D e n i a l

Neji know that this wasn't his fault he knows that things didn't really turn out like this. He knows that he didn't order his team back- being Jonin and able to do these things- make them go back to the village even when he knew what was going to happen.

He likes to pretend he didn't abandon his sensei. He likes to pretend that it wasn't his fault. He tries to forget the image of Kakashi walking into the village, slick with the blood of his comrade. He tries to forget the eyes of Gai, staring, lifeless and empty. He tries to forget the Kakashi's stare as it bored into him, emotionless, hollow, and just as dead as the man in his arms.

He didn't scream at the sight of the body, drenched and slick with crimson blood.

He didn't scream like Lee and Tenten.

He didn't fall to his knees as Tenten had, burring her face in her hands. He didn't rush to Gai side, like Lee, shouting at him to wake up, not believing, not wanting to believe and eventually, at the touch of Kakashi's hand, screaming and collapsing in a sobbing heap on the dusty floor.

He didn't scream. But inside, he felt as dead as the man that he had let down so badly.

And sometimes, when people tell him that they're sorry, Neji just frowns and thinks, "For what?" because maybe if he pretends it didn't happen, it won't hurt quite so much. Maybe it won't even be real.

But Neji has never believed in Fantasy.

Neji knows that the funeral didn't make him cry. Everyone else cried, but not Neji, he's stronger than that. They asked him to speak at the funeral but he refused. Why speak for someone who isn't really dead?

And he sat at the back with Tenten and Lee. Tenten clinging to Lee as if he was her last lifeline – which Neji supposed he really was- crying into his shoulder. And Neji felt something tug at his heart at the sight of such a strong young woman reduced to tears. Why would she cry if nothing was wrong. And it put doubt in the back of Neji's pretending

And he pushed it aside because she was a girl and girls cried.

And Lee was sitting, one arm around Tenten. He was still and his face was hard as stone, betraying no emotion. His eyes reflected like glassy mirrors, but no tears fell.

Nothing fell.

And then, as the first ones finally spilt from Lee's eyes, sliding over his cheeks, Neji gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, because if anyone should be crying it was Lee and if he couldn't control himself, then how could Neji? And he was suppose to be stronger then the others, it was his fault, and he had to be strong; but he put his head in his lap and cried anyway, because he wasn't as strong as he pretended he could be.

He likes to pretend that Kakashi didn't kill himself.

Neji likes to pretend that Kakashi didn't die.

It happened the day of the funeral, at the memorial stone. One wrist was slit across Obito's name, the second at Gai's.

And Neji likes to pretend that it wasn't his fault that the only one still keeping Kakashi together was dead.

It isn't his fault that Teams Kakashi disbands, that Naruto throws himself into his missions. Missions after missions, all solo, all high ranked.

It isn't his fault that Sakura is rarely seen out of her house until one day; she just doesn't come out at all. And that's the day Neji finds out that a medical ninja's knowledge of poisons are very effective for killing ones self.

And Neji is angry.

Because he's still living when so many people have taken the easy way out.

He doesn't want to live.

Neji doesn't feel guilty, because he knows it isn't his fault. He screams this out loud one day, staring at himself in the mirror. His voice is thick with alcohol as he punches the mirror, ignoring the razor shards that slice into his hand, because it's not his fault, even though he knows it is.

Neji likes to pretend his team mates aren't all he has left.

Because Tenten is the only one holding everything together, and it makes him feel weak, because she's the one who reminds Neji to eat, to get out. She's the one he takes missions with. She's still a Chunin but has aged beyond her years.

And Neji feels guilty because it's his fault that Gai died.

He likes to forget the way Lee used to be, happy and full of life, because now the man is different, sad, and Neji doesn't think he can deal with the depression. Lee is a Jonin now; he passed at the next exam. Then got drunk, pronouncing strongly that he wasn't, and Neji knows he can't deal with it, because the last time Lee got drunk, they were a team and he had Gai with to help him.

Lee throws himself into A and S-class solo mission, never giving himself time to fully recover; it's how he deals with the pain. Neji doesn't bother, but he's not surprised that Lee no longer wears green.

But most of all, Neji likes to think that he isn't a bad liar.

Because if he is, then he's as bad as his sensei.

And Gai can't be dead, because if he's dead it will be his fault.

And Neji knows that he really wants to die, but he has to keep on living, because it was his fault.

And he has to pretend he's okay

Because if he's not then there's something wrong.

And he can't believe reality.

Because that would make everything denial.

And Neji is never in denial.

I got the idea for the funeral and Lee's missions from a fic I read about Lee and Tenten dying a long while back. I cannot remember the name.

Thanks for reading. What did you think?