You can do this. It's for Bella. Do it for her. It's the only way. You can do this Edward, I know you can do this. Don't give in. Keep the plan going. One side of my head kept repeating that while the other side tried to get me to dodge doing this. My selfish side.
Stay. Please stay Edward. Don't hurt yourself. You know you can't live without Bella. Don't do this! It screamed in my head over and over and over. I would have taken me less than a second to pick that side except for the fact that I loved Bella. When you love someone, you have to learn to let them go.
I was vampire and Bella was human. Those two things didn't go together though she was my other half. She was my heart. I wasn't sure I could this at all at first but after a while I remember the promise I had made that one night to myself when I first stayed at Bella's house. I promised I would pratice on leaving her. Pratice time was up and now was time for the real deal.
I knew I would hurt Bella. I knew I would and I hated it. I hated seeing her in pain but I knew I would see it. She had told me a million times that she loved me and that I was her whole world now though she had no idea what those words meant for me. Her love for me wasn't as deep as mine for her.
I would have to leave Bella in about ten seconds and my heart ached as the voice in my head started to beg again. I could hear Bella's soft breathing and footsteps behind me as I took a few steps into the forest.
Don't do this! Don't do it! The selfish side of me screamed. Too late. I would leave to protect Bella. She deserved better. She deserved happiness. She deserved someone who could give her everything. She deserved to be safe. She deserved a human. I was not a human and so I would leave her and let her search for someone else. Someone who could give her everything I couldn't.
I always knew I didn't deserve her but to actually react to leaving her so she could find someone else was breathtaking. I couldn't even stay and watch her because I would have to leave her life altogether. I fought back the desire that yelled at me to stop.
You're doing it for Bella. You're doing it for Bella. The better voice chanted in my head. I was doing it Bella. I was sacrificing my happiness for hers. I was sacrificing everything. She was everything to me and yet I was about to give her up. Even though my family thought Bella and I were soul mates. I didn't think so. She may have been my soul mate but I wasn't hers because her soul mate was someone warm, soft and slow.
Quickly I stopped wanting to get this over with. This was going to be impossible to do and it was going to take forever because my love for Bella had confirmed itself and planted a seed in her heart that would never be erased with my words.
I stared at her leaning against a tree wondering how I would start. Wondering if I would start.
"Okay, let's talk." Bella started deciding for me. Her voice lingered in my head and I knew I should memorize it for it would only be memory in a couple of hours…or days. However long it takes to convince her.
I took a deep breath before talking.
"Bella, we're leaving." I spoke. Knowing this would be the last conversation I would have with her, it hurt. My frozen heart ached for me to put a stop to what I was about to do yet my mind was determined. It would rather hurt my own heart than Bella.
She took a deep breath, too. She looked a little relieved like this was a good thing. Why?
"Why now? Another year." she told me. I see now. She was confused. She didn't know what I meant. She thought I was talking about me and her leaving. I hated hurting her. I absolutely hated it. It felt against my existence to hurt her. It felt like I was hurting myself, but I would have to explain.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." How much I wish I could take you with us! Focus Edward. For Bella, for Bella…
She looked confused for a second putting everything together what I had said. I watched her back with a cold expression that was meant to be put out on myself for doing this to her. I wanted to punch myself in the gut. I wanted to stay with her. I wanted to be human. If only I was…
"When you say we," she breathed. You have no idea how much I want it to mean me and you. No idea.
"I mean my family and myself." I spoke each word separately glaring at her. I waited while she thought over my answer wondering what she was thinking. I was memorizing her face for the last time. I would always have that face with me.
She shook her head before answering. "Okay. I'll come with you." she said.
"You can't Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." Where I am is not the right place for you. I thought pained.
"Where you are is the right place for me." she told me and for a second I thought she read my mind.
"I'm not good for you, Bella." I went on. Since the whole place thing won't work might as well take another route. It was true. Not only was I not good for her, I wasn't good enough for her either.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." Those words were reversed. She was the very best part of my life. I wasn't the best part of her life and she knew it. The sadness in her voice made my voice come out dull. It was either that or I would take my words back.
"My world is not for you." I told her. She stared at me.
"What happened with Jasper that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She screamed. She seemed to know my reason for leaving but nothing? What was she talking about? It wasn't nothing. It was everything!
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay." The memory returned to me as she spoke and I remember exactly what I had said. I had told her that yet before she went to sleep I promised as long as it was what was best for her. She had tried to argue but I told to set it of until she felt better and she never had. She never brought it up again the thought of me leaving her never occurring to her head.
"As long as that was best for you." I corrected.
"No! his is about my, soul isn't it?" She shouted in a voice that was begging. It wasn't about her soul. It was her safety yet…now that she mentioned her soul…she just gave me another reason to leave her. If I stayed she would somehow, someday get me into changing her taking away her soul in the process.
"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you. It's yours already." she cried. The words made me rejoice a little but pained me more. This would be way harder than I thought.
I took a deep breathe and stared at the ground ignoring her eyes at the thrill of her words. I had to find a way. I would have to hurt her. There was no other way around this but hurting her. How would I do it though?
How many times I had told Bella I wanted her? A million times. Maybe if I took my words back now…it would work. I doubted that would work but I could try. It would hurt her to know I didn't' want her. It would be the worst kind of lie I had ever told in my entire existence. The worst kind of lie anyone could tell. How could you not want Bella? Everyone in this town seem to want to claim her as a daughter, or girlfriend or sister.
I had to do this. The expression on my face right now wouldn't help so I would have to look determined to leave her. If only she could read my mind. How would I do it! I had no idea how to say something that cold to Bella. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand watching her face. How many times I had seen her face pained? The memory of her hurt the day I saved her from James came to my head. That was a physical pain. How many times had she been mentally hurt? She didn't love me enough for the physical pain to go inside.
You're doing this for Bella. She doesn't love you, she doesn't love you. I tried to tell myself and I looked back to her.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke the words slowly taking in carefully each one as I said it making sure it didn't come out as a lie. I wanted her to come with me. I wanted Bella to be everywhere I went. I knew this wouldn't work. She wouldn't believe my words but that didn't mean I could put down the act.
"You….Don't….Want me?" She stuttered at her words and I wondered if she had believed me. Had she? If she did how could she? A part of me was screaming in my head at how she could question my love for her. Didn't she know how much I loved her? It didn't matter now. I could prove that anymore.
"No." The thoughts of her not knowing how much I loved her or me having not shown enough evidence made my voice come out ice cold encouraging the lie. I watched her as she looked at me taking in my words.
"Well, that changed things." She said calmly. She bought it? She bought my lie in under five minutes? Are you serious?
I had truly not proven to her how much I loved her. Stupid. I thought to myself. How idiotic I've been to think that Bella knew she was the number one person in my mind. I guess I couldn't prove anything to her now and that was for the best but I still wanted her to know. I wanted her to know that I loved her and that she will always be loved by me no matter what. She will always be my whole world even after I leave her.
"Of course, I'll always love you," I told her. I couldn't truly tell her that I loved her as husband to wife but maybe I could tell her that I loved her as a close friend. A true friend. A girlfriend. "In a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I am not human." How much I wish I was. "I've let this go on much to long, and I'm sorry for that." For your sake. I wasn't sorry that I had spent those months with her. They had been the best days of my life and would probably always be. What would I do without her?
"Don't." she begged in a whisper. "Don't do this." I stared into her eyes trying to ignore the depths of her chocolate brown eyes. She still wasn't fully convinced.
"You're not good for me, Bella." Your way to good for me. She stared at me and then opened her mouth to say something. Nothing came out and I caught a glimpse of the pain it was going to cost. Her pain over losing me would be nothing compared to mine of losing her.
"If…That's what you want." Were the final words she had decided to say. It's not what I want. It's what I'm going for you sake. Trying not to be selfish. I want you Bella, more than anything.
I nodded once to her respond knowing I had a role to place. If I couldn't be there to protect her…she could try to protect herself. There was no danger. Victoria would probably come back for me trapping herself in her own death. Bella would clean of all vampires yet she wouldn't be safe from herself. My fear of her falling over something and bleeding or getting crashed by a car…She's managed to live this long. She can do a couple of decades by herself. And then she'd be…dead. The thought of Bella dead made me want to kill myself. I hated knowing their would be a final separation.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not to much." I asked. Her face looked absolutely pained. I could see the tears waiting to fall and how much she wanted me to stay yet none of that showed in her voice. What the heck was I doing? I was leaving my angel behind to who? To someone else? I didn't want Bella to fall in love with anyone else but I knew that was selfish. The better part of me hoped she would find someone else that way if I ever came back, I could at least watch her. I hated knowing someone else's hand would be around hers and someone else's lips on her.
Damn it Edward. Stay! The voice inside of me begged. Do you really want to see her with someone like Mike? Is that what you want! It asked furious. I didn't want that but I had to let it happen. I hesitated for a moment in wanting to take all the words I had told Bella back with a 'gotcha' or something like 'you don't actually believe me do you? I love you Bella you know that.' How much I wanted to say something like that.
No, no, no, no. Your doing this for her. Stop being selfish and do this for her. You love her Edward. Do it for Bella. Save her. Don't let her die. Don't take her soul. She deserves better. The selfless voice inside of me demanded. It pulled me back into reality realizing I had only spent a fraction of a second on those thoughts and I was still waiting for my answers, I composed my face back to the mean cold expression.
"Anything." she promised. Promise me you won't hate me for this. For doing this to you. I begged in my head. She would probably hate me after the pain left on her was over.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I couldn't stand Bella hurt and I wouldn't. Bella kept her promises so maybe is she promised me she wouldn't let herself get hurt than she would keep it. I need her to promise me this.
"I'm thinking for Charlie, of course." Not really. "He needs you." I need you. "Take care of yourself for him." For me.
"I will." She breathed. This was it. My final farewell to Bella. I had to let her know that she should move on. That I encouraged her to move on and that I wouldn't hurt the boy she fell in love with…if I tried.
"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as it I'd never existed." To me she would always exist but maybe after a view years after I leave Bella, she will forget about me. Something hit my frozen heart hard and I froze in place feeling the pain of Bella forgetting me. It would hurt me but definitely help.
"Don't worry. You're human. Your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." Bella didn't belong to the human race. She was an angel. She was more than an angel. She wasn't my angel anymore. She would be someone else's. Soon. She was amazing catch and hard to miss.
"And your memories?" she asked. She was choking on her words something Bella rarely did around me.
"Well. I wont forget. But my kind…We're very easily distracted." I kept the smile I had on from my last lines on my face for her sake. I took a step away from her memorizing her body fully for my memory. This was my last farewell to Bella and I wanted to take in everything with me. Everything.
"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." I told her still looking over her stunning body and face.
"Alice isn't coming back." she stated. Alice had asked me to say goodbye to Bella but I had told her no. She begged about it for three more minutes then she gave up with this words flashing in her head 'you're not going to stay away from her for long so I guess I could wait a couple of months…days…hours. That's how long it might take you know. An hour.' She had laughed and ran to pack things with Jasper.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." And that I love you and will always love you Bella. Always.
"Alice is gone?" She asked.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I had taken those lines from a doctor who was fixing Bella up a couple of months ago when we were in Phoenix.
"Goodbye, Bella." I told her in a quiet tone. I didn't want her last memory of me to be me yelling at her or something. I loved her and I wanted to tell her. How much I wanted to tell her.
"Wait!" She cried reaching for me. If I waited any longer I would give in. I took her hands and locked them to her sides feeling the warmth of them traveling through my hand. Not only would I miss her mentally but I would also miss her physically. I would miss her body against mine, her lips against mine, her hands on mine. I leaned down and pressed my head to her forehead taking a small breathe to capture her scent in. It didn't bother me now. I didn't care that a part of me craved to her now. Right now all I felt was pain. This would be the last time I would be with Bella so why waste it on thirst? The pain that I would feel would be worst than the pain for dry throat itself by far.
"Take care of yourself." I whispered against her skin. I enjoyed it for a while longer and then I turned around and started running. Running fast so I wouldn't hear what she would doing. I didn't want to hear her pain. I didn't want to hear my pain. I just wanted to be alone. I knew that wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted to be human more than anything else but I knew that impossible. I kept on running and if felt something inside of me disappear.
My heart. As I ran, I realized…I dropped it in Bella's hands.