Our Tragic Universe
Prompt: Scarlett Thomas – Our Tragic Universe
Nothing.
That was what she felt. Nothing. But that wasn't completely true. She did feel something; a tendril of guilt was lurking just beneath the exterior along with pain and sadness but mostly guilt. She wanted it to go away but every time she saw him or walked past that room, it sprang up again. Into the back of her mind niggling through all her thoughts like a disease.
She didn't know when the thoughts, the guilt, the empty nothingness would be gone but she knew they would stick around for weeks, months to come even. The hole she found herself in now seemed to be getting bigger, with no end in sight.
She was standing at the door, on the threshold of the soft pink and green room. Looking around the pristine nursery she felt tears prick her eyes. She remembered when they had finally finished the nursery, a couple of weeks ago. They had everything ready, except for the crib. It had still been sitting in a box, waiting to be assembled 3 weeks before their baby was due to be born. Derek had come home to find her
putting it together by herself and doing a horrible job at it. He had joked at the time that it wasn't fit for a mouse to sleep in let alone his baby girl. Nonetheless he had put the crib together properly, with minimal help from her.
Emily felt dizzy just remembering the events of a few weeks ago and how happy they had been and compared it to now. She hadn't spoken to Derek since that day at the hospital; she just didn't know what to say. She had been hysterical, she had just lost their baby daughter, the most precious thing in both their lives and she hadn't even been able to look after her properly before she had even been born. She let out a quiet sob as she imagined his face when the doctors had told him what happened. She had already fallen into the mind numbing abyss of nothingness by the time he had gotten there but the look on his face, he had been utterly heartbroken. Derek hadn't even been able to look at her and she knew then and there he blamed their daughter's death on her. She couldn't he angry with him either, she blamed herself too. If only she hadn't stressed so much. If only she had gone on maternity leave when the doctor had suggested it. If only she had tried harder. There were so many 'if only's' and 'what if's' that could have happened but really it had all been down to her, she was that babies
sole provider, protector for nine months and she was so useless she hadn't even been able to do that right.
The thoughts overwhelmed her, a wave of emotions crashing down on her making her unsteady on her feet. She grabbed for the wall, trying to steady herself from her inner turmoil. She pressed her back firmly to the wall, tears making pale tracks across her cheeks as she slid down the wall bringing her knees up to her chest. She was so overcome with grief, with guilt, with pain she didn't know if it would ever go away or if it would always be there, a constantly deadly reminder of how she had failed as a
Mother, as a wife. She didn't think she could handle that, having to live with the knowledge of that ever present failure.
With her hand resting absently on her stomach she wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there staring blankly the opposite wall. When the sky outside started to change from the bright blue of the day and started fading into the dusky pink and orange hues and then into midnight blue and black she hadn't moved from her spot, instead a figured appeared beside her in an attempted at being a comforting presence.
She wasn't sure why he would want to sit there with her, a baby killer twice over, when he could be mourning separately, away from the woman who took his daughter from him. But he did, he sat with her silently, not disturbing her or trying to get her to interact in anyway. He knew by know it was useless, she wasn't going to talk, to him or anybody else.
Derek Morgan sighed; he had gone to work today against his better judgement. The team knew what had happened and Hotch had told him to take a few weeks off, stay with Emily, grieve. A week spent at home with nothing to take his mind off the pain or ease it and he had been overcome and stricken with guilt. He had watched as every day Emily had numbly walked around the house, trying to avoid the nursery at all costs. Her eyes were blank, soulless, lifeless pits of never-ending darkness. He had tried to comfort her, he had really tried but she had shrugged him off. She hadn't wanted to be touched and it had made him feel even guiltier.
He should have been there when she was rushed to hospital, he should have been there when they had induced her labour because it was the only way to get the baby out, he should have been there when she had held their daughters small still body in her arms but he hadn't. He had been away on a case and that was what killed him the most, he hadn't been there through all of that. He didn't know what it felt like, he could only ever imagine and he didn't want to.
When he had arrived at the hospital they had already taken the baby away, Audrey, he reminded himself. Audrey was their daughter's name, they'd decided on it just before he had gone away on that case. When he had rushed into her hospital, she had been lying down on her side, her arm resting tragically on her stomach, her eyes staring blankly ahead. He hadn't known what to say, he had still been in shock but the look in her eyes, the expression on her face had been too much and when she looked up at him he hadn't even been able to look her in the eyes.
He had felt guilty, so guilty about not being there with her that when he had gone to hold her hand, the one not resting on her stomach, and she pulled away slightly, closing her eyes his guilt had only amplified.
He found her sitting in the nursery when he got home. She hadn't acknowledged him, he wasn't even sure if she knew he was there. He sat beside her though, trying to be a comforting presence even if she didn't know he was there. He wanted to know what was going on in that head of hers, wanted to know what she was thinking about. He wanted her to talk to him but he knew it was useless, she wasn't going to talk, to him or anybody else.
AN: I honestly have no idea where this came from. It's kind of angsty and sad and yeah. I don't know if I'll continue it or not but I'm definitely feeling this universe though. I've wanted to write something like this for a while now. Anyway please review, let me know what you think. CT. :)