Looking back now, he really should have known from the very first e-mail.
From: Lizzie Bennet
To: me
Date: October 25, 2019
Subject: I'm so sorry
Dearest Mr. Darcy,
I apologize most sincerely for the recent misbehavior of my family. I'm sure they didn't mean it. Lydia is a nice girl and really won't be so improper most of the time. I miss you very much and wish you would come home to me and not leave me or break my heart. Your forgiveness means the world to me. My family is as sorry as I am. This e-mail is probably not necessary, but I'm sending it just in case. Don't forget me - ever.
With all my heart,
Lizzie/Elizabeth
He frowns when he reads it. He's a little confused, frankly. But he's all the way in bloody England now, and there's not really much he can do about it. He just hopes it's not some scam using a stock message to spread a virus.
She still remembers why he's here - right? He's not a heartless jerk who's going to use an inevitable trip as an excuse to leave her, and he likes to think she knows that.
Jet lag takes him before he figures it out, and he wakes up the next morning with all the lights on and his phone uncharged.
The second time he gets her e-mail, he starts to wonder if he should be replying instead of just texting his 'I love you's.' She was the one who insisted on texts instead of e-mails - who laughed at him for being old-fashioned enough to actually check his e-mail every two waking hours instead of once a year.
She still remembers that - right?
From: Lizzie Bennet
To: me
Date: November 2, 2019
Subject: You should read this one
So, Mr. Darcy,
You really should be answering me by now. Is everything we ever had so meaningless to you? I can't live without you. My family is ridiculous (except my sister Kitty). They don't know how important you are to me. I would move hell and high water to be at your side. Can you please come back? I'm not going to beg, seriously. I can't do this anymore! Come back, Darce face! My bedroom is always open for you. I will kill you if you ignore me this time.
Eliza/Lizzie
He finds his phone quickly this time - and forms and sends his message in the blink of an eye.
William: Is everything okay, Liz?
She replies almost immediately. Her odd hours are to his benefit today.
Liz: Yeah, totally. Did you read about another big accident near here? Because I'm okay. I promise.
He smiles, almost hearing her beside him.
William: I had a false alarm. I think I'm taking things too seriously these days. You're usually joking, right?
Liz: Almost 90% of everything I say.
They text for another hour, and he falls asleep with a smile this time.
He's in a cab when he receives the next one.
Even the lack of privacy doesn't keep his mouth from falling open.
From: Lizzie Bennet
To: me
Date: November 6, 2019
Subject: Please, please come back
My dear, most macho, most amazing, sexy boyfriend,
I need you so badly. There is nothing that can fill the whole in me life as well as you. I know men want women begging. I beg you now, pleeeeease. No one can satisfy me the way you do. You are my WHOLE WORLD.
I'm sorry if I never put out. I am a worthless prude. If I did put out, well then ignore that I said that.
My father was so stupid to let you go. My mother knew your true worth from the very start! The whole family misses you. We love you like our own!
My sweetest, most amazing superhero. I don't deserve you. You are the sun to my stars. You are everything I want. You and me fit like a sword and sheath, like a hand and glove and all that.
Please come back. I will spread my legs to celebrate. The family won't listen in I promise. Never forget me. I will never forget you.
Crying myself to death until you come back,
Your little Lizzie
Crappy metaphors aside, the message really had zero reasons to take seriously. For the remaining duration of his ride to the train station, his eyebrows can't rise any higher, nor his jaw grow any slacker.
Is this Liz's idea of a joke?
If it is - because it just can't be something serious - does she remotely expect something as funny and irreverent in return?
With the absolute ridiculousness of the last three e-mails, the stilted tone and formal phrasing of the fourth one catches him by surprise.
Did he date one Elizabeth - or four?
From: Lizzie Bennet
To: me
Date: November 11, 2019
Subject: A Promise
Dear Sir,
Kindly please pardon the degree of impropriety that my most recent letters contained. I assure you that I am sane of mind and merely distracted by the turn in recent events. I wish you well and refuse to lower myself with further insults to my own reason. My temporary lapse in wisdom is temporal to the furthest degree. If you must come, please do so with sanity of mind and body. My family, I promise, shall not interfere in your happiness.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
The formality of that closing puts to rest any potential alter ego theories he may have remotely entertained. Elizabeth Bennet the enduring spirit of a wronged dyslexic teenager doesn't actually exist.
William: So I've been getting these e-mails...
He texts without thinking. It's instinctive now. Every ring makes him turn to his phone regardless of location. Every notification sends his heart into unmanly flutters.
Liz: From all the vindictive teenagers you've squashed to get yourself to the top of the food chain?
He smiles, because she never fails to make him smile.
William: I knew I met you before.
Liz: Not as well as you do now (winking face)
He chuckles. She's given him grief more than once for his formality.
He's about to give her a taste of it now.
William: Good job, Liz, that's ALMOST a complete sentence.
Liz: So encouraging (thumbs up)
He shakes his head when he laughs. His headboard has a permanent imprint of the back of his head after all these weeks.
William: You are incorrigible.
Liz: But you love me anyway.
William: Yes, I do - very much.
He pictures her in his mind - smiling but still trying to hide her smile.
He groans audibly. The next few weeks can't get by fast enough.
Liz: Awwww, you always know just what to say, big boy.
He bites the inside of his cheek.
Then he braves it.
William: You make me the man I am (winking face)
The reply is instant.
Liz: *gasp* William Darcy, did you just use an EMOJI?!
He's lucky there aren't any witnesses to his sheepish smiles tonight.
William: You deserve to be my first.
Liz: Ah, there you go, back to full sentences.
William: There is nothing wrong with texting in proper English.
Liz: Yeah, there is.
William: See? Your latest text, however brief, is still technically a full sentence.
Liz: Oh yeah? (grinning face)
He's smiling even when he stretches and yawns.
William: Yeah (kissing face)
Liz: (kissing face)
He falls asleep happy - another day down before he flies home, to her.
Sure, she didn't admit anything.
But it's fun to share a secret.
A/N: I hope you're having fun! This bizarre AU came to me a few months ago and just WON'T LET MY MIND GO. It's just two chapters, so I promise I will post those last Armed Robbery chapters soon! Please let me know your thoughts on this one :)