Squalo is fourteen when he kills the Sword Emperor, cuts off his own hand, and is offered the honour of commanding the Vongola's most elite assassination squad, the Varia.
It's actually a lot funnier than you'd expect. All these big, bulky men in black suits, with their black shades and earpieces, hands folded behind their back, backs ramrod straight, shoulders back, looking down in confusion at this short, one-handed teenager raising his eyebrows at them with a 'you're kidding, right?'
He refuses, of course. He's fourteen - are these people idiots? Yes, it is kind of his fault that there's a power vacuum, but that doesn't mean you drag a fourteen year old into being the head of an assassination squad.
No way he's going to let them shove all that crappy paperwork on him. And seriously, being an assassin is messed up as it is now, being an assassin for the Vongola is worse, but the Varia? Having to look over the place known for all the psychos, sadists, and weirdos? These people aren't just idiots, they're insane.
No, thanks. Trying to make sure Dino doesn't trip over air and get himself killed on a daily basis (weekends included) is enough of a headache-ridden attempt at leadership and group work and that kind of bullshit and holy crap breathe, Squalo, breathe.
Also, he has school.
Which means homework.
His mother is terrifying.
Which means a proper, well-rounded education that ensures he actually does know how to read and write in both Italian and English is essential, and, for some reason that has never explained to him, be perfectly fluent in Japanese.
Paperwork is terrifying. Among mafioso, it is in fact one of the root causes of fatigue and potentially fatal.
Did he mention his mother is terrifying? She can smell fear.
There is a multitude of reasons for why Squalo wants nothing to do with being the Varia's boss. It's not until months later when he meets Xanxus that he realises that while there is a certain pride to being named commander, there is far more to pride oneself in by serving and shaping a great commander.
Squalo is offered the position of boss again then, because wow, they really made a ruckus of that power vacuum he made in March, and that Federico guy, one of the big candidates for Vongola Decimo, apparently got involved in a gunfight. Or maybe it was Enrico, but, let's be honest, it doesn't really matter anymore.
They may have been Timoteo's sons?
Ah. Squalo doesn't keep up with that.
Squalo very subtly suggests Xanxus (and by subtly, he means he yells it in the faces of semi-important figures, maybe a little more important than that, maybe the Vongola Nono), and gives a logical, carefully-construed account of the reasons why Xanxus would be both ruthless and exceptionally productive in such a position ("HE IS A CRUEL, HORRIBLE MURDERER THROUGH AND THROUGH! THERE IS NOTHING HE WOULDN'T DO FOR MONEY - except to kids, of course. We have morals. Your children will always be safe with us.").
Something along those lines.
Honestly, when he gets like that, Squalo doesn't really think about what he says.
Squalo is fourteen when he becomes the Second Sword Commander, declines the position of Varia's boss twice, falls in love with someone who'd rather throw things at his head than kiss him, causes a power vacuum in the mafia world that begins the butterfly effect resulting in an idiot Japanese middle schooler becoming the best candidate for Vongola Decimo, and kind of regrets cutting his hand off because he can't even play video games any more.
He would feel bad, but Dino exists.
.
.
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Unedited hehe. This came out on a random whim. Why Squalo, I don't know, but he's cool. Why the Reborn fandom, I don't know. I always say I'm going to start a new drabble series and omg it's gonna be so great, but no. This fic is actually going to be a lot darker than it seems. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel less tasteless, but eh.
I think this is what people refer to as 'shitposting'. Except it's fan fiction, of course.
LaKRipper :)