Okay, here is my second fic – it's been a long time coming. This one has been bouncing around my head for a while now, but I could never decide how and when to set it. And I knew I wanted Sam to be that character (I don't feel confident enough to try other voices just yet). I guess I wanted to capture the way the mind works in the middle of the night, especially in times of great stress, the rambling, meandering thought processes, where you veer from bad to good in no time at all. It is inspired by the Sarah McLachlan song "Hold On". If you don't know it, go and get it, my favourite version is on the album "The Freedom Sessions".
A big THANK YOU to Dr. Gemini 86 (84), who beta'd this story for me – twice! I don't know what I would have done without you on this one. Go read her stories...after finishing this one of course ;P
Disclamer – I don't own any of the Stargate characters (but how I wish I had Daniel Jackson and / or John Sheppard locked in my room), or anything by Sarah McLachlan. This is all done in fun so please don't sue.
Sam sighed and leaned forward, trying to work the kinks out of her neck and back, the thoughts in her head racing a hundred miles an hour. Yesterday, everything was... well, not perfect, but she had her 'family' around her in good health and camaraderie. Now, well now she felt as though a part of her soul was withering and dying.
In a way it was. Lying in the bed in front of her was Daniel; her brother, her twin, her conscience, her Trivial Pursuit rival.
She sighed again and shifted in the uncomfortable infirmary chair. 'You'd think after all the number of times we've spent in this room waiting for Daniel to wake up from his latest escapade, we'd have gotten our hands on some comfortable chairs. Well, I'll have to remember that for next ti..' the thought stopped abruptly and Sam stifled a sob. She would not do this now - that could wait for later. Right now, Daniel didn't need to see tears, and neither did the Colonel. She couldn't do that now...
She could hear the strains of the radio playing at the nurses' station. The night nurse was softly humming to the tune; she thought it sounded like Sarah McLachlan, and then she caught a lyric "And you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we'll praise it". 'Amen to that', she thought, then caught herself.
If there was a God, and if he was indeed a merciful God, as she had been brought up to believe, then why would he let this happen to Daniel of all people? Daniel, who only saw the good; who was always the one to advocate negotiation – talking rather than waving guns; and the Daniel who was now dying as a result of his desire to save a group of people he didn't know, and who were now discrediting and desecrating his memory...
God has a plan - everything happens for a reason. When God closes one door, he opens a window. All the religious rhetoric from her childhood came flooding back. The anger rose up in Sam so quickly and furiously that she hadn't even realised that she had pressed her short nails into the palm of her hand hard enough to draw blood.
She looked up at the clock - it was a little past 0500, or O-dark-thirty as Daniel always called it. She laughed softly, shaking her head at her friend's refusal to completely militarise himself, despite being a member of Earth's frontline planetary defence team. His refusal to militarise himself was also at odds with the fact that he had to prove himself worthy of SG-1 to the military personnel of the SGC. The Colonel had sent him off on training exercise after training exercise to improve and develop his fitness, gunmanship, and anything else that he had thought necessary; sometimes sending Sam along with Daniel.
The Colonel was also in the habit of springing training exercises on them. Shivering, she recalled being kidnapped from her quarters and thrown through the gate to 'play' a grown up version of 'tag'.
She also remembered some of the imaginative ways that she and Daniel had planned to get back at the Colonel, like replacing his Simpson's DVDs with some of Daniel's archaeological videos (both pre and post-SGC) was a classic. Thankfully he had seen the funny side, otherwise he could have exacted a far worse revenge...
Soon her 'watch' would be coming to an end. SG-1 had wordlessly agreed to keep a vigil at Daniel's bedside so that he would never be alone. Teal'c had reluctantly relinquished his watch over four hours previously, under strict orders and probable emotional blackmail from Janet to go and kel nor'reem for a few hours.
The Colonel had been kicked out a few hours prior to that. He hadn't slept in more than forty hours, and had to be threatened with a sedative that would knock him out for ten hours and even a court martial from General Hammond before he had grudgingly agreed to relinquish his bedside seat. Sam, however, thought that Jack's moving had had more to do with whatever Teal'c, leaning towards the Colonel, had said in his ear. Sam suspected that he had gone straight to the gym, where she had previously spent a few non-productive hours. At first she had tried to bury herself in work, but she had been unable to focus. She had tried to eat, but everything had turned her stomach, so she had gone to the gym, pulled on some sparring gear, took on a couple of marines, beat a couple of marines, then due to the sudden unavailability of sparring partners, she took on the punching bag.
And it was in that position that Teal'c had found her, the Major sweaty, exhausted and spent, physically, mentally and emotionally. He had managed to convince her to go to her quarters and get a few hours sleep. She slept for six hours, and in that second when she had woken up, everything had been okay, her world had been right, but then reality had come crashing down on her, leaving her gasping for breath and with tears in her eyes.
At Daniel's bedside, she shifted in the chair again, as though moving would dislodge the feelings that had just resurfaced.
Her mind wandered to the moment that she had first set eyes on Daniel Jackson. She had known then that they would be friends, even before he had theorised that stellar drift would have affected all the 'gate co-ordinates. She remembered the uncharacteristic inarticulate incoherent babbling archaeologist she was faced with in the Shavadai tent, the support he had given her after her fiancé Jonas had fallen to his death, and how broken he had looked on Abydos following Sha're's funeral.
Memories of every team night came flooding back, the games of Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, Pictionary; the Chinese takeaways, the pizzas, the beer, or orange juice for whomever was on painkillers and antibiotics; how they would intentionally rent an Indiana Jones movie to drive him crazy; and how he would get his own back by renting any science fiction movie ever made, or siding with Teal'c that it really would be a great idea to watch 'Return of the Jedi' for the third time that night, even if it was three in the morning.
Or the evenings spent at O'Malleys, trying to teach him how to play Pool. She would never understand how someone as smart as Daniel had been unable to understand how simple geometry ruled the game. 'Hopeless' couldn't even begin to describe his incomprehension of something which was so simple to her, and a small sad smile appeared on her face at the memory.
Janet had gone home earlier to explain the situation to Cassie. She had sought, and received permission from General Hammond to bring Cassie in tomorrow to say her final goodbyes. Janet had argued to bring Cassie in before Daniel's health deteriorated too much. She and the rest of SG-1 had wanted Cassie to remember Daniel looking like Daniel. The unspoken truth was that Daniel would not look like the Daniel that they had all known and loved for long. The radiation sickness was going to... Sam sat up straight and cut that incidious thought off before it turned her stomach completely... once again.
For a few minutes Sam just sat and looked at Daniel, trying not to think about the radiation sickness and it's relentless and merciless assault on Daniel's body. She remembered the lyric from the nurse's radio earlier and remembered Daniel's description of how he was going to die. Did she really want him to live another day? Would it not be better for him if he died sooner rather than later? A release? She was torn, between her own desire to keep Daniel here and to let him go, let him go back to Sha're. But Cassie hadn't been in yet, the Tok'ra had been contacted and Jacob was due to gate in later in the day. Sam stifled another sob, the little girl in her, really, really, really wanted, needed her father to make it all better – after all, that was what fathers did - they protected and comforted their little girls.
What she needed was a hug from Daniel. He had always known when she had needed one. That was really how their friendship had flourished. Not long after the incident with Jonas Hansen, he had found her sitting in her kitchen, in the dark, staring at the counter, her front door wide open. He had later told her that he had observed her for a few minutes, before walking into the room and just pulling her into a bear hug and holding her while she had sobbed her heart out. They had both known that they could rely on each other for emotional support that they mightn't get elsewhere. Teal'c wasn't the type to randomly dole out hugs, and while the fraternisation regulations didn't prohibit platonic hugs between Air Force officers in times of stress, Sam and the Colonel especially, wanted to avoid any unfounded accusations of impropriety.
She looked up, startled, as the night nurse on duty laid a hand on her shoulder. "Sorry Major, I need to do his obs." Sam nodded silently and stood up, allowing the nurse to do her work. After a few minutes she settled back into her chair and looked up at the clock. By her reckoning she only had about thirty minutes before the Colonel came to 'relieve' her. When that time would come, she'd go back to her quarters and try to sleep so that she could be there when Cassie arrived. She'd need all the support she could get. With that thought Sam took a deep breath and readied herself for the coming days...