This is my first fanfic. Ever. I'm not sure I'll ever continue writing, but I just wanted to check this off my 'list of things I wanted to try' list. I also needed to get season 5 off my chest. Pretty please, if I haven't scared you off from reading this yet, consider yourself warned...
SPOILERS! All of Dexter including season 5 obviously. Oh and the opera Faust. Yes, really, an opera.
disclaimer thing...
All hail Hypno-toad! Um. I mean the most amazing writers, book and show, crew and cast of the most amazing tv show ever that make me WATCH TV like I'm staring at Hypno-toad. (Futurama)
Oh wait! Except when they have me jumping up and down in my seat and yelping at the suspense of it all. Everything, including my eternal gratitude, belongs to you!
Don't let the above humor throw you, this is angsty. In fact I went and wrote a short funny piece after this one just to get over it.
IN THE MORNING
Lumen and Stephanie were on a high of a different sort. The music in the performance had been beautiful, soaring and lovely. And the traditional opera - of course the story was tragic - had them both in tears by the end. A rare occurrence for Lumen, she'd learned by now to keep her emotions on lock-down around her friends and family. But after a few months of being home, day by day, the secrets in her life had gotten easier to bear.
However not tonight, the story of Faust and poor doomed Marguerite reflected back her own life and love. Eerily. Sad, tragic love that's true but never meant to be was standard for the opera, she should have known better. So was somebody dying, she really should have known better.
She had kept glancing around near the end, making sure she wasn't the only one crying, not looking out of place. Luckily Stephanie looked like she was about to wail out loud beside her. New mothers were so emotional, thank goodness.
"That was SO sad!" Stephanie was saying now as they left the doors of the theater for the cold fall Minneapolis night "I can't believe she died like that! I mean people always die in opera, but really! Jilting the man who loves you like that on the way out?"
Lumen tried not to visibly flinch. "He made a deal with the devil Stephanie, he was up to his armpits in hell." she tried not to sound like she was defending herself. "How painful do you think it would have been for her to live in that with him? To want to save him from it every second but know you can't? And do you really think he could have forgiven himself when he realized he just dragged her back down with him?" Lumen, still emotional from the end of the show, had argued her point so dramatically she and Stephanie had come to a dead stop in the middle of the street staring at each other.
"Oh. I hadn't thought of it that way." she finally replied awkwardly. Lumen had told her - once - that she had met some mysterious man while she was away that she never wanted to talk about. All of a sudden Stephanie felt like she was in dangerous territory. "Lets just get to the car, its late, and I'd really like to get home before Ethan has to do first shift of night duty when he's already been taking care of Mavis the whole time."
They walked in silence the rest of the way to their car down the road, Lumen's thoughts were far away, but she was still alert and looking around. Stephanie in contrast, was focused on Lumen trying to keep the puzzled worry from showing on her face. The puzzled feeling won out when she saw Lumen suddenly grasping at her purse.
"Stop right there bitches!" a male voice said from the shadow of the opening to the alley they had been ready to walk by. "Purses, watches and jewelry. On the ground now, I have a gun!"
Stephanie couldn't help but let out a short, panicked yell. "Shut up!" The man yelled in a horse whisper as he stepped closer to them. "Now!"
Lumen had frozen, hand still inside her purse. But a little shiver of thrill went through her because she clutched her weapon. "OK, OK..." she said calmly, trying to defuse the situation and relax Stephanie, "I'm dropping my purse now.." With her other hand she lifted the shoulder strap over her head, and, purse still covering the weapon clutched in her hand, she raised her arm in front of her and the purse slipped away to the ground with a gentle thud.
The thief was only a nervous youth, and staring down the barrel of her gun didn't help. His eyes bulged. "Fuck!" he exclaimed, "FUCK!" the rising panic was evident in his voice.
Lumen toyed a little with him "Oh look," she pointed the barrel up and down his body "We're even!"
Stephanie's hands flew to her mouth, too surprised to speak.
"Probably not that even though," she continued "I've been practicing. I'm a MUCH better shot than I used to be. Way more... effective. Guy like you," she looked his bedraggled form up and down, "probably can't afford target practice can you." The would be thief's gun was shaking in his hand. With her free hand, Lumen waved Stephanie to back away. He wasn't speaking. Lumen looped her purse strap around her ankle and started to slowly back away too.
"Go to the car."
"What? Lu, no! I can't just leave you!"
Lumen spared a quick glance over to her. "I'm fine. Go to the car! Wait for me. I'll be there soon."
"But..."
"Stop talking! You're panicking, I'm not. You're making things worse. Just go!" Thank God Stephanie had just said her nickname and not her full first name.
Stephanie started to trot off at an unsteady jog to the car, when she was out of earshot, Lumen spoke again. "Back into the alley." the boy's chest heaved with fear, but he obeyed. Lumen glanced around to make sure no one was around on the darkened street and then advanced to the edge of the alley herself.
"You're going down the wrong path, but there's still time to stop." She said as quietly as possible. "You haven't killed anyone yet have you?" Her voice was steady, and he shook his head no, eyes still wide as saucers.
"You don't want to." she replied, "Stop before you do, its a difficult thing." The thief started biting his lip. Lumen reached into her purse and opened the zippered compartment to where she kept her money.
She dropped it on the ground between them. "Here, you probably need it more than me. But promise me you won't do this again. It will make your life very hard, believe me." he just kept staring blankly at her. "Promise?" she prompted.
Finally, he emphatically nodded in the affirmative. "Good. Put your gun on the ground." His shaking arm was only half up anyway, and he finally seemed to steady as he slowly placed the gun on the ground. "Back away from it." He obeyed. Lumen kept hers up and pointing at him as she moved forward, always facing him. She picked up his gun. "Y- You gonna call the cops?" he stammered.
"No." she shook her head. "No. I got a second chance, a fucking miracle. Its been hard..." her voice cracked a little. "Unbelievably hard, but worth it. Very worth it. This is me, paying it forward." she started backing away again. "Don't waste it."
Lumen felt it again, that peace coming over her. She paced backward methodically and meaningfully, step by step, like dropping garbage bags into the sea. She became more sure of her decision slowly, pace by pace. Reflections of panic and understanding went back and forth between their eyes.
She kept the gun pointed at his head until she rounded the edge of the alley. Then started her own run to where Stephanie would undoubtedly be frantically pacing by Lumen's car. She looked back every few seconds to make sure she wasn't followed, and did her best to conceal the two weapons she carried against her body, under the flaps of her open jacket. By the time she got to Steph an odd happiness had come over her.
Stephanie started frantically asking questions. "Shhhh. Don't worry, we're OK." She slipped between the cars and tried to stuff the guns in her purse while she got out her keys to unlock the door. "Just get in the car, we're leaving." Lumen was in the car first, as Stephanie got in Lumen checked the man's gun. "What're you...?"
"Calm down, just putting on the safety. Give me your phone."
"What?"
"Give it to me."
Lumen looked at her call history. "Good. You didn't call the police."
"Oh God! Oh crap! I should've! I- I didn't think..."
"No that's good. Don't."
Stephanie froze. "WHAT? He's getting away!"
"I know, let him." Lumen put her hand on her shoulder and looked right into her friend's eyes. "He's just a kid, he should get a second chance." she said softly.
Stephanie blinked, "Lumen that bastard pointed a GUN at us!" She stabbed her finger to the window, back towards where it all began. "A GUN!"
"I know," Lumen said, "but there are worse things."
"Worse things?" Stephanie scoffed with derision and anger. "Like what!"
Lumen looked at her sadly, pitifully, she didn't want to make her understand, but she had to. Carefully, she put the gun on her lap and unbuttoned the top few buttons at her shirt. She pulled it away from her shoulder and down her back and faced away from her to let her see properly. Stephanie teared up instantly and her hand moved of its own accord to touch what she didn't think she was seeing with her own eyes. "Lu, what the hell is this?" Her voice trembled.
Lumen, not wanting to say anymore tonight, just stated the obvious. "Scars." she said, "Healed scars."
After an awkward pause, when Stephanie finally realized she was still touching Lumen's back, she lifted her hand off with a jerk. Lumen buttoned her shirt again, sullenly. No one had touched her scars since Dexter. She picked up the boy's gun.
"Look, he didn't even load a bullet in the chamber, either he didn't know what he was doing or he didn't really want to hurt us."
Lumen angled the boy's revolver toward Stephanie to show her. The cylinder however, did contain bullets. Stephanie felt ill, and settled back in her seat, silent. Lumen took advantage of the silence to remove the bullets and put them in a cup-holder. She wiped the gun down with her skirt and wrapped it in one of the reusable grocery bags she had beside her in the car door. She put the wrapped gun with the rest of the bags. *That should hide it well enough for now.* she thought. She started the car and drove away while Stephanie cried silently beside her, likely in shock.
Fifteen minutes later Stephanie finally spoke up. "Lumen, why are we going this way? Home's not this exit..."
It was weird to Stephanie how Lumen responded with an almost normal smile. "We just have to make a stop first."
Lumen drove the car to the industrial side of town. *Other side of the tracks, how appropriate.* The wooded area by the river was known for tent cities and homeless, but with the fall cold snap she knew most people would be in shelters tonight. The fewer people around the better.
She stopped the car by the path to the river lookout and took off her light blue jacket. "Stephanie, can I borrow your shawl and jacket?" It was black and would camouflage her better. She wrapped the black shawl around her blond head and neck and put the jacket on. Now she would be warm and inconspicuous. "Can you get me the flashlight from the glove compartment?" Stephanie handed it to her robotically, not mentioning how unusually large it was for a glove compartment.
Lumen grasped the comforting solidness of her old friend as its weight was hefted into her hand. She smiled as encouragingly as she could. "Almost done, I should be back in 30 minutes." She checked a pocket to see if it was empty and found Steph's cell phone. "Hold on to this in case you need to call me." She stuffed the bullets in the coat pocket and took the bag with the gun from the door. Stephanie nodded blankly and clutched her phone. She watched her as she got out of the car and carefully jumped over the closed gate of the lookout path. With a sinking feeling, she felt like she was watching an unknown stranger from a distance.
Lumen walked down the well maintained path as quickly and quietly as possible in the dark. The moon wasn't full, but cast enough light so she could see ahead of her. She used the flashlight sparingly, she knew the path well enough because Owen had taken her to this lookout every so often when they were dating. The main path led to a very open pier, but there were some side paths that led to the banks of the river.
But it wasn't Owen she was thinking about while she walked this path. *Oh Dexter...* the voice in her head pined *is this how you felt when you helped me?* How Stephanie had almost ruined them, nearly using her very distinctive first name. *Everything you do leads right back to me!* he echoed in her head. She wished she could call him, just to hear his voice. *But I can't call, not when I'm not sure we got away cleanly...* what if surveillance cameras had recorded them, what if the boy went to the police?
*Leap of faith...* she remembered. She had leaped, and she'd find out in the next few days if she would stay as free in life as she felt in her heart now. *He did so much for me, and when I wanted to go he just set me free. As dangerous as it is for him, he always just wanted me to be free of everything. What a burden.* Just as she was starting to feel about this boy. Conversely, the ache of guilt for abandoning Dexter had abated slightly with the night's events.
*I understand better now...* memories flitted through her mind; the night she shot Dan, the day she told Dexter she wanted to kill Alex, Deborah's gift of freedom. *not fully, never fully, but better.* She smirked at her own remembered stupidity. *What a pain in the ass I must have been!*
She stopped, the side path she wanted should be around here. *Glad I wore flats.* She bunched her skirt around herself as she stepped around some pointed branches. *It wouldn't be good to catch my clothing on that.* Here she used the flashlight on low to light her way and avoid the roots that creeped out of the ground. *So many ways to trip up - as dangerous as my Miami secrets.*
Her mind drifted to Stephanie. *Will it be enough to keep her quiet?* she wondered. *Will she want to call the police in the morning?* her heart sunk. *Will she keep hating that boy?* She took it personally, since she saw so much of her old self in him. Desperate, needy, unhinged. *Maybe I've lost my friend.* She wouldn't be surprised if she had, she knew she'd been a sullen wreck since she'd come back. Uncommunicative, evasive, and always lost in thought. She was surprised Steph had been as good to her as she had been, others hadn't. *And now look what I've caught her up in.* She furrowed her brow as she started to worry. *Darkness.* she did her best to put the thought out of her mind, now was not the time.
The forest was quiet, but she was close enough to the river now that she could hear it rush. *Fast moving, probably high right now.* she thought *Perfect for what I need to do.*
As she approached the edge she looked around herself to make sure she was alone. Then with gloved hands she took the bullets out of her pocket and wiped them down with the edge of the cloth grocery bag. *So glad daddy signed me up for baseball when I was a kid.* She flung them into the river with a fast pitch. She couldn't hear them hit the water above the roar of the river.
Next was the gun. She clutched the bag to her heart, not wanting to let it go yet. She could feel her heart beating through her ribcage at the unyielding steel of the weapon. "I love you." she spoke, as if he were there. "and you love me, but the only thing I could do for us was leave. We both know I would have screwed up eventually anyway." she clenched her eyes shut "oh I hope you're safe... loved... don't get caught." she lifted the bag to her lips, was about to kiss it goodbye, then decided against it. "Don't get caught..." she whispered. She stared at it for a final second before she flung it into the river, full force, then collapsed to her knees and wept.
Stephanie was about to try and call Lumen, it had almost been 30 minutes, and time ticked by in slow motion and drove her nuts. Finally, she saw her at the gate of the path, in a hurry. Stephanie breathed a sigh of relief, but as Lumen got in the car she noticed her eyes were red. "Sorry." She muttered. "Lets get you home." It was almost 1 am. "I texted Ethan to let him know I'd be home late." she said mechanically. "Good." Lumen nodded.
Lumen started the car in a hurry. "Lumen, are you..."
"Don't." she interrupted. "Don't ask, OK? I just want to drive." She took off the scarf and handed it back to her.
Stephanie paused. "OK." she settled back a little into her seat.
Lumen zoomed her home, easy to do at this time of night, but inside her mind was realizing the mistake she'd just made. *I should have driven her home first. Fuck! FIRST! I screwed up again!* her mind played tricks on her as she heard Dexter chide her in her head. *She knows you're covering for him now.* she shook her head a little in dismay *Him! A gun-wielding perfect stranger!*
She saw Stephanie look toward her, so she made a show of rubbing her eyes, pretending she was tired. She probably was.
*You're not me. You can't get involved like that, you're undisciplined. Sloppy. You need help for things like this,* the Dexter voice continued, *or it'll all be over...*
"Almost home." She said aloud to Stephanie, and she was indeed. Her dark and silent home could be seen down the end of the cul-de-sac. Inviting and slumbering. Lumen parked the car and Stephanie started to open the door.
"Wait," Lumen said, "your jacket." She took it off and handed it to her gingerly, Stephanie looked like she was still in shock but she was no longer crying. She considered Lumen as she grasped her jacket. "Lumen, are you alright to drive home?" Lumen nodded. "Yes - yes I'll be fine." a disbelieving quirk of her mouth. "You want to drive me?" Stephanie stood up from the car, put her jacket on and tried to imagine herself at the wheel for even one second. She failed. "No." she blinked and shook her head slowly but vigorously. "Nooooo."
Lumen pressed her lips together, trying not to laugh because she sounded a little drunk. Still in shock. "Steph, just go in, and go to sleep OK? You're home, and everything will be alright in the morning." She tried to make herself believe her own words.
"OK." Steph turned and walked up to her front door. "OK." She repeated as she paused in front of it, in a bit of a daze.
Lumen unbuckled her seat belt and reached over to shut the passenger side door. She waited as Stephanie slowly got out her keys and unlocked the door. She waved goodbye at Lumen before she shut it. Lumen waved back, and tried another encouraging smile, but once Stephanie was out of sight she started swearing.
"Shit!" She punched the dash. "SHIT!" Now her hand hurt. She tried not to think. It didn't work. The Dexter voice was back. Chiding, controlling and comforting all at once. *You weren't Marguerite tonight. Oh no. Marguerite would have called the police.* Gasping at the realization, she bit her lip. *She chose to be judged, she didn't give in to the darkness and she wouldn't have let others get away with it.* she knew she was imagining him, but she couldn't help but revel in it, she wanted to hear him again. *You may have just opened Pandora's box if they can't be trusted.*
"They can be." She said aloud to the strange not-aloneness of the car. "I can feel it."
She willed herself to start the car, somewhat hoping action would snap her back to reality. "I just don't know if I can trust myself to take care of things safely on my own." Her personal honesty seemed to quiet her head as she drove home.
The routine of Steph entering her own home came naturally, but oddly. The door seemed to close all too loudly, the hall closet swished open noisily. *Can't wake the baby...* her thoughts tapered off. She emptied her pockets in the hall dish and was dismayed at the clatter. Her cell phone never made that noise, it had a cover. In the dim light from the porch, she reached for the small thing beside it and held it to the window for a better look.
A bullet.
She stared at it for a full minute, her mind trying to consider what she held. Finally a little echo of logic came to mind from far away. *Not good... not good for the baby. Its too tiny, she might try to swallow it.* A mother's logic.
She grasped it in her hand, hung up her coat, and went upstairs to sleep. She opened the door to see her husband, Ethan, sleeping softly, invitingly. Quietly, she put the bullet in her jewelery box then the pieces she wore, undressed quickly, and crept directly into bed. Still unconscious, Ethan rolled over to encircle her with his arm, and for the first time that night she breathed a sigh of relief. She glanced back over at him in silent gratitude, and as her gaze trailed from his face she saw her own shoulder, unmarked and smooth in the dim light.
Everything would be alright in the morning.
She fell asleep.