I tap my fingers lightly over the steering wheel as I sink back into my seat. The radio plays quietly around me and I recognise a tune but before my brain has a chance to register what it is I jump a little startled as you open the car door.
"Hey, Yami" you smile over at me. I try and straighten myself up and start the car.
"Hey Yugi. How was work?" I glance at you quickly before I look into the side mirror checking for traffic.
"Eh, it was okay" a silence fills the car as I pull out and start making our way home. Every now and again I look over to you from the corner of my eye and watch as you sink further into your seat and look out the window, bringing your legs up to hold them to your chest. I direct my attention back the road sadly as my heart aches for you.
"So I was thinking that um, for dinner, how about curry or something?" My stomach tumbles as I nervously speak to you, trying for a conversation.
"Sounds good"
"We, uh, we don't have white rice. Only the brown at home. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, I don't really mind"
'Okay' I think, swallowing thickly.
I pull into our drive way and as soon as the car turns off you unbuckle yourself and step out, making your way to the front door and lean against the frame. I slowly follow, dragging my feet up to the door and bring out the key, unlocking the house and gesturing you inside before me. You disappeared into our room to get your laptop no doubt. So I make my own way into the kitchen to distract myself with dinner to avoid the stabbing truth that you no longer love me, or that you never really did in the first place. Sometimes I wonder why I've been playing this game with you that I know I'll never win. But I just love you too much to let you go. I shut my eyes tightly.
"Yami?"
I jolt back into the world and stare at you in surprise. "Yeah?"
"I'm going to order takeout"
"Oh, um, I was going to make curry, remember?" I move my hands around and grab at the bag of rice.
"Yeah but you seem a bit tired. I'll save you the trouble"
I try to insist that I'll cook but you ignore me and grab the phone and call the Indian restaurant down the road. You order for both of us and hang up. You start up your laptop and begin your distraction.
'Great, now what will be mine?" my eyes dart around and land on the TV. I internally groan as I don't really like to watch TV but I push this aside and head to the lounge room and plonk myself on the couch. I turn the TV on and let it play on whatever channel it starts with. I loll my head to the side and watch you at your computer. God you're handsome. Your eyes are half closed in a bored manner with your head propped up by your hand. I desperately want to stride over to you and kiss your lips. But I can't. I chew my lip pensively.
"Do you want me to go pick up the food?"
You knew I was watching you.
"I'll go if you don't want to" I say.
"Nah, I'll go" You say as you push yourself out of the chair and grab the car key. I stare blankly at the door which had just closed behind you and pull my legs to my chest. We were best friends, you and I. Inseparable. I loved you. But my love grew past that of a mere friend and after a while I grew the courage to tell you. I didn't know it at the time but your love for me was only friendship even though you smiled at me and confessed you felt the same way. I know you did it to spare my heart ache and for years now have lived in a relationship where we have both pretended that our love was two sided. I know you tried. I know you thought maybe you could grow to love me the way that I do you. But it didn't work, did it?
I turn off the TV and sit in silence as I wait for you to return. The sound of the clock in the kitchen echoed loudly and I listened as each second past. My ears perked up as I heard the door creak open and I watched you enter holding a bag.
"Dinner" you called.
I stood up and walked back over to the kitchen where you were opening the containers and tipping the contents onto two plates.
"Smells good" I comment as the aroma seeps up into my nose. You lick your finger that got a bit of sauce on it and hum happily to yourself.
"Yugi?"
"Hm?" You turn and look at me. We hold contact for a moment.
"Nothing" You hold my stare a little longer and push my plate toward me.
"Got your favourite" you sort of sang and brought a fork full of your own to your lips.
"That you did" I smile and eat a mouthful of my lamb vindaloo. I hum as I feel the burn of the curry on my lips and on my tongue.
"You were watching TV" you comment.
"Uh, yeah. I guess"
"Thought you didn't like TV" you say with your mouth a little full with rice.
"I don't. I was just bored I guess"
You laugh lightly "I thought this was going to be a step to me bringing one into our room. Guess not"
'You mean so you have another distraction from me so you don't have to keep pretending' I think glumly.
"Yami" I glance at you a little "I was just joking"
I look down and continue to eat more.
It was late now. The only light outside is a street lamp that flickers sickly. I watch your back as we make our way to the bedroom, following you only two steps behind. I stop at the doorway and feel along the wall to the familiar spot where the dial is for the lights, leaving my hand there as you turn down the bed. You look up and catch my eye and smile softly but it never quite shows past your lips. My stomach lurches and I turn down the lights slowly, watching your smile disappear into the darkness. We stay quiet for a while. I listen to the creaking of the bed and the ruffling of the blankets which amplify in the night as you settle beneath them. I shuffle on my feet awkwardly feeling a reluctance to join you fearing you don't want me with you. I yearn for you and crave you while I know you do not for me.
"Yami, are you getting in?"
"Uh, yeah" I nod, shaking my head to rid my thoughts for a moment. Walking over to the bed I pull off my shirt and feel the blankets beneath my palm. I slip in next to you and turn to my side where I see you watching me.
"You're doing it again"
"Doing what?"
We speak in a whisper.
"Being all quiet with me. Is something bothering you?"
"No. I guess I'm just tired" It's silent for a minute while you look into my eyes and breathe out in a sigh.
"Alright"
I shuffle close to you, pressing my body to yours. I rest my forehead against your bare chest and breathe you in. I feel your hand run down over my shoulder and slip under my arm to wrap around my waist. I tell you I love you, hiding the slight quiver in my voice, and you tell me the same. I wish you wouldn't lie to me. I push my nose against you, burying my face into your chest and close my eyes so I won't see the love you don't feel for me. I press my lips against your skin and you draw lazy circles in the small of my back. You only ever touch me like this in the dark, where you can't see me. It must be easier for you like this. You don't want to say this was a mistake and I don't want to let you go. I feel selfish. I feel like we are stuck in a rut. I can't you make you love me and I can't make your heart feel something it won't.
11:00
11:01
Morning will come soon and I think it's time that I should do the right thing by both of us.
This story was inspired and based on these two songs:
"Lies" Marina and the Diamonds
"Can't make you love me" Bon Iver
I have no ownership of these.
The characters belong to Kazuki Takahashi.