AN: I hate Twilight. This is written from Bella's POV. Also, it's obviously not meant to be serious. Please, if this in any way offends you, give me horrible reviews and flame me. :)

As I was walking into school that morning, I tripped over a stray cat.

"God curse you to hell!" I screeched, and received a strange look from a passing gaggle of freshmen. They didn't understand, of course. I'm so clumsy, so incredibly clumsy, that I once tripped over the cord of my cordless phone, and landed with my head in the stew-pot in which I was preparing Charlie's dinner. Then he beat me for being unladylike. At any rate, you have no idea how incredibly clumsy I am. Because I'm really, really clumsy. I'd have to say that being clumsy is my biggest imperfection. Incredible when you think about it, seeing as I apparently did dancing for many years when I was a child. But this did nothing to hone my sense of balance, and because I needed one intrinsic character flaw, instead of making me lazy or selfish or rude, my creator made me clumsy. Definitely the worst of deficiencies, I think.

I headed into biology class and took my seat beside Edward Cullen. As usual, he was staring at me in his creepy, bloodshot, drugged-to-the-eyeballs way.

"Hi Bella," he breathed as I sat down next to him. Affixing a sneer of disdain to my face, I glanced at him. He looked like dusted-off road kill, who'd just peeled himself off the asphalt to drag himself to class. His skin was sickly white and stretched thinly over his bones. His hair was lank and greasy, the colour of the sawdust they use in theme parks to soak up vomit. And his eyes were two limpid pools of yellow pond scum. He smelt like piss and mouldering flesh.

"Edward," I acknowledged him, and then turned my eyes to the teacher, who had just entered.

"Today, class," The teacher announced, "we will be dissecting frogs."

I heard a slobbery intake of breath coming from beside me. When I turned, Edward was still staring at me, and thick ropes of drool were trailing from his mouth to the metal dissecting tray on the lab bench. I blanched and swallowed the vomit that had come unbidden into my mouth.

The teacher was walking around the room, handing out dead frogs to lab pairs. He set a particularly large specimen on my tray, but before he could walk away I stopped him to ask a question.
"Erm, sir?"
"Yes, Bella?"
"Can I please be exempt from this lesson?"
"Well now Bella, I don't think that's possible."
"But sir… I have… a problem."

The teacher's attention was cut off suddenly. He stared past me, over my shoulder, at something behind me. The sound of more slobbering reached my ears, now accompanied by loud crunching and sucking noises.
"You think you've got problems?" The teacher said, and walked away in disgust.

I turned. Edward had twisted the dead frog's head off and was holding it upside down over his open mouth, his tongue questing for drops of blood beading at the frog's neck.
I fell backwards off my lab chair in shock and revulsion. As my head hit the floor, I felt a searing pain, and then my vision faded into black.

When I woke up, Edward was carrying me, staring crazily into my eyes and breathing heavily. I shrieked and struggled, and fell out of his arms onto a soft carpet of grass.
"You're awake," he rumbled.
"What the shit? Where have you taken me?" I exclaimed, beginning to panic. This creep had taken me out of school, and now I was alone with him – in what looked like the middle of a forest – and probably nobody knew where we were. Then, because I'm so clumsy, I accidentally fell off a cliff.

Edward was waiting for me when I clawed my way back to the top.
"I could have saved you," he said.
"Well, why the fuck didn't you?" I asked irritably.
He stared at me unfathomably.
"I don't want to scare you," he said eventually.
"You already fucking scare me," I snapped.
"I'd rather die than live without you!" he suddenly blurted out. He stumbled over and took my hands. "What if I'm not the hero – what if I'm the bad guy? Say it, say it out loud! I want to hear your theories!"
"I – "
"You are my life now," he continued. "I've been seventeen for a while! If you were smart you'd stay away from me! Are you scared? I watch you sleeping all the time!"
"No, I'm pissed off. Get the fuck away from me," I snarled. "I'm going home."

I stalked off towards what looked like an old path through the forest. Edward called out after me.
"You are my life now! What if I'm the bad guy! I must protect you! I wrote you a song!"
"Leave me alone!" I shouted over my shoulder, and broke into a run.
"Wait!" Edward bellowed out.
I stopped.
"I want to show you something."

I groaned and turned around. We were on opposite sides of a large, sunlit clearing; both of us standing in the shadows of the overhanging foliage.
"Well? What is it?"

Edward stepped into the sunlight, and immediately turned into a giant disco ball. My lips parted in wonderment, and then trembled with the effort of not laughing.

Suddenly there was movement at the other side of the clearing. Edward raced over to me, as fast as is possible for a giant floating mirrored ball. Three people, who all resembled cadavers, came into view. One of them, the man standing in front of the other two, was staring at me with vicious intensity.
"You brought a snack," he drawled.
With sudden realisation, I knew what he wanted. I screamed, turned, and ran.
The candy bar in my pocket bounced and jiggled as I bolted for safety. Behind me, I heard the crashing of bodies through the undergrowth, and I knew that death was inevitable…