Ssaundru lay alone on top of his bed. It is night time, but he doesn't quite want to sleep. He hates sleeping. But, the sleep creeps up to the edges of his mind, anyways. It never comes, though. It just hovers there, taunting him. Leaving him stuck on the blurred line that divides sleep and consciousness.
His mind does drift, however. Floating through the folds of his subconscious, trying to escape the limbo-like hell that it is trapped in. But such peace continues to escape him. It just leaves him to suffer another night alone and broke.
But it isn't all bad. This was one of the only moments of his life where he doesn't have to put up an act. His true emotions start to bleed through the mask that he had spent his whole life constructing. For there is no one there to hide it from. Not his friends, not his family, not his enemies.
Just himself in the dark where his thoughts can torture him freely.
During these hours, his thoughts could become quite delirious. Then again, he is quite delirious himself. He is thinking about things. Things he couldn't normally think about with other people around. He thinks about smiling...
Smiling was probably the only thing missing from his mask. Ssaundru could never smile right. Smiling hurt. Not physically... They just hurt. When he smiled, he felt like his soul was being ripped apart. He rakes his nails down his face, feeling the pain of not being able to preform such a simple task.
They always turn out mangled too. Broken looking... He hates this. It makes people think there is something wrong with him. There is, though. He is just too scared to admit it to himself.
Finally, the sleep falters and allows him to move his heavy limbs. But his mind is too far gone for him to retrieve it. Ssaundru shifts and moves his legs over the side of the bed. He lingers there for a moment, trying to clamp down on his wandering emotions. But they have wandered too far from home as well.
A tune drifts to into his ears from his radio on the nightstand. He doesn't remember turning on his radio, though.
"As I sit here alone
Just thinking about everything that you said
You know, since I'm alone
Well maybe after all I was better off dead."
A small thought drifts through his head, but Ssaundru manages to push it away. That would be hypocritical after all. Ssaundru had not allowed Pepper to take her own life, so in turn, he couldn't take his. It isn't his to take anyways.
"I bleed for the second time tonight
Holding the love that's in my mind
If only my love could with you.
If only this pain, this pain died too."
Ssaundru sits there for a few more moments, listening to the repeating chorus. Finally he gets up to turn the radio off and heads into the bathroom to get himself some sleeping pills.
He could think about these things tomorrow...