So, hello, this is my new fic and I hope you like it! It will be focused mainly on Sakura and her depression and it will get a lot darker in future chapters. There won't be any official ships - they will change all the time, so I hope serious shippers do not get offended. I hope you enjoy! :)
Um, hello.. My name is Sakura Haruno. I am sixteen years old.. I am a student. I live with my mom and dad.. our house is pretty nice. I've got three friends - Naruto Uzumaki, who is the definition of crazy; Ino Yamanaka, who is basically a future supermodel and is so gorgeous that people literally do not notice me when I am standing next to her.. and finally, Hinata, a shy sweet girl, who isn't as close to me as Ino is but she's still a good friend. We mostly do homework together and she doesn't talk much, but neither do I and silence with her is comforting.
My life is pretty avarage. I have nothing to complain about, really - I mean, it seems good and I know there's people in this world who are literally dying to have it. But the thing is, I would rather die than have my life.. I would rather die than be me. I've always felt like that - unhappy, I don't even think I remember what happiness feels like anymore, it's just a distant memory from my childhood and I long to feel it again, but no matter what, I just can't. No matter what happens, I'm just not happy.
Most of the time I feel empty - I am too tired to get out of bed and do my chores, go to school.. just breathing is exhausting. Being alive and existing is exhausting. My family calls that being lazy and I'm fine with it most of the time.. maybe I am lazy. Maybe that's what's wrong with me after all. Though I would be so happy if I had the energy to do all the things I wanna do, like make my bed, clean my room, cook, go out with friends, meet new people, take dance classes.. But I can't do any of that. And then there's my other 'state' - sometimes I feel sad, desperate, angry and out of my mind. I cry until there's no more tears, I want to scream, I pray for everything to stop being shitty, I pray to feel happiness again.. until eventually I return to my empty state again.
But the thing that makes me feel the shittiest of all is that my life isn't even that bad. I have parents who love me (although I often convince myself that they don't and that they would be much happier if they had a daughter like Ino), I have a roof above my head, my parents have the money to buy me everything that I need and I still feel the need to cry about how shitty my life is. That makes me feel awful and guilty. There must be something wrong with my brain. I actually researched my simptoms and it turns out they're all the symptoms of depression and I should seek help, but I don't believe that. I am not depressed. Perhaps I really am a lazy, whiny teenager. Maybe it will all pass soon.
My alarm woke me up for yet another school day. I let out a groan and turned it off. The thought of getting up from this bed, going to school and having to deal with another day seriously made me want to cry. I began to wonder what was wrong with me and why did I have to be so goddamn lazy all the time, so I finally got up and went to the bathroom for my morning routine.. which consisted mostly of brushing my hair and trying to make it look somewhat decent, but it was way too short, flat and lifeless so I just put it in a ponytail so I wouldn't have to look at it, and putting clothes on - jeans, t-shirt and a jacket. Ino always said I had to try harder with my outfits but what was the point? It's not like I had the body for it. I mean, I was skinny, but that doesn't mean I have a good body. It was sloppy and I had kind of a tummy and just.. no. I didn't even bother with make up because I had no idea how to apply the damn thing and it wouldn't make me beautiful anyway.
After I went downstairs and had breakfast with my parents, it was finally time to leave. I went to school with Naruto and Hinata - the whole way we had to put up with Naruto's excited blabbering about how he was going to beat Sasuke at the upcoming soccer game. Hinata encouraged him from time to time and she couldn't stop giggling at his jokes, which were kind of stupid. However, for the Hyuuga everything that Naruto said was the most hilarious thing in the world.
We sat together at the school cafeteria - usually Ino joined us, but sometimes she was too busy sitting with the rest of the 'popular' kids and sometimes Naruto left us so he could sit with the guys. Basically I spent most time with Hinata because both of us didn't have any other friends and Naruto and Ino were quite popular. Right now, Naruto stayed with us because he still hadn't finished telling us about how he was going to beat Sasuke at the upcoming game.
Sasuke Uchiha. Just the mention of that name could make a few girls at this school faint - no doubt, he was the most popular, wanted boy here.. and I was no different from the rest in this case, since I was basically head over heels over him. But not because he was popular or because he was a good soccer player - I've liked him since we were kids and we were assigned a project to do together and we spent the whole day together and.. it just happened. I've had a crush on him ever since.. a very painful crush, because he never noticed me. But he could basically get any girl he wanted, so why would he get me?
"Heyyyy, losers!" a high-pitched voice interrupted my thread of thoughts.. and Naruto's talking which had started since we saw him. I looked up to see Ino, who sat next to me.
"Who are you calling a loser, Ino?" Naruto dramatically asked, pointing his finger at her "Can a loser beat Sasuke at the soccer game? No! Therefore I am not a loser and I'm gonna kick that boy's ass next week!"
"You? Beat Sasuke-kun's? I highly doubt that, Naruto." Ino provoced him, her pink lips forming a small smirk.
"Just watch, I will prove you and his stupid fangirls that-"
"Anyway, are you coming to Kiba's party tonight? I heard it's gonna be smashing, he's practically stashed with vodka and weed." Ino suddenly interrupted him, changing the subject to her favourite one - parties. Actually, her second favourite. The first would be boys.
"Of course I am." the Uzumaki said as if Ino was asking a stupid question. Well, she kind of was. When has Naruto ever missed a party? And what kind of a party would be if Naruto Uzumaki wasn't there? Well, I don't know, since I've never been to a party but I've heard a lot about them from Ino. It does sound crazy.
"And you girls?" curious blue eyes turned to me and Hinata. The Hyuuga simply shook her head, so Ino turned to me. "Sakura?"
"Um, no, why would I go?" I muttered as I decided to focus my attention on my sandwich. I have never ever been to party and I don't think I want to go. Loud music, a room full of horny teenagers plus lots of alcohol and drugs - how was that even considered fun?
"What else are you supposed to do on a Friday night, Sakura? Stay in the house, as usual? You should, like, go out more." Ino advised me and I frowned at her. I stayed in the house as usual every day because having to talk to people simply terrified me as I was too awkward to function, and not to mention that socialising was extremely exhausting and not something I was good at. However, I decided not to mention that.
"Yeah, Sakura-chan!" Naruto yelled excitedly which almost made me drop my sandwich. I still wasn't used to his loudness. "You should come! It's gonna be sooo fun! I've never seen you at a party before, you're missing out, 'ttebayo!"
"Everyone's gonna be there Sakura.. Me, Naruto, Tenten, who you know, Shikamaru, who you also know.. Sasuke, and lots of people, basically. You know most of them." Ino continued to beg me but a certain name didn't go unnoticed. I looked at her then at the other warily - Ino was the only person who knew about my crush on Sasuke. I didn't want anybody else knowing - one of my worst fears was humiliation. And of the best ways to avoid humiliation is.. you guessed it, isolation, which I was the best at.
"I.. don't know." I mumbled, still playing with my food.
"Right, you're coming. We're getting ready at my house because you can't wear any of your clothes to that party, because they're, well, horrible, I mean, no offense, but they're not.. suitable. Oh my god, Sakura, you're gonna look bangin' when I'm done with you! You're gonna look so good! Maybe even better than me.. If it's possible. Do you guys think that's possible? Is there a girl that's more attractive than me at school? Kiba once told me that I was the hottest girl in this school that's why he wanted to fuck me but I told him no way, because, like-"
And that's where I turned her off. Ino had the tendency to talk a lot and I mean a lot. But I couldn't complain because this way, all I had to do was listen to her (well, most of the time), nod, say "mhm" or "no way" from time to time and that was it. I didn't like talking and Ino loved it - we were opposites in many things and I guess the saying 'oppossites attract' is no lie, after all.
It took me a few minutes to realize that I should be worried- um, no, that I should be fucking terrified. I was going to a party. Ino would probably dress me like a hooker and that would get me attention and that was the last thing I wanted. People.. looking at me. Laughing at me. Most of them didn't even know I was and now, they would know me as the girl who embarrassed herself. How would I embarrass myself? Well, I don't know, but I was pretty sure I'd do it. That's what I always do, anyway. Humiliate myself.
School ended and Ino didn't even let me go to my house. We had to walk all the way to her house, accompanied by her friend Temari, who was also one of the popular girls. Temari didn't even acknowledge me - she didn't even look at me. Most people treated me like that and I should be used to it, but right now I was beginning to wonder if I was invisible or anything. Though, on the bright side, it's good that she didn't talk to me. I'd freak out, get nervous and say something stupid then.
Finally, we got to Ino's house. She lived just with her dad, but he was barely home because he was always busy with work. Being a single father was something hard.. and it times like these, I was at least grateful for my parents. I just wish they did a better kid.. I mean, how could two amazing people create such a pathetic creation like myself? Sometimes I wondered.
"We're going to make you bangable now." Ino declared as she began to take out some clothes from her wardrobe.
"Uh.. what?" I asked her awkwardly as I sat on her bed, but she simply ignored me.
Ino played some loud music which annoyed me, but I didn't say anything. I just stood on her bed and watched her as she walked around the room, getting out random clothes, shoes, jewellery and occassionaly, she would text someone on her phone. God, her phone. It never stopped beeping. How many people were texting her? Is that how it felt to be popular? Because I didn't want it. I can barely handle talking to one person, a constant beeping phone and a day full of social contact is something I couldn't do.
Ino offered me a few clothes but I declined all of them. They were either too short, to revealing, transparent and just.. not something I could wear. The blonde was getting annoyed with me and began to explain that I had to look hot at this party so that I wouldn't embarrass her, but little did she know that being my friend was enough of an embarrassment for her already. Finally, she agreed to let me keep my jeans on and just gave me a red tank top that I guess was supposed to be revealing, but thanks to my lack of boobs it didn't look the way it was supposed to look on me.
Ino began to undress so she could put on her clothes for the party too and my jaw just dropped. Not only she was skinny as hell, her body was toned, she had a nice, toned butt and she had boobs. She was skinnier than me and her boobs were bigger. I couldn't help but despise girls who were 'gifted'. I used to be bullied for my flat chest so I guess it was a hurtful subject for me. But seeing how amazing Ino looked with her amazing body and her long, silky blonde hair and her shining blue eyes made my self-esteem drop even lower.. and I didn't know that was possible.
Ino had on a black crop top that showed off her cleavage and stomach, extremely short skirt and black high heels. Her long blonde hair was up in a high ponytail as usual. I was wearing my jeans who were a size too big for me, Ino's red tank top that couldn't be seen because I put my jacked over it and my sneakers. Great, so she looked like a supermodel and I looked like someone from a back to school commercial.
A few minutes later some of Ino's friends came to pick us up. At the front seat were Shikamaru, who was driving and Choji. At the backseat were Neji, Tenten and two other guys, who I didn't know, but later I heard that their names were Hidan and Deidara. They looked older than us and I've never seen them before, but it turns out they just weren't from our school. There wasn't enough space in the car so Hidan suggested that Ino sits on his lap and she aggreed. None of them bothered to look at me. I was awkwardly squished between Hidan and Tenten, who by the way was the only one who tried to pick a conversation with me, but my answers were way too plain so the conversation just died. I couldn't hold a conversation for my life. I began to feel anxiety take over me. Next to me, Hidan and Ino wouldn't stop moving and messing around because apparently he was trying to kiss her and she pushed him away and couldn't stop giggling.
Finally, we arrived to Kiba's house where the party was so all of us got ouf ot the car. I felt my heart beat faster and faster with every step. I could her the loud music more and more. Finally, we got in the house and a suffocating air full of smoke hit me and I coughed. It didn't seem to bother the others, but I crunched my nose in disgust. There were people dancing, running around, smoking, playing drinking games. I saw Hidan buy Ino a drink, but then they were approched by Kiba, who also happened to like Ino, so I guess a problem would rise. I wonder what it felt like to be wanted, to be that pretty, popular girl that everybody wanted. To be complimented every day, to get good morning and goodnight texts, to have boys literally fight for your attention. Well, I guess I wouldn't know.
I saw Naruto but he was quickly distracted by the other boys, who were his squad or something. They began to yell and jump which kind of stressed me out, because they resembled a zoo to me right now. I poured some coke because there's no way I'd drink anything alcoholic. I searched for Ino with my eyes and finally I saw her, doing shots of tequila with a bunch of guys. My gaze then went to search for Naruto, who was dancing like an idiot, trying to find some girl to dance with, but they all went away from him. I let out a small laugh as I took another sip of my soda. I took a sit on the couch, isolated from everyone. That was going to be a long night.
And then I saw him walk in. He was so fit and gorgeous I almost dropped my glass. He had some redhead following him, trying to get his attention - Karin Uzumaki. I knew her because she was Ino's friend and also one of the most popular girls. Also, she didn't seem to like me because on some occassions she had made fun of me, but of course Ino stopped her.
I saw that Sasuke was drinking a lot - he always refilled his glass and quickly drank it, almost like a shot, only that it wasn't supposed to be a shot. He began to dance with Karin - she was grinding on him and he had his hands travel around her body, starting from her stomach, up to her breasts and sliding down to her hips. The sight was painful, to say the least. It made me feel like I had something stuck in my throat and I felt like something was burning inside of me. Jealousy. I was so bitter and jealous because I wasn't pretty. Maybe if I was pretty my life would be different. I would have friends, I would have Sasuke.. I would have everything.
I desperately needed some fresh air so I went outside. There were a few people smoking cigarettes and some who were just drunk and were chasing each other and running around and doing God knows what, but it was mostly peaceful. More peaceful than inside the house, that's for sure. I cursed myself for agreeing to come with Ino. She had ditched me but could I blame her? She had twenty boys right there who wanted her attention, why would she bother to stay with me? Right now I wanted to be home, in my comfy warm bed, watching a movie and eating junk food. That was my definition of having fun. I really wanted to be normal, like the other girls, I really wanted to have fun and talk to people and go to parties and be a social butterfly but I couldn't.
I let out a sigh as I sat on the stairs, wrapping my arms around my legs and resting my chin on my knees. Thinking about myself made me want to cry, so I decided to stop it. I would just think of random stuff.. Suddenly, at the corner of my eye I saw someone sit down next to me. I looked to see who it was and I was so surprised I felt myself jump a little a move away from the certain person. It was Sasuke. Sasuke was sitting next to me. I wondered if he realized what he was doing because he seemed to be quite drunk.
"Sasuke-kun.." I mumbled, unsure if I should even be talking to him.
"Hm?" he questioned, without even turning to me.
"Are.. you okay?" I asked him, feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I felt the anxiety take over me again. My palms were sweaty and my mind was racing - I was talking to him, I really was talking to him! God, what do I say? What if I make a fool out of myself?
Sasuke mumbled something which I couldn't understand. He was trying to get up from his place but apparently it was hard for him to do so, so he put an arm around me for support and that was the end of me. I was legit freaking out now. The place he touched was burning. I was burning, I was probably as red as a tomato now. I wrapped an arm around his waist for support and tried to help him get up with the other, when suddenly I felt something pull my hair so hard, I fell back. My back hit the hard ground and I let out a scream from the pain.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing with my boyfriend, you stupid bitch?" I opened my eyes and I saw a furious redhead yell at me. Karin.
"No, it's not like that! I was-"
"Shut the fuck up, I don't need to your excuses!" Karin yelled once again as she kicked me hard in my ribs and I curled in a ball. "Stop stuffing your flat tits in Sasuke's face, you whore!" she basically screeched as she spit on me and began to kick me a few more times. All I could do was cover the back of my head with my hands and let myself be her punching bag. The pain was unbearable at this point but there was nothing I could do. Finally, she pulled my hair again and lifted my head off the ground, making me face her. I cried in pain and grabbed her wrist, trying to stop her but it had no use.
"Do you hear me?" she hissed.
"It's not like that I swear-"
"Do you fucking hear me, you brainless slut?"
"I- Yes!" I finally cried out and she let me go, my head hitting the ground.
I didn't get up off the ground, I don't know if I couldn't or I simply didn't want to. I remained in my position and let the tears I was holding flow out until they turned into sobs.