AND STARE AS LONG AS FRASIER OR COWS

Act one

IT'S CALLED BREAKFAST BADINAGE

Scene one: Frasier's apartment
Martin is at the table having breakfast with Eddie at his side. Frasier just walked into the living room. Daphne can be seen in the kitchen.

Martin: Morning Frase.
Frasier: Morning, dad. he opens the balcony door and sniffs This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto our gentle senses. he smiles contentedly
Martin: Yeah, and this toast has a pleasant crunch. The flavor sets in nicely, and really works up your taste buds. he takes a bite and turns to Frasier It's almost as if you slept well. What happened?
Frasier: I was out yesterday night for this gripping production of Macbeth.
Martin: And you had fun, huh?
Frasier: Yes, dad, fun: the dazzling soliloquies, clinging to the audience's ears like a winding mountain path in an Alpine valley; the suspense, tearing off the skin of one's face; Lady Macbeth's forlorn descent into madness; all can be summed up into one little word: fun.
Martin: I'll take that as a no. Now, I want to finish this in peace, so don't go quoting more of your Shakespeare this and 19th century words that. You have Niles after all.
Frasier: Firstly, it's early 17th century. Secondly, your apparent dislike of Shakespeare stands not within the prospect of belief, and thirdly… I'll make sure to let Niles know
Martin: Well I know a little Shakespeare saying myself. 'Brevity is the soul of wit!'
Frasier: And exactly what are you implying? I am not as garrulous as you think. In fact, you're taking the quotation out of context; Martin laughs and, followed by Eddie, goes into the kitchen with a plate it was Polonius who said it and he was, he was… oh never mind. he starts to read a newspaper
Martin: Hey Daphne, what you making?
Daphne: Nothing special, just a good old-fashioned full English breakfast for meself. she smells the frying pan's content
Martin: Why didn't you make any of this for me? Oh, look at that bacon!
Daphne: Sorry, Mr. Crane, it's for your own good, really.
Martin: For my own good? Don't you say that to me. I've been eating bacon for years and I survived the army, the force, and…
Daphne: It's just that men at your age are the most prone to heart disease and Dr. Crane is paying me to keep you healthy. Let me tell you about a dream I had just last night: two people were in a fervent discussion about something I'm not quite sure about, and someone else looked to be in a fit. Nobody paid any attention to that poor man and he seemed ready to collapse. I was about to go and help when something started pulling me back. I never felt more powerless in my life. I struggled and struggled, and…
Martin: Then you woke up?
Daphne: Well, yes, but there's more.
Martin: Oh, geez.
Daphne: The point is, helping people is my job, and after that worrying dream, I felt much more invigorated, inspired if you will, to do your exercises and look after your diet and such.
Martin: That's good to know… he puts the plate down and walks towards the exit
Frasier: suddenly appearing out of the doorway Fire burn and cauldron bubble, what are you making Daphne?

Martin sighs, turns around, and heads towards the fridge

Daphne: Bacon and eggs. Oh, and Mr. Crane, rest assured that after that dream I'll oversee your diet much more stringently and work you harder. she smiles while Martin looks horrified That didn't sound well, did it?

Martin quickly turns around and heads towards the doorway

Frasier: Mm, I'd like some of that, but I probably shouldn't. 'Things sweet to taste prove in digestion sour'.

Martin turns around and heads for the fridge again, then realizes his mistake and simply exits the room

Frasier: I see dad is venturing his new ping-pong walking exercises. Listen, Daphne, I need you to go buy dad some new chili pepper sauce; I used up the last jar yesterday to see whether Eddie preferred his water bowl or the toilet, as if I didn't already know.
Daphne: I'll do that, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Great. he sees Eddie sitting patiently at his empty water bowl You're fooling no one.

Daphne fills Eddie's bowl, then walks out with her breakfast, followed by Frasier

Martin: Come on, Eddie!

Martin and Eddie leave

Frasier: eating breakfast It's a lovely day, isn't it?
Daphne: You think so?
Frasier: Yes, yes, especially the air. The city has always been known and much panned for its pollution, but that fresh breeze from the door is enough to convince anyone otherwise.
Daphne: Now that I think about it, this flat is in a well-to-do residential area only 2 and a half miles away from the dirt and noise of the city centre, and we're only at an elevation of hundreds of feet.
Frasier: I see where you're heading. I just happen to live in a nice neighborhood as part of my lifestyle.
Daphne: You wouldn't believe the brownstone building I was living in when I first came here, as part of my lifestyle. Not that I complained.
Frasier: Ah, it just is a lovely day. Can you believe I woke up this morning without so much as a plan in my head? I've got coffee with Niles in 30 minutes, and my show is at 2, but the rest of the day is empty, to do with as I wish.
Daphne: I woke up to yours and Mr. Crane's dirty underwear. That's half of my morning schedule filled up.
Frasier: Well, while you're busy being cheeky and doing the housework afterwards, Daphne gently simmers I'll be forging my day: crafting it down to minute details, yet leaving things un-restrained and free for my whim, like a well-designed piece of furniture, or a rustic painting, or, or…

FADE TO:

FRASIER CRANE: MASTER SCULPTOR

Scene two: Café Nervosa
Frasier enters the coffeehouse and joins Niles at a table

Niles: Where have you been? You're so late my steaming hot mocha has become drinkable.
Frasier: Sorry Niles, I was in traffic and was so absorbed in thinking that I took a wrong turn, and the next thing I knew I was forced to backtrack a considerable distance. to waiter My usual, please.
Niles: I have patients, you know.
Frasier: sits down And I know that we've both set aside time for each other. Since I made you wait… he makes a hand gesture
Niles: Right, there's this strangely fascinating patient of mine: he shows the classic signs of low self-esteem and borderline depression, and I believe the cause is the domineering manner and constant neediness of the wife.
Frasier: giving Niles a look which of course goes past unnoticed Oh, really?
Niles: I wouldn't want to be in the service of his woman! My unprofessional advice would be 'leg it'. I'm surprised a man can stay in such a relationship and not have its true nature dawn upon him sooner. he takes a haughty sip of his coffee
Frasier: I guess you must feel pretty lucky to have someone like Maris. he gives the same look
Niles: not noticing Yes, indeed. If it weren't for her, I'd be buying Biedermeier lounges, out all night at the opera, and… a realization almost dawns …well, suffice to say, she keeps me out of all sorts of trouble.
Frasier: To be honest, I'm not quite sure where to start when discussing you and Maris. So instead, I'll tell you about something fresh, the very prospect of which excites me.
Niles: looks at his watch Let me guess: new haircut? Because I think it's about time… sees Frasier's facial expression Ok, maybe not.
Frasier: It's not just a musing, but something that I've thought through.
Niles: Ah, you're a man with a plan. Good for your, Frasier!
Frasier: Please, Niles. It occurred to me that despite my season tickets and regular concert outings, and my show, of course, that I have a lot of time on my hands, so…
Niles: …you're finally going to get off that big behind of yours and do some exercise! Er… looks at his watch
Frasier: You're going to be late for your session, aren't you?
Niles: Were my signs too forward?
Frasier: No, they were your usual epitomizing subtlety.
Niles: I need to pay attention to this patient. You were very late.
Frasier: But I've barely scratched the surface of this.
Niles: And I'll scratch your back another time.
Frasier: Wait; you don't even know what I'm talking about.
Niles: It may surprise you, but sometimes that relieves me. . he rises
Frasier: I intend to host a dinner party
Niles: Without me?! sits down But what's so new about it?
Frasier: It's the soirée to end all soirées, Niles!

Niles gasps

Frasier: I'm taking no chances. The planning will have to be meticulous. It'll probably take a week, with the full extravaganzas. The waiter gives Frasier his coffee Thank you.
Niles: Like Ben Corbett's birthday party. I can feel the leftover cake pounds in my stomach still.
Frasier: A few well-chosen guests such as the Whimsburgs…
Niles: Ah, the whimsies.
Frasier: …the Hudsons…
Niles: They're top-notch.
Frasier: …maybe even the Ashbys.
Niles: Nicely thought out, Frasier!
Frasier: And Mallet from Les Bonnes Langoustines catering.
Niles: I heard his work is as rare as tuco-tucos.
Frasier: So you're in agreement?
Niles: Actually, I was probing for a part I could play, under the guise of sycophantic insipidity. Everyone knows Mallet's work looks as good as dad's jackelope.
Frasier: All right, you can handle dad. I'm sure there'll be no getting rid of him, so do your best.
Niles: Again?
Frasier: I think you better be off now, Niles. he takes a sip of coffee
Niles: he looks at his watch My kleptomaniac! My office! he hurriedly dispenses some dollar bills into the air, à la The Godfather, and exits
Frasier: to the confused waiter That's my brother: the goodfella with parchment mite allergies.

FADE OUT TO:

Scene three: KACL station
Frasier and Bulldog, who's carrying some papers, walk past each other in a corridor

Bulldog: Hey doc, you're 3 hours early!
Frasier: Well, you're 6 hours early.
Bulldog: I'm here to pick up Matilda. You know Matilda, right? I've seen the way you look at her. Admit it, you're jealous.
Frasier: Bulldog, I have more important things to do than to ogle at your dates. All you do is make loud noises at your Gonzo Sports Show, and brag about your exploits with the women off-air. What kind of character are you?
Bulldog: Whoa, relax doc, I'm not on your couch! Trust me, and I've said this a lot of times: I'm a real nice guy once you get to know me. Hey, wait a minute, something's missing. he looks through his papers Where's my listener census? I had it on top of my pile. Somebody took my census! THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL BS! he wanders out of sight Oh, here it is. he wanders back into sight Well, see ya doc!

FADE OUT TO:

Scene four: The Frasier Crane Show
Frasier and Roz are in their usual places

Frasier: Good afternoon, and welcome again to the Dr. Frasier Crane show on KACL 780. Today's topic is leisure. Let me start us off: today, I found myself with an unexpected amount of free time. I have tried to fill it up: coffee with my brother for some always-engaging discussion, the planning of a dinner party (quite a stimulating experience, if you ask me), and just minutes ago, I finished a what must've been 2 and a half hour long talk with my producer Roz Roz gently simmers about, oh, everything; life in general. Nothing bonds two people more than sharing their life stories. I invite you to share your experiences, so do call in. We'll be right back after these important messages.

End of Act One

Act two

Scene one: The Frasier Crane show

Frasier: Ok, so I forced you into that, er, little tête-à-tête. But how was I supposed to know you weren't interested in bibliomania, Roz? Come on, Thomas Phillipps had over 160,000 books at the time of his death!
Roz: You say your father has a bullet in his hip? I can guess where he'd like the bullet to be when you're talking.
Frasier: sarcastically Oh, my relationship with my dad, my sore point! realizing Well, actually, it is.
Roz: Sorry. Let's just agree that 2 and a half hours of talking won't do us any good. That reminds me, there's around 2 hours and fifty-six minutes left, and you're on.
Frasier: You're listening to the Dr. Frasier Crane Show on KACL. Welcome back. Roz, who's our first caller?
Roz: On line 4 we have Matt, who has something to say about leisure time.
Frasier: presses a button Go ahead, Matt, I'm listening.
Matt: Dr. Crane, you talk about coffee in the middle of the day, planning dinner parties, chatting with your friends for hours on end instead of working; who has that kind of free time anyway? I'm a typical nine to fiver, and I think it just alienates people when a rich snob drones on about his activities, leaving the rest of us feeling we got the short end of the stick.
Frasier: Why, what…delightful call screening from my producer…
Roz: in a honeyed voice I just thought a wide range of opinions would be interesting to hear.
Frasier: Matt, I completely understand your sentiment, but I believe in free expression, even if one is in the minority. Don't feel alienated; the last thing I do on my show is brag.
Matt: Yeah, right. What about that time you made a 10-minute announcement about that 'great' statuette you bought?
Frasier: That Ugandan shaman was a steal!
Matt: But nobody really gives a hoot.
Frasier: Let me tell you something, Matt: when one listens to the Dr. Frasier Crane Show, one does not only get psychiatric advice. One gets the full context of Frasier Crane's mind. Roz blows out her brains with her thumb and index finger, which Frasier ignores What is he thinking? Why does he think that? Those, and many more questions, are answered. While I'd love to perambulate on the sidewalks of my mentality, suffice it to say that this is all down to a misunderstanding concerning the basic nature of my show, Matt. Matt?
Matt: Listen, I'm spending a dollar a minute here, but it's worth it because you're proving me right. You're nothing but a self-centered windbag who talks a lot.
Frasier: Then let me do you another favor, and save you some money. he disconnects Matt Let's see who's on line 2. he presses a button Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
Yvonne: Hi, my name's Yvonne. The problem's my sister. I'm ready to shoot her!
Frasier: And I'm often ready to push my brother down the stairs, but believe me when I say that more efficient and 'accidental looking' solutions are at hand. Just kidding. Go on.
Yvonne: I guess today's topic is 'leisure'. Well, I have basically none for myself, because my sister lives so close to me. We've got an arms race going on! As soon as something involves one of us, the other drags herself in. My mother always says it'll be the end of us.
Frasier: Well, I'm surprised. Of all people, your mother should know that siblings are born friends. Though my brother and I are often at each other's throats, we are family.
Yvonne: Ugh, she doesn't have a side I like. How do you handle your brother?
Frasier: Let me think; the last time we fought I had an Italian dictionary, with Schubert in the background, and that was over an old, French cookbook we bought together. But we're digressing. Sibling rivalry is an…
Yvonne: You fought over a cookbook?
Frasier: Yes. Anyway, sibling rivalry is an almost unavoidable element of family life. It cannot be removed completely, except through awareness and acceptance of one another's needs and personal space. This will take some time, so my producer is ready to give you the number of a qualified family therapist, who…
Yvonne: That makes me feel so much better, Dr. Crane. Wait till my sister hears about it.
Frasier: You're welcome. Uh, the cookbook, or the therapist?
Yvonne: Thank goodness we're not the worst! Thank you. she hangs up
Frasier: Well, listeners, let me just say that there's nothing like being at rock bottom so people slightly further up can benefit. While Yvonne and her sister inch their way towards M.A.D., here's Chopper Dave's traffic report.

FADE OUT TO:

Scene two: Café Nervosa
Niles is sitting on the patio, listening to the radio on the next table. He is dialing his phone.

Frasier: So there you have it, Peter.
Niles: Hello? It's me, Niles. There's something I'd like to say. All right.
Frasier: No matter how much you think about it, or how long you stay, it's never going to be right for you. You're constantly feeling low, you're getting no breaks. Chase you dream! Happiness comes first. We have just about enough time for one more caller. Whom do we have next, Roz?
Roz: We have your brother Niles on line 3.
Niles: Hello Frasier.
Frasier: Why, yet more delightful call screening. Thank you, Roz. Speak your mind Niles. I'm listening.
Niles: So you want a piece of my mind? Isn't it enough that you just told a gourmet chef to quit his job? We both know Le Cigare Volant has a shortage of chefs, we've been there, and this will only exacerbate the situation. They treat employees with the utmost respect and have plenty of benefits. You know that advice couldn't have been your best: your questions were as incisive as biscotti, and all you did was dispense a typical stock psychiatric answer in order to let the conveyor belt roll.
Frasier: And how does your call pertain to today's topic of leisure?
Niles: Well…I have free time…and am using it…to call you, and…oh, stop that, you know that drives me mad. he gasps But who cares? Daphne's here.
Frasier: Wait, Niles, you know you won't be able to control yourself. Stay on the air.
Niles: Why?!
Frasier: I'll admit I was wrong!
Niles: What has dad told you about infringing on the natural order of things? Gotta go! he hangs up

CUT TO:

The Frasier Crane Show

Frasier: Fine, but don't expect me to save your marriage. notices the on-air light Uh, that's all for today. Coming up: Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe and the Gonzo Sports Show. I never miss it. light goes off Can't say I lied. Boy, those last 60 minutes really were the hour of lead, Roz. I better be off.
Roz: So you're gonna have a little soirée, huh? I had fun at your last cocktail party.
Frasier: I can take a hint Roz. The next time I host a cocktail party, you'll be the first one on the guest list. he leaves his booth

CUT TO:

Café Nervosa
Daphne is here with a shopping bag

Daphne: Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. How are you?
Daphne: Fine and dandy, thank you. You're looking rather handsome too. Niles smiles uncontrollably Breezy today.
Niles: Yes, there's something in the wind. he shuts his eyes and leans closer to Daphne
Daphne: I'm just here to buy me afternoon tea. Niles begins to rise No, no, stay here and finish your coffee; don't mind me.

Niles stands up after Daphne goes inside

Niles: Can I buy you a cup of tea, Daphne? Do you mind if I join you? Do you mind not being so utterly mesmerizing so the ever-expanding void in my heart won't make me ache when thinking of you? he thinks Ok, second one's best.

Niles enters the coffeehouse, where Daphne is waiting in line

Niles: So, what has Frasier made you be up to today?
Daphne: The usual: shopping for domestic goods and exercising Mr. Crane. Don't tell him, but he seems to be getting grumpier.
Niles: Dad?
Daphne: Well, they wind each other up, don't they?

Niles laughs a little too enthusiastically

Daphne: Hoping I'm not being too forward…would you like to join me, Dr. Crane?
Niles: A splendid idea! Oh, look, it's your turn.
Daphne: I'll have an iced tea. she sees Niles tugging at his suddenly very hot collar What would you like, Dr. Crane?
Niles: You…uice.
Daphne: Begging your pardon?
Niles: Juice, please.

Niles wipes his forehead with his handkerchief

Waiter: Here you go.
Daphne: Thank you.

They walk to a table and sit down

FADE OUT TO:

Scene three: Frasier's apartment
Daphne enters, followed directly behind by a tail-wagging Niles, who's carrying Daphne's bag

Daphne: Hello Dr. Crane, Mr. Crane.
Niles: Greetings. I gave Daphne a ride home. he attempts to follow Daphne to the kitchen
Frasier: Niles, get over here! What happened? How did it go?
Niles: I think I was intoxicated by the strongest liquor of all. Although I was thinking of Maris the whole time, I was too captivated to care. As the Swedish say: det gjorde ont, men var också skönt.
Martin: Will you keep it down? I'm trying to watch something here.
Frasier: Please dad, this is important. Niles, tell me you didn't say anything you'll regret. I don't think you should be with Daphne like this again.
Martin: What?!
Frasier: All right dad, we'll go some place else!
Martin: No, I mean, Niles was alone with Daphne?
Niles: I am appalled that you two don't think we should be alone together, because we did nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong: it was a completely legitimate, albeit unscheduled rendezvous, and we had a healthy, adult conversation about the weather, juice, and tortellini. But don't tell Maris; you know how she abhors tortellini.
Frasier: Fine. No damage has been done. We shall this discuss this no further. Ah, on to the dinner party Niles. Wait, refreshments are in order. As they say: 'never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of sherry'.
Niles: Actually, Hemingway said 'bottle of whisky', but who am I to split hairs? he starts towards the kitchen
Frasier: Niles!

Daphne exits the kitchen

Daphne: Dr. Crane?
Both of them: Yes?
Daphne: Sorry, I meant the other one.
Niles: Ah, that'll be me. We both know your eminence can't possibly be relegated to the 'other' category.
Daphne: I just need the bag.
Niles: Of course. Goodness, what's in here? he takes out Martin's chili pepper sauce
Daphne: That's Mr. Crane's. Here, let me. she takes the bag and goes into the kitchen while Niles scans the chili pepper sauce jar
Frasier: Did you hear my show today, dad?
Martin: As a matter of fact, I did. That guy Matt is right, you know. A lot of the time you're alone in your ivory tower, talking about things that don't really apply to many people.
Frasier: Great, the one time you do listen, you have to take the side of a clearly disillusioned caller.
Martin: What about the dinner party? It must be the 2nd one in a month.
Frasier: I have the time, the space, and the friends, so why not?
Martin: We all know what happens to me: Niles buying a single ticket for some obscure performance and then running off just so I won't be here for the party. The last time that happened I was so far back I had to shut one eye and pretend I could push the actors around with my fingers to keep myself from falling asleep.
Frasier: Oh, this time Niles will… he realizes …not take you anywhere because you're staying at home.
Martin: This time? You weren't thinking of getting rid of me again, are you?
Frasier: Dad, dad, it's not like it seems.

Niles goes into the kitchen

Niles: So, chili pepper sauce, eh?
Daphne: Yes. It's really impressive how your father can eat this stuff. Then again, I've always liked men who can endure a bit of hardship. Not that I feel that way about your father. she smiles

Niles immediately grabs a spoon and opens the jar; he smells it and is taken aback by the strength, knocking a jar of sauce onto Daphne's lower trouser leg

Niles: What have I done? I'm so sorry, Daphne, I…
Daphne: Oh dear. It's ok, Dr. Crane, I'll just wipe it off.

Eddie comes in and sniffs Daphne's trouser leg

Niles: No, that's not for you Eddie. Bad boy!
Daphne: Shoo, shoo! Sorry, if you don't mind, Dr. Crane, it's getting a bit crowded in here.
Niles: But…well, ok.

Niles walks out with his jar and spoon; he looks round his shoulder for a disapproving eye; finding none, he scoops out a spoonful and swallows

Martin: Oh, geez, I knew it. And to do this to your father…
Frasier: All right, the truth is, you never…act very appropriately at my dinner parties.

Niles starts to shake

Martin: Oh, the truth! Everybody knows there's nothing better than the truth! You want the truth? You're always ashamed of your father. You're embarrassed of him. Well, behaving like this you don't exactly make me proud either.

Niles shudders and gags

Frasier: That is ridiculous; I am not ashamed of you.

Niles jumps up and down and waving his arms for help from the two; he hisses, unable to form words

Martin: Yet you're still content to drive your own father out of his home whenever you have guests over. Some son.

Daphne sees Niles, but when she tries to exit the kitchen, Eddie gnarls and pulls on her trouser leg

Daphne: Eddie! No!
Frasier: What, so I should just not have my dinner party?
Martin: No, just have the courtesy to at least accept my presence here.

By now, Niles is ready to collapse

Daphne: Will you two pay attention?!
Both of them, turning their heads: Niles!

FADE TO:

AT THE END OF THE DAY

Scene four: Frasier's apartment
Frasier and Martin are talking; Daphne is comforting Niles in the kitchen

Frasier: I'm sorry dad. I just saw an opportunity, an open slot in my schedule, and was desperate to grab it, especially after those previous failures. From now on, I'll work my dinner parties around you, not the other way around.
Martin: It's all right son. Just make sure you enjoy your free time. Don't cram lots of activities and don't plan ahead too much. I never had much free time as a policeman but I didn't complain, Daphne's quite happy despite her being busy all day, and Niles had an unplanned meeting with Daphne that was the highlight of his day.
Frasier: True words, dad.

Niles and Daphne return to the livingroom

Daphne: Here he is. I've never seen anyone quite so sensitive to chili peppers, but he put on a brave face.

Niles smiles sheepishly

Niles: I think I'll have that sherry now, Frasier.

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

Niles and Frasier are arguing again. Niles gets a thick book and points to it while firing his salvos towards Frasier, who is nonchalant and turns on the stereo. Niles points to the stereo, then at Frasier, as if to criticize them. Frasier closes his eyes for a little moment, then shakes his head at Niles' speech and joins in the fray.