Prompt: Normally, straight as an arrow, Jane Shepard, is rather ambivalent about the asari. That changes. And this particular rendition is played up for laughs, so, don't be taking this seriously. Be warned, there are bad jokes, obscure lyrics, and meme references abound.

Naturally, after her resurrection Jane had felt apprehension for all of her missing squad members. Imagine her elation when she had found more than one of her old squad still up and about. Garrus and Tali, both dear and trusted friends, surrounded by Cerberus, gave her some much needed breathing room.

But Kaidan... to say Horizon had left her rather shaken was putting it mildly. And sweet, well-meaning Garrus had tried to pick up the slack, but she needed some time. On any other day, she would have been more than happy to accept his offer, but not now. Perhaps she would after she had let Kaidan go.

When she received the dossiers to retrieve the next two recruits on Illium, she was surprised and relieved to find Liara T'Soni, another one of her old squad, was active and working as an Information Broker.

It brought to mind the soft-spoken Barla Van. Yet, for some reason, she had a hard time imagining the timid, shy, and socially awkward asari archaeologist as anything else.

That opinion changed the moment she entered Liara's office.

"Pay me what you owe or else I will flay you alive," she says in a deeper, huskier voice, dripping with visceral emotion, "with my mind!" she ends in a manner that's almost sensual to Jane.

Lighting shot down Shepard's spine, her nervous system tingled with excitement, and, something she would never admit to anyone but Liara, she actually felt her body temperature rise to the point where she was sweating in her undies.

It would be the first metaphorical domino that would change Jane Shepard's mind about asari from that point on.

Jane figured the Asari mind meld space magic hoodoo thingies she experienced during her hunt for Saren must had done something to her.

Really. If she thought about it, she 'melded' with Shai'ira the Consort, Liara (twice), and Shiala.

It made Jane stop for a moment and seriously think about it.

She had banged asari more times than she banged Kaidan. That sounded so crude. Furthermore, she wasn't really all that interested in them. Sure, that time hearing Liara threaten her agent took her by surprise, but that was probably a one time thing.

At least, that what she hoped it would be. Because every time Liara came to mind, her thoughts would linger to that same event. Liara's husky voice saying the same thing, over and over again.

Sometimes it would come at the most inopportune moments.

"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!" Harbinger droned on as it transformed another Collector, but stopped as soon as Jane's sniper rifle relived it of its head.

I will flay you alive... with my mind...

Liara's voice would say during combat.

I will flay you alive... with my mind...

Oh... that wonderful, sensual, and intoxicating voice.

I will strip you bare and-

Alright, stop!

Where did that come from? Shepard wondered as she switched to her SMG and gunned down another drone. The question continued to bother her as Kaidan went on about how she didn't know something about something with something.

It was something. She couldn't remember.

All she could think of was that voice. The confidence, the fire, the danger, the adrenaline.

If she was asari, she'd be screaming, 'Oh, Goddess!' at this point. Because at the end of every memory, she would hear Liara cry to her, with that amazing new voice, in an air of desperation.

"Shepard!" she would say, then tear open that form fitting dress she wore to reveal nothing underneath, "Grab my breast!"

Confused, Jane would do so.

*Honk*

All of a sudden, everything was covered in rainbows, Liara would do that funky space melding magic, and Jane would be grinning like an idiot as her nose bled.

MINDSEX!

"Oof!"

Jane noted the cold floor was not as comfortable as the bed. A nice warm bed with a really attractive, and naked, asari-

Damn it!

Thank goodness for cold showers.

*ICE ICE BABY!*

QUEEN uses COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!

It's Super Effective!

When Kelly, considerate as always, informed her of a new message at her terminal, Jane was surprised when she discovered information that would give her an excuse to go back to Liara. For purely platonic reasons, of course. Platonic until it required the stripping of clothes and... No!

It took her a few minutes to consider the implications of going back to Nos Astra. Sure, there would be some awkward conversations between herself and Liara;

"So..." Jane said, before a pregnant pause would render her speechless. There were so many things that she could ask about. However, the conversation had run dry not long after she appeared.

"Hmhmm," Liara said, her hands steepled and her demeanor just as uncomfortable as Jane's.

"Pretty much," Jane replied after another minute of complete silence.

Both Tali and Garrus shifted uneasily behind them, screaming "Can we go, please?" with their gazes.

Even Nyxeris tried to keep herself busy without acknowledging the increasingly floundering conversation going on in her boss' office.

Jane shrugged it off. What could possibly go wrong?

Determined to get this over with as soon as possible, she marched to the head of the ship and declared in her most dramatic voice;

"Joker, you will turn this ship around and takes us back to Illium, or, so help me, your porn collection will not survive the night!"

To Jane's silent amusement, she never saw him more concentrated than he was at that moment when Shepard held the command to delete his private collection, reserves, and hidden stores of porn in her hand.

Hey there, I'm the plumber who's come to lay down some pipe!

*BOW CHIKA BOW WOW*

When Shepard revealed that she had information about the Shadow Broker, Liara's face lit up in ways that made Jane's heart go pitter-patter. Either that or she wanted to hold Doctor T'Soni close and tell her everything was going to be all right. All before she ripped off that dress and... bad, Jane! Bad!

Liara was excited at the prospect of rescuing a friend that had helped her save Shepard from the Collectors and the Shadow Broker. However, it was hard to not bristle at the notion of anyone else fraternizing with Liara the way she was thinking of fraternizing. It made her bristle even moreso when she had to remind herself which way she normally swung. For some reason, not even thinking of Jacob's sweet, sweet pecs was doing it for her.

Jane had to ask herself, why? It's not like she held any real attraction to the asari. On top of that, Liara was a friend, a squadmate, a confidant. Nothing more. Really! And yet, in the car ride, as they chased Tela Vasir, Jane couldn't banish a certain scenario.

Liara would lean over her the seat, Kasumi mysteriously absent, and whisper sensually into her ear...

"Truck," Liara noted as she held on for dear life.

"I know," Jane replied tersely as she tried to concentrate... on the images in her head. Image that were probably best kept for Jane's private time.

The archaeologist, turned info broker, would smirk that seductive smile of hers, crawl over the seat, and sit in her lap, and cover Jane's face with kisses as she spoke of many, many, sweet, lubricious nothings that drove Jane to distraction.

"TRUCK!" Liara yelled in mortal fear as the taxi barely missed the oncoming freight.

"I KNOW!" Jane shot back.

Now, where was she?

Liara would kiss her way up the side of her neck. Her breath, hot as flame and light as a feather, danced on her skin. Liara's hands roving places they normally would not have, which caused Jane to groan happily. Between kisses, she would say...

"TRUCK!" Liara screamed as she internally prayed to the Goddess more earnestly than she ever did in her one hundred and eight years of life.

"Again?" Jane replied, indignant as she barely dodged a huge freighter and ignored the sobbing Japanese woman in the backseat, promising anything to Buddha, Amaterasu, and the myriad of other Shinto gods to get her through this experience alive.

~Here's your TV Car Chase. It's the TV Car. Chase. Theme. Hah! Here's your TV Car Chase! Your TV Car Chase. Theme. Hah! Boogie! TV Car Chase!~*

Jane was rather annoyed by the time they reached the Normandy. And it wasn't just because she had to carry a blubbering Kasumi, who was on the verge of a mental meltdown after barely escaping death more times in such a single car ride.

No. It was the way Liara strode through the cargo bay of the Normandy.

Jane just couldn't keep her eyes off the way the short coat-tails of Liara's white uniform would swish to the left and then swish to the right.

Swag, Jane decided, Liara had it. She also noticed it after they had defeated Tela Vasir, but she was a bit distracted with the argument she had with the information broker about how much had changed between them.

Girl, you have no idea how much you have changed. Jane thought as she kept her eyes glued to the sight of Liara's hindquarters going to the elevator. It was a marvelous sight the way the asari strode with more confidence than the shy and awkward archaeologist she had rescued a few years ago. Granted, she didn't have as much swag as Samara did, but the Justicar did have half a millennium on the Maiden, so, Jane would give her a pass on that.

"Pass on what, Shep?" Kasumi said as she recovered some sense of coherency.

Jane paused, then looked to the asian woman, who blinked in confusion.

Shepard's eyes narrowed, "are you reading my thoughts?"

The thief balked. "Moi? Perish the thought. I always respect the privacy of others."

Jane wasn't so convinced. So, she placed the thief down and continued to stare at Liara's backside as the elevator took a mysteriously long time to reach the floor. Kasumi, faster than Jane gave credit for, smirked as though she had found where the metaphorical cookie jar was and activated her cloak. Just to be safe, she would add a few extra terabytes of space to her omni-tool for videos. And there would be videos.

~I'm a model, if you know what I mean, and I shake my little tush on the catwalk!~

When the old Shadow Broker's influence, and his few belongings, were disposed of, Liara began to practically pontificate about what it could do for Jane's war effort. So much, in fact, she almost began to sound like a power hungry villain from a Saturday morning vid.

Except Liara didn't laugh maniacally with her arms stretched above her head as lightning crashed behind her. Granted, the eezo shield generator would have worked, but Liara didn't have the laugh down yet.

Besides, Jane just bucked up and faced it. Sure, Liara's assistance would be most helpful, however, she wanted something else.

When she strode up to Liara, the asari blinked in surprise when Jane took her by the waist, "Oh, Shepard, what are you-"

Jane's mouth clamped over hers.

The asari maiden was caught by surprise. While it was true she harbored some feelings for the commander, to see her reciprocate it so suddenly and passionately was... exhilarating. Though, she began to wonder when she felt Shepard begin to remove her own armor, still amid a second round of oral combat.

When they finally separated, Liara's eyes went wide when she discovered Jane can completely stripped herself bare... and Goddess, it was beautiful. It also made the asari realized just how bad Shepard had it when she said, "Liara, you have me. And whatever you do, never stop!"

Liara had to make sure the doors were locked before Feron came back. However, she could have sworn she heard someone giggling in the shadows, but paid it no head as she and Shepard Embraced Eternity and more.

THE END

* = Search Youtube for the Mystery Science Theater Episode 0322: 'Master Ninja I'. Best hour and a half you'll ever spend. :)