It was an endless cycle of regret, guilt and heartbreak; stretches of days fading into one another as her heart beats but never feels.
All the things that she'd change if she could only rewind back to then. She still remembers, vividly, unfortunately, the beginning of the end; knows that a large part of what unfolded was undoubtedly her fault. Oh, how she wished that they could let this go.
It's impossible for him though.
She doesn't know if she'll ever stop apologizing for this.
It was a silly little gossip she heard from the rumor mill; a whisper through the grapevine. She should have never listened to it, of course.
They trusted each other after all; that was how they agreed to this in the first place. Swept up in their fantasies as they clung to the hope that perhaps, absence does make the heart grow fonder.
It was foolish, but she had been blinded by the promise of her happily ever after. Things had been so awful before that she had allowed herself to hope that maybe, maybe, this was where the odds were in her favor. She was invested in them; ready to do her utmost best in making it work.
That was then; this is now.
He had been away for almost two months when that rumor made its way to her. She had been doing just fine then, although in the beginning there were several hiccups; times when she was struggling to cope with his absence.
At least they were still in touch; his phone calls, without fail, being the highlight of her day. His laughter booming down the line, wiping off that permanent scowl and coaxing that rare smile out of her. It's nothing compared to having him there beside her of course, but a slice of bread was always better than none.
His Skype-self never did the real him any justice though, or maybe that was just the horrible lighting in his room.
She missed him all the time.
But that was nothing compared to the gaping hole in her heart now.
She supposes the largest obstacle in a long distance relationship would be fighting against your insecurities.
It was no easy feat, silencing the voices in your head that keep telling yourself that he'll probably find someone better, or maybe you'll hold a smaller piece of his heart day by day.
Somehow, she survived it for fifty six long and agonizing days spent throwing herself at work. It was tiring as hell, but it worked.
Unfortunately, it wasn't a good enough strategy to combat the onslaught of insecurities that the rumor brought.
The rumor - or should she say rumors? - came in parts and pieces.
They all had a recurring theme, infidelity.
She trusted him with all her heart without a doubt. She isn't a complete lovesick fool though. She knows that the heart is prone to mistakes.
She never meant to listen to the rumors; it was definitely not her intention to believe it.
The walls that she had painstakingly built up around her chipped away, bit by bit, with every rumor that was whispered in her ear. The ring on her fourth finger helped to serve as a reminder, anchoring her to reality, even though it seemed that it wasn't the same for him.
The first day that she didn't pick up his call was the day Leevy sent her those pictures.
Even in this day and age where the manipulation of pixels is child's play with Photoshop, she couldn't fathom why someone would go to such lengths to break their trust. The picture was unbelievably realistic, portraying him with his arms around a blonde girl who was definitely not her, their lips pressed together.
She's not even sure how to put it in words – did someone rip her heart out? The ache in her chest should not be physically possible.
Although it pains her to go a day without hearing his voice, she left the phone ringing in fear that she'd either scream at him or break down in tears.
Katniss Everdeen doesn't do tears.
Cold shoulders were her thing though, and that went on for one, two, three more days until she concluded that she'd probably calmed down enough to talk to him rationally. Four days was enough time for her to change the locks to her heart – just in case. Enough time for her brain to be back in business.
At this point, he was frantic. There was never a day in their eight-year relationship that went by without hearing the other's voice. Even when they fought – which was quite often – they'd simply pummel each other with words; inflicting wounds that healed when the sun rose the day after.
That was how he knew that there was something majorly wrong here.
He knew her too well.
She tried her best to explain the situation as calm as she could. He knows how horrible she is with words, knows how much it takes for her to do this.
Still, he rebutted everything she said as she knew he would.
She wasn't even that angry anymore really, just resigned. So damn tired of being apart that she just wants him here for her to push away and hold tight.
Even if the rumor had been true, she was willing to give him a second chance. She wasn't going to let some stupid blonde chick ruin their marriage for nothing.
Like she said, she was invested in them.
She should have known that convincing her through the phone wouldn't have been enough for him.
She didn't expect him to actually do something about it though; he was hundreds of miles away. She never saw it coming, even when she knew he had this weird thing for grand romantic gestures.
That was the soft side of Tall, Dark and Handsome, reserved for his loved ones.
Sometimes she wishes she had never listened to that rumor. The one time she perked her ears to the town gossip and this was where it got her.
On the darker days she would dream of a life where she had never let him accept that business offer in the first place, just to keep him safe here in her arms.
The darkest days would have her wishing they had never tied the knot, or that they had never met. Maybe that way, it wouldn't hurt as much.
She doesn't know if she'll ever forgive herself though.
She would take back those four days of not talking to him if she had known that after, she wouldn't be able to talk to him forever.