Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf, though I do own a small model of Starbug if that counts...

Well I wanted to do somthing on my stories for Christmas, but instead this rather crappy one shot sprung to mind, it's basically like 10 minutes from Frankie's POV from The End, while Lister was sleeping & Rimmer was still 'revising' up to just after Lister showing Frankie the Figi photo.

Frankie's Monologue

I have a pretty boring existence I guess – Sure I live on this giant ship with all the buzzing lights and shiny things, but I'm just glad I'm deaf – the engines would drive me insane, they did and all for the first few days I was here, the constant whirring and when the miners were at work I could hear the reverberations throughout the entire ship – Now I just feel them.

I'm a cat you see – sensitive senses and all that. I tried to ignore it but it just hurt so badly, the human that brought me here… Lister… Cloister or whoever he is a complete git – He's nice and all but I'm positive I tasted water in my milk this morning! And that curry odour of his is enough to make me gag – it's like been back at that shop window opposite the Tandoori Restaurant!

I suppose I should be glad he remembers to feed me really - He once forgot and I nibbled through the back of the cage and got into the ducts, I wandered down a bit and found my way into the back of one of the vending machines – The food was fantastic but getting at the fish through those bloody Tupperware containers were murder!

I'm surprised no-one sussed, Lister was always twittering on about how I should be quiet, that's why my memory is a bit groggy – He kept slipping sleeping tablets into my milk & food so I wouldn't be awake to howl, but I was too hungry to care – I need the vitamins as I'm pregnant – That gave him quite a scare and all!

He felt one of the kittens kicking one day before I put on weight noticeably, and dropped me in surprise thinking a John Hurt moment was coming or something – I was most annoyed, I landed on my feet but knocked my head on the table, it's why I'm deaf now, so I guess in some strange way he did me a favour, and as a bonus I don't have to listen to him playing his guitar, or his roommate going on about something called Risk.

I like the tall guy – his voice makes me drowsy in a good way, but when I started to hear him going on about Risk, I wish he would risk jumping out of the airlock.

Though I can't hear him either anymore, which makes me sad at the same time – Bloody hormones! I feel like I want to cry, especially when these lot move about in me, kicking my bladder! I swear it's like having giant worms on a trampoline in there!

I can't even sneak out and go exploring now, I'm like one of those giant beached fish things that was on a documentary that was left on after one of Dave's soppy late night movie finished.

All I do is lay here in my basket, eating, sleeping, being kicked by the kittens, and been lifted up for an unwanted cuddle occasionally! He put a cat tray in here as well… Well I say a cat tray; he nicked one of the baking trays from the kitchen and filled it with gravel he got from the mining rock. It's all very well but it bloody hurts the pads on my paws! I should make him walk on it and see how he likes it!

Gah, I wish the kittens could shift at my will! Then I might be a little more comfortable, I'm gonna kill that tabby if I ever meet him again – And he hurt my neck, I know you've got to get a grip but that was just ridiculous! We should twist the fellas round and bite their necks – They wouldn't be so enthusiastic for this mating thing then!

I can see what the two roommates are up to you know – Though it's kinda boring without sound, it's like watching 'Androids' normally…

The tall one is writing stuff on himself again, I think he's a bit of a nut job really, he seems one of the nicer ones I've met though – not like that freak with the tattoos I watched through the vent one day – You REALLY don't want to know what he gets up to in his spare time!

Oh NO! The tall one… I think I once heard him called Rimsy… has gone, please don't pick me up, please don't pick me up! I know! I'll escape!...

Seriously he should close his legs – That is one thing I don't want to see – EVER! Right he's opening the door - 3…2…1… RUN!...

...Damn! Mind my ribs!... Like I would get far – I look like an elephant on sticks…Oh lord not the photograph again – If you are going to take me to that place. I'll kill myself, I don't want to go anywhere sandy ever again… Don't look like that! I'll roll my eyes – And that hurts my head… SHUT UP YOU STUPID HUMAN I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR SAYING BUT EVEN YOUR LIP MOVING IS PISSING ME OFF AS YOUR SPITTING ON ME AGAIN!

…Now you did it! I hate rolling my eyes, I would so hurt you right now if I wasn't too weighed down to lift my paws to scratch you!

Us cat's are supposed to have a telepathic link with their owners, but if that's true why don't you PUT ME DOWN AND STOP WATERING DOWN MY FOOD?

Grrr it's not like I'm making any sound, well there is random mewing, but you can't speak feline… If you could I would so tell you to have a shower… Awwww hell it's much more fun throwing up on you because of the curry smell!...

Hehe NOW he put me back in my bed, hopefully he'll leave me alone for a while – I have some important napping to catch up on…

THE END