As I sat there in the water and stared at Boyd, I didn't care that I was only getting even more soaked than I already was. What did that matter? Boyd was dead. He'd died because of me, because I was too weak, too stupid to realize what was happening.
If I'd noticed, then maybe I'd have been smart enough to realize I should shift back to my human form. Their objective was to force me to kill one of my own, without my claws that wouldn't have happened. With my human form there were no claws.
Maybe they'd have killed him themselves if I'd done that, I don't know. I'll never know. All I know is that right now, as it stands, he's dead because of me. Because I'm a horrible, weak, stupid alpha. I was never meant to be an alpha. Whatever is or was cosmically responsible for me becoming one, Fate, Destiny, Mother Luna, Goddess Selene, whoever, whatever, it, they...were wrong.
I do nothing but screw up and get people killed. My own betas. Erica, because I was too slow and stupid to find them in time. Boyd, because I was too stupid and inattentive to realize what was going on right in front of me.
Right then, as I sat there and stared at Boyd's lifeless body and thought of his last words, that it was alright, that it was all worth it just to feel the pull of the full moon...I wasn't sure how much of what he said was truth and how much of it was just to comfort me in his last breath. And it doesn't matter, because Boyd is too young to be dead. Erica is too young to be dead. And they'd both still be alive right now if it weren't for my incompetence as an alpha.
Everything else had long since faded into the background, inconsequential noise and scents. I was distantly aware that they were there, and the fact that others would die too was the only reason that I didn't wish for the power to come back on right at that moment, to let electricity finish the job The Powers That Be should have let happen in that fire that killed all but three other members of my family.
I wasn't expecting to be jolted back by a hand on my shoulder. I should have been angry that someone had interrupted my self-pitying mourning over Boyd, but I wasn't. Because I recognized that scent, that touch, the electricity of a different sort that it sent through me.
Comfort and affection in a measure, a dose, that was still distant enough to allow me to take the time I needed, as much as I wanted, but still know that I wasn't alone. However much I might have deserved to be alone, Stiles wasn't going to let that happen. But, he wasn't going to get in my way, either.
It was the sort of quiet comfort that I needed, even if I didn't - and still don't - think I deserved. Stiles isn't the silent type, but he is very intuitive when he wants to be. He knew what I needed and he gave it to me. Without hesitation, without a worry as to what I might do.
I suppose we'd long since moved past that fear he used to have of me, that caution, after everything this past summer. We're comfortable around each other now, even if we pretend not to be. We're a bit more than just comfortable, but we won't admit it out loud either.
And maybe we don't need to admit that out loud. We probably aren't fooling anyone. Even though I won't admit it out loud, I'm beyond grateful he showed up when he did, just when I needed his reassuring and comforting presence, the way he knows just what to do for me when it's that important.
It's good that he doesn't make me say it, either. That no one else has bothered to either of us on it.
Actions speak louder than words, anyway.