"New guy's a cop, like you."

At Glenn's words, my heart seized in my chest, but I forced the feeling down. None of us could afford to hope; not about things like that. I looked up, squinting through the afternoon sun to see the figure emerging from behind Dale's van.

I knew. I knew before Carl and Lori even clocked him. The breath went from my chest all at once and I couldn't do anything but just stand there, my mouth gaping open like a fish outta water. And suddenly he was stalking towards us, and I thought he saw me and I wanted him to see me but he didn't… of course he didn't. He only had eyes for his family, and there they were; like our own little miracle.

It was a long time after that before he really noticed me. He saw me; we exchanged words; but he didn't notice me like I kept wishing for. I knew I oughta give him time, so I did- but keeping away was harder than I would've hoped. He was my best friend, and I missed him too- I missed him just like his wife did, but I didn't let myself show it. She wasn't the only one who had mourned for him.

Later, when he did come, it was like all the tension in me that had been mounting up over weeks and weeks just drifted away. Rick. My partner. My best bud. He always had a knack for making people feel at ease, and I had never been more grateful for it than at that moment. All I wanted to do was to let him soothe my crazy mind- to bring some kind of normality back into our lives.

He sat with me on the dirt at the edge of the woods, away from the others, and for a long while neither of us said anything at all. We watched as the sun set over the hills, and as one by one the people around us disappeared into their tents. Lori sent Carl off and wandered over to us. I wondered if Rick saw the accusing look she shot me, or the guilt that seemed to be a constant niggling thought at the edge of her mind. Even if he did, he never let on.

"You boys alright out here?" Lori asked, but she wasn't talking to me. Even Rick knew that.

"We're fine, sweetheart. Just need a little time to talk, is all. There's a lot been goin' on that I oughta be filled in on," he responded.

"Just, you didn't look like you were talking much-"

"Lori," I said, "We wanted to wait 'til everybody was sleepin'. There's a lot I gotta tell Rick about that I don't think you and Carl- or anybody else, for that matter- wanna be relivin' anytime soon."

She shot me a warning glance, a don't-you-dare look that told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to tell Rick about our little arrangement in his absence. She needn't have worried; that was one betrayal that I didn't have to face admitting right away. She knew she was beat regardless, and trailed off to her tent with a resigned sigh.

Rick turned to me, and I noticed- not for the first time since his return- how frail he looked now; even worse than when I last saw him. His cheekbones were protruding more than they should have been under papery-delicate skin, and his jaw was covered in coarse stubble. I had to admit that he was one tough son of a bitch, but the sight stirred in me a fierce desire to protect him; to keep him safe before anything else could come out of this bastard world and knock the last of the strength from him.

He didn't speak until I snapped back to myself, and stopped staring at him. I cleared my throat and stared at my feet, cumbersome in their oversized boots.

"You been takin' care of Lori and Carl for me?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, sir."

I still stared at my feet, trying not to think about just how I had been taking care of Lori. I forced down the thought of her- of her tears, and her moans, and her slender, naked body pressed against mine. I tried to convince myself that I had really thought he was dead; that I was justified in betraying him. In betraying both of them.

"Yeah. I been takin' real good care of them for you."

He nodded slowly and reached over to pat my knee, a slight smile creeping over his familiar features. I moved my gaze from his feet to the hand on my leg, but he pulled it away quickly and dusted his hands together- like he was wiping off the feel of me. One hand moved to his face, rubbing the rough stubble that he found there.

"Shane," he began, slowly. "Shane… I been thinkin' a lot about when I woke up in that hospital. Been thinkin' about how that door to my room was blocked off like it was. From what I could see, ain't nobody had the time or inclination to do that for a stranger."

I could see where he was going- what I had wanted to admit to him all along, but couldn't bring myself to say. He must've seen the guilt written all over my face. I could feel my cheeks hot with shame, and I self-consciously ran my hand through my hair.

"Would I be right in sayin' that it was you that set that up for me?"

His voice was neutral, not accusing- but I still couldn't bring myself to look at him, like I should have done. Like any man worth a dime would have done. I was never brave like this, with the emotional stuff. I could face a dozen walkers unfazed, or a dozen armed thugs back when Rick and I were partners- but I couldn't handle looking my best friend in the eyes and telling him that I left him alone in that hospital.

"Yeah, Rick. I reckon that would be about right," I said to my shoes.

"I thought as much," he replied. There was another long silence, broken only by Rick scuffing the heel of his boot in the dirt.

"I'm sorry," I whispered finally. "I didn't know what to do. I shoulda brought you out, Rick, but I was so fuckin' scared…"

My voice drifted off. My excuses were pathetic, even to my own ears.

"It was all I could think to do to shut you in there; maybe give you a fightin' chance," I finished.

Rick cleared his throat, and looked right at me. This time, I looked back. He didn't even look angry. Why did he always have to be so fucking reasonable? I wanted him to curse me, to punch me like I deserved. To hate me for just leaving him there when I knew he was alive, and a fighter. My gaze turned back to my shoes.

"Well now," he said, "I reckon that's exactly what you did, ain't it? You gave me a fightin' chance, and it worked- I'm here now." He smiled softly, and patted my back. "I don't blame you for leavin' me, brother. I might've done the same thing if I thought for a second I coulda got Lori and Carl out safe. And you did that- you kept them safe for me, right up 'til I came back. I'll never forget that."

"I'd say I came out of this alright then, if you ain't tryin' to beat the tar outta me for leavin' you out there," I said lightly. "It's a God-damn miracle that you're alive, Rick, but it's an even bigger one that you don't seem to hate me."

He cast his gaze down, his smile disappearing. "Now, come on, Shane," he said sternly, "Y'all know not to joke about that. Don't you ever joke about that, you hear? You know I could never hate you."

My breath hitched in my throat, and I wondered if he was saying what I thought he was. "You're right," I replied. "We got somethin' special here."

"That we do," he said, his smile returning and casting all the shadow from his features.

Before I could even think about it, I grabbed his thin face between both hands and kissed him, hard and desperate; smashing my mouth onto his own. For a second, I thought he was going to comply, but I was wrong. He sprang to his feet, dusting his hands together again even though he hadn't been touching me. He shot a glance up to Glenn on sentry duty, but he had his back to us in the chair atop Dale's van.

"What the hell was that? You wanna try that shit here? After everything that's happened to us all, you honestly thought we could be the same?" he hissed angrily.

I let out a bitter laugh, shaking my head. I knew it. "We got somethin' special, do we? Do we, Rick?" I said, grabbing his jaw in my hand and turning him to face me. I took a step towards him- taller, broader, imposing myself on him- but he shoved my hand away.

"You fuckin' meathead. We're livin' in a different world now. Sure, we got somethin' special! We got memories, and secrets that ain't never gonna get out, not if I can help it. Nothin' more- not here, not now."

He turned to stalk off, and I grabbed his arm- but this time I must've got to the end of his patience because he turned round and socked me one, right in the chin. I dropped his arm to clamp a hand to my jaw, reeling from the pain. I already felt the liquid warmth of blood seeping onto my fingers, and I tasted that distinctive metallic taste inside my mouth as I watched him walk away towards the tent that Lori had disappeared into.

"Hey, Shane!"

I looked up to see Glenn staring down at me from the RV, rifle in his hands. I climbed up to join him.

"Dude, are you alright? What was that about?" he asked, his face settling into its familiar mask of puzzlement.

"Leave it, Glenn," I said, spitting the blood from my mouth and snatching the rifle from him. "I'll take next watch."

He still looked confused; like he might argue, but he obviously decided against it and shrugged resignedly before climbing down and wandering to his tent. I sat down, watching him go, feeling the comforting weight of the gun resting in my lap. And finally, when I could see him no more, the tears that had long been threatening began to spill forth, cascading noiselessly down my cheeks as I stared into the dying embers of the fire.

I had already lost Rick once. I had given him up for dead, only to have him come back to me when I had lost all hope. I hadn't bet on losing him a second time… But as far as I could figure, that was exactly what I had just gone and done.