Notes: not mine, no profit garnered. Title and opening quote from Caroline Cabrera's Dear Sensitive Beard,. Thanks A!
When you grow up near lakes, you test their limits. You try to rest your feet upon the surface without disturbing its skin. It is possible-there are bugs, viscosity. You are careless.
Pacey was exhausted but in the best possible way to imagine being exhausted. He'd spent yet another fantastic weekend that did not take place in Capeside, with Tammy, in another better place where they could actually get coffee in public. Pacey decided he liked coffee more than soda. As long as there was chocolate and milk in it. He had a sophisticated, adult palate.
Pacey was careful, extremely careful in everything he did when it came to this romance. He never spoke to anyone except to Dawson and only in Dawson's house. Sadly, he hadn't checked the closet one time which was how the prudest prude scared virgin of Capeside also known as Joey Potter knew.
He was half asleep on Dawson's bed while Dawson was off on his date with Jen. While any port was better than the storm of the Witter house, Dawson's place had always been his favorite. Besides Tammy's, but he had to be more circumspect and tricky to get to that one so it was only a port in a very specific storm situation.
Unfortunately, Joey stuck her head in the window and didn't climb back down when she saw Pacey. "He's not here, Jo, he's on a date. With Jen, your favorite blonde."
"I know, moron," Joey said. She got in the bed next to him, his nostrils invaded by her smell. It was a mix of creek and grass and vaguely feminine scented, like the smell of girl's deodorant, girly shampoo, girl soap all mixed together. Tammy smelled like a woman. She said, "Do you know how loud a newborn is? I just need to sleep."
"Me, too," Pacey said. "I'm all tuckered out from being a fantastic lover."
"I bet you're not that fantastic. Plus, you and your teacher? Is still gross. She's Humbert Humberting you."
"Hubert Humphrey? I'm humping humpers?"
"Nabokov's Lolita. I have a copy in my backpack for you to read. You're not exactly Lolita, but you're being used. Tammy is preying on you and your insecurity. You're the most insecure person I know, and yes, I am including myself before you ask," Joey said.
"Yeah, she's preying on me by having great sex with me, and helping me study and treating me like her boyfriend, which I am. Sorry both the boys you know have someone to get freaky with and you don't," Pacey said. "Maybe because you're so such a ray of sunshine."
"Shut up and let me sleep," Joey said.
"You started the conversation, miss priss," Pacey said.
Pacey stupidly brought the whole thing up with Tammy. It was a Wednesday night at her place, they'd just had typically mindblowing sex and now Tammy was reading and Pacey was skimming his science textbook. He was absorbing important data. Dating his English teacher was having a great affect on his other grades. Pacey said, "You're no Humbert Humbert."
Tammy inhaled deeply and she tensed. She said, "Thank you? Did you read Lolita?"
Pacey lied, he knew Tammy would be livid if she knew he'd told even Dawson and unintentionally Joey. He said, "The movie poster was sexy. The book, not so much. But I'm saying, I'm no Lolita."
"You're not twelve," Tammy said, relaxing.
"You're not raping me," Pacey said. "Seriously, that book was the opposite of sexy, it was horrifying. What is with the sexy movie poster? That is some seriously false advertising."
"Nabokov specifically requested that the cover of the book didn't feature that kind of imagery," Tammy said. "People miss the point."
"Men specifically totally miss the point, I bet," Pacey said. "Clearly they didn't have anyone to tell what unreliable narrators are." He kissed her shoulder.
"The laws say I am," Tammy said. "The same as him. They could be right." She got up out of bed. "Maybe we should stop."
Pacey was so tired of that line, he had no idea why Tammy couldn't just get over it, but she kept saying it over and over again. Then he begged and then she changed her mind. He hated the dance but he was more than willing to do it, he just got tired of it. Still, it was a small price to pay. He said, "We shouldn't. We're fine. Laws are about everyone, this is about you and me."
She smiled. "You should still leave, though. Don't want to get caught."
"Got it," he said. They made out more while he got dressed and then he snuck out the back door and went to get his bike a few blocks away.
It didn't come up during their next weekend away. Pacey decided he absolutely had to get a job far better than the video store so he could pay for some of this stuff, be an actual man in this relationship and not just a guy and his sugar mama.
He slept in on Monday a little hitting the snooze pretty hard, and woke up to his father dragging him out of bed and throwing him on the floor. "You worthless shit, how could you do this?"
"Do what," Pacey said, shuffling backwards towards his bed. In some world, there was a Pacey who could say he'd never been woken up this way but for this world Pacey knew the best option was to retreat. But he couldn't shut up. He sucked at shutting up. "What the fuck do you think I did?"
"Don't try that," his father said. "I've seen pictures, someone took pictures of you being a jackass, ruining this woman's life. You're going to make this family a laughingstock, a fucking disgrace."
"Still confused," Pacey said, though he was starting not to be. Surely he wasn't get talked to Sheriff Witter style about Tammy. He couldn't be.
"The poor woman whose life you ruined is being arrested and run out of town. And you aren't leaving this house until we've made sure that no one knows what you did." His father stormed out and Pacey scrambled to get dressed and get to the phone. Of course, he didn't have a phone in his room because he wasn't worth it or whatever his mother had said. When he headed to Doug's room, Doug was sitting there.
"You can't use this phone, Pacey. You fucked up. You ruined Tammy's life and this is all your fault."
"So you're locking me in the house forever? Fuck you, Doug," Pacey said.
The day got worse and worse. They made sure he couldn't call out, and his mother and then Doug and then his father all yelled at him for ruining the Witters, for making "that teacher" leave town, for being even worse than any of them expected. Pacey asked if he would ever get to go to school again and his mother said, "Why would you even want to? You weren't doing that well."
Pacey said, "Yes, I am."
"You won't be now that that teacher you seduced is gone."
He went to bed without dinner and kinda hoped he wouldn't even wake up.
Unfortunately, he did wake up. He woke up because someone was shaking him. It wasn't Tammy, because he'd never get to see Tammy again, it was his sister Paula. "What are you doing here, Paulie?"
"Pacey, you need to pack. I'm taking you home with me." She started putting his clothes in a duffel bag.
"What are you talking about? I want to go to school, Capeside High," Pacey said.
"Look, Pacey, you know this family. They called you in sick yesterday, said you had lyme disease and now you have to go to school with me because I work in healthcare and can take care of you."
Pacey sat up and rubbed his eyes. "You work in billing at a hospital," he said. "Why in the world can't I go to school?"
"Because our family sucks," Paula said. "Look, Dad arrested that teacher lady. One of the other teachers saw you two in Providence or something, took pictures. Then Dad traced the records and figured out what you've been doing. Except they didn't really arrest her, they just told her to leave forever and never see you again." She handed him a tissue, he guessed he was crying.
"How am I ruining the family again?" His voice sounded awful.
"You know, all that stuff in the news about that teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau, and her boyfriend. Dad thinks if he arrests that chick, you'll be on the news and the Witters will be a laughingstock. So they don't want you going to school telling everyone what's happened," Paula said.
Pacey got up and grabbed a t-shirt, put it on. "I won't tell, I won't ever tell, obviously, I've kept my mouth shut for weeks," he said.
"They don't care, you know that. Mom called me and was talking about homeschooling or military school, I volunteered and said I'd take you." She'd already filled one duffel bag and was putting shoes and boots in the second one. "They want you to stay away until June."
"The whole entire school year? What the fuck, Paula?"
"Yeah," Paula said. "Our parents suck, Pacey. You know it and I know it. I'll let you call your friends, we'll work it out, I just want to help you, kiddo." She looked at him like she was about to cry, she was so desperate to get him out of the house. He wasn't the guy who could resist that face on people he liked. Hell, he had trouble resisting that look on people he didn't like. Pacey nodded and helped her pack. Everything he owned and gave a crap about turned out not to be very much.
They were on the road in an hour. Oddly enough, no one woke up to say goodbye. Pacey didn't care at all.
He fell asleep on the trip even though it was only three hours. Paula stopped somewhere along the road at a Dunkin Donuts, got them both coffee and donuts. He watched her driving and she looked miserable. Her jaw was clenched and her eyes watery. He said, "You really hate Mom and Dad."
"Sometimes," Paula said. "Mostly I love them. But they're not good at some things, you know. Kerry and Doug are the special ones, me and Gretchen got ignored and you're the baby scapegoat. We all deserve better. Go back to sleep, kiddo."
"After all this coffee?" Pacey stared out the window.
Paula let him inside her apartment, it was pretty nice. She said, "Since I got that raise, I don't have to have a roommate, you got your own room and your own bathroom. It's the lap of fucking luxury. You can unpack, I'm going to go buy some stuff for you, including a long distance card so you can call your friends."
Pacey contemplated escape but escape to where? He didn't know where Tammy went, he'd probably be run out of Capeside before he could hide at Dawson's or Joey's. He'd never had his own bathroom before. His very own shower.
He was sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels trying to find something fun to watch since he had the day off apparently. Paula came in with bags of groceries and a plastic bag from some drugstore. She threw the plastic bag at him.
He took out the card and went straight to the bedroom. He tried calling Dawson and Joey but, of course, they were at school. He guessed he'd try later.
Paula said, "I also went by the office and started getting you ready for school. I think you can start on Monday."
"Do they think I have lyme disease or I'm a teenage runaway and I got suspended for being useless?" Pacey knew he was whining but the last two days had been an unimaginable disaster of apocalyptic proportions.
"I said our parents are sick and they need time for themselves," Paula said glaring at him. "Which is basically the truth, they're sick and shitty parents and maybe you can get one year not being treated like you're useless, which you are emphatically not."
"Whatever," Pacey said.
"Anyway, we have an appointment in an hour," Paula said.
"We have an appointment?"
"You do," Paula said. "At the free clinic. Before you start whining, it's just a smart thing to do when you're sexually active, whether the relationship was illegal and wrong or not."
"You think I was in the wrong," Pacey said.
"No, I think that witch was in the wrong, I wish Dad had prosecuted her and put her in jail where she belongs," Paula said.
"I wanted to be with her, I want to be with her right now," Pacey said, nearly yelling.
"I know," Paula said. "Don't worry, I'm not tracking her down. But you still have to go to the clinic. I won't be in the room, don't worry."
The free clinic looked exactly like every single free clinic Pacey had ever been in, which is to say the one back in Capeside. It made Pacey wonder if they all decorated from the same catalog, right down to the aggressively dull couches. He and Dawson had gone once, kind of on a lark, to get condoms when they were fourteen. It was actually kind of a dare. Dawson had insisted he could just steal some from his parents. Pacey had said maybe Dawson didn't want another little Leery in the world. And it wasn't like Pacey could steal from his parents. He never actually believed his parents had liked each other enough to have sex with each other five times. If he and Paula didn't have such a strong sibling resemblance, he'd really wonder about adoption. It would explain a lot.
Pacey was conjuring up better parents for himself, teenagers, of course, who loved each other and thought the town sheriff would actually be a decent dad, and then they went their separate ways and somewhere out there Pacey had rich ass parents who would get him the hell out of Capeside. Maybe if he'd been all over the TV for his romance, they would've recognized him.
Paula elbowed him. "You're up, kiddo."
He handed in the forms and went back to the examining room. The nurse told him to strip and put on the gown which in the tradition of all gowns given out to patients did not really fit. Pacey sat on the paper spread on the examining bed. The posters in this office were all about STDs and rape. It was unbelievably cheery.
He wished he could send some of the pictures of diseased penises to Joey. Put them inside a lovely floral card so she screamed when she opened it.
The doctor finally came in. He was a young guy, older than Pacey, younger than Tammy. The doctor said, "Okay, so you're here for an exam and some tests."
"We always used condoms so I don't know how important any testing is," Pacey said.
"You used condoms for all your types of contact between this person?"
"This woman," Pacey said. "I know, it would be okay if it were a boy, but it was actually a mature woman. We didn't use them for blowjobs," Pacey said, proud of himself for not stumbling over the word. "Or the reverse."
"So there is a chance you could have caught something," the doctor said. "So let's get these tests done."
Pacey did what he was told, turned and coughed, made a joke about taking him out to dinner that he was pretty sure the doctor had heard a million times before and then said, "Can I put my pants back on now?"
"Absolutely," the doctor said. He sat down on a stool instead of leaving. "Since this was your first, we can talk a little now."
"Can we?" Pacey threw his hands wide. "I can't wait."
"Everything you say to me is protected by privilege," the doctor said.
"Oh, so my sister told you how I was so abused by my girlfriend, right? Just because she's 35," Pacey said. "But I wanted her, I was the one who went after her and she loves me."
"You both wanted it," the doctor said, nodding.
"I'm not twelve," Pacey said.
"Twelve is definitely too young," the doctor said tentatively.
"Absolutely. My best friend's girlfriend, she lost her virginity when she was twelve, some college guy got her drunk. That is too young and it's totally wrong," Pacey said. "Dawson told me when he was still absorbing and processing and I told him to get his head out of his ass, because that was just, that's not how it should happen."
"I completely agree," the doctor said. "Twelve is too young for anyone."
"These are not colonial times," Pacey said. "And being drunk, you shouldn't be deciding that kind of thing when you're drunk. Or if the other person got you drunk. My friend Joey, she was drunk and this guy kept trying to get her out of the party we were at - I punched him in the jaw which hurt like hell for me."
"How old is Joey?"
"Fifteen, like me. But even if she was sober, she's not ready for sex. She's scared of it, she thinks it's wrong and gross. She'll probably be twenty-two when she finally lowers herself to the animal instincts the rest of us let fly," Pacey said. He fidgeted and picked at his jeans.
"So fifteen is okay for you, but not for Joey," the doctor said.
"It's not because she's a girl, it's because she's Joey. Honestly, I don't think Dawson is ready either despite all the parental instruction," Pacey said. "Not in a gross way, his parents just used to make out constantly. Everywhere. Even I once walked in on them, sadly Gayle was still dressed. But they were like rabbits until the separation."
"Do you think it's wrong to rush someone?"
"Yes," Pacey said. "No one rushed me, though. No one gave me drugs or got me drunk. Tammy wanted me and she loves me and I love her."
"But she's thirty-five," the doctor said.
"So what?"
"If she was Tommy and a he and was dating your friend Joey, you'd be okay with that?"
Pacey slumped a little. "Because Joey hates sex and having fun, it would be weird. But yes, generic thirty-five year old guy hitting on teenage girls is gross. Girls are different," Pacey said. "Girls are trained and told they shouldn't want sex, they have to give it up so when an older guy is working to overcome that. He probably just wants sex or he's completely immature. Fifteen year old guy and fifteen year old girl, that's probably okay. They're both about the same maturity level."
"If she's ready, unlike your friend Joey," the doctor said.
"Yeah," Pacey said. "But I was, and she wanted me."
"I'm sure she did," the doctor said. He handed Pacey pamphlets and condoms in a bag and gave him a number to call to get his test results. Pacey wasn't the least bit worried, not even at all.
Paula drove him back to her apartment. Drove him home, Pacey thought. He went straight to his room and used his card to call Dawson.
"I am so glad you're home, finally," Pacey said.
"You're in Maine," Dawson said. "Stephen King Maine."
"No clowns or killer dogs spotted yet," Pacey said. "What are people saying at school?"
"No one connected you being sent off with lyme disease with Miss Jacobs having to quit because her mother died," Dawson said. "Although mostly I've heard people saying you were actually sent to rehab for dope."
"Dope? Who in Capeside thinks we have enough dealers to support a single addict? I wish I were in rehab, frankly. Or had lyme disease. So no word from Tammy?"
Dawson said, "She wouldn't leave me a message. If she tries I will definitely make sure you get it."
They talked for another twenty minutes. Then Pacey subjected himself to talking to Joey out of sheer desperation. He even called Jen. "I was thinking about you today," he said. "You know, both of us kicked out of thriving metropolises because of our parents thought we were bad."
"Does your sister quote the Bible a lot or ever?"
"Not at all," Pacey said.
"You win," she said.
Wednesday morning he was once again shaken awake. "Why won't one of you just buy me a damn alarm?"
"I'm going to yoga, so you're going to yoga," Paula said. "Put on some sweatpants."
"Do you think I'll start sleepwalking and do a Godzilla on the building?"
"Nope," Paula said. "But I'm in charge of you now, and I think this will be good for you. I go Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and you're going to, too. Hurry up."
Pacey lurched around and finally looked at the clock. "You have a yoga class at 6:30 in the morning three days a week? What, are you punishing me? Was this Dad's idea?"
"Dad would never send you to a yoga class, and it's at 6:45. Come on," she said.
He barely wanted to go in and contemplated rebellion or at least a nap in the car. Paula said, "I wasn't going to go this low, but if you make me. Yoga makes you more flexible. Way more flexible. I had an ex who insisted that thanks to yoga, he could give himself a blowjob without breaking his back."
"Okay," Pacey said. "Low is always the way to go with me, Paula."
The class wasn't so bad. He'd thought he was in pretty good shape, but fifty minutes of moving from one pose to another and he was dripping sweat.
Then he spent another day watching TV, reading the books Paula had which was a lot of science fiction and fantasy with strong female characters. They weren't that bad. Better than Lolita, not that that was difficult.
Wednesday night, Paula showed him how to turn on her laptop and stood over him as he opened his aol account. He was going to make a very clever pun screen name but it occurred to him Tammy might look for him. So he was PaceyJWitter , easy for her to search for him and contact him. He desperately wanted her to. He wanted to say a real goodbye or tell her to come get him. It was wrong they weren't together.
But she was probably relieved, no more wondering if they should be together, no weighing every little thing Pacey did to see if he was worth it.
Thursday, Paula came home at lunch with a stack of books. She said, "Your classes are all firmed up. Here's some stuff to get you caught up. You don't have to read everything by Monday, but the more you get through the better. Also, you need to pick two languages. Your options are: Spanish, French, Russian, German, and Japanese."
"Why do I have to take two?"
"Because Maine schools are better than Capeside's, so pick two or I'll pick for you," Paula said.
"Fine, you pick," Pacey said. "Just not Japanese, okay?"
"What do you have against Japanese?"
"It's a whole new alphabet, and apparently I'm going to have cram all these books into my head, so maybe for once, something easy?"
"German and Russian it is," Paula said.
He spent the afternoon looking over the books he had to read. He was three novels and a Shakespeare play behind everyone in his English class. The biology class had covered a bunch of stuff he'd never done in his biology class or passed a test on. He was pretty sure he had the Geometry covered, but he'd need to review everything. Add in PE, and his two new language classes, he was going to need to become Joey Potter to pass anything.
When Paula came home from work, he'd made dinner. Not a spectacular dinner, but even he could follow the recipe for making mac and cheese he'd found on the internet. He added in some bacon and because Paula seemed to like green things with every meal, some broccoli, too. "I'm blown away," Paula said. "And it's edible."
"Thank you, I know," Pacey said. "Can we just order pizza tomorrow?"
"I'm not made of money, kiddo. Dad's sending me some money to cover you, but this month is going to be expensive. Your winter gear sucks and all your hand me downs are falling apart. And I am not Mom, I'm not darning your socks. We'll go to the Gap or something," Paula said. "We'll do that Saturday. Tomorrow there's yoga, and then you have an appointment with a shrink at the community clinic and then I have to get you to the school for a meeting with your guidance counselor."
"A shrink? You are punishing me," Pacey said.
"Please, our Dad's a depressed drunk, our Mom is awful, you have no self-esteem, the shrink is so maybe someday you have a chance to be less fucked up than the rest of us," Paula said.
"I have self-esteem," Pacey said. He heard Joey saying he was the most insecure person she knew.
Paula said, "I'm in charge. Okay?"
"Whatever," Pacey said.
The shrink wasn't so bad. Mostly because Pacey thought time would pass faster if he talked instead of trying the silent treatment. He didn't learn or grow. Paula said he'd be going back every Friday until the school year was over.
Meeting with the guidance counselor was much more unsettling. Pacey told Joey about it that night. "She says I'm smart," Pacey said. "Did you take that aptitude test thing? I only took it because Tammy administered it. Apparently that test does not work because the guidance counselor said it said I was smart, above average intelligence. She said I'd have no problem catching up. She said since I was clearly college bound I should probably sign up for extra curriculars. Debate. And the Lit Mag. And try out for JV basketball. Jo, this is insane."
"Oh my God, Pacey, you're screeching in my ear," Joey said. "I'm as shocked as you about your intelligence, but maybe don't hit that soprano register, please, spare my ears."
"You are not helping," he said. He did try to speak like a guy.
Pacey read all Friday night. He got up Saturday morning and did the same. Now he had to worry about all the other students who would think he was smart. Paula took him to the Gap, J. Crew, Eddie Bauer and bought him jeans and sweatpants and shirts. "When is the last time Mom and Dad took you shopping?"
"Never, they just drop me off at Goodwill two towns over where everyone's richer and pay for what I pick out when they come back. I know, you got to go shopping," Pacey said. He remembered as a little kid, Paula and Kerry and bags from an actual mall.
"I only got that stuff because Mom was taking Kerry," Paula said.
"Aren't we a couple of sad sacks," Pacey said. "Whatever, thanks for the new clothes."
"I want you to make a good impression," Paula said. She had that about to cry desperate look in her eye again.
Pacey hugged her in the middle of the store. "Thank you, Paula."
"You're a dork," Paula said.
His first week was bewilderingly busy and stressful. Everyone, from teachers to other students, all seemed to think he was smart. It was like he was Joey Potter only with a penis and marginally less surliness. He got junior positions on Debate and the Lit Mag and no one seemed upset that he was horning in after two months of school. He tried out for JV Basketball and made the cut to start. He went to yoga with Paula and tried to cook more at home so she wasn't always so exhausted and looking like she'd reached the end of her rope. He called his remaining three friends in Capeside and oddly talked longest to Jen, because she actually had tips about being a stranger in a strange land. Also, she was more understanding. Thursday afternoon he went to his mandated after school tutoring for his German and Russian classes.
He sat down in the cafeteria and waited for his tutor to arrive. The chick who sat down across from him was not at all what he expected, not the slightest bit nerd or wearing glasses and some other movie stereotype. Well, she was a stereotype of sorts; she was super hot. Like Lauryn Hill from the Fugees hot. She looked at him and said, "I'm Kaleelah. It's pronounced kuh-LEE-lah. So don't call me Katie or Kayleigh or Leela or Lila or Lala or whatever stupid nickname you think up. Kaleelah."
Pacey just looked at her. He was too tired to think of a good line. He was just going to blurt out something and embarrass himself. She said, "Are you trying to think of a joke about black russians?"
"No, I was, honestly, you're so pretty. I didn't think I'd get a pretty tutor."
She frowned and scrunched up her face and then said, "Seriously?"
"Seriously. This week has taken a lot out of me and like, I would usually have a line to make sure you know how pretty I thought you were, but I got nothing. You're really pretty, Kaleelah." He smiled at her. People liked his smile.
"Okay," Kaleelah said. "I'm taking German and Russian 3 so I get extra credit for tutoring you. So you should do well with my help." It sounded like an order. It was an expectation. Pacey was getting used to those. He'd been used to expectations, but they were always low and easy to live down to. Now he had to live up to them.
"I bet you have plans," Pacey said. "Big college plans. My friend Joey back in Capeside is the same way except she doesn't tutor anyone because she's very very angry all the time."
"I'm going to Stanford," Kaleelah said. She already opened his Russian book and flipped to the front. "Where are you going?"
"Well, up until two weeks ago, the main place I was supposed to end up post high school was pumping gas but now that everyone thinks I'm so smart, I've raised my expectations to one of your more selective community colleges," Pacey said.
"Pasha, you can do better."
He was going to say it was Pacey, but she probably knew that. He liked having a nickname.
While Kaleelah and Tammy caused a similar stirring in his loins, they were totally different. Kaleelah was gorgeous, but she was a gorgeous sixteen year old. She didn't act like a teacher, she was more of a study partner. He'd seen Jo do this with Dawson. Plus, Kaleelah was basically running him the very very basic building blocks in an afternoon, covering the first two weeks of class in an afternoon.
He told his guidance counselor his first week had been tough but he was definitely getting there. She said all the teachers said he was doing great. He tried not to stare.
He told his shrink stupid minutiae so the hour passed quick and then he went home and went to bed at eight pm.
"Joey, I have been trying to be you for two weeks and it is killing me. No wonder you hate the world and radiate anger," Pacey said.
"You mean you've been studying and doing homework? I'm sure it's so hard."
"No," Pacey said. "It's not enough to do my homework. I have past homework to catch up on and I have to be ready for midterms and finals. I have a tutor in my language classes who is so hot, and they actually want me to do things in Debate and Lit Mag and the basketball season starts soon. Plus, I complain about my parents, rightfully so, but Paula wants me to clean my bathroom and do my own laundry and cook my own meals. And I don't mean frozen dinners you put in the microwave."
"It's a clear nightmare, Pacey, welcome to the world of not being coddled and having an actual goal in your life," Joey said.
"I don't have a goal, I just don't want people thinking I'm stupid."
"That is actually a goal, Pace," she said.
"Thanks so much, Jo," Pacey said. He meant to hang up in a fit of pique and then he realized he could ask her about one of his biology problems.
At the end of second week of matriculating in Maine, Kaleelah invited him to a party. "Don't worry, you won't break curfew."
"I don't even know if I have a curfew," he said. "I'll have to check."
"Your parents don't give you a curfew?" She looked vaguely bored.
"I live with my sister this year, not with my parents," he said.
"I'm sorry, did something happen to them?"
"No, they just don't like me very much," he said, trying for the light tone and humorous banter he used when discussing this back in Capeside, except for with Dawson.
"That's so weird," Kaleelah said. Her face was a picture of confusion. If he'd been forced to take an art class, that's how he would draw a confused face, he thought. Just her expression.
"Well, they're fine back in Capeside and my options were apparently my sister or military school and I wanted to grow my hair long, so my sister won. She's like, twenty-eight, so she can handle a little responsibility," he said. He wanted her to stop looking confused. What kind of naive girl didn't get that some parents didn't give a crap about their kids?
"Okay, well, um, you should come to the party," she said, giving him a slip of paper with the address on it. "I can pick you up, in my car, around eight or something."
"That would be awesome," he said. He passed back the paper with his address after writing his address on it. His new address, he had that one memorized.
"I don't get why your parents wouldn't like you," she said, softly.
"I've heard the reasons a few times over the years," Pacey said. "I don't really get it either."
As he told his shrink, he got it completely. He was the worthless screw up. Paula called him the scapegoat but it didn't seem accurate. He really had screwed up all the time back in Capeside. He was trying really hard to not do the same to Paula. It was exhausting.
"Maybe they're just wrong," his shrink said. "Kids screw up. All kids."
"You've never met Doug Witter," Pacey said.
Kaleelah drove him to the party. She looked extra pretty, he assumed it was some subtle makeup trick he would never understand. All he'd done was put on new jeans and a sweater Paula said made him look nice. He'd looked at his hair and wondered if there was anything to do. There really wasn't.
He actually knew people at the party, it was a pretty big group but the guy who sat next to him in Biology said hi and gave him a beer, two girls from his Geometry class tried to explain to him how to play quarters, he had another beer and then he looked for Kaleelah.
She was sitting in a window seat, sipping a beer. He sat down next to her and said, "How's it going?"
"I am the only black girl at this party. I am always the only black girl at these parties," she said.
He nodded and said, "I have no idea what that's like, seriously. I don't know why I nodded."
"My family has been in Maine for over two hundred years. More than some of these motherfuckers, but everyone always asks when we moved here. Was it from Detroit? Do I sound like I'm from Detroit?"
"I don't know what people from Detroit sound like. You definitely have a Maine-ish accent, though," Pacey said.
"Pasha, you have a Canadian accent, has anyone ever told you that?"
"It's not Canadian, it's the Cape. People think we all sound like we're from Boston, but we really don't. We have our own accent," he said. "My sister Kerry got super into genealogy when I was a kid and it was such a bust. There are no notable Witters. No notable nobody on either side of the family. We, like, dug ditches, unloaded boats. We never did nothing that got us recorded in history. It was hilarious because she was so stoked, so sure she was gonna find out we were special. We are not. Both my grandparents were fishermen. They depleted that fucking ocean all around Massachusetts. So my dad's dad told him to get a job with the government because that would never go extinct. Now he's a Sheriff," Pacey said.
"She really thought you'd be kings or something?"
"At least a Congressman," Pacey said. "I could have told her not to get her hopes up. Luckily her loser husband has a much more prominent family so that made up for it. Her kids will have better."
Kaleelah leaned her head against his shoulder. Her hand was suddenly rubbing up and down the inside of his thigh. He said, "Have you had a lot of beers? I had a whole test they gave me at the free clinic, and if you're very drunk -"
"First beer," she said, holding up the beer she'd just finished. "I was at another party a month ago and found out my dipshit boyfriend was literally having sex with another girl upstairs. It wasn't at this house, but at that house, upstairs."
"What an idiot," Pacey said. "No way she was prettier than you. Or smarter. I bet your boyfriend would never have a chance at Stanford. Hopefully ex-boyfriend."
"Yup, I dumped him," she said. "Now I'm putting myself out there. Hitting on a sophomore."
"When's your birthday?"
She told him. He said, "You are seven months older than me, okay?"
"You've convinced me, let's go upstairs," she said. She grabbed his hand and dragged him deeper into the house. "Except in this house, it's not upstairs, it's the bathroom. And I think he was super gross and put out condoms for people in the bathroom."
"I feel like that's inviting people to leave used condoms in that bathroom."
She pressed up close to him and he was getting hard. "Let's not do that," she said.
They went into the bathroom and closed the door. He lifted her up onto the counter and she wrapped one leg around him. She kissed him and kissed him and he held her shoulders so she could get closer. In his head he was saying fuck fuck fuck but he was going to be more careful than that.
She pressed her hand against his crotch and felt him up. "That's nice," she said.
"Good, good," he said. He reached behind her to grab a condom and opened the package.
She leaned back and looked at him, her mouth open.
"Nuh uh, that's not what I have in store. They have some very educational pamphlets at the free clinic about being safe in all activities," he said.
"Are you mentioning that so I know you're not a virgin? Cause I guessed that," she said.
He pushed her legs together so he could unzip her jeans and pull them down just to her thighs. She was breathing heavily. He clipped the base of the condom so he could stretch it over his thumb and first two fingers. Then he reached down between her legs, she was already wet and open. He'd gotten good at this, he could make her come with his fingers. He kissed her and she arched back away from him as his fingers were inside her. He kissed her neck and felt her speeding pulse under his lips. She came, clenching around his fingers and she was so fucking beautiful.
She was panting a little as he pulled his hand out and threw out the fingerbang condom in the garbage can. "Oh, wow, do not look in that garbage can."
"Are you going to be upset if I give you handjob with my bare hands?" She was already unzipping his jeans and reaching for his dick.
"Why would I be upset?"
He'd gotten one handjob in his whole life, from Tammy before they first had sex. After that she didn't do it which was heartbreaking because Kaleelah was making him see stars. As he started to get close, she reached for some tissue, when he came it didn't get everywhere which was really a blessing. Better than he'd ever done jerking off at home. He was trying to think and he couldn't keep his hands off her. He said, "That towel looks, man, other people have been in this bathroom doing what we did and I don't want that near my body."
"Tissues," she said, waving a few in the air. She had this glorious smile.
He felt like a fizzy drink as she led him out of the party. "I'm gonna take you home."
"My sister says my curfew is midnight, so this is good timing," Pacey said. "Did, um, did you still want to get together on Sunday to go study? No pressure."
"Yes, of course, I do," Kaleelah said. "We can meet at the library and sit very chastely. Then we'll sit in my car and be much less chaste."
"I like a woman who uses the word chaste. It's a good word," he said. "Not necessarily a state to which I aspire, but great word."
"You're silly post-orgasm," Kaleelah said.
"Yes, I am," he said. "I like being silly that way."
They did actually study on Sunday. But she was absolutely his girlfriend. "She said so first," Pacey told Dawson. "We hung out at her locker this morning and after school. Before I went to debate."
Dawson laughed. "You have debate, that is awesome, man. What are you debating these days?"
"I'm JV debate, man, I help the actual team practice by being a easy win. The topic is the death penalty, some days I'm for and some against."
"Where are you really?" Dawson sounded interested.
"I think I'm against, I mean, very few countries use the death penalty and the ones that do aren't exactly the kind of friends you want to be claiming. A lot of the arguments for the death penalty aren't very strong to my mind," Pacey said. "How about you?"
"Huh, I'm going to say against, too," Dawson said. "Too many chances to make a mistake, and then you're killing someone who doesn't even deserve it. And I do think people have the capacity to change. Maybe not change enough to make up for murdering someone, but change nevertheless," Dawson said.
"We are having a very deep intellectual conversation here, so I think it's time for you to tell me all about Jen's titties," Pacey said.
"I would never refer to them as titties," Dawson said. "And they are perfect. Her breasts. Which, if you repeat this I will kill you, but I have seen naked, held in my hands and even graced with a kiss."
"One kiss?"
"More than that, but that's all I'm saying."
"So which base would you say you've reached?" Pacey was smiling, sitting back on his bed.
"Actually," Dawson said. "I've already rounded them all."
"My man, how long into this conversation have you been waiting to say that?"
"Since Saturday night," Dawson said. "But it seemed wrong to call just to announce something, not wrong but definitely vulgar," Dawson said.
"Yes, because calling me ten minutes after to say no longer a virgin or scream it in my ear, that's vulgar," Pacey said. "Waiting through me telling you my news, that's just wrong."
"Do not say a word to Joey," Dawson said.
"You should tell Joey," Pacey said. "I know she's over you and she is totally over you, but you're best friends and there's been a lot of weirdness around that relationship. If you really want to be her best friend and soulmate, you need to tell her. No details, no positions, but just let her know."
"I hear your advice," Dawson said.
"You will be ignoring it," Pacey said. "Got it."
Tuesday Kaleelah came over to Pacey's place. They actually did study and Pacey made sure to finish all his homework before he pulled her into his bedroom. Kaleelah said, "Now we go all the way?"
"Only if you want to," Pacey said. "I really liked that handjob."
She grinned. "Oh, we can do more, we can do a lot more."
They did have sex, and Pacey did get another amazing handjob. Then they used Pacey's conveniently attached bathroom to clean up and they both got dressed. They ended up sitting across from each other on Pacey's bed, staring and smiling at each other. She said, "Seriously, why did your parents send you up here?"
"Seriously, they don't like me," Pacey said.
"They put up with you for a long time," she said.
"They were particularly upset with me," he said. "They hated my girlfriend."
"Was she black? Do you have a type?" Kaleelah was not smiling.
"Nope, she was, she is white. She's also thirty-five and my english teacher. She was my english teacher," Pacey said.
"That's gross," Kaleelah said.
"It's not, I wanted to be with her, I made all the moves on her," Pacey said.
Kaleelah clasped her hands in her lap. "But she didn't stop you. She dated you, had sex with you. My dad would shoot any thirty-five year old teacher who let me kiss him."
"It's a different dynamic with boys and girls," Pacey said. "She wasn't abusing me. My parents were mad at me because I ruined her life and if it got out, people would make it all over the news, like some trend piece about teachers fucking their students and I'd ruin the family. So they were going to send me to military school, but Paula stepped in and took me."
"You're wrong and they're insane," Kaleelah said.
"So you're dumping me now?"
"No." Kaleelah rolled her eyes. She leaned over and kissed him, grabbed the collar of his t-shirt. "I'm not dumping you. But your parents and your so-called girlfriend, they're fucked up. And if you don't want to hear me say that, we shouldn't talk about it."
"Promise," Pacey said.
"We are not allowed back to partake of the traditional Witter Thanksgiving feast," Pacey said to Paula.
"No, but you've had the traditional Witter Thanksgiving feast so I didn't think you'd be that bothered," Paula said. "They're not going to shoot us at the door, but Mom hasn't invited either of us, so who knows, maybe Doug will wave his gun around."
Thanksgiving was a week away. Pacey poked at his dinner, hoping it would speak for him. The squash and pork chops decided to remain mute. He said, "I don't like it, but I usually leave early and get Thanksgiving at Dawson's. Then me and Dawson go to Joey's and have Friday brunch that Bodie makes."
"Sorry," Paula said, getting up from the table. She'd already finished her tiny pork chop and spoonful of squash. "Remember, they suck, not you. And I'm sure your friends miss you. You guys talk on the phone all the time."
"It's not the same," Pacey mumbled.
He did call all three of them on or around Thanksgiving day. Joey said she was grateful he wasn't going to take all the pancakes Bodie made for once. "Sure you can't mail some to me?"
"They don't travel well, Pacey," Joey said, her voice something like kind. If he read into it a lot.
Paula cooked a turkey breast, made stuffing and green beans, while Pacey did the not as difficult to make as his mother implied mashed potatoes. At home they had oysters but Paula never liked them and Pacey didn't like them enough to insist. They watched football on the couch and ate store bought pumpkin pie. "Everything better than Mom makes," Pacey said. He patted Paula's shoulder because she seemed down all the time lately and he didn't want her to add Thanksgiving was a failure to whatever list she kept in her head.
They still went to yoga in way too early in the morning on Friday and then Pacey went straight back to sleep. Paula woke him up by pounding on his door and then coming in his room and pounding on it from the other side.
"Woman, let me sleep," Pacey said.
"Nope, it's shopping time. I have some money, Dad sent you some money, there are massive sales, let's get to the mall and buy things."
"At seven in the morning?"
"Kiddo, I let you sleep until nine am. Get dressed and let's go," Paula said.
The Black Friday sales were pretty good but while Pacey could go with the flow with the crowds crowding them constantly, Paula obviously hated it. Still she pushed them into store after store. "Gifts for the siblings, our nieces, your friends here in Maine -"
"That would be Kaleelah," Pacey said.
"Gifts for your friends in Capeside," Paula said.
"All three of them, sure." He watched Paula flip through the super bargain clearance rack looking for a sweater for Mom. It hit him in the gut and he said it out loud, "We're not going for home for Christmas, either. Not even for a day." He heard his voice break and rubbed at his face quick before anyone saw him reacting and having emotions.
Paula sighed again and turned back to him. She was holding a hideous blue puffy cardigan, which actually did look like something his mother would wear. Then Paula was hugging him right in the middle of the aisle. "Baby boy, I told you, they suck. They're assholes. You're good company and you're a good person."
He meant to lie that he was just upset about Dawson, Joey, and Jen. It would have been super convincing since he and Dawson and Joey had all sorts of regular traditions relating to Christmas, Christmas parties, New Year's, food, snowballs and acceptable targets. But he really just wanted to be able to go home. He wanted to go home.
Paula squeezed his chest and then let go. Despite the yoga, she was not strong. She said, "What do you want to get Kaleelah? Girlfriend gifts are tricky. No clothes because she won't like it, no beauty products because you don't know her well enough, no jewelry because again, you don't know her well enough. No music, because there's too many landmines. And you like crappy classic rock."
"It's not crappy," Pacey said. "Is a book okay? Can I still get her a book?"
"What book are you think about?"
"She's going to go to Stanford, I thought maybe something about Stanford?"
"Okay, but we have to go to better book store than any of the ones here," Paula said.
"I can get something for Joey, too," Pacey said.
Doug actually called on Christmas Eve. He said he hoped they both had a great holiday. "Your presents haven't arrived yet," Pacey said. "It's the weirdest thing."
Doug sighed. "You always complain about whatever gifts I get you."
"Well, you cut that off," Pacey said. "Enjoy the gifts Paula and I sent or just complain about them, whatever."
He passed the message on to Paula and she just rolled her eyes. She sat down next to him on the couch. She said, "You're killing my bank account even with the pittance Dad sends, but I do like having you here."
"You're so expressive," Pacey said. "Kaleelah invited me over to dinner Sunday. To meet the parents, I guess?"
"Don't forget to get a host gift, like flowers, or candies. What do you think they'd like?" Paula sat up and started looking around. "You didn't tell me in time."
"Don't freak out," Pacey said. "I got those chi chi chocolates from the Leerys."
"Good, good," she said, sitting back. "And don't be a dick."
Joey called in the morning. She told him to sit down, she had fantastic news. Pacey already knew it wasn't anything about Dawson because he knew Dawson was still dating Jen. Joey said, "I'm going to France."
"That's amazing," Pacey said.
"I think I am," Joey said.
"Why wouldn't you? Don't be an idiot. When are you going to get a chance to get out of Capeside? It's not like Bessie's gonna eject you from the family home for sleeping with a teacher."
Joey laughed harshly. "But am I just going to get away from Dawson? I don't know. I don't know if I want to get away from him, really. I'm even friends with Jen, really."
"Not going because you only want to go because of a boyfriend is just as stupid as not going because you had a boyfriend that made you want to stay here," Pacey said.
"That wasn't just a double negative, that was like a quintuple negative and therefore meaningless," Joey said. "But your badly expressed point is taken."
"I'll buy one of those international cards and I will absolutely call every week," Pacey said. "You can talk French to me, I bet it's sexy."
"Nothing I would ever say to you would be sexy," Joey said.
"I'm really impressed by your achievement," Pacey said.
"I almost think you mean it," Joey said.
He tried to get out of the whole dinner thing. He could not stress enough to her what a horrible idea it was. "Dads don't like me, in general. Except for Mr. Leery and he knew me when I was five years old and the cuteness overwhelmed the bad parts."
"What bad parts when you were five?" Kaleelah frowned. "You know you have fucked up low self-esteem, right? My parents will like you fine. Don't mention the teacher, though, okay?"
"Or the sex in general, right?" He smiled at her. "I know enough to know no one likes that."
When Kaleelah's parents answered the door together, he was already intimidated. His parents didn't do anything together except disapprove of him. And fawn over Doug. He handed over the chocolates. "Here," he said. "Thank you for inviting me." It came out like a speech he'd memorized and still wasn't sure of.
"You must be Pacey," Kaleelah's mom said. She led Pacey into the dining room. "Sit, dinner will be in a few minutes."
"Am I late?" Pacey wiped his hands on his nice pants. Paula had made him wear them.
Kaleelah came in and sat down next to him. "You're right on time, don't worry. You look like you're about to be shot."
"No, I look totally different when I'm about to be shot," Pacey said. "Doug's pulled his gun on me before."
"Your brother?" Kaleelah looked appalled. "Let's stop with that story right now."
"I was just kidding," Pacey said. "Frivolity is my middle name."
"I know you weren't kidding," Kaleelah said.
Dinner was really good, actually. Kaleelah's parents talked about their work and Pacey made witty remarks that didn't involve admitting anything about his own parents. Kaleelah's dad said to Pacey, "So are you staying through next year?"
"No, I don't think so," Pacey said. "I wouldn't mind, I'm kind of enjoying living in the big city."
"How tiny is Creekside that you think you're living in the big city?"
"Population 16,000," Pacey said. "Wait, I left, population 15,999. But there's a ton of tiny towns like ours up and down the Cape so it's like a string of little dots, unless it's summer and then it's a string of big fat dots, swollen by tourists."
"Such poetic language," Kaleelah said. "All his friends talk like that, too. Or at least they write letters like that."
"It's not poetry, it's more like a swallowed thesaurus, regurgitated back at random," Pacey said. "I blame boredom."
"Tiny dots and fat dots is not impressive," Kaleelah said. She smiled at him, though.
When dinner was over, she walked him to the door. "You did okay," she said. "Thanks for not bringing up how awful your family is."
"Because I should be embarrassed," Pacey said, feeling it out. He was embarrassed, but he felt like it was about what he deserved. That was where he came from, the loins from which he'd sprung.
"God, no, you shouldn't be embarrassed," Kaleelah said. She kissed his cheek, standing on her tiptoes. "They should be, they should be ashamed for treating you like crap."
"The consensus in Capeside disagrees with you," Pacey said.
"Those people are small town crackers," Kaleelah said. "Fuck them."
He was only okay at basketball, even when Kaleelah was watching his games. He tried out for hockey which he was actually good at it, but then again, everyone else was good in Maine, so he only made the jv team. "So now it's two sports, two after school activities, two languages," Paula said. "Don't work too hard. Enjoy all this."
"I love being so far away from my real friends," Pacey said. "Joey is a whole ocean away from me, now."
"She counts as your real friend? You don't usually talk about her that way."
"Absence makes the heart grow much much fonder," Pacey said. "Don't worry, I bought one of those international long distance cards to call her, you're not paying."
"Except I pay your allowance," Paula said. "Thank God, I got a raise."
"Why didn't you tell me? We could have celebrated," Pacey said.
"I felt embarrassed," Paula said. "Because that's how Mom always makes me feel about accomplishments."
"You blame our parents for a lot," Pacey said. "I've definitely noticed that." He patted her head. "I've come around to your perspective, I think."
It turned out if Pacey got up early every day like his sister was dragging him to yoga, it was a good time to talk to Joey. So they were talking twice a week. He wasn't sure they'd ever done that in Capeside, and not at length or depth. She said she felt like she was going to come home and everyone would be different and she'd still be Joey. He said he felt the same way. He also said he thought probably Dawson and Jen would find better friends. "Thank God you went to Paris," he said. "I'll still have you."
"We can be pathetic out of place alienated from our hometown losers together," Joey said. "In just a few short months."
He talked to Jen and Dawson all the time, too. He made some friends at school, he had some qualities as a human being that allowed other people to tolerate him. But the ones at school all felt temporary. Except for Kaleelah.
She came over in the afternoon with books to study. "You're all caught up now, aren't you?"
"I guess," Pacey said. "Doesn't seem real to me."
"Yes, I know, your self esteem is non-existent. But you are smart and you are caught up and I don't date idiots," she said.
They did actually finish their homework before they had sex on his bed in a very safe and consensual manner. She showered and got dressed and kissed him goodbye. He got in the shower himself and blessed the world that made him a teenage boy with a super hot girlfriend he could think about while jerking off in the shower.
He got dressed in his pajamas and realized he'd left his door slightly open. He listened for a moment and heard Paula moving around. He was about to go out when the doorbell rang. For some reason he couldn't place, Pacey sank down on his butt, against the wall. Listening.
Paula opened the door and said, "You."
"So I guess you recognize me." It was Tammy. Tamara. He looked through the crack in the door. She was in tight jeans and a tight sweater. She still had a great body. He couldn't bring himself to move.
Paula said, "You're going to leave now."
"I want to see Pacey."
"You're not going to see Pacey," Paula said.
"You know he wants to see me," Tammy said.
"Oh, I bet you think that. But my dad, who sucks, is still a decent detective. He found the other boys you dated. The other two fifteen year olds," Paula said.
Pacey didn't make a sound but it felt like wind rushing in his hair. She'd said she loved him.
"Pacey is special," Tammy said.
"He is," Paula said. "I'm going to close this door and if I ever see you anywhere near my baby brother, I'm going to show you one of the skills my father insisted all his daughters have. Knowing what to do with a gun. I own one, too. And I've had years to plan a murder. I'll do you, you seem worth it. See, I'm on antidepressants and I'm almost positive even if I get caught, I can use some of that awful mental illness stigma to get off with almost no punishment. I feel like I'm talking too much. Do I sound manic?"
"Fine," Tammy said. "Fine."
The door slammed. Pacey could see the set of Paula's shoulders, she was breathing heavily.
Pacey tried to breathe. It wasn't the easiest. He got on his bed and stared up at his ceiling. He could feel all those damn shrink sessions dropping on his chest, pushing down his ribs. He heard Joey like she was sitting right next to him telling him his relationship was bullshit.
He was crying. He literally cried himself to sleep. He knew better than to tell Kaleelah, and he never mentioned it to Paula. Though he appreciated what she'd done. He didn't tell Dawson or Jen, either.
Besides his shrink, he only told Joey. "It was just weird," he said.
"I guess," Joey said. "If weird is your way of saying she's exactly what everyone but you thought she was."
"What I need to hear is I told you so," Pacey said.
"It's just so satisfying to say," Joey said. "Plus, I know you're hurting, but you know whose fault it is? Miss Jacobs. She abused you. You just wanted it to be something more. Love sucks."
"You don't think it was love," Pacey said.
"You do," Joey said. "Hell, what do I know? The only love I know for sure is Bessie and Bodie."
"Oh, yeah, that's a good example, though. They seem to have their shit together," Pacey said.
"I know, it's galling," Joey said. "It's so unfair, whenever I try to be cynical, there they are, being in love, not cheating, treating each other with respect, raising their child. I don't want that dose of possible reality."
"Do you think we'll ever have that?"
"Maybe me," Joey said. "Not you."
"I can't remember why I called you," Pacey said. But he was smiling.
His shrink annoyed the hell out of him, but Pacey tried to listen. He was supposed to be open. The guy kept trying to get Pacey to call his parents abusive. He barely called Tammy that.
"There is value to admitting what you has happened to you is not right," his shrink said.
At least he had his five million activities. Between yoga, hockey, the tail end of basketball season, debate, lit mag, homework, and his wonderful girlfriend. His wonderful girlfriend had clearly decided not to question what was wrong with him and wait for him to smarten up and enjoy everything he had.
He thought about it at weird times. He'd be in yoga, finally finding a good form for downward dog according to the smelly instructor, and he'd think about Tamara. He'd think about the fact that despite what she'd said, she'd dated other boys his age, before him, after she turned thirty-four. He wasn't special for seducing her. That wasn't exactly new information, though Pacey was pretty sure his therapist was going to somehow find out Pacey had been thinking bad things about himself and he'd be stuck listening to someone tell him he was actually not a loser.
Pacey loved the hockey. He got battered around a little bit, took a check to the head but that's what they made helmets for. Still, he was sitting in the locker room, trying to decide if the blood on his face made him look sexy or like he'd been mugged. Kaleelah came in and said, "I don't get hockey."
"It's fun, it's fast, it's brutal, it's art on ice," Pacey said.
"I see the brutal part," Kaleelah said. She held an icy washcloth to his face and cleaned him up. "Pretty white sport."
"Sadly, yes," Pacey said. "Things change slowly, but there's some great not white players and there'll be more. I mean, what else are you gonna do if you love being on the ice? Ice dance?"
"Ice dance is hard," Kaleelah said. "My mom is totally into figure skating."
"It's not super manly," Pacey said.
"They have great bodies, though, great asses, muscular lean arms," Kaleelah said. "You in a good mood again?"
"Of course," Pacey said.
"You've been lost in your head a little bit," Kaleelah said. "Are you thinking about how your parents are taking you back next year?"
"I wasn't, but I am now," Pacey said. "But I think that works out for you, the last thing you want is some high school boyfriend dragging you down as you forge ahead to Harvard, or Princeton. Or Yale."
"I'm going to Howard," Kaleelah said. "It's a HBCU. Black university. I've spent my whole life in this place where I'm almost always the only black girl. Fuck that, I'm going to Howard."
"Where is Howard?"
"Washington, D.C.," Kaleelah said. "Where are you going to college?"
He opened his mouth and she put her fingers over his lips. "If you dare say nowhere after all this studying and me helping you with your stupid debate and lit magazine, we will break the fuck up right now."
"Why yes, beautiful lady, I am going to college. Somewhere in Boston, probably. How's that?"
"Good," Kaleelah said. She kissed his lips. "Promise sealed."
He talked to Jen and Dawson and Joey once a week now. Jen was the second one he confessed the Tamara thing to. She said, "Okay. Shitty people are shitty."
"Am I the shitty one?"
"Not in the slightest," Jen said. "It's the biggest mystical trick shitty people pull off, they make you think you're the shitty one and they're being nice to you. More than you deserve. But that's a trick. It's chicanery."
"You saw that a lot in New York City?"
"Rich people can indulge in their shittiness more. And I knew a lot of shitty people. Mostly men," Jen said. "Live and learn, Pacey, we live and learn."
"My shrink is so boring, why can't he be pretty like you?"
"Cause you'd never learn, and then you couldn't live and you'd die," Jen said, laughing.
One Friday night, he was sitting with Paula on the couch, watching some old movie she'd rented. He said, "Maybe I could stay here."
"You don't really want to," Paula said. "You're sweet, but you don't really want to."
"Maybe I do. You're a good parent," Pacey said.
Paula almost smiled. "I'm not a parent. I just treat you like a person which makes me seem better than Mom and Dad." She sighed. "Besides, I already heard from Dad. After school ends, he's sending you to some Christian summer camp."
"Since when are we into being Christian?" Pacey sat up and glared at the screen.
"We're not, Dad wants to look good," Paula said.
"I don't want to," Pacey said.
"If you don't go, if you try to stay here, Dad won't send me money for you. I can't afford you," Paula said. "Plus, I'm a crappy parent. I never want kids. You're about all I can handle."
"This sucks," Pacey said.
"It's a good movie," Paula said. She patted his back.
He told Kaleelah, "I don't know how to do this. We're breaking up but not because I was a colossal idiot and let you get away."
"It means we part as friends," Kaleelah said. "How are your grades?"
"Fantastic," Pacey said. "Tha-"
"Don't you even," Kaleelah said. "You did this. All of this. This is you, Pacey Witter, minus your stupid town and awful parents. You're so smart, sweetie." She kissed him and squeezed his butt.
People kept saying they'd miss him. It was weird. "Pacey, just accept it, you're not a complete loser," Joey said to him over the phone.
"I do not accept it, you can't convince me," Pacey said. "I look forward to seeing you. I'm lying, of course."
Pacey left Maine and didn't cry once. He kept his eyes closed at the road went by on his stupid Greyhound bus. There would be a special bus for him at the station to take him to Jesus Doesn't Like You To Fuck Camp.
The camp was outdoors, so that was nice. It was the only nice thing about the camp. He was only allowed one hour of phone calls a week. One of the counselors stood there and listened to his part of the conversation, like hearing about Jen and Dawson's double date with someone named Andie and her brother Jack, Jock? Joe? Was going to turn Pacey gay. Or a sinning fellow who screwed older women. He should be screwing no one until sealed by the chains of holy matrimony.
Most of Pacey's fellow inmates were in for not liking the "right" people. Pacey was a rarity who'd only had sex with some older woman. Almost all of his bunkmates were trying pray away being gay. Pacey might have made jokes about soap on a rope on the showers, but nearly all the guys were so desperately unhappy he might have let them have at it with his butt. Plus, they were never allowed to shower together. They showered alone and had to be dressed in bed or out and about. No swimming just with boys, they had to swim with the girls. Most of the girls weren't the least bit interested, of course, they just wanted to be with each other.
Pacey realized one of the counselors was not very bright and hadn't read much besides the Bible. He tried to have coded movie conversations with Dawson, but he still got glares. The place was straight up hell. He couldn't believe the things people did to their children sometimes.
One day he was sitting at lunch, at least two seats away from any other boys, trying to keep up with his German and Russian and literature. Capeside High only had German so when he was finally allowed to go back to his actual home, Pacey would have to find some way to keep up his Russian. He was thinking of foreign movies, maybe he could translate for Dawson.
A pretty blonde girl sat down next to him. "You don't seem gay," she said.
"Hi, my actual name is Pacey," he said.
"My actual name is Alison, everyone calls me Allie. Seriously, guys are here because they're gay, girls are here because they're lesbos, but you don't fit. Do you think you're a woman? You'd be an attractive woman," she said.
"No," Pacey said. "I am here for fornicating with an older woman without being married. I take it you're a homosexual?"
"I think I would be a lesbian, thank you very much. But I'm not, I'm bisexual. I got caught with my girlfriend, my parents didn't know about my boyfriend," she said. "Which is why I had this idea."
"Idea?"
"They would probably send us home if we got caught being bad boys and girls - but it's a success if we're caught having sex heterosexually," Allie said. "You're attractive. You might be attracted to me?"
"You are pretty," Pacey said. "You think they'd send us home?"
"One of the fine ladies in my bunk is a repeat camper. She said last year one of the girls got sent home for having sex with one of the boy counselors. Counselor was reassigned, girl was sent home. But they were a little proud of her," Allie said. She did have a winning smile.
"But they know why I'm here, there's no surprise if I have sex with a girl. I'm not a success."
"Yeah, but it's just sex before marriage. I think I can get us sent home, my friend," she said. She smiled again. "Wouldn't it be nice?"
"It would be," Pacey said. "But how about we just make out? I don't want to push to sex without actually knowing you."
"I am a little slutty," Allie said. "But sure."
Actually Allie was fun to be around. When she wasn't trying to fuck him so a counselor could see them, she was full of funny tales. She lived in a tiny town in New York that was not a major tourist destination so they had very different small town experiences, hers unleavened by people from the outside world. "But also, no one tries to tell you that if you're bad, you'll ruin the economic support of the whole town, all those jobs lost because you fell in love. I've heard that one," Pacey said. "Maybe I didn't fall in love, I don't know."
"I gotta say, that sounds more like your family problem than something that centered around your tiny town. I'm pretty sure there are some non-shitty parents who aren't pulling that one out to make their kids feel bad," Allie said.
"Why does it always come to the parents with people? It's too much Freud, it's not always the id and the ego, you know?"
"I know I don't have penis envy," Allie said. "Let's fuck, please."
"Fine, fine," Pacey said.
Allie was fun to have sex with, though. She liked sex, which was nice. He liked sex that was actually casual, actually about the joy of the act, the naughty fun of skin against skin, without all the weight.
It took a long time for them to be caught, at least two weeks.
Like Allie predicted, getting caught having girl on boy sex meant you got to go home. Girl on girl, boy on boy and you had to stay even longer. It was disgusting. He said as much to Dawson when he got a phone call while waiting for his father to pick him up. "This place is cruel, man."
"I agree," Dawson said. "Of course I agree."
"Even though Spielberg hasn't made a movie about homosexuality?"
"We're watching the Color Purple again when you get home," Dawson said. "When we're both home."
"I remember nothing about that movie," Pacey said.
"It's pretty good," Dawson said. "I think Oprah Winfrey is surprisingly good in her role."
"You should pass that on to her," Pacey said.
"I'm not in Chicago right now and I don't think she even lives here now. She's astronomically wealthy, I think she lives in some massive mansion in California, when she's not in Chicago," Dawson said.
"When you're famous," Pacey said.
"Ha," Dawson said. "Thank you for your confidence. I have to admit, I'm looking forward to seeing this new improved Pacey with the Joey Potter grades and jock cred."
"Yeah, that's me," Pacey said.
It was him, though. He hated that. He was weirdly proud of it. He had a lot of conflicting feelings and no shrink appointments coming up. No more shrinks, ever, probably, since he'd back in the Witter house, which unlike Paula's, had no truck with shrinks or yoga.
His parents, neither of them, couldn't be bothered to come pick him up. Instead he got Dougie. Pacey got in the car already pissed off, but resigned to it.
"Dad and Mom are on vacation, you can't expect them to come home from their first vacation in years because you once again screwed up," Dougie said.
Pacey debated the comeback about how Dougie would have found plenty of friends at the camp, but then he was thinking of his sad bunkmates and it wasn't very funny. He said, "There was no up, just screwing."
"You haven't grown up one bit, have you?" Dougie sounded genuinely upset.
"Not to you or the parents, apparently," Pacey said.
They didn't talk the rest of the trip. Pacey was finally back in Capeside, back in his own damn home. It wasn't impressive and he didn't feel very moved. He had a whole bunch of feelings when he actually stepped into his room and found all his furniture gone and just boxes and bags he'd sent back from Maine that he wouldn't need when he was in camp. They'd stripped his tiny room for parts and never even bothered to get anything else.
He thought about punching someone but no one was home. Also, his shrink had said violence was a bad solution. It was a satisfying one, though.
Pacey retrieved his bed from the basement but he only took the mattress, which he put on the floor. He went through every other room and took back his desk, bookcase, and side tables. He emptied out the new contents his family had decided to use his stuff for. Books and clothes on the floor, fuck them, he thought. He didn't care who thought he should clean up.
But then he heard someone come in. He pulled himself up to his full height and clenched his fists.
"Don't beat me up, Pacey," Joey said as she stepped in. She was only half joking and he immediately unclenched everything. He didn't like scaring women. She smiled at him.
Then she took a few steps forward and he was hugged very fiercely by all one hundred pounds of Potter. He hugged her back because damn, it was nice to have someone who liked him around. Who knew that would be Joey?
"Your room looks like shit," she said. She stepped back and walked around his living room, idly picking up the books he'd emptied on the couch. She looked at two and stacked them on the floor where the bookcase had been.
"Yup," Pacey said. "The Witter family pillaged my room and since none of them are here, I took it all back."
"You're going to be in so much trouble when they get home," Joey said. She sounded amused, though.
"How long have you been home? Sorry I couldn't call from the Camp for the Sexually Wrong," Pacey said.
"A few days ago," Joey said. "You missed the parade and the lavish celebration. Streamers everywhere and there was even confetti."
"I hope you saved some," Pacey said. He and Joey walked back to his room, where Pacey started unpacking. "So France was awesome, right?"
"It's no Portland, Maine, but it has its amenities," Joey said. She grabbed the sheets and started making his bed. Or his mattress? Pacey wasn't sure about the appropriate term.
"Be honest, Potter," Pacey said.
The bed was made and Joey sat down on the bed. "It was incredible. Life changing. Every day was, like, how is this my life? I learned so much and it was also, being out of Capeside. It was such a revelation being out of Capeside. I don't think I can even convey it. I kept trying to tell people but I don't even have words. No words at all."
"Okay, that was a lot of words," Pacey said. He smiled at her as he unpacked his books.
"Is that an actual Russian textbook?"
"Da," Pacey said. "Capeside doesn't offer Russian and I tried to convince Dad to let me take a class at the community college but he said it was a waste of money."
"You wanted to take an additional class? Over and above your allotted classes? I know I shouldn't be shocked, I talked to you all the time, but I am still shocked," Joey said.
"I had this idea I would go to a decent college, like you, I'll probably need a scholarship. I keep hearing about we're all out of money after everyone else's college time," Pacey said. "Gretchen got the last of it, I guess."
"College will get us out of here," Joey said, fervently. "I've had my taste of freedom, I'm never giving up the dream."
"Is that a line from a movie?"
"Too cliche," Joey said. "It sounds so much better in French, trust me."
Pacey looked over his shoulder and smiled at her. "I believe you. Hey, so no dude in Paris compared to Dawson, huh?"
"Shut up, dumbass," Joey said. "It wasn't about comparing to Dawson, or any kind of comparison. I was too engaged with my own self and learning. So now I'm the lone virgin in the group, which is awesome."
"You hate sex," Pacey said. "You think it's repulsive how everyone's obsessed with it."
Joey balled up one of his shirts and threw it at him. Her aim remained abysmal. He caught it and folded it up, placing it in the drawer. Joey said, "Now you take care of your clothes?"
"My sister was a taskmaster," Pacey said. He flipped through the yoga book Paula had gotten him. He was definitely not going to find a place to go here in Capeside. He still held on to the dream of giving himself a blowjob. After half a summer at the Camp of We'll Tell You What a Bad Touch Is, he wondered if that was a little gay. Well, if it was, Pacey was okay with it. Any portion of gay was okay.
"So back to sex," he said.
"I don't think sex is repulsive," Joey said. "I'm allowed to grow and change, you know."
"Paris doesn't let you think that way for long, huh?"
"It wasn't Paris," Joey said.
He sat down next to her. He said, "It's the different place, though. Get out of here and see the world from a different view. It's so fucking frustrating how things you were so sure of are suddenly not the least bit clear because you're looking somewhere else."
"Yeah," Joey said. "It's even more frustrating when you're the one explaining it, Pace."
"I completely agree," Pacey said. "This is gonna be a neato school year, isn't it?"
Joey just smiled at him and oddly, leaned into him.