A/N - So it's been a while since I've actually written any fic and after that entire N7 video yesterday, my heart is still somewhere out there and I was reminded of how much I love the mass effect franchise considering that it taught me how to survive through my first several teenage years. Yes, I did cry over that video, can't believe it's really time to say goodbye to Commander Shepard.
Love is the feeling that most would be too afraid to feel, to notice and to acknowledge. It's that little thing that screams out the want and need for commitment, hence why it's such a scary concept when thought of. Once it crosses one's mind, the hesitation in the individual becomes more known as it strikes them in the moment of sincerity and hope, most especially when their situation have the chance to call on for death.
And once loss has wrapped its fingers around this thing called love, the pain is more excruciating than anything else. It grabs at your chest, your sanity and your very own being with each step and breath you take. With that, everyone knows that it's easier to drown yourself in the burning taste of alcoholic beverages and the heavy weight of missions and tasks, not to forget the riskier ones that just gives you the chance to join the loved one lost.
But in the end, you lived and found yourself waiting for someone who you knew couldn't come back. You waited for the warmth in her touch, the softness in her voice, the glimmer in her eyes and the dimples in her cheeks whenever the corners of her lips curved upwards into that smile that caused you to gradually fall for her in the first place. You'd walk through doors in expectation of her standing somewhere in the room, you'd stare out windows in reminiscence of what it once felt to love and be loved, and most of the time, you'll wake up from a night of sleep in hopes that she'll be beside you, peace making itself comfortable upon the features you love.
But she's not and she doesn't, no matter how much time has passed.
Why, you asked?
Because she's gone.
Because you didn't stay when you should have.
Because you acted as a soldier instead of a lover.
No, lover's too much of a light word, it doesn't fit what you were to her and she to you, for everyone knew that both of you were so much more than just lovers.
Nevertheless, what's done is done and she's gone, never coming back.
At least that's what everyone told themselves. Not you though, for the first several months. You continued to wait for her, living through the pain that ached within you and the voices that lived in your mind in attempts to pull you back into reality. Sometimes, your friends even attempted to match you together with a few people here and there, and sometimes you'd manage to let go and go out for a few drinks just to, you know, try and have a life again. Unsurprisingly, it never quite worked out the way they hoped it would, for you spent most of the time comparing them to the one you lost.
Her fingers are too soft, you'd think to yourself.
Her eyes are too dark.
She doesn't fit in my arms.
Where are the scars?
It goes on for about two years, and somewhere along the lines, you somewhat stopped waiting and learnt that it hurt less.
But then her name was being read in reports, saying that she'd come back, only to be working for the one organization that caused so many problems in the first place. It was then when you found yourself in denial, though it wasn't until you stood before her did you curse the universe for playing the cruellest joke it could get from its books.
"A ghost," you had called her, your heart's beat pounding in your chest. A frown almost –almost – formed with your lip as you walked towards this woman and by the second you were only two steps away, her ever familiar scent engulfed you. You stared at the sight of her, as beautiful as she always had been with the right colour of eyes, hair, the shape of her face, the height of her cheekbones and the... hang on, the scar's not there, the scar to which you've placed a number of kisses upon. But that was barely important as she was there, breathing, living, smiling and not a moment too soon, she fits in your arms unlike the others.
But of course, such a sweet moment was only to be lived to a short end as anger let itself known afterwards with words like 'loved' and 'betrayed' leaving you without much consideration. You were too angry to listen, too angry to stop for a moment and just breathe, and so you left because where else did your loyalties lie but with the Alliance.
Nevertheless, you continued to listen to rumours and reports of her actions across the galaxy with a part of you wishing to have been the one beside her, fighting and shooting in the war she fought. And during one of the nights to when your thoughts ran around non-stop, before your head was weakened by a migraine, you sent her an email of apology, excusing your actions on Horizon as everything laid bare and fresh inside of you; more so the love you still felt for her.
Then six months went by, and there she was again, surprised to see you as you were with her.
"Shepard."
"Kaidan."
Words barely exchanged, but your gaze held hers.
And it was on that very same day when hell broke loose with the damned reapers making their assault on earth.
Well, trouble certainly did have its way when it came to following her around.
Though besides that, it took a while of adjustments, reassurance and a string of words until the once scrambled pieces fell back into their place. She still cared for you, it was so easy to see and feel, for all the while you still cared for her – you never did stop after all.
"I've always loved you. Through all these years, through... through everything."
So you said it; you told her the truth and it was replied with a kiss. You held onto her that night as skin brushed against skin and words of promises were whispered against newly attained marks and scratches. You lost her once, losing yourself in the process, an experience not worth for time to repeat. There was no way in hell were you to lose her again.
Love is a feeling that most would be too afraid to feel, to notice and to acknowledge. You were scared once, and so was she. But in the end, you loved her and she loved you. She loved you so much that she sent you away when the time came, couldn't risk you getting killed amidst the battlefield after that sudden incident. But god, you didn't want to repeat your mistake by leaving her just like last time.
"No matter what happens... know that I love you. Always."
Your heart sank as you heard it from her own lips, the look in her eyes leaving your lungs empty as you felt her hand meet against your cheek to which you took into your own. You were afraid once again, but a silent plea to live was exchanged and so you did the last thing you ever wanted to do.
You gave in and told her the words she wanted to hear.
"I love you too."
And she was gone.