In Service of Our Country
Fanfic set after episode 2.06 (Catch and Release)
Chapter 1
"Not until it was too late."
Elizabeth's statement to Henry played over and over inside his head.
Henry lay awake in their master bed while Elizabeth slept beside him. They had huddled together on the window seat for an hour after she had spoken those impactful words. Neither one had wanted to leave the embrace, finding comfort in each other where it had been more and more elusive. Reluctantly they rose from their spot by the window to find some sleep ahead of the continued grind they would face in their jobs tomorrow.
It had taken awhile for both of them to settle their thoughts from the past 36 hours. Both of them were restless, and try as they might to curl together and sleep, their minds would race, each unsettling the other.
They each sought solace in separating themselves, turning over to shield the uncertainty they both felt but could not talk about.
Elizabeth mentally went through her calming ritual, seeking to silence her punishing thought of self-recrimination for betraying her brother's trust. The part of her that was the Secretary of State knew it was a necessary aspect of her job. Even the CIA analyst she used to be could see the same thing.
But the sister she was to her free-spirited brother ached for the damage she wrought. He felt the loss of their medical courier keenly and would actually witness the lives affected by the drone strike. She did not want any civilian lives to be lost any more than Will did. But she had to think of the bigger picture.
Why did that mean someone else had to sacrifice for it? She thought. It was a part of her job she continually wrestled with.
It was a part of her job that Henry could counsel her on. But not now. Not tonight.
Henry was fighting his own demons with the suicide of one of his students. The very student he had asked Elizabeth about for asylum.
She knew his job was proving difficult. She could see it in his face, his demeanor and his detachment from her.
When he asked her how she could tell when she was in too deep, she understood his dilemma. She had faced that before in the CIA but always had the distraction of Henry and the kids to come home to.
Henry did not have that luxury. Her job entailed an even higher level of security where she was no longer a piece on the chessboard but rather one of the players deciding where those pieces would go. She was good at the big picture dynamic. But it meant having others sweat the details instead of her. Henry was more of the type to sweat the details and he was mired in it with his position. She could give him the perspective he needed as she was positive he was emotionally involved. But they were barred from discussing the classified aspects of their jobs for reasons of national security.
They both tried to muddle through the confidential nature of their jobs but the strain was telling. Henry had established a bit of a distance between them. It was subtle except for the fact that they always had a strong emotional and physical closeness that even a small deviation would be keenly felt.
Elizabeth loved lying in his arms in the window seat, reluctant to break the spell. She worried that her question about Ivan almost broke that spell. She had quickly interjected her comment about not wanting to push so as to re-establish their connection.
It worked as they stayed together in each other's embrace for a good hour until they felt exhaustion overtake them and the need to sleep brought them to bed.
She wanted to maintain that closeness. It had been weeks since they had made love to each other and while she was not seeking that level of closeness, she did want to be held by him.
But though they tried, they could not still their thoughts. What started off as the wonderful warmth of spooning morphed into each of them becoming aware of the tension in the other.
Henry took a deep calming breath as he kissed Elizabeth behind her ear and then she took a deep breath as she tried to match him. They ended up focused on each other's breath, as they lost their own natural rhythm and tensed up again.
They both sighed and Henry gave a small chuckle as he said, "We're keeping each other awake."
He gave her a kiss and rolled away from her to face the bathroom as he tried to sleep.
They managed to calm their minds with a little physical distance. That is when Elizabeth finally succumbed to sleep.
Henry was not so fortunate. He shifted from his side to lay on his back. He heard the deeper breathing of Elizabeth as she finally slept. He knew that all he was going to manage to do for the night was toss and turn, which would likely wake his sleeping wife. She already did not sleep enough as it was. Darned if he was going to be the reason she lost any more of it.
He quietly slipped out of bed and exited the bedroom. He made his way to his desk in their Study and though he would get a start on some class work for the War College.
After about five minutes of trying to organize his thoughts, his mind continued to drift towards his view of his classroom. Ivan would be missing from it now. He pictured Ivan with his outwardly bold bearing. Then the picture changed to show a young man dead in his room, a bullet would visible at his temple as blood poured out of the exit wound and onto the floor. His eyes that were so full of life and fervor before, were now sightless in death.
Henry tried to refocus for the next ten minutes before finally giving up. He needed a distraction that would get his mind off the events of the past day and a half. If he was honest with himself the events of the past few months were weighing on him.
He wandered through the kitchen and into the alcove off the breakfast room. He flopped onto the couch, grabbing the remote to turn on the TV as he shifted to a comfortable position, partially reclining against the cushions.
Late night infomercials seemed to be the big draw on most network channels at this time. But he had no patience to listen to whatever they were selling. He flipped through channels, as he paused to watch "Chopped". Elizabeth and he always enjoyed the show as they predicted the inevitable miscalculation of time and food preparation. But, it did not take him long to realize he had seen this episode already and try as he might, he felt empty watching it without Elizabeth.
He changed the channel again, finding an older episode of "Law and Order". It had been awhile since he watched it but he found himself pausing to try to get into the episode. He missed the start but knew he would catch on as they covered the story. The District Attorney and his Assistant DA appeared on the screen and Henry tensed involuntarily. The Assistant DA was similar in appearance to Jane Fellows.
Damn it, He though. He was not going to settle his mind thinking about his serious and emotionally remote handler, Jane.
Jane Fellows represented the starting point of his angst. Oh, she was a good person and dedicated to her job, and country. But his life and his comfort level had taken him down a path that was in conflict with everything he naturally felt.
"We always talked about being 'all in'" Elizabeth had said to him months ago. He liked what that meant, then.
He was not too sure he liked what it meant now. He was in a position to choose someone from his student population and subject them to the command of the Defense Department. It was like picking a kid to be on your team, but it was not any team he wanted to be on.
"More like finding another pawn to join your knight on the chessboard," Henry said out loud.
He flipped through more channels until he saw Amanda Blake on the screen playing Miss Kitty in "Gunsmoke".
Henry sighed with relief, as he felt a sense of the familiar pass over him. He had loved this show as a kid. A sense of security washed over him and he put the remote aside to lose himself in watching a show that reminded him of his childhood, when things were not so complicated.