Origin of this story: Gwen got an "Unknown Caller" phone call, and we - well, mostly I - wondered who it was. I said, "What if it was Lust? 'Hey, is Scar there?' HOLY CRAP THAT'D MAKE SUCH A CRAZY FANFIC ASDFGHJKL;SDGIORWH," aaand this crap fell out of my brain, into a pencil, onto paper, and, thus, here.
You think like a true fanfic writer. A true, dorky, fanfic writer.
THANK YOU! -dances-
Um... well, here. Read this while I check Ina into an asylum...
OMG YEY THOSE JACKETS WOULD LOOK SO HOT ON ME~!
Yeah, they're all the rage. Now read.
It was a fine, sunshiny day at Central Headquarters. The birds were singing, a gentle breeze was rolling in through the open window, and there was no more paperwork to do.
Chewing on a toothpick, Edward laid back in his chair and propped his feet on the desk.
"I love Fridays," he said to his tin can of a brother, Al. "They're so relaxing."
"Yeah," he agreed, sitting by the windowsill with a little bluebird on his shoulder.
The shrill cry of the phone disrupted the peace of the office.
"Hello?" Ed answered, annoyed. It was probably just Mustang checking on him.
"Hey," came a low, but feminine voice. "Is, um... Is Scar there?"
The blond blinked. Was this who he thought it was? Why was she asking for the State Alchemist Killer? Maybe she had formed some kind of alliance with him. This information could be vital!
"Yeah, hold on." Elric covered the phone, cleared his throat, and tried out his best Scar impression "Hello?"
"What are you doing, brother?" Alphonse queried, but was hushed silently. His little brother shrugged and put on a pair of headphones hooked up to the recording audio receiver.
The woman on the other end of the line sighed with relief. "It's me."
"Who's me?" the alchemist asked.
She giggled, "Me, Lust, silly!"
"I knew that." Just as I thought...
"So... are we still on for tonight?"
He gulped. "Remind me, what are we going to do?"
"Say... Your voice sounds a little different."
"I... uh... lost my voice today. Yah..."
"Oh." Ed could hear the smile in her voice. "My voice got a little hoarse from yesterday, too. You were very loud last night, now that you mention it..." Her voice had now lowered to a rather low purr.
Wait... This was sounding completely wrong. This couldn't be some kind of attack planning at all, but they sure did have an alliance all right.
And Edward knew just where to go from here.
"Not as loud as you, lovely," he crooned.
"Oh, stop it," she laughed again. She was quite amusing.
"What did you have in mind for tonight?"
"Didn't we agree on your place?"
"We did? Well, see, my room is a little messy..." Wow that was a lame excuse.
"From Sunday?"
"Yeah." How long had they been... seeing each other?
"Good times," she murmured, obviously nostalgic of last weekend. Dear Lord...
"So how about your place?"
"Okay then. I'll be waiting, Boo-boo!" She sounded so happy. Oh well.
"I'll be there!" Ed hung up the phone hurriedly, pretty sure that was something dangerously close to phone sex.
An awkward silence fell over the room. The two brothers just sat there, imagining what terror will be unleashed to the world tonight.
Scar waited. And waited. And waited. He waited some more, and then kept waiting.
This isn't like her...
It was well past midnight. The only thing keeping him awake was the mere thought of her. He glanced at the phone beside his bed. Should I call her? As he reached cautiously for the phone, it rang.
"Hello?" he quickly answered.
"WHERE ARE YOU?!" Lust shrieked into the receiver, undoubtedly wanting to injure his ear.
"I WAS ABOUT TO ASK THE SAME THING!" he shouted back, exasperated.
"I THOUGHT we decided on my place, since you're such a slob!"
"And I thought we decided on my place, since we woke up Dante on Wednesday! And didn't you say that Gluttony was having nightmares, or something?!"
(The back-and-forth bickering the ensued is too hateful and probably illegal to repeat ever. Don't worry, it's just a lover's spat... I think...)
Back in Central, a certain pipsqueak was smiling in his sleep, knowing the two of his greatest enemies were going to kill each other very soon.
"You have a terrible Scar impersonation," Roy had commented when Ed showed him the tape. He was listening to it again with most of the military, who were all laughing hysterically, "And I you'd better be careful or you'll catch hearing AIDS..."
In the end, a grumpy little Dante cut the phone line, muttering to herself, "Never gonna get some sleep if these two keep meeting up every night..."
And, to think, all of this started with a simple wrong number.
YEEEEYYY!!! PHONE SEX!!! AND WE GET THE HEAR IT!!! Oh, and she calls him Boo-boo, not Scar. Isn't that genius? I think we need to make a sequel with the ridicule (wait- how the heck do you spell that? I suck at spelling...) that follows D I can see it now...
Well, I hope you liked it, because I can barely type with this thing on!
...What, you thought I was joking?
...Um...
._.; -runs away-
o3o... Okay bye.