*brushes some of the grave dirt out of my hair* "Oh my god, Bez! Where have you been?!" "Oh, yeah. I died for a bit. But it's cool, I'm all better now."

Seriously, I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long. I wanted to submit this to the Jello Forever April challenge, but I be too late. Oh well, I'mma post this anyway.

And tomorrow I'm going to finally submit phoenixmagic1's fic I owe. I can't apologize enough for such a long wait on your fic! And after finally submitting that, I'm going to go back, R&R all the fics I missed out on this month, then see what else I can update. Man, how did I fall so far behind? Curse you, real life!

Spoilers: 2x6 & 2x16

Ch. 1: Fire and Forgiveness

Everyone thought that Teresa Lisbon defined herself solely on her career. Watching her spend countless hours in her office, refusing to take vacation time until it was forced on her, coming into the bureau on her weekends; it was a reasonable conclusion for anyone to come to. But the truth was, Lisbon's job was not how she defined herself, her career was just a useful tool that aided her definition. Above all else, Lisbon had her morals. The world may be a cruel place to everyone (including herself), but at least she could be one of the few who did not let that cruelty corrupt them. And her job let her help at least take away some of the cruelty that existed in the world. That was the real reason she poured herself into her work.

The hardest part about being a cop though, are the moments you inevitably have to face. The moments that exist in the blurred gray areas of right and wrong. But Lisbon is plenty experienced now, and while she made some choices that still haunt her to this day, she took her mistakes in stride and allowed them to help strengthen her morality. She was only human, after all, so she learned from her decisions, and vowed never to make the same mistakes again.

While Lisbon knew not everyone was so willing to put forth all of their effort to make themselves better people, she'd never met anyone who put more effort into making themselves worse. Not until she met Patrick Jane, that is. His obsession with Red John was sending him into such a deep spiral that would inevitably hurt him, and most likely anyone around him.

Learning and growing from your mistakes to be a better person is no easy task. Lisbon goes through the trials almost every day. It took her ten years to muster up the courage to forgive the drunk driver who killed her mother. She didn't forgive her father until she was thirty. And only recently did she forgive her brother. Forgiveness is hard, but ultimately it lifts a weight off of your soul that would otherwise stagnate and fester inside until you can no longer feel anything but hatred. So while Lisbon certainly could never blame Jane for not wanting to forgive the man who killed his family, she always held on to the hope that one day he could at least forgive himself.

Forgiveness, though morally important to Lisbon, was more of something one did to bring peace in themselves and with others. Above all else, the value of human life was something Lisbon held sacred. The trials and trepidations on defacing this value are not easy for anyone in the police force, and Lisbon was no exception. Her very first kill was a man who tried to commit suicide with a gun. While Bosco tried to talk him out of the act, the man became angry and turned the gun on Bosco. Lisbon instinctively fired. Even back then she was known for her cool and calm demeanor, but nothing could prepare her for the moment that man hit the ground. There was no uncontrollable sobbing, she just stood there completely frozen and wide-eyed. In fact, she didn't move until Bosco dragged her to a more secluded area. She was expecting berating, but he just wrapped his arms around her small form and simply said, "I know" in a comforting, understanding voice.

But killing a man to protect a loved one's life is very different from protecting a loved one who killed a man. Well, almost a man, if anyone could call a child rapist a man. But as much of a low-life this person was, it doesn't justify taking another human's life. Lisbon may have only arrived at the exact moment it happened, but it was long enough for her to know exactly what had happened. It was no life or death situation, Bosco didn't choose his life over the other, because the man wasn't armed. In fact, the man seemed stunned at Bosco's presence. All that week Bosco had been spending hours looking up the habits of this man, studying where and when he would be able to catch him off guard and take him off the streets since the judicial system couldn't. Premeditated murder. But even with all of that, Lisbon just couldn't bring herself to turn Bosco in. Bosco was her mentor, her friend, and the man she was in love with, and the man he killed was a low-life child rapist. However justified the kill was though, Lisbon couldn't help but be a little sickened by the satisfied glint in her mentor's eye that he held from killing a man. Instead of turning him in, she left for Sacramento a week later. Something that haunts her to this day. Something she promised herself she would never do again.

She broke that promise.

On a Red John case, Jane seemed to have gathered a vital clue that only he could understand. To no one's surprise, Jane vanished. To no surprise to Lisbon, so had one of the guns from her car. Through sheer force of stubbornness, the team was able to decipher the clue Jane had found just one hour after he had. The clue led them to an abandoned hospital in the desert, which was coated in darkness by the time Lisbon and the team had arrived. As soon as they were out of the car, Lisbon immediately barked out orders to split up to cover all exits and check every room of the large building. After a few hallways that held nothing but dust, Lisbon finally saw Jane in the distance, aiming the gun. The very second she got close enough to see Red John's smiling face, Jane fired his gun.

She still doesn't know why she did it. Maybe it was love, maybe it was her almost motherly over protectiveness of her team, or maybe it was just outright fear, but she did it again. She protected a man she loved instead of turning him in.

The moment she reached Jane, she pushed him to the ground. But instead of cuffing him, as Jane expected she would, Lisbon grabbed the recently fired weapon, wiped Jane's prints off, and shoved her holstered weapon into his hands. She would carry the recently fired weapon. She knew very few people would question her statement, though false it may be. Moments later the rest of the team arrived and asked what had happened. Before Jane had a chance to open his mouth, Lisbon answered.

"Red John was about to attack Jane. I pushed Jane out of the way and shot Red John."

If Jane was surprised by Lisbon's actions, he hid it well. The rest of the team took her response without question. Lisbon instructed her team what to do next while she took Jane outside.

Neither of them spoke the entire time. Jane needed no explanation for what to do when they were questioned about Red John's death. If Lisbon was willing to lie to her team, she was willing to take the rap on his kill. They just drove in silence back to the CBI, not even a passing glance was spared.

One month later, Jane was still working for the SCU, seemingly unaffected by the latest events. But Lisbon noticed that familiar glint in his eye, but tried her hardest to ignore it. Especially because that night, Jane had finally decided to take Lisbon on a date. One date led to another, which eventually led to Jane moving in. By then it was getting harder and harder for Lisbon to ignore that glint. She over rationalized the whole situation over and over. Reminding herself how horrendously evil Red John was, how much better off the world was without him, and how Jane most likely saved them all the trouble of the probability that Red John would escape jail.

The problem with over rationalizing though, is that it doesn't eliminate that wrong feeling. And if something feels wrong, it most likely is.

Finally, one night while they were making love, Lisbon opened her eyes to the worst possible thing: that god damned glint. In the middle of making love to her! Anger overflowed her system, and before she could stop herself, she pushed him off of her.

"Use your words, woman! If you wanted to stop all you had to do was say so, jeeze." Jane couldn't help the irritation in his voice.

But Lisbon didn't respond, she just got up, put on a robe and went downstairs for a cold glass of water. After downing her water, Jane came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist in hopes to improve her mood. She just shrugged him off and left him again to sit on the couch.

"Teresa, what's wrong?"

After a long silence, just before Jane was about to give up and go back to bed, Lisbon spoke just barely above a whisper.

"Do you ever regret it?"

Jane didn't need to ask what 'it' was.

"No. Why should I?"

His comment would have made her flinch, but there was no way she was going to lose her control. Not now.

"You killed a man. That's not enough of a reason?"

"Lisbon, he would have escaped from jail, you and I and everyone else knows he would have found a way out! It was better that way."

"Better for whom? For you?"

He didn't answer, he couldn't answer. But then, he didn't need to, she already knew it. In the end, Jane would always inevitably choose Red John over her. But his obsession with avenging his family turned him into someone so sickeningly similar to the serial killer. He transformed into a creature who gained a disgusting pleasure out of taking the life of another human being. It became more than just revenge, Jane wanted to kill this man so badly, it became some perverse pleasure to him. An arousal. Something Lisbon always knew in the back of her mind. Tonight was the first time she'd opened her eyes while making love to Jane, and she could see as clear as day what he was really thinking of while with her. And she couldn't take it anymore.

It was the confirmation she dreaded facing. It was as if the only way Jane could ever stay happy was as if he re-lived that moment again. As if he could continue to kill this man, a serial killer in thought.

She wasn't the reason for his happiness. And she probably never would be. And it ate away her soul every time she thought of how truly in love with this man she was, but the only thing he was in love with was killing Red John.

"God, I wish I'd never met you."

Lisbon tore her gaze away from the man in front of her, afraid if she looked into those eyes any longer she would lose it. Instead she settled for the long and heavy silence that fell on the room. Neither of them moved, too afraid to make a sound.

"I might be able to make your wish come true." Jane finally whispered in a defeated tone.

It wasn't a quick progress. It took three weeks of hypnotic sessions, re-writing seven years worth of memories.

Lisbon was hesitant before the first session, besides being skeptical of the whole thing, she wondered how Jane could have taken her hurtful comment so literal. But she was tired of being hurt, and Jane's tantalizing promises of peace of mind and a mended heart drove her to actually make a selfish move. For once, she wanted to be selfish.

With careful persuasion (begging) by Jane, he was able to get Hightower to help get Lisbon a good job back east, so she could be closer to her brothers. If she was going to erase Jane from her memories, she needed to be away from any reminders of him. Being closer to her brothers would help her not only feel less lonely, but help her feel like she had a purpose: to reunite her family.

Each session was a grueling two hours of re-living painful and joyous memories, uncertainties, and deep rooted emotions. But Jane was experienced enough at pushing down his emotions. Besides, he was doing it for the happiness of the woman he loved, and if that meant he couldn't be a part of her life, then so be it.

After two weeks, Lisbon no longer felt the deep-rooted love she'd developed for Jane. And at the end of the last session (which was held at the city park), she couldn't even recognize the man sitting next to her, talking about the weather as if he were a stranger just interested in striking up a conversation.

That night Jane was forced to go back to his house in Malibu, a place he hadn't been to in a long while. His brain and body were exhausted from his sessions with Lisbon that the autopilot mode in his brain switched on to allow some form of rest. He barely realized what room he was heading into until the door was open.

That face. That face that always taunted him. That face that forced him to either re-live death ridden nightmares, or dream of a bloody revenge.

However, tonight that face held something else for him. Visions of Lisbon, slowly withering away emotionally from that fateful night. All the signs he should have noticed. All the pain clearly marked all over her features. All the things Jane should have noticed, but never did.

"Do you ever regret it?"

He stared at the face on his wall, as if it was the one who asked him that familiar question.

"Now I do."

I know that's probably not actually possible in RL, hypnotizing away a person, but I made it so in my story. Besides, this was the first time I let a story take the lead, instead of me meticulously planning it. This was not how I originally intended this story to go. *shrugs*