Disclaimer:I do not own Warriors. If I did, then it wouldn't be so far up on the list of best-selling Fantasy books.XD
Rating: T for some stuff
A/N: I thought of this one night at exactly 10:54 PM.
One day, Firestar was walking along the lakeshore when suddenly he stepped on something squishy. Looking down, he saw a slimy fat thing with a curly shell. Immediately, he thought, This can be another type of fresh-kill when the usual supply gets low!
So he began to gather the slimy squishy things in a leaf package, and carried them up to the ThunderClan camp.
Upon entering the camp, the first thing he saw was Squirrelflight slapping Brambleclaw across the face and storming out. Brambleclaw looked confused and unhappy.
"Why, StarClan, why must these things always happen to me?
It's not like I'm evil, just...slightly ambitious, you see.
Squirrelflight hates me and I know some others do too
But I do not know if hate me do you."
Oh no, he's doing his soap opera again. Firestar thought with a sigh. He walked over to the younger warrior and set down his carefully wrapped bundle. "Brambleclaw," he meowed.
"Yes, O Great Leader, so strong and true,
What is it, pray, that you want me to do?"
"I want you to stop being such a drama queen." Firestar meowed sternly "I expect all my warriors to be serious- like Brackenfur, for instance."
The two cats glanced over to the warriors' den, where Brackenfur sat with Sorreltail. Suddenly, Brackenfur's fur stood on end and he squealed, "SPIDER!" he shot behind Sorreltail, his eyes wide with fear "SQUISH IT, SORRELTAIL, SQUISH IT!"
"Okay, maybe that wasn't such a good example." Firestar said, frowning slightly. "How about Whitepaw there?"
"Heehee! I found this nice plant in a Twoleg garden and my brain feels all fuzzyyy..." Whitepaw giggled, rolling past them.
"StarClan, is all of ThunderClan but me completely insane?" Firestar yowled, grabbing his bundle of squishy things and padding over to his den, where he placed them beside a pile of sticks he had gathered earlier.
"Firestar, what in StarClan's name are you doing?" Sandstorm asked him, coming out of the den that they usually shared.
"Making fire," he answered, holding a broken piece of shiny Twoleg stuff over the sticks. In a few moments, a red glow appeared and Firestar set aside the shiny stuff, pulling out a few squishy things and putting them on a stick, which he placed over the flames. "Let there be FIRE!" he cried, waving his paws happily.
"Are those snails?" Sandstorm asked, sitting beside him.
"Soon to be escargo." Firestar answered, the light of the flames dancing in his eyes. The snails were beginning to turn black and tasty and he pulled them from the fire. "Want first bite, Sandstorm?" he mewed, twining his tail with her's.
"Thank you, Firestar!" Sandstorm meowed, taking a bite of the escargo. "It's g-r-reeaattttt!"
Later, Firestar slipped out of the camp, silent as a shadow. His green eyes glittered with a slightly manic gleam. He ran into the woods, heading for the Moonpool.
When he got there, he promptly lay down and lapped up some water, feeling the familiar icy chill as he drifted into a dream.
Firestar stood before StarClan. He padded over to a blue-gray she-cat and meowed, "'sup, Blue?"
"Not much, Fire." she replied, yawning boredly "There's nothing fun to do here anymore! No breaking off bits of cliffs to send innocent apprentices to their deaths..."
"Oh, so you killed Smokepaw?" Firestar mewed "Cool. Wish I had powers like that. But then, that's why I'm here." he looked Bluestar in the eye "Here's an offer you can't refuse..."
. A Bunch of Whispered Plots Later... .
"Done!" Bluestar meowed, spitting on her paw and sticking it out towards Firestar.
Firestar raised an eyebrow "Look, I know you're desperate, but I don't feel that way about you."
"I am not desperate!" Bluestar hissed "I have Oakheart, and I shall have him for as long as StarClan exists! Riiight, Oakheart...?" she glared at him savagely. The tom cringed, nodding frantically "Yes ma'am!"
"Good," Bluestar snorted "Now, Firestar, be careful with y-" glancing around, she saw that the tom was already racing away from the Moonpool "Oh, nevermind then." she turned back to the rest of StarClan "Let's just pray that he doesn't burn the entire forest down."
One of the cats called, "Uh, Bluestar, we're the cats that they pray to...who do we pray to?"
Bluestar pondered this for a moment, then yowled, "Your MOM!" then she turned and ran away from the other cat, snorting with laughter.
Hollykit padded over to her big brother Shrewpaw, tugging on his tail "Shrewpaw," she mewed "Is she on crack?"
"How do you know about crack?" Shrewpaw asked, amber eyes wide.
Hollykit gestured towards a group of cats, former elders, but now restored to their full strength "'cause Crowfur brought some with him when he died and he's selling it for-"
. We interupt this fanfic to bring you a News Flash. A truck carrying 2,000 pounds of catnip has just fallen into a ditch in the middle of a forest by a lake. Already cats, attracted by the smell of the catnip, are gathering like ants to honey. Many are already unable to walk straight and some are- HOLY CRAP! RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN! (sounds of dozens of cats running after panicked humans who had been attempting to gather the catnip
It was time for a Gathering, and Firestar turned to his Clan "FireClan, w-"
"FireClan?" Dustpelt meowed "I think you made a mistake, Firestar, we're ThunderClan!"
"Stop thinking in the past, Dustpelt." Firestar mewed "StarClan, namely Bluestar, let me change the name to FireClan."
"But why?" Dustpelt questioned.
"Because I'm just so much cooler than you, Dusty." the leader answered. Then he leapt down from the Highledge and yowled, "Brightheart, Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw, Leafpool, Cinderpelt, Sandstorm, and...whatever your name is..." he frowned at a pale gray tom "Who the heck are you? I don't remember you from the books..."
"He's Sootfur!" Rainwhisker growled, not letting the pale gray tom have a chance to speak "And it's not his fault he's never mentioned."
"Well, whatever." Firestar still looked confused, still not remembering the pale gray tom. "Let's go."
. A really boring journey later .
"Like, cats of WindClan, RiverClan, ShadowClan, and, like, ThunderClan-"
"FireClan," Firestar interrupted Leopardstar.
"Yeah, like, FireClan and Firestar? Isn't that, like, naming the Clan after, like, yourself?"
"No!" Firestar growled "I named it FireClan because StarClan said I could!'
"But, like, why would you change it?"
"'cause fire..." Firestar's eyes gleamed with a crazy light "Is my world!"
"Um, like, okay then pyro." Leopardstar meowed, shifting further along the branch away from him "Now, like, let's get this Gathering over with. It's ever so boring!"
"What's a pyro?" Owlpaw asked.
"A pyro is a term for someone who is fascinated, sometimes to the point of obsession, by fire." Cinderpelt answered.
"I never knew you were a nerd Cinderpelt!" Leafpool meowed, poking her former mentor.
"Can we just get on with the fucking Gathering?" Blackstar hissed.
Whitepaw gasped "Gasp!"
"Think of the children!" Ferncloud yowled
"What's a fucking Gathering?" Owlpaw asked.
"A fucking Gathering is-"
"Shut up, Cinderpelt!" Firestar growled "Fine, let's just say we suddenly hate each other and ShadowClan will later attack RiverClan an-"
"Why would ShadowClan attack RiverClan?" Blackstar growled "We would never do that!"
"Yeah, 'cause, like, me and Blackstar are having an affair." Leopardstar meowed.
Shocked silence greeted this announcement.