Hello peoples! This is a crack-fic of epic proportions. You will also find this story under the screen name The Un of Uncommen, who is a co-author.

This crack fic follows Harry through his 1st year through hogwarts with major twists and new friends. Also, we are also not British, so please escuse our poor curses and stuff...yeah. um.....Oh yeah! We will be ending every chapter at exactly 1000 words. except for the authors note, which would make it over a thousand.

Warnings for all chapters= Crack-fic, character death, gore, slash, bashing (weasly and Dumblefuck), and an Amoral-ish harry.

Disclaimer= I don't own this JK does. if i did own it, i wouldn't be living in Idaho.

Harry Potter walked into the grand halls of the Goblin ran bank, Gringotts. Ugly wrinkly things looked down at him and Hagrid from podiums.

"Hagrid, what are those things?" Harry asked, curious.

"Those, Harry, are goblins. Nasty creatures, they are." Hagrid said looking in disgust at the Goblin next to him. He received an evil glare in return. They walked up to the highest podium, where the ugliest, nastiest, weirdest goblin ever was sitting.

"Jaghook, Me and Mr. Potter wish to access his accounts." Hagrid said, straightening his clothes, very full of himself.

"Accounts?" Jaghook smirked, "Of course. Mr. Potter a drop of your blood will tell us all of the accounts that you have in your holding."

'Shit.' Hagrid thought. 'Shit, shit, shit, shit! Dumbledore is gunna kill me. Oh Fang I'm so sorry. Aragog I'll miss you.' Harry walked up to the podium, holding out his hand. Jaghook hand him a knife, in which Harry took it and slashed his palm. A red gash appeared, spewing out drops of blood like old Faithfull, and a moment later it was healed as if nothing had happened in the first place. Jaghook took the knife dripping with blood, and flicked the blood on an enchanted piece of paper.

"Mr. Potter you can currently access the Potter and Black trust vaults, but there are three other Potter vaults along with five Black vaults that you may access when you come of age." Harry raised his eyebrows. Ten vaults? And who are the Blacks? Jaghook hopped down from his oversized chair, and walked to the back of the bank where two gigantic Oak doors stood.

They passed through the doors, only to be met with screams of terror. Harry swallowed nervously, a cold chill sweeping down his spine. A metal cart on a flimsy looking track stopped in front of them. Jaghook climbed into the cart, and nearly took up half the space, for it was only a miner's cart. Harry climbed in behind him, and looked at Hagrid. He would have to take his own cart.

"Vault 665." Jaghook spoke in his gravelly voice, and off the car went twisting, turning, jumping, dancing, crying, and cackling. Harry looked very green when the car finally stopped, and Hagrid pulled in just as Harry was getting out of the cart. He had to lean up against the wall just to keep from collapsing. Wimp. Jaghook walked up to iron doors, spit on them, and they opened.

"Do Goblins have magic spit?" Harry asked.

"Why yes, yes we do." Jaghook said as Harry walked into the vault. "Before you touch anything you need to claim the Potter and Black Heir rings." However Harry was already poking a column of Knuts. "I SAID BEFORE YOU TOUCH ANYTING!"

"I didn't touch I poked, and you said nothing about poking. Ha-ha! I win." Harry giggled.

"Whatever, just say 'I, Hadrian Jameson Potter…I mean 'I, Hadrian James Potter claim my birthright as the Potter and Black Heir.'"

"I, Hadrian James Potter claim my birthright as the Potter and Black Heir." When those magical words left his mouth, two very big and very gaudy rings appeared on his fingers. "You know, they kind of look like the rings that Aunt Marge wears." He said more to himself than to anyone else. As he looked around the vault he asked, "How am I supposed to carry all of this shit? It looks like it weighs more than Dudley!"

Jaghook sighed, "Here take this." As he handed the annoying wizard a pouch. "It's connected to your trust vaults." A look of glee crossed Harry's face at this news. "Now you can leave." Hagrid and Harry stared at him, "What!"

"We are underground, so how exactly are we going to leave?" Hagrid said, cross-eyed. He's been cross-eyed for years now. Jaghook looked even more annoyed at this.

"I knew that!" He huffed. They walked back outside to see the two carts on their hind wheels, in a fighting stance. Buzzing noises which sounded like taunts came from the two carts. Jaghook ran forward, waving his arms around like a maniac.

"Hey! HEY! BREAK IT UP YOU FREAKING PRATS!!!!" Jaghook yelled. He turned to look at Harry and Hagrid. "He slept with his girlfriend." He explained pointing at the cart on the left. They climbed in their respective carts.

They left Gringotts and looked at Harry's list.

"I need robes." Harry said bluntly.

"Go to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions and ask for the Hogwarts Uniform. I'm going to go get a pick-me-up in the Leaky Cauldron. Now scoot." Hagrid waited until Harry went into the store before heading off to get his drink.

"Hogwarts, dear?" a short, fat and smiling witch asked. "Got the lot here- another young man being fitted up just now, in fact."

"Madam, I'm attending the all girls' school in France." He managed to get out with a straight face. The look that appeared on her face made him break down into a fit of giggles. He sobered when she shot him a glare. "I'm sorry Madam, yes I'm attending Hogwarts, but I also need a full wardrobe worthy of the Black name." On the cart ride back to the main floor of the bank, Jaghook explained that the Black and Potter family were Ancient and Noble Houses, however the Blacks tended to live a life of luxury unlike the Potters. He also learned that he was able to take the Black name as his own if he wished.

Madam Malkin took Harry to the back room of the store and when she walked, it was a frightening sight. Up, jiggle-jiggle, down