened the removal of his clothes. Varric was also pretty sure that every one of them was blind drunk by the end.
He chuckled after successfully testing his theory that the trashcan thingy on the screen would get rid of the offending image. "Oopsie…"
Another picture from the 'Strip Twister' game followed. Poor Rivaini. The rogue was standing, leaned forward with her left hand touching the ground.
"Gravity is one mean mother…" Varric choked out between laughs.
Unrestrained by the Bustier of Epic Support +2, her breasts hung low enough to scrape the floor. For a woman who used sex appeal as a large part of her game, the resulting image was comically unattractive.
The next picture nearly made Varric's eyes pop out of his head. He could see himself on his bed in the background, passed out drunk. In the foreground, Rivaini was holding Bianca while Blondie, with his robe hiked to his chest, appeared to be rubbing his ass over Bianca.
"That is so wrong… I… I can't believe they violated you like that," he said, reaching over and gently stroking Bianca's stock. "I'm sorry, girl."
Delete.
As Varric flipped through the rest of the images in the album, his responses continued to range from appalled to astounded to amused. Finally he reached the end and cut the power.
Ten years… he thought as he closed his eyes and shifted into sleep mode. Time flies…
"Someone is coming, Lethallan," Merrill said, getting her distracted companion's attention. As a precaution, the mage grabbed her staff and positioned herself where she could take anyone entering this small cave before they saw it coming. The other woman drew her blade and prepared to pounce if necessary.
"It's me!" Varric called out moments before entering. He had a feeling that barging in unannounced wasn't going to be conducive to long-term health, despite the slim possibility of it being anyone but him.
After all, anyone approaching had to spot and avoid a handful of potentially deadly traps she'd left on the small winding path leading in, and the cave itself being practically impossible to find if one didn't already know it was there. Even having been here previously and having the benefit of the strategically placed, coded navigational markers they'd left behind, Varric had still gotten lost multiple times trying to find the cave again.
The Dalish woman smiled brightly as her dwarven friend came into view. "Varric! It is good to see you."
"About damn time," the other woman groused while sheathing her blade.
Varric took in her appearance. She looked exhausted, but despite the edginess of her body language and facial expression, he could see the relief in her eyes.
"Daisy, Wilbur," he answered, acknowledging the elf and then the oversized red spider doll forever attached to the hip of the human. Of course, calling it a doll was always good for getting a rise out of her. As she liked to make abundantly clear, it was a plushie, thank you very much.
"Oh, and hey to you too," he added with a wink while handing over her smartphone. "Sorry I'm late. I lost track of time snapping pictures of my package. Wouldn't want you to forget me after all."
"You are many things, Varric, but forgettable isn't one of them." She exhaled slowly before continuing, "I know you got picked up by the Seekers. We barely avoided them. But when my informant came back and said you'd been released and that he delivered my message, I didn't expect you to be a half day behind us."
"Did you have trouble finding your way back?" Merrill asked. "We did. The dark didn't help. I think we went in circles for hours."
"Nah, no problems finding the place," he lied. "But I'm not cursed with a woman's sense of direction." He stuck out his tongue playfully before explaining that he decided to camp and wait until morning rather than risk stumbling into highwaymen or wild animals in the dark.
The human shook her head. "How did you convince the Seekers to let you go? After hearing they literally dragged you through Hightown, I'll admit I was surprised you were able to walk away on your own less than a day later."
"Oh, you know… the woman that interrogated me-"
"Say no more," she said, holding up her hand to interrupt him. "I swear you could talk the Divine out of her robes."
"And if I did, you'd be right there to take a picture of it, wouldn't you?"
She shrugged unapologetically. "Never know when something like that will be useful to have."
He looked around the small, dimly lit cave. The mirror stood in a corner. He'd seen it many, many times over the years, and even though he knew it'd been the impetus that brought her to Thedas, he'd never thought much of it before seeing it restored.
After the restoration was complete, however, it ceased to be a mere broken relic his Dalish friend obsessed over. Restored, it felt almost alive, and even with his inherent resistance to magic he could feel it almost beckoning him when he was close. It made him uncomfortable, though he still hadn't decided whether his discomfort was from the mirror itself or from what it represented.
His eyes drifted from the mirror to the large ornate chest on the ground next to it. "Ooh, nice chest."
"Yeah, whatever. You say that to all the girls."
Varric grinned. "Not all of them." He went over and flipped the lid. "Oooh… and I definitely like the shiny." Inside were hundreds of sovereigns along with various assorted gems.
"That stuff carries great value in my world too," she explained. "Figure if I'm going back I might as well take some wealth with me. It'll be tricky to offload gold coins and jewels in exchange for our actual currency, at least in a way that gets fair value for them, but I suppose I'll find a way."
The dwarf nodded. "You always do. Anyway, it probably won't matter anymore, but I threw the Seekers off your trail. It was obvious right away that they knew little beyond your title, so I gave you a new name and a completely different backstory. Also changed a bunch of other names and stories along the way to protect the guilty."
"Yeah? What's my name?"
"Hawke. Seemed fitting at the time, though it's kind of too bad they already knew you're a woman. Wilbur Hawke would've made a great Champion, at least if he hadn't died to darkspawn back in Ferelden. Poor schlep."
"What? You killed off Wilbur?"
"Well, not exactly. I changed his name to Carver and made him your brother, a badass warrior who bought it protecting his mother and sisters from an advancing horde. Heroic bastard."
"What about me?" Merrill asked when the human responded only by shaking her head in disbelief.
Varric answered, "I didn't give you a new name, Daisy, but your entire clan was wiped out after an unfortunate incident with a demon." At the sight of her already large eyes growing larger, he gestured for her to relax. "I know the Seekers aren't likely to ever find your clan anyway, but I didn't want them to have reason to, thinking they might track you down that way."
Merrill nodded in understanding. "Ma serannas."
The other female sat down. "I simply have to hear the entire story before I leave. It must be epic if you went so far as to invent imaginary family members for me."
"Well… how about we do storytime later? I mean, I've been thinking… after carrying you for the last ten years, it'd probably be irresponsible of me to just let you go, right?"
They both knew he was full of shit about carrying her, but rather than call him on it she carefully studied his expression while forcing her own to remain neutral. "You want to go with me? Or you seek to dissuade me from leaving?"
"I can't say the stuff you've told me about your world doesn't scare the piss out of me, but… Kirkwall isn't a good place for me anymore, and if I'm going to have to start over somewhere else I'd just assume do that with you."
Merrill cleared her throat. "I-I would too. Go with you, I mean."
"What about your clan?"
"They would welcome me back, but for many reasons it is difficult to see myself with them. If I am being honest with myself, I would admit that after so many years away I prefer your company and lifestyle to that of my people."
The human nodded solemnly. "You both realize I can't promise I'll be able to get you back to Thedas later if you change your minds? And that I, myself, am to some degree going to be lost? I can only imagine how much has changed in the past decade. I do… or at least did… have family, but I have no idea who or what I'll find when I get back."
She sighed. "One other thing… in my world, elves and dwarves live in the realm of make-believe. Varric can pass himself off as a short human, but Merrill… you'd probably have to wear something over your ears in public to avoid drawing unwanted attention. Something like that hoodie I used to wear when we first met."
Merrill put her hand on the human's shoulder. "I am an elf. You know I am accustomed to dealing with racism. As long as you want me with you, I have no worries about returning to Thedas, or about hiding my ears if it is necessary."
"It would hardly be the first time we've followed you into a seemingly impossible situation," Varric pointed out. "Look, this isn't exactly a spur of the moment decision for me. I've dwelled on it for a while now. But the question remains, do you want us to come with you? If you don't, just be honest. It won't hurt my feelings. Well… actually it would, to tell the truth… if pesky things like the truth mattered…"
She closed her eyes, willing herself not to cry. "It would make me very happy if you two came with me. The only reason I never asked… I didn't want to leave you feeling guilty if you didn't want to, or even worse, agreeing to it anyway. I needed it to be your own decisions."
"Come on then," Varric said, extending a hand. "Let's go check out that crazy place you call Earth."
"Well, well… what have we here?" the old woman asked as she ascended the stairs moments after a human, dwarf, elf, and a chest of loot showed up in her attic. "I see you discovered the true nature of the mirror."
Merrill gasped. "Asha'bellanar!"
"What are you talking about, Merrill?" the younger of the two humans asked. "That's my grandmother. Not Flemeth."
"Daisy, we saw Flemeth on Sundermount. This woman looks nothing like her."
Merrill shook her head vehemently. "I can feel her. I am positive."
The old woman smirked. "You appear to have retained some capacity for magic. Interesting." She turned her attention back to the other girl. "Tell me, Champion, what brings you home?"
"Wait… Y-you… you really are Flemeth?"
"Flemeth, Asha'bellanar, an old hag who talks too much. Different times, different places, different names. What is a name, anyway? I am many things, and some I am not."
"I can't believe… how? Flemeth is reputed to be hundreds, if not thousands of years old. I know you're not that old. And why didn't you tell me after I schlepped your ass from Ferelden to Sundermount?"
The old woman laughed. "You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. A fool clings to what they know with their eyes shut tight. Last we spoke on this side, you knew elves, dwarves, and magic were the stuff of fairy tales. You now know otherwise. So why do you claim to understand how time works when you do not?"
"Don't forget dragons and witches…" Varric muttered under his breath, though loud enough for everyone to hear.
The younger human shot him a warning glare before turning back to her grandmother. "You're right, I'm sorry. I… I have so many questions."
"First one of mine, then one of yours. Tell me, why did you leave that fool elf in my home? He does nothing but sit on that infernal computer day and night. Have you returned to take him back?"
"What elf? All I remember is finding the mirror buried under several sheets and blankets… as I got closer an uncontrollable urge to touch it took hold, and next thing I knew I was laying on my back in some ruins in Thedas."
"What is that boy's name?" the old woman asked herself out loud. "I can never remember… Ahhh, yes… Tamlen."
Merrill gasped again. "Tamlen! He disappeared from the ruins at the same time she arrived! The eluvian was broken and we never found him… What has he been doing here all this time?"
"Last I checked he was a level 50 Sith Inquisitor in 'The Old Republic'. I gather it's a rather fitting profession for a fool who can't keep his hands off of powerful things he has no understanding of."
"Sith… inquisitor?" Merrill asked. "I do not understand what that means."
The old woman scoffed. "It means it's a damned good thing I don't pay for my Internet service by the hour! Though I swear if I catch him on one more porn site I will drag him back to Thedas myself, transform into a dragon, and roast him!"
"Grandmother, I don't know how often you travel back and forth between here and Thedas, but I have been away for ten, eleven years now. What of… well, everything? I don't even know where to start…"
"Ahhh… and here we are. A sensible question, I think. Have you not ever wondered how ten years passed yet you appear no older than when you left?"
Varric chimed in. "She's right, you know. Your body grew stronger from all the shit we got into, and you changed your hair a few times, but you haven't aged a day the entire time I've known you."
"Of course I've wondered," she answered while simultaneously acknowledging the dwarf.
"Time, my dear. I discovered early on that a year in Thedas is but a day here. The five minutes we have been speaking?" She snapped her fingers. "Poof! Another day there is gone. Quite convenient for extended strolls through Thedas without being missed here."
"Wait, you mean I've really only been gone… wait, seriously? A week and a half? That's barely a vacation!" Another thought came to mind. "What happens the other way around? Are Varric and Merrill going to die of old age in a month or so? Do they need to go back to Thedas immediately?"
The old woman cackled. "So full of concern, are we? They will age no faster here. Why that is remains a mystery to me, nevertheless I know it to be true. Now, come downstairs. We have much more to discuss, and I have cookies ready to come out of the oven."
"Asha'bellanar," Merrill said in a tone mixed of reverence and fear, "My people have long understood that your knowledge or guidance does not come for free. So forgive me for asking, but… what is your purpose in telling us these things?"
An almost feral grin came over the old woman's face. "Well, well… you are much wiser than I gave you credit for. I do have plans, you see, and you four will do quite nicely I think. Perhaps people will merely believe you all escaped the set of the latest Hobbit movie."
"Four?" Varric asked.
"I think she means we'll be stuck with the porn addicted elf," the younger human said sarcastically.
Flemeth waved her hand in irritation. "Yes, yes, him. Now, for all the power I've accumulated over the last 2000 years in Thedas, I haven't unlocked the secret of bringing it back with me. Here, I am but an old woman. Not a shapeshifter, not a mage, not a force of nature. A pity. Oh, how I wish I'd discovered the eluvian when I was your age instead of a mere twenty years ago."
Her express turned serious. "I will teach you what I know, and in time perhaps you will surpass me. However, the price is that there is someone you must pursue and eliminate."
She continued, "There are a number of still functional eluvians bridging Earth, Thedas, and if my suspicions are correct, other worlds. Contrary to the beliefs of the People, the eluvians did not come from the elves and pre-date even Arlathan. A fool girl in Ferelden with more ambition than brains managed to capture my grimoire and learn of this, among other things. She was then able to locate and use another eluvian. Her intentions cannot be good. It's not in her nature."
The younger woman nodded. "Very well. Who is this girl? I take it you know her well?"
"Of course I know my Morrigan. She is my daughter, and I trained her." The old woman spun on her heels and began descending the stairs. "As I said, we have much to discuss," she said without looking back.
Varric lightly backhanded the shoulder of his stunned friend. "Come on, Grandma Flemeth did say she had cookies."
Merrill smiled as she took her hand and pulled her towards the stairs. "A new adventure! How exciting."
The Champion let out a sound somewhere between a scoff and a snort, but allowed herself to be pulled along.
What have I gotten into now?