A/N (A different writing style for this one. The beauty is stripped away... It is what it is...not sure if this is the end)
It is what it Is
"Aaron just leave it" Jackson said monotonously, sighing inwardly.
"No, it's alright, it won't take a second" reaching to pick up the cloth.
"Aaron please" frustration now arising.
"Jackson, stop complaining and let me do it" Inching closer to the bed.
"I just..." Jackson stopped talking, he was interrupted by the material, sweeping over his chin, wiping away the mess.
This wasn't his life anymore.
He was a puppet, controlled by its masters, unable to contribute any say into what he wants. Not only do they feed him, wash him, dress him, they now think for him, on occasions even talk for him.
It was like he wasn't a real person.
"There, good as new, now that wasn't so hard now was it?" Aaron said teasingly, trying his best to ignore the sadness behind Jackson's hazel eyes, feeling it's the best for everyone's sake that he stays blind to it.
"Cheers" Jackson whispered, his eyes now closing, closing himself off from Aaron, the world, himself even.
It's all he can do, they never listen to a word he says anymore.
Like now, Jackson can hear the clinking of two cups being placed on the work top. Aaron never even asked him if he wanted a drink!
Pretending to be asleep was all he was good at now, Jackson made it look seamless. Hazel usually left him alone when she thought he was taking a nap. But Aaron, Aaron sometimes watched him sleep, annoying the hell out of Jackson. Aaron did it because, he thought it was expected of him, the right thing to do in a strange way. To stand guard, and protect his broken boyfriend.
However, Jackson soon got used to feeling his blue eyes on him. It now rarely interfered with his daydreams of being someone else, or dead.
Go to work, ignore Adam's pleas to go on a night out, listen then walk away when mum tells me to spend time away from Jackson, go and spend time with Jackson, tell him I want to hang out with him, tell him he is stupid to think I am only here out of guilt, hold his lifeless hand. Tell him everything will be alright, that I'm here, that I am not going anywhere. Touch his face, kiss his lips swiftly, massage his head, the only place he can feel me. Hope today will be the day he is happy, just for a day, an instant, a moment.
Watch a film with him, wrap my arm around his motionless shoulder, act contented, engross myself in the film, laugh in all the right places, but not for long, and not too much, to avoid suspicion. Tuck him into bed, even though it is pointless as he will never feel the cold, kiss him goodnight, tell him I will see him tomorrow. Walk home, lie to myself, force a smile to my lips, tell myself this is all I have ever wanted, all that I will ever need, that I am happy, become the great pretender they want me to be, who I need to be.
Close the front door, say hello to paddy, tell him I had a good time, and that things couldn't be better, everything is great, knowing the day is about to end.
Shut my bedroom door. Curl up on top of my bed, remember Hazel's plea to hold on, just hold on until Jackson accepts his future, it could be any day now. Try to block out the fact she has been saying that for the past 6 months. Before closing my eyes, forgetting the events of the day.
Letting my mind wander, to wonder of the life that could have been if Jackson never tried to answer my call. Then think of the life I could have chosen, the life I could be living if I would have taken Jackson's escape. The endless amounts of partying, alcohol, sex, numbing the pain in my heart for the man who does not exist anymore, until the repetition of having fun registers in my brain, until I no longer have to pretend anymore, because time, would make the smile appear on my face without me putting it there, it would emerge naturally.
Then the guilt will set in, my selfishness of wanting to break free from it all, messing with my head, making the tears fall down my face. That's when I pray to god, who I don't even believe in, to give me strength, to get me through the next day, to send me an angel to come into my life, heal my head then take off. Helping me to deal with the man I am now, and the path I have chosen.
I hear Paddy calling my name, telling me it's time to get up for work, then I realise...
I haven't even started my day yet, but I know the beginning, middle and end of it. Because this is my routine now, I have been doing this for months!
"Erm, I'm not sure, I think it's, day 213.
To be honest, this video diary is the only thing that's keeping me sane. You're the only thing I can talk to, how sad is that?
So today...was fish and chips night. That's about the only highlight.
Joe couldn't come in today as he has a bit of flu, so Aaron gave me a bed bath.
He tried to distract me, himself even, by talking about his day. Telling me how many cars he had finished working on, telling me their faults and flaws and approximately how long it took him to fix each one.
I hate cars.
He knows I hate cars
I just, I wasn't even angry with him. Because I knew he was panicking, trying to fill the silence. I just, looked at him talking, trying my best to not hear the nerve nous, the awkwardness in his voice.
It was one of those moments, when I would put my arms around him and sooth him softly, telling him it's 'just me' that he is talking to. But then I realised, he wasn't actually talking to me, not the me he thinks I still am. My life has rearranged so much, that I am a stranger now, a stranger to him, to myself...
I've lost who I am, I'm not here anymore.
The amount of times I've told him to go, and never come back. But each time he came back, eventually I would give in and accept him with open arms, well, my arms are never open nowadays.
He's doing the 'honourable' thing, giving up his life for me. Smiling, even though he is dying inside, fooling the thoughts inside his head that he is happy and pretending that we will get what we deserve, that my life will suddenly become bearable.
But deep down he knows the truth...he knows.
I love him so much, I don't want him to leave me. But I love him too much for him to rot with me, to decay into nothing.
Because that's who I am now, nothing"
The tears now freefalling down his cheeks.
"It's been so hard, for so long.
I can't do this anymore. All the fight I had in me has gone, there's nothing left, there's nothing left of me.
I'm ready now, I'm ready.
I want them to let me go...they need to set me free.
They will watch this video back, and realise...I'm already dead...I died in the accident.
Day 213, finished, over and done"