It's a Love-Hate Thing
"James, please don't come any closer. I don't think I could stand it."
He froze in his tracks. This wasn't going well. He'd come here with a goal on his mind. He had something to accomplish, and so far two things were keeping him at bay: her, and his own twisted thoughts.
"What do you mean, Lily?" he questioned uneasily.
"I'm tripping over my thoughts over here," she confessed. Brushing her bright red hair over her left shoulder was one of the traits he recognized. She always did that too much when she was nervous. She was nervous a lot around him. Why?
"Me too," he agreed. There was no denying it.
She narrowed her gaze at him. What was he playing at? He knew she hated him. He knew that whatever he wanted he wasn't going to get. There was nothing he could offer that she would take him up on. Nothing in the world. Except maybe his heart. God this was messed up.
She gulped down her uneasiness. "You too?"
"Always," he admitted. "Always when I'm around you; it's like I can't avoid it Lily."
Her breathing came in quick but hidden pants. She wouldn't let him see she was unsettled by his presence. It was something she'd worked at for years. She didn't want him near her. But she wanted him closer than anyone else at the same time. "Don't say things like that," she turned her back on him but she knew he wouldn't go away. He never did. It was her curse. And gift.
Her back left his eyes free to wander over her form. When she was staring him in the face it was like being barreled over by a freight train. All air escaped his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He could barely stand here now. "Please, don't walk away," he managed to utter.
She turned but didn't look at him. "Why did you come here James?"
He laughed. She grimaced. She hated it when he laughed at the things she was trying to be perfectly serious about.
"Do you really have to ask those kinds of questions?" he asked then, his face twisting as if in serious pain. Why was he suffering?
"How else do we figure this out? Why do you keep coming around? Why can't you stay out of my life?" her voice rose and she took an involuntary step forward.
She was getting worked up. He could see that. She was fiery. It was probably one of the biggest things he loved about her. She never gave up. She fought back. His heart slamming into his chest and his on temper sputtered to life.
"I could ask you the same thing?" he yelled. "You need to just butt out. You're always here, Lily." He touched his fist to his chest above his heart. They were toe-to-toe now. "You need to figure out a way to just disappear from my life."
"Believe me," she said, "I've been trying. You do not know how hard I've been trying to make you disappear. But you're not helping it any!" She let out a heavy sigh and glared at him. He didn't know if she was looking at him or through him. There was always something whimsical with her looks. It never happened except when she was—he thought—looking at him.
"What would you have me do?" he asked her earnestly. "Would you have me stay away permanently?"
"Yes."
"Would you have me ignore my every thought and feeling towards you?"
She breathed out the answer. "Yes."
"Would you have me walk away now without telling you exactly what I came here to say?"
She hesitated. The answer was small but audible. "Yes."
Like an arrow in the heart he stopped dead in his tracks. Mental tracks anyway, for he hadn't really been moving before, just thinking in a straight line. He thought it would be so easy. Tell her, tell her everything he'd ever felt for her. But, he guessed things were rarely that easy. Most especially when it came to wrestling with the colossal opponent he was up against; love.
He took a step back and Lily lurched forward with her mouth open. She wanted to reach out and catch him by the tie. She only just stopped herself from doing so. She wanted to yell "Stop! Don't go," but she couldn't find the nerve. He had her upside-down and sideways ten six ways from Sunday. Instead she just stood there watching him take step after step away from her.
But with each step her heart tightened around whatever it was inside her that held James there. It was illogical, it was unethical. How could she be damned to love this man when he simply infuriated her? How could the world be that cruel?
He was ten feet away. He thought she'd follow. He never turned from her. He couldn't bear the thought. He would see her from this moment onwards as just Lily. That was what she was forcing him to do. No longer would she be Lily Evans with whom he had a future. She would never be Lily Evans in his arms. And she would never be Lily Evans in a white veil about to become Lily Potter. He felt like crying. But like a man, he never would. Never in front of the woman he had loved.
She looked confused. He could see it on her face. Indecision. It was holding her back. This made him stop. He stood fifteen feet away. He decided he would go no further. She was lying to herself. He could see it in her eyes.
"You don't want me to leave," he whispered almost to himself.
But he knew she'd heard him. She blinked, once, twice, and then shook her head slowly. "No," she whispered back.
She stared at him from a distance and wondered what was to become of them? What was to become of this twisted, toxic thing that bent and shaped their lives? The funny thing was that there were two sides to every story. They hated each other. She could see her life go on without him. She could clearly envision herself hating him for the rest of their lives and never giving him a second thought after that. But they also loved each other. She felt it instinctively. So she saw a life with him. Argument after argument. Painful words flickering back and forth. But that sight was mixed in with passionate kisses, longing embraces, and nights filled with pleasure that she couldn't dare to comprehend. Something more expected turned up in that image; happiness. She would never have guessed that she could be happy with James but it was there in front of her in those visions of her future. There was a life stretched out down each of those roads. The problem was which one did she pick?
She'd already told him she didn't want him to leave. Did that mean she wanted him to stay? A part of her screamed YES, and it was the more prominent part, but then there was the resounding NO that was softer but more certain.
She shook her head free of these warped images and feelings and stepped back without having realized he'd taken a step forward. He stopped dead.
Was she having second thoughts he wondered? She didn't look like she knew anything at the moment. He ventured a guess that she would never know entirely what she wanted. He would just have to show her what she wanted. He knew what he wanted. He would rather fight with Lily Evans for the rest of his life than see her walk away from him, or push him away. He simply didn't want to leave.
He strode forward and was toe-to-toe with her once again. Her breath caught in her throat and he could almost hear the thump, thump of her heart as it pound against her ribcage. He gently put his one hand on her hip and the other to her face, cupping her cheek. He lazily let his thumb graze over her bottom lip as it dropped open for her to exhale a soft wisp of sweet breath. He leaned his head forward until they were forehead to forehead.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said against her cheek. His lips grazed her cheekbone, her eyelids fluttering as she closed her eyes to better savor this moment. When would this ever happen again? She was still determined to believe there was no future, despite seeing the choices laid out for her on a silver platter. She didn't have to choose heartache. She didn't want to choose heartache. But could she really choose him? James Potter was reckless. He was dangerous. He was arrogant, conceited, snobbish, ignorant…wonderful, charming and irresistible. And he said he wasn't leaving. There was hope in that wasn't there?
His lips moved to the corner of hers and she exhaled again as a shiver ran down her spine. He pulled her closer until they were chest to chest. She felt as if the whole world was spinning. She didn't know which way was up and which was down. All she knew was that her feet were on some solid ground somewhere, and James Potter's arms were currently wrapped around her in some way.
She started to shake her head. "James…" The protest had barely left her mouth when she was silenced.
The kiss was exquisite. There was no feeling in the world that came close to comparing with the greatness of kissing Lily Evans. He'd felt it from the very first day they'd met. His arrogance had held him back so long. Only now did he feel he finally deserved this. He deserved Lily. He wanted her more than anything. Now kissing her was the end-all be-all of human existence. There was no going back now. Even if she pushed him back now and told him to leave then and there he would never be able to take that kiss back. It was ingrained in his mind long before he'd ever kissed her and long before he'd stopped kissing her. He'd kissed an angel and landed among the heavens.
She'd been shaken off her foundation, as if she were a house. She swayed in the non-existent wind and rocked back and forth like a boat on wild surf. She'd been sucker-punched in the gut and no longer remembered what it felt like to breathe. What was her name again? All she knew were those lips—his lips—and the feeling of ecstasy that wrapped her in a warm cocoon.
Her eyes shuttered open and she looked up into his eyes. Brilliant blue and entirely too enticing at the moment. She could lose herself in such a stare. She'd done it many times before. She wouldn't be able to remain standing if she didn't look away from his current look. The love shining out of those eyes was intoxicating.
"James…" her voice was hoarse. She looked…unhinged was the only word he could come up with. The thought of Lily Evans unhinged made the corners of his mouth turn up slightly. It was about time she let loose a little. She cleared her throat then. "James, what…I…I can't think of anything to say." A small smile tried to light her face.
His smile grew. Lily, speechless, was also a first. He wanted to experience all his future firsts with her, if she'd let him. "Lily, you always have something to say," he teased lightly.
Her one eye closed as she made a face, "Ugh, I know. I can't think straight. Why did you have to kiss me again?"
He knew the answer to that one. "Because you wanted me to."
"I did?"
"Yes, Lily, you very much wanted me to kiss you. You have for a long time."
For a second he thought he'd broken through. He thought she would take him in his arms again and thank him endlessly for making up her mind. But if he knew one thing about Lily it was that she would always surprise him. He was taken aback when she brought up her hands and shoved him hard. He staggered back.
"Don't tell me what to think, Potter," she said firmly, pointing an indignant finger at his chest. "I think for myself. I always have and always will. Kissing me doesn't change anything."
He couldn't help himself from smiling. She was so adorable when she was fired up. He'd always thought so. Dazed and aroused was one thing, a look he'd only just become familiar with, but fired up with that blazing red hair was a sight he completely adored. He stepped towards her again. "I know you think for yourself Lily. But you're going to have to decide to let me in sometime."
"What makes you think I have to let you in?" she almost stuttered over her words. It probably had something to do with the fact her heart had leapt to her throat and her stomach had dropped to her knees. Her organs were thinking logically. Heck, her brain wasn't even thinking logically.
"Because you won't let me walk away, and I won't leave without a damn good reason."
She gulped loudly and her heart repositioned itself to where it was supposed to be. She mentally told her insides to behave. They did as they were told. All except for the butterflies swirling around in her stomach; they simply would not listen. A deep sinking feeling crushed those butterflies however when she realized why they weren't going away. He was right. It was so blatantly obvious. The minute she admitted it to herself was the minute her stomach calmed down, the second her breathing regulated, and the millisecond her heart slowed to a reasonable tattoo.
She took one step towards him and fisted her fingers through his jet-black, untidy hair all in one movement. She hooked her other arm around his neck and a bright smile spread over his face. She couldn't resist. She smiled back. "James." It wasn't confused. It wasn't hesitant. It was confident. It was firm. His name was set in stone, and she knew exactly where he belonged. Right beside her.
She took all that firm confidence and kissed him. She kissed him with all she had. She surrendered everything in that moment.
James smiled into the kiss she thrust on him. Not that he was complaining. There was nothing in the world like the sight of Lily unhinged. She was unhinged and in his arms, which made the feeling twice as sweet.
Now, the old James would have gloated. He would have flaunted the victory. But instead he felt his defenses and offenses and whatever arrogant thoughts that were floating around in his head evaporate. He would give her this victory. He would let her win. He didn't want to cause a fight right off the bat. She had stolen his heart right from the start. He was wrapped around her little finger.
The kiss ended. She'd ceased to pull him into her. She held him still, but with less urgency than before. She didn't open her eyes either. She heard her name be whispered once and a light feather-like kiss brushed across her lips.
When she finally opened her eyes they were glowing. He'd never seen them glow like this before. She laughed lightly stealing his breath away. "I love you, Lily Evans," he said.
Her pink tongue swept over her rosy lips and she replied, "I love you, too, James Potter."
It was like music to his ears. There was nothing sweeter than this moment. He wagered that life didn't get much better.
Her eyes were laughing at him. He raised an eyebrow.
Her smile didn't falter. There was no reason to doubt it now. She was never meant to live a life without him. He was a fate she had started to avoid from day one. He was the destiny she didn't want but needed desperately. "Oh and James…"
"Yes Lily?"
"Just for the record…I still hate you."
"Don't tell me to leave and you can hate me all you want. I might even hate you back. Deal?"
She laughed as he picked her up by the waist and swung her around. "Deal."
~THE END~