A/N: It's been so long since I've been on fanfiction...but here I am, with something new: my first Bleach fanfic, my first one-shot, and my first time writing in this style, in present tense. Well...I wonder how I did...?
In a Starless Night
A Bleach One-Shot
Summary: She had stood out there and cried on the night of her superior's death, and has done so on each rainy night afterwards. He sees her each night and pains that he cannot give her any comfort. When will he finally be the family that she's always longed for?
The night is cold,
The rain violently pours,
And the stars do not shine tonight.
• • • • •
He serenely strolls across the veranda with his eyes peacefully closed. He has walked this path countless times before; each creak and dent is memorized beneath his feet. The symphony of falling water drops plays beside him, its tune harmonious, yet a nuisance. But then, he hears an off tone, the one instrument playing a tad flat; he hears the sound of padding feet slowly making their way toward him, but he does not halt his strides.
"Rukia," he acknowledges.
"Nii-sama," she replies.
He does not instantly respond, nor does he question her mission or the blood on her uniform. He simply brushes past her without further conversation, saying as he walks off, "Get some rest."
She bows and at his retreating figure and says, "Hai, Nii-sama," but she disobeys that command. She continues walking, not to her room, not to put away her zanpakutō, not to change into her sleeping yukata, but to be alone. As she walks, she can feel her rain-soaked shihakushō weighing down on her, but her heart feels heavier. Always heavier.
She steps from the protection of the cover above her head and into the pelting rain she had been under only hours ago. Her raven locks cling to her face, but she does not push them away.
She follows a straight path. She does nothing to avoid the puddles, she does nothing to evade the mud; she walks through them, and does not care. The cold rain falls hard on her small body, but she does not shiver. The pain of her slowly numbing limbs is stinging, like salt on an open wound; but the pain of her heart is much deeper and much more piercing, like being impaled through the stomach. But she does not fight the pain; she feels its full force, and knows that she deserves it as punishment for her unforgivable sin.
She continues on towards that place where she can be alone, the far east wing of the manor, away from the servants, where the family resides. It is by her brother's room, but that does not bother her; even if he were not asleep, his icy heart would be too cold to care. And so, she sits by the pond and fights back the tears she promised herself to no longer shed.
Kuchiki Byakuya, however, is not deaf, nor is he naïve. He can hear her muffled sobs, and can see the sadness and guilt submerged in her eyes in just imagining their earlier encounter. But the captain of division six – though strong and powerful – can do nothing; as he steps from his room onto the veranda, he can do nothing. He does not follow her out into the rain. He does not pat her head and ruffle her hair. He does not put an arm around her, and tell her everything is going to be alright. No, he is the stoic head of the clan and the indifferent older brother; he can do nothing. And so, he does all that he can; he watches over her and waits until she cries herself to sleep, and when she does, he will go over to her and pick her up in his arms, and he will bring her to her room so she can wake up in a warm place.
• • • • •
She does not go to work the next morning. She spends the day alone, listening to the rain's sad song as she aimlessly wanders the Kuchiki mansion as if she's lost all purpose in life. And when night comes, she sits by the koi pond and holds that tattered blue cloth to her chest.
And he spends another night out there, watching over her like a brother, yet silent like a stranger. He suppresses the urge to call out her name and tell her to return to the shelter of the manor; he knows that she wishes to hide in her time of weakness, and he respects that. But at the same time, he worries; he expresses no outward emotion, but on the inside, he is worried. But he does not let that worry cost him a sleepless night - the only thing he would allow do that is his sister's tears - for he knows nothing will happen to her. She will be alright because he is there to protect her. He hadn't been able to shield her from that traumatizing experience, and he can do nothing to soothe the pain that ensued, so he will protect her in compensation for his weakness.
But as he stands there, he notices something strange; she does not move from her spot, yet her thin petite frame trembles with fierce violence. This bothers him, and he can feel the anxiety twisting at his innards, but he does not show it. He expresses impassivity, but he hastily dashes with distress over to her side.
He finds her unconscious, her shivering body curled up against the bridge post, and instinctively, he wraps his haori around her and takes her back to her room. But as he walks, he notices the blue cloth clutched tightly in her hand, and he frowns in disappointment and scowls with quiet anger; the disappointment arising because another man had had to be her brother when he had failed to do so, and anger because that very man had died and left her in the dark, under the rain, and without a shoulder to cry on. He never particularly liked that man, but after seeing his sister cry each night and cling onto the only thing she has left of him, he silently wishes that he was alive again. But Kuchiki Byakuya knows he is no magician; he cannot promise to make the dead live again. But as he takes her to her room and dries her off, and draws the blankets over her, he vows that he will be better. Next time, she will not be out there alone, crying to herself, because next time, he will be there by her side.
• • • • •
It is not the pounding rain that awakens her from her sleep, but the sound of chirping birds. As she takes a look around the room, she quickly realizes that she has been sleeping within the safety and warmth of the manor walls, not the danger and rain of the gardens outside. She notices the vacant mat by her bedside and smells the faint scent of something sweet, and instantly thinks of her brother; but that thought is quickly dismissed – she thinks it absurd – because she knows all too well that he would never sit by her side through the night, no matter how hurt of sick she is. Never.
'Must be one of the maids...' she presumes, sending the thought to the back of her mind.
It does not rain, and she decides to go to work; she feels as though she owes something to her division for depriving it of its lieutenant and star role model. But as she goes about her duties, she notices how lifeless, sad, and lost everyone seems to be. There is no need to tell her why; it goes without saying. No one blames her though – they do not even know – but she still feels guilty, responsible for everyone's sadness.
Her captain worries for her heath; he tells her to take the day off, to get something to eat, and to get some rest. But he knows why she came to work, why she skipped dinner the previous nights, and why she has been unable to sleep at when the sun finally sets. He, ever understanding, sympathizes with her, tells her not to blame herself, and assures her that what she did was the right thing. She smiles as she leaves, thanking him for his kind words, but her feelings do not change; her spirits are not lifted; her heart continues to sink.
She does not return home, but pays a visit to his grave. She places a lone flower on the tombstone and clasps her hands together and prays.
Kuchiki Rukia is not one who mourns the dead. Living in Inuzuri, she had seem many of her comrades succumb to death. She used to cry, but she quickly lost all reason to; death had just become another obstacle to her. This time, however, is different, because this one did not die by natural forces, but by her blade, wielded by her hands, piercing through his midsection. She almost wishes that she can feel that kind of pain, if only to lessen the one in her chest. But she cannot bring herself to preform such brutal actions. All she can do is sit there on the dirt ground and cry her pathetic tears until they come no more.
"...Kaien-dono..." she mumbles through her sobs. "...What would you do?...What...what would you say to me?"
She takes out that blue cloth and watches it as she rubs it between her fingers. She can hear his brash, yet kind and assuring voice as she does so, and knows that she has found her answer.
'You would scold me, wouldn't you...'
And she sits there until nightfall, replaying that fateful incident in her head, whispering his last words to herself, and imagining what he would say to her now, if he were alive to see her crying.
• • • • •
He sits in his study with an endless amount of papers and works at them diligently and dutifully. He expresses no outward emotion, but he feels anxious; he knows that she has not yet returned, and it bothers him greatly. He contemplates going out to search for her and is about to leave his work when he hears the sound of soft, slow footsteps and feels a small reiatsu making its way down the halls. He steps outside and sees his little sister walking towards him, and all his worry is quickly washed away. But she, on the other hand, does not seem to notice his presence until he speaks up.
"Rukia," he bluntly states, devoid of all emotion.
"Nii-sama," she replies, bowing, unaltered by his harsh tone. "My apologies in returning home at such a late hour. Please excuse my tardiness."
"Have you eaten dinner yet?" he questions.
She shakes her head, giving him a no. "If you do not mind, I would like to skip dinner tonight. I am not hungry."
He does not respond, but looks at her, noting how pale her face is and how dark the rings are under her eyes. She looks so weak and frail, like a porcelain doll that could easily break if not given special care. He knows he should tell her to eat something, but he does not; instead, he gives her a nod and returns to his work, saying to her as he slides the door close, "Get some rest. I do no want you getting sick."
He hears her give an almost mechanic reply, saying, "Hai, Nii-sama" before she walks off. He waits and listens to her quiet steps and once he can hear them no longer, he makes his way to the shrine down the hall and gazes at the smiling portrait of his late wife with confliction.
"Hisana, she is going to be the death of herself. I refuse to fail the promise I made to you, but...what can I do?"
He closes his eyes and lets out a sigh, all the emotions he buries within himself slowly rising to the surface. "It pains me to see her like this...and it pains me that I can do nothing but watch her guilt slowly consume her from the inside out...Hisana...If you were here, what would you say to her? ...What should I say to her?"
He sits there for a moment longer, searching for the answer that he does not find in the end. But he does not give up. As he rises from his seat and steps forward toward the shrine, he makes one more vow to his wife that he swears to never break.
"Hisana, I will end her pain. I know not how...but I will find a way," he says, gazing into her eyes as if she was real and standing before him. "I know you want to see her happy again, so I will make sure that she smiles once again. I do not know what to do, but I will do what I must, no matter what it takes."
He slowly closes the shrine and takes one final glimpse at her smiling face before leaving the room. And so, as he goes off to bed, he whispers his final goodnight.
"Hisana...this is my promise to you, and I will not break it."
• • • • •
There is no light, no stars to illuminate the black night. The rain falls and she can feel it pelting down on her. It feels like thousands of needles being prung into her body, a sharp and piercing sting. But she does not complain; the hurt is just what she deserves for all the pain she's caused; for all the tears his comrades have shed; for all the nights his family spent awake; for killing Shiba Kaien.
She stands by the koi pond just as she has done each night before, and holds that tattered cloth – his worn blue strip of fabric – to her chest. She repeats his last words to herself without end, constantly whispering, "Kaien-dono" as she bites her quivering bottom lip. Painful tears stream down her cheeks and she does stop them; she hasn't the strength or will to; she can't, for she knows her fantasy of his return to life is naught but a vain hope and an impossible reality.
• • • • •
He hears the rain, then hears the sound of feet walking down the veranda, and instantly, he knows whose they are. The steps are soft, quiet, as if they do not want to be heard; but to him, they are nearly as loud as the pouring rain. He sits up, now fully awake, and listens as the feet depart from the wooden floors and onto the grass-laden garden. Silently and swiftly, he rises from his bed, opens the shoji doors, and walks outside; and out there, he sees just who he was expecting to see.
He steps from his room onto the hallways, but does not go any further; he stays under the protection of the over-hanging roof above his head, and is not hurt by the pelting rain. But as he stands there, he watches her and wonders whether or not the rain stings her skin, and if so, how hurt she is. He wants to give her protection; he wants to be her protector, but he cannot. This wall he spend so long building up, this frozen heart he spent so long freezing, this perfect picture of nobility he spent so long paining; none of them allow for familial affection or compassion, and yet, seeing his little sister so distraught has crumbled his walls, melted his heart, and torn his perfect painting straight down the middle.
He wordlessly mouths her name without even the tiniest sound, but hopes that somehow she can hear his silent calls. He wishes he had the strength to call out to her, to tell her to turn and come to him, to give her a shield to hide behind from the oncoming rain. But he does not. Kuchiki Byakuya is left lost and helpless; the ever-knowledgeable nobleman and Gotei captain can find no answer for his simple question. For once, he does not know what to do.
Suddenly, the rain begins to pour down even harder, with a fierce and intense strength, and he cringes, knowing that his sister is out there, alone, in the dark, under the ruthless and unforgiving rain. His hand grasps the wooden post, unconsciously tightening, his knuckles quickly palling; but he draws no notice. All his attention is on the small, thin figure standing by the pond, meters away from him. And that is all he sees.
He hears a faint whisper; the words are incoherent, hampered by sobs and muffled by the water falling from the sky; but he knows exactly what she is saying. He knows she is mumbling the name of her deceased lieutenant, and apologizes to everyone for his death. He knows, because she had been unconsciously whispering in her sleep as he had carried her to her room and tucked her in each of those rainy nights. He knows that guilt is eating away at her, and it hurts him to see her in the state she is in, because it reminds him of his late wife. But this time, he swears that he will not fail; he will give her the comfort that she needs.
He continues looking out in her direction and holds out his hand, and feels the cold rain bite his skin. 'It's cold,' he thinks, instantly withdrawing his limb. 'Rukia...come back inside...Rukia...'
"Rukia..." he finally calls.
"N-Nii-sama!" she gasps, surprised. As she turns towards him, he can see the moonlight reflecting off the tears in her round, violet eyes.
"Rukia, come back in the house. If you stay out any longer, you will get sick."
"Nii-sama...I'm sorry, I can't. I–"
"Shiba Kaien would not want you punishing yourself in such a way."
She is silenced. She wondrously gazes at him in awe, mentally question if she had heard him – her cold brother who would rather do paperwork than spend time with her – correctly. "But..." she weakly objects. "But I deserve to be punished. What I did was unacceptable; I should be condemned to death..."
"Shiba Kaien would not want that."
"But...but I am sure his brother and sister wouldn't mind much if I died. I'm sure they hate me."
"Rukia, cease this. As I have said, Shiba Kaien–"
"Stop saying his name!" she exclaims, obviously both angry and hurt. "There is no more Shiba Kaien. I killed him, alright? I killed my own lieutenant! I...I killed the only person who cared about me!" She pauses, letting the hot tears trail freely down her cold cheeks, violently clenching her white-knuckled fists, as she continues in a hushed whisper, "...And now I'm all alone."
He is stunned silent at her sudden outburst, and after a moment of pondering the thought, he finally realizes the source of her outrage and frustration; the reason for all this pent up anger is not simply the death of her much-beloved higher officer, but him, the almighty Kuchiki Byakuya, and all the neglect he has given her. He lets out a sigh and speaks, his voice soft, saying to her, "Rukia, come here."
"...H...hai Nii-sama," she meekly replies, nodding, now regretting her previous show of emotion. She slowly makes her way over to him in fear of rebuke for her disrespectful behavior, listening to the squish of the ground under her feet in attempt to distract her fearful thoughts. She steals a quick glance up at him once she meets him on the veranda, but almost immediately looks back down at her feet, before timidly saying," Nii-sama...I...My apologies. I did not mean to–"
"Rukia," he interrupts, getting her attention before continuing, "you are not eating, not sleeping, and spending each night out in the rain. This is not good for your health. As I have told you before, he would not want to see you hurt yourself like this."
"But–"
"And neither do I."
Her eyes widen and she is speechless, stuck gazing up at her brother's impassive expression, gnawing on her bottom lip as she vainly tries to suppress the oncoming wave of tears. It is as if she has lost her voice; she can feel it caught in her throat as her attempt to say his name leaves her mouth as a staggered choke. "N-Nii...sama... I-I..." she manages, unable to complete her sentence, her words failing her the moment she feels a warm cloth fall over her shoulders.
He waits for her to continue and watches her hold out a small trembling hand towards him, but he does not know what to do or how to react; he is hesitant as he looks down at her thin and shaking frame. It is obvious that she's trying to suppress her cries and sniffles, but he can hear them as clearly as if they were standing in silence, without the loud booming rain pounding besides them. No matter how she tries to hide it – be it looking to the ground of clenching her jaw – he is still well aware of the tears that litter her eyes and obstruct her vision. He looks down at her outstretched hand and knows exactly what she is wordlessly asking; and he finally complies. He takes her small, cold palm in his own and wraps his fingers tightly around hers, trying to supply as much warmth as he can.
Surprised at the contact, she looks up at him, whispering, "Nii-sama..." before hastily returning her back to the ground. "Nii-sama, I...I am sorry for bothering you with such trivial matters." She tries to slide her hand from his grasp, giving him an opportunity to leave her and return to his room and to his sleep; but he does not let go; his grip only tightens.
"This is not a trivial matter."
She lowers her head apologetically, taking his hard, serious tone as one of rebuke and reprehension. "I...I'm sorry. I should not have thought so lightly of death and disrespected the departed."
"Rukia, you know that is not what I meant," he says, trying not to sound admonishing with his icy tone. "Shiba's death cannot be so small and trifling if it has affected you in such an enormous way."
"...Y...Yes...you are right," she replies, her voice sounding emotionless and dead. "I...am weak for letting these feeling get the better of me."
"Rukia, it is alright to cry. It is not weak to mourn over those you cared for." He pauses a moment and waits for her response, and as he waits, he can feel her entire body tense just by the one hand he is holding. "You do not need to hide it from me; you do not need to try to be strong when you know it is too hard to."
"Nii-sama..." she whispers, sounding almost awe-struck. She begins to feel tears well up in her violet eyes and her throat constrict.
"You can tell me what is bothering you, Rukia, and you can cry; it's alright."
In that moment, she does not think, but lets her emotions control her. The thought of her brother's cold exterior and stoic demeanor does not pass through her mind. She does not put thought into her actions; she releases his hand and throws her arms around his waist, and just cries.
He stiffens and hesitates at her sudden movements, and when she feels that, she pulls herself back and apologizes. "Nii-sama...my apologies."
He looks down at her and sees her small frame tremble – even under the warmth of his haori – and he wonders if it is the cold, or her sobs that shaking her; but whichever it is, it does not matter to him; he only wants it to stop.
"Rukia," he says, looking deep into her violet eyes, "there is no need to apologize." Finally tearing down his stoic facade, he brings her back into his arms, holding her tightly as if she could be taken away, and letting her cry her tears until they fall no more.
"...I'm so pathetic..." He hears her soft voice mumble into his chest, and wants to tell her 'no, that is not true,' but he does not; he waits and quietly listens as she continues. "I...I ran away because I was afraid to fight; but I came back...because I couldn't stand my own cowardice. I only used my blade because...I couldn't stand there...and watch him suffer...I...I did it all... for myself." He has to strain his ears to hear her; her voice gets weaker as she continues, her sobs muffling her words. "I-It was selfish of me....I...I'm pathetic...so pathetic..."(vol 16)
He can feel his chest tighten at hearing her almost inaudible whispers; he doesn't know why, but it hurts. Never before had he felt compassion for anyone – he had discarded such useless emotions long ago – but seeing his sister in such a torn and broken state, and feeling her small form shake in his hold makes him question which feelings he left behind, and which he continues to keep with him.
"Rukia, you are not pathetic; you actions were not selfish. You made the right choice. Do not doubt yourself."
"But–"
"You did not only save yourself, but also the soul of Shiba Kaien. I know it must have been hard, but you did well. I am...proud."
In that moment, she can feel her throat clench and her chest begin to constrict. She knows his words are not much – her captain had told her the same – but the thought of her uncaring brother giving her his empathy makes her feel satisfaction in a way she never knew. "N-Nii-sama...I..." she chokes out, unable to continue.
The arms around her tighten and warmth begins to thaw her numb body as his comfort begins to heal her wounded heart.
"Nii-sama...thank you..."
He lets down his cold exterior and allows himself to smile. Brushing her one disobedient lock of hair behind her ear, he whispers back in reply, "You are welcome."
Waiting and listening, he hears her once staggered breaths become even and feels her once trembling frame relax in his arms; the expression on her face is no longer one of pain, but one of contentedness. He knows that tonight, as he tucks her into bed, nightmares will not haunt her sleep, nor will they wake her from her slumber. As he hears the rain slowly silence besides him, he knows that her guilt has finally been lifted, and it makes him feel at ease. For the first time in his many years with her, Kuchiki Byakuya is the brother she had been searching for. As she lays in a peaceful sleep in his arms, she knows that she has found the family she always wanted, and he feels a fleeting happiness at knowing that he was just that to her: a family.
'It's all better like this,'
• • • • •
The warmth has finally come
The rain has finally stopped,
And now the stars can finally shine.
"Thank you…"
A/N: The little stanza-things in itallics were from a poem I wrote, with the same title: In a Starless Night; that's actually where I got the title for this, but not the idea for this fic, since I kinda wrote that poem halfway thorough writing this...
Anyways, that's it... Leave a review and you'll make me happy!! :3