Don't Mind If I Do
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Oblina has many fine qualities. She does however have a bit of a competitive streak, and doesn't think kindly to anyone besting her in an event. Oblina's reaction is even worse if she loses to somebody unexpected, particularly if it's an activity stereo-typically associated with "smart" individuals.
Oblina laughed uproariously. "How can anyone be so bad at 'Existence'?" she wondered. "You've lost 4 times in a row Icky!"
"I -hate- this game. I always end up dead, or broke, or in jail." Ickis pouted.
"My favorite was when you died in prison with multiple outstanding debts." Oblina noted.
"Let's play something else!" Ickis begged.
"We could go back to 'Knowledge Search.'" Oblina suggested.
"No way! I can only answer the sports questions. Unless you wanna play with jus' that category?" he asked hopefully.
"Of course. Let's rewrite the rules to -every- game so the losing monster can make a comeback." Oblina joked.
"Yes!" Ickis cheered.
Oblina rolled her eyes. "I wasn't being serious! Honestly, you are SUCH a sore loser. I wish Krummy was here." Oblina commented.
"Krumm's with Mister Horvak, cataloging mold. They're probly having a great time." Ickis acknowledged. "He used'a let me help with the harvest before..."
"Remember what I told you. I am wise beyond my years. Horvak has -never- mentally progressed beyond bonstyhood." Oblina detailed.
"At least mold farming won't kill you, unlike -other- activities I could mention." Ickis stated.
"If you're tired of games, we could always read the Monster Manual." Oblina ventured.
"Like I didn't read enough today!" argued Ickis.
"What about 'Apology'?" Oblina inquired.
"Sorry, not up to that. You wanna try 'Funopoly'?" Ickis offered.
"That's too much like what Mumsy wants for me." Oblina admitted.
"There's always Grishnak!" Ickis hinted.
"I've seen you play. The answer is no." Oblina informed him.
"So not fair! You've got toenails to spare!" Ickis whined.
"The Gromble doesn't permit gambling." Oblina pointed out.
Ickis sighed. "We could go back to my FIRST idea. Sewerball's great. You pitch an' I'll catch!" Ickis declared.
"The only thing you'll catch is a cold if you don't wait for the rain to stop before going outside." Oblina opined. "And I am NOT chaining you up again."
"Huh. I coulda sworn you LIKED that." Ickis mused.
"I -like- having a peaceful day, that's why I'm going back to studying." Oblina decided.
"What if we tried something new? I borrowed this game from Bradley, you never even played it before!" Ickis squealed in anticipation.
"A human game? Ickis, I don't think the Gromble wants us to have anything like that in our possession." insisted Oblina.
"But it's not -our- possession, it belongs to Bradley. We're jus' using it for today." Ickis clarified as he rummaged through his belongings.
"I still believe..." Oblina began.
"That it's lotsa fun! Of course! See, you got this Rubik's cube, although it's not configured like a reg'lar cube. There's 54 colored tiles, 9 tiles to each face. But there's only 21 pieces to arrange, 8 corners that got 2 color tiles, 12 edges with 3 colors, an' the core piece in the middle, that serves as the color guide, orients all 6 faces, can't move that. You gotta match 'em up all, white an' yellow' an' orange' an' green' an' blue' an' red. You can flip the pieces along each face, right, left, back side, front side, bottom, an' top. Each flip is a quarter rotation, you can go clockwise or counter clockwise, so there's lotsa potential combinations. Bradley an' me were talking an' we figured there's 12! x 8! x 2^10 x 3^7 possibilities." Ickis chattered.
"Bradley and I were talking." Oblina corrected.
"No, I don't think you were with us." Ickis recalled.
Oblina sighed. "So it's a puzzle game." she noted.
"Yeah! You wanna scramble it up some, then an' I'll solve it." Ickis proclaimed before offering her the cube.
"You shouldn't get ahead of yourself, Icky." Oblina cautioned as she flipped some of the pieces. "There. You'll have a hard time putting THAT together." Oblina predicted.
Ickis looked at the front of the cube. "Red, orange, orange. White, blue, orange. White, blue, yellow. Not a bad set-up. See, I'm already partway to making a cross." Ickis flipped some of the tiles deftly. "Top face has the white cross. You gotta match up the other sides in order too, that's important. Starting with the right, you got 2 blue center pieces, then 2 orange, 2 green, 2 red. Now we gotta line up the corners. There's a couple more rotations involved here, but ev'rything follows a pattern so once you recognize that, you can do it pretty quick." Ickis spun the tiles again. "White face is done! You'll notice that the top row an' a center piece of the 4 surrounding faces are ALSO completed, that's how you can tell you're doin' it right! Now hold the cube so the white is on bottom, that helps you focus on the remaining faces. I'm gonna flip the top so the red/blue edge is in the center, look how the blue is also centered in the front face. I want that edge piece to go in the middle row of the front face, right column. Think of it as the 6th position out of 9, if that helps. By positioning it sideways like that, the red face will be aligned too. Watch close as I rotate it in a longer sequence, there!" Ickis announced as he flipped the tiles again.
"There, what?" Oblina wondered.
"There, now I got 2/3 of the puzzle done! Bottom and middle row of the surrounding faces! Blue, orange, green, red, remember that. I already got the yellow cross set up on top, but sometimes you gotta flip it again cause there's 4 possible arrangements your cube should be in at this point, it really depends on which corner you set up when you filled the white face in and how fast you got the colored rows completed. Now I gotta make all the top corners yellow too. I got one yellow corner cube already so I can jus' plunge into the next step! I'm gonna flip then all again, it's a different pattern, same number of steps for this sequence!" Ickis declared. He spun the tiles rapidly and grinned. "Yellow face is done! Now it's easy to get carried away here, but you gotta check to see that the corners are positioned properly. Top left blue/yellow/orange. Top right orange/yellow/green. Bottom left blue/yellow/red. Bottom right red/yellow/green. That's the goal. I need to switch the bottom corners, so I flip it like so." Ickis demonstrated the proper tile rotations. "This is the last part! I gotta cycle the 4 edges clockwise, jus' a few quick turns and ev'rything's PERFECT! Pretty awesome, huh?" Ickis' chest swelled with pride.
"If you can do it, then so can I!" Oblina asserted.
Ickis scrambled the cube again. "Here you go." Ickis chirped.
"White, orange, orange. Green, blue, green. Blue, red, blue." she chorused. "Now I make that white cross you described." Oblina spun the cube a few times and frowned. "That isn't a cross. Why isn't it a cross?!" demanded Oblina.
"Sounds pretty cross to me." Ickis smirked.
"Ickis, you broke it!" Oblina snapped.
"Did not. Sometimes the pieces get oriented wrong an' you have to correct it. See the white/blue edge is in the proper slot, but not facing the way you wanted. Inverse flip the right face, that means go counter clockwise, flip the top, inverse flip the front face, then inverse flip the top. White/blue edge should be jus' fine now." instructed Ickis.
Oblina followed the steps and completed the cross. "See, I did it. I don't need any more help." she opined.
"Sure, you'll get it. But in case it takes awhile, I'm gonna look at some Ultra Monster comics. They got this new ongoing arc where they add another villain to the rogue's gallery!" Ickis exclaimed happily.
"How thrilling. I don't know we ever LIVED without that." Oblina commented.
"I know! This one's great cause they've taken a minor antagonist an' really fleshed out his backstory! Klanko an' Groslane aren't the ONLY employees at the Daily Monster newspaper. There's this ambitious young interviewer who will do -anything- to get a story, Drakim. He's a rival only Klanko doesn't really notice him. Drakim thinks he got this exclusive interview with the unmasked Ultra Monster. Obviously he DIDN'T talk to Klanko, cause that would end the series. He jus' spoke to this lunatic Phestamo, who confesses to all sorts of criminal behavior, for the attention. An' when they catch Phestamo in a lie, Drakim is disgraced in front of -everybody- an' it's too late to retract the article, so the publisher fires him. Got it?" Ickis detailed.
Oblina scowled. "It's not too late for you to distract me! You've messed me up on purpose!" she bemoaned.
"You can always backtrack if you make a mistake. If you 'member all the steps you took after you got the cross set up, then you know how to undo those moves." Ickis stated.
"I don't remember them all, that's the problem!" hissed Oblina.
"Bottom twice, left once, inverse right, front." Ickis commented. "That's what made that pattern. Once you corrected that error you can line up the white corners. I can give you a hint, if necessary."
"No thank you, I'm perfectly capable of working through this on my own." Oblina insisted.
"I understand. Klanko has a similar attitude, that's why he ignores Stink Boy sometimes. But Stink Boy had this idea that if he got his mentor a new superhero costume, Klanko would show gratitude more often. That's why Klanko is wearing the black mask for most of this storyline, Stink Boy discovered the fabric while on patrol an' a 'mysterious force' compelled him to act on that impulse. Y'see, the black mask is actually incubating a self-aware alien species that needs a host to latch onto. Kinda like that parasite Krumm an' me saved YOU from!" Ickis interjected.
"Krumm and I saved you." Oblina snapped. Even while lecturing Ickis she continued to fumble with the Rubik's Cube, despite making very little progress.
"Oh sure, lotsa times you came to my rescue. Like from the plastic surgeon or that creepy theme park owner. But evicting the parasite, that was MY turn to be the brave friend, while you were lacking in self control." Ickis noted happily.
"No one can blame me for the actions I took that day, I was being unduly influenced!" Oblina opined.
"Excuses always work for you. The Gromble gave me 3 Snorchings that time I called him Frank N. Furter, and I don't even 'member doing that!" Ickis huffed.
"I remember it, that's bad enough." Oblina recalled. "I told you it wasn't good to spend so much time around humans!"
"Bradley saved all of us." Ickis pointed out.
"Bradley HELPED endanger us in the first place." argued Oblina.
"He didn't know he was doing anything bad. Bradley was scared, an' he'd been laughed at, so he didn't want to go home right away. He thought it'd get better if he could impress someone older an' tougher. That's not so hard to understand." Ickis reasoned.
"Not as hard as this dumb puzzle." Oblina muttered.
"You're making it harder than it needs to be. Jus' like Ultra Monster when he wouldn't listen that the black mask was affecting his personality, even when Stink Boy TOLD him it was. Groslane had to follow him to a rooftop an' plead with him until he came to his senses. The mask was already starting to bond with him, but he has such -heroic- resolve he was able to remain FOCUSED an' tore the mask free! Course, then he was so busy comforting Groslane he didn't check where the mask landed right away an' destroy it. Remember Drakim, the down-on-his-luck reporter monster? Drakim found the mask an' since he was already at his LOWEST point it had nooo problem taking -him- over, that's when he became... dun da-dun... Blackout! The newest super villain, ooh watch out Ultra Monster, he's got a grudge!" Ickis warned.
"I can see why some monsters might develop a vendetta against dorks." Oblina snarled. "Remind me of the stupid corner trick, that's the only clue I'll need."
"Gotcha. You've got the red/white/blue corner on top, with the blue facing front 'stead of the red. That only adds a couple rotations. Inverse flip right, inverse flip the bottom, flip right." instucted Ickis.
"It's -still- wrong." Oblina pouted.
"Course it is, I toldja that you were adding moves! Now inverse flip right, inverse flip the bottom, flip right, an' lastly flip the bottom again. Those 4 moves are key, jus' repeat those for the other corners an' ev'rything slides into place. Sometimes you gotta give it an extra flip down, until a corner lines up directly below its intended slot. Yeah, that's the way." Ickis remarked encouragingly.
"I -knew- I was making progress, even with your incessant prattling." Oblina retorted.
"I can go back to summarizing comics, if you want. Blackout's a great character an' all, but his origin is tragic'ly unneccessary. Ultra Monster can fly, why didn't he jus' leap off'a the building, find the mask an' use his fire breath to incinerate it? The alien parasite was vulnerable to heat so long as it hadn't fully bonded with a monster, that's why it was suppressing that skill. Buuut once Klanko shook free of its influence, shouldn't he have remembered that ability? I think if I was -almost- possessed by somethin' evil I would wanna ensure I finished it off before cozing up to someone squishy... although Groslane -is- rather wretching, 'specially when they got the main artist drawing her, Stankir's AMAZING! Wish they'd got him for this storyline, that'd make it a classic for sure!" Ickis professed.
"Pfft. That's just male monster wish fulfillment. Nobody has antenna -that- long." Oblina complained.
"You should see her INFLATE that air sac." Ickis whistled. "She's got the lips for it, no doubt!"
Oblina turned the cube upside-down. "Now that I have the white face done, I keep spinning the upper sections and they... don't appear to be matching yet... at all." Oblina sulked, staring petulantly at the cube.
"Oh you're going with the blue/orange edge, that means you reverse my method! Inverse flip top, inverse flip left, flip top, flip left, flip top, flip front, inverse flip top, inverse flip front! You got it matched up now!" Ickis observed.
"I don't have a yellow cross, the way you did. I- I'm not sure how to proceed." Oblina admitted.
"No, you have it shaped like a yellow boomerang. That means 2 pieces aren't positioned properly so you'll do extra rotations. Flip front, flip top, flip right, inverse flip top, inverse flip right, inverse flip front. There's the yellow cross you wanted. You're gonna have to do this sequence twice, I can tell. Flip right, flip top, inverse flip right, flip top, flip right, flip top, flip top, inverse flip right. Let's check your top. Give it another flip right, that orients a yellow left corner to your front face. Now repeat the sequence I told you." Ickis stated. He waited for Oblina to comply.
"Flip top, flip right, flip right again?" Oblina queried.
"No, no. Inverse flip top, that fixes the error you just made, good thing you didn't go any further! It's jus' like before, flip right, flip top, inverse flip right, flip top, flip right, flip top, flip top, inverse flip right. Good job, Oblina! You got the yellow face completed!" Ickis congratulated her.
"Thank goodness, I thought that would -never- end!" Oblina exclaimed.
"This is the hardest part, making sure the corners are set up perfectly. You have the diagonal corners right, top left and bottom right. That means doing a sequence twice, and pausing to orient ev'rything. Want to give it a go?" Ickis asked.
"I can't quit NOW, after all I've been through!" insisted Oblina.
"Great! Inverse flip right, flip front, inverse flip right, flip back, flip back, flip right, inverse flip front, inverse flip right, flip back, flip back, flip right, flip right, inverse flip top. Now to orient it, inverse flip top twice more. Then we go back to the last sequence. Inverse flip right, flip front, inverse flip right, flip back, flip back, flip right, inverse flip front, inverse flip right, flip back, flip back, flip right, flip right, inverse flip top. This is the final part, matching the last 4 yellow edges. Hey, it's clockwise like mine was, we got something in common now! Flip front, flip front, flip top, flip left, inverse flip right, flip front, flip front, inverse flip left, flip right, flip top, flip front, flip front, yeah! You did it Oblina! You solved the cube!" Ickis cheered.
"Finally. I can't understand how humans could enjoy a puzzle that takes so long to solve!" Oblina wondered.
"Oh those are just the instructions for beginners. You can solve it faster with practice." Ickis confided. He scrambled the cube, then shifted all the tiles back into place in 14 moves. "It's mathematically proven that all combinations are solvable within 20 moves, that's the upper bounds! Anything beyond that is superfluous."
Oblina scowled. "Why did you waste my time with all that flip top, flip bottom, flip flap nonsense?" she raged.
"The same reason you make me write chapter titles over an' over whenever the Gromble finishes each unit in the Manual. It's to familarize oneself with the basic concepts." Ickis explained.
"Reading is fundamental! How will you ever accomplish -anything- if you can't read or write at Academy level?" Oblina challenged.
"I jus' solved the Rubik's cube 3 times in one afternoon an' there was no required reading!" Ickis happily responded.
"You can't take credit for my solution!" Oblina angrily informed him.
"Okay." Ickis relented. He mixed up the cube again, then reset it with 12 motions. "Now it's 3 solutions, but you can still brag about your 1 success!" Ickis noted.
"That's it. Next time I'm letting you play Sewerball and get soaked." vowed Oblina.
"Ha ha! I -knew- you'd see it my way." Ickis exclaimed. He pricked up his ears. "Hey, it sounds like the rain's stopped. Let's go play outside!"
"If we do, you are NOT to splash in every puddle." Oblina insisted.
"I'll skip a couple." Ickis compromised.
Oblina glared at him. "You'll skip them ALL." she instructed.
Ickis cheerfully tucked the cube back behind his pillow. "You know what else is fun? Going to the Squirmple Hall!" Ickis declared.
"I've never been. It's some sort of low-class hobby, isn't it? There's a table I think, and you try to knock the squirmples into the holes?" Oblina questioned.
"I do -more- than try." Ickis grinned wickedly. "C'mon. There's this place I know downtown. I'll even let you break first." he offered.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Ickis can never quit while he's ahead. That's why he's sometimes clever, but seldom wise. He'll be lucky if Oblina only pushes him facedown into a mud puddle. Sportsmanship is not her strong suit, evidently. There are many tutorials online detailing the steps to solve the Rubik's cube (even some of the later inventions that featur cubes o varities). This story actually would have been published earlier were it not for bad weather in OUR neighborhood, cutting off the power on 2 separate days. I wouldn't worry about the rain affecting Krumm work on the mold farm, this was another of Horvak's "harvest the mold" excuses, where this is no pressing need for chores, but he's lonesome for his son's company and the Gromble is busy enough dealing with the other students that he doesn't care about the deception one way or the other.