Ha HA! And you all thought you'd seen the last of me!
...I assume...
Disclaimer: RK not owned by me, and this idea originally came from the wonderful Authoress Theresa Green
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Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated KAORU KAMIYA unit! To insure that you get the full use and benefits of your Assistant Dojo Master, please pay close attention to the following instructions:
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Basic Information:
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Name: Kaoru Kamiya (a.k.a. Kaoru-dono, Raccoon Girl, Busu/Ugly)
Date of Manufacture: 7 BME (Before Meiji Era)
Place of Manufacture: Shogunate Japan Inc, Edo/Tokyo Division
Height: Kinda short
Weight: Assumed to be light (as weighing scale was destroyed during measurements)
Length: Long (caution: often used as blunt clubbing object)
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Your KAORU KAMIYA comes with the following accessories:
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One pair blue Hakama
One off-white gi
Two kimonos
Three pairs socks
One pair sandals
One Shinai (bamboo sword)
One Bokken (wooden sword)
One silk indigo hair ribbon
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When you first open the box containing your KAORU KAMIYA, you may find her to be temperamental and irritable. Having a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, a YAHIKO unit, or the AYAME and SUZUME LITTLE SISTERS package units handy will help your KAORU KAMIYA to adjust to her new environment.
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Programming:
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The KAORU KAMIYA unit is a cheerful yet spastic unit containing different talents which you can put to use.
Assistant Dojo Master: If you have a room that's big enough, just have your KAORU KAMIYA unit open a fully-licensed Sword-Arts Dojo and draw in some paying students. A dedicated teacher, your KAORU KAMIYA will have those people-off-the-street swinging their wooden swords in no time! (Warning, KAORU KAMIYA is programmed to teach Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu only.)
Emergency Prom Date: Too much of a loser to have a girlfriend for the prom? Have no fear, the KAORU KAMIYA is very capable of fulfilling this role for you. Of course, she may dump you herself - especially if some other loser brought a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit to be THEIR date.
Nutritionist: Your kids eat nothing but junk food, and won't touch anything even remotely healthy, right? They say 'healthy' food tastes terrible, right? Well, your KAORU KAMIYA can cure this in a heartbeat. Have her cook your kids' favorite cake/pudding/item of junk food and watch how quickly they run for your steamed spinach and onions!
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Your KAORU KAMIYA unit comes with six modes:
Spazzed Out (default setting)
Seriously Sad
Fightin' Mad
Depressed Vegetable (level one lock)
You Die Now!
XXX (level two lock)
Please note, the Spazzed Out setting and the You Die Now! setting are two different settings, however similar in demeanor your KAORU KAMIYA unit may appear in both of them. In the You Die Now! mode, any nearby units are at a guaranteed risk of being pummeled and/or beaten and/or screamed at.
The Depressed Vegetable setting is under a level one lock do to the serious nature of the usual situation that triggers it. The KAORU KAMIYA unit in question usually requires outside help from a MEGUMI TEKANI unit to switch off the Depressed Vegetable mode.
Important Note: the XXX setting is under a level two lock due to its graphic nature. You must pass the enclosed maturity/age test to receive the operating license for the XXX mode. There is NO slash setting, although if you really WANT one, please consult a licensed Fanfiction Author/ress to make the needed changes.
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Relations with other units:
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Your KAORU KAMIYA is a social creature who hates to be left alone. Her methods of showing her enjoyment of the presence of other units vary from unit to unit, but all are ways of showing that she cares. Unless, of course, she honestly doesn't like them.
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RUROUNI KENSHIN: Short, overly polite, and extremely butt-kicking swordsman. KAORU KAMIYA units automatically attach themselves to the first RUROUNI KENSHIN unit they lay eyes on after arrival. Attempts at separating the RUROUNI KENSHIN and KAORU KAMIYA units will trigger the Depressed Vegetable Mode in your KAORU KAMIYA.
YAHIKO: Little brat and the first apprentice of Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu. Your KAORU KAMIYA will spend more time whacking the YAHIKO unit upside the head with a bokken and/or a shinai than she will spend actually teaching him Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu. Nevertheless, the YAHIKO unit serves as a Little Brother figure for your KAORU KAMIYA, as well as a stress outlet/increaser.
SANOSUKE SAGARA: Tall, freeloading punk. Will mooch off money and free meals from your KAORU KAMIYA unit whenever possible, and then will have the audacity to complain when eating your KAORU KAMIYA's cooking. The SANOSUKE SAGARA is quite capable of avoiding injury resulting from such remarks, which is why he keeps coming back. Otherwise, the SANOSUKE SAGARA unit remains a close friend.
MEGUMI TEKANI: Tricky fox-doctor. Will attempt to get between a KAROU KAMIYA unit and the nearest RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, for disastrous consequences for the RUROUNI KENSHIN unit. However, the MEGUMI TEKANI unit is another close friend of your KAORU KAMIYA unit, no matter how she acts, and will go out of her way to help your KAORU KAMIYA unit during a crisis.
DR. GENZAI: Beloved old family doctor. A caring, compassionate old man, he is the grandfather of the AYAME AND SUZUME LITTLE SISTERS units and serves in a grandfatherly role for your KAORU KAMIYA unit as well.
AYAME AND SUZUME LITTLE SISTERS: Granddaughters of DR. GENZAI, these happy little girls serve as Little Sister figures for your KAORU KAMIYA.
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Other unit interactions:
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TAI: Works at the Akabeko Restaurant in Tokyo, this unit remains friends with your KAORU KAMIYA unit no matter what crazy happenings happen. The TAI unit's twin unit, the SAI unit, can be found working at the Shirobeko Restaurant in Kyoto.
MAKIMACHI MISAO: Spunky girl ninja of the Oniwabanshuu. Skilled but overeager, when paired with your KAORU KAMIYA unit in battle, they make a very good fighting duo.
HIKO SEIJURO (v 13.0): Arrogant loner and Master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu. Unless dealing with a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, this unit and your KAORU KAMIYA unit will only rarely interact.
HAJIME SAITO: Smoking policeman and former Shinsengumi Captain, this unit is disliked by KAORU KAMIYA units due to the fact that RUROUNI KENSHIN units often leave town after fighting with a HAJIME SAITO.
JINEI: Creepy eyes, has a nasty love of killing things. This unit has a tendency to abduct and attempt to suffocate KAORU KAMIYA units, especially in the presence of RUROUNI KENSHIN units, and should be avoided at all costs.
ENISHI: Freaky, freaky guy. Will abduct any KAORU KAMIYA units found in the presence of RUROUNI KENSHIN units as part of his revenge against that RUROUNI KENSHIN. Avoid at all costs.
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Cleaning:
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The KAORU KAMIYA is a self-cleaning unit, fully capable of washing herself after she gets the hang of modern plumbing. Anyone who walks in uninvited on the KAORU KAMIYA unit while she's bathing will receive what she determines to be appropriate punishment, so be careful.
Your KAORU KAMIYA units boasts the new self-drying system, with which she is fully capable of toweling herself off. However, in cases of programming failure, you will be required to rub unit dry with towel. Do not line-dry unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not dry-clean unit.
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Energy:
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Your KAORU KAMIYA unit requires, on average, two meals per day. She is fully capable of cooking her own food for herself, but if you want her to be at her best, either take her out to eat (Warning, do not leave KAORU KAMIYA behind to pay bill, she WILL make you regret it) or find someone else to cook…like a RUROUNI KENSHIN, obviously.
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Frequently Asked Questions:
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Q: How can I make my KAORU KAMIYA stop being so obsessed with the RUROUNI KENSHIN next door? All she does is peer over the fence, watching him do laundry.
A: If you can't get your own RUROUNI KENSHIN, then you should try either a YAHIKO or a MEGUMI TEKANI unit. Both of them have their own unique way of persuading your KAORU KAMIYA to stop stalking the next-door RUROUNI KENSHIN and actually talk to him face-to-face, since it is impossible to make her stop liking him.
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Q: Um, yeah. Instead of a black-haired, blue-eyed, bokken-wielding assistant dojo master, I got this black-haired, dark-eyed, really depressed looking lady in a red-white-and-blue kimono who only talks in a soft, cryptic voice and constantly scribbles stuff in her diary. Oh, and my RUROUNI KENSHIN unit started screaming and spontaneously bleeding when he saw her and is traumatized beyond belief now. What exactly happened?
A: Uh-oh. Sounds like someone mixed up the order for your KAORU KAMIYA unit and sent you a TOMOE unit instead. She is a quiet, generally ignorable unit who can cook - basically, the exact opposite of the KAORU KAMIYA unit. If you prefer the KAORU KAMIYA unit over the TOMOE unit, send the TOMOE unit back and we'll ship you your KAORU KAMIYA unit free of charge. If you want to keep the TOMOE unit instead, we recommend that you either get rid of your RUROUNI KENSHIN unit or start paying for some expensive therapy.
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Q: I got myself a KAORU KAMIYA to get my wife, who got herself an AOSHI SHINOMORI last year, jealous so she'd come back to me. But the KAORU KAMIYA only likes our teenaged daughter's RUROUNI KENSHIN (a sweet sixteen present). Tell me how to make my KAORU KAMIYA unit stop liking RUROUNI KENSHIN. Otherwise, my wife won't notice a thing.
A: Sir, you have my pity. However, it is IMPOSSIBLE to make a KAORU KAMIYA unit stop liking a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, no matter what. The only way she'd like anyone else would be if she was never exposed to one. As for getting rid of your wife's AOSHI SHINOMORI…have you ever thought about getting a MAKIMACHI MISAO?
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Q: How can I make my KAORU KAMIYA unit stop being so completely obsessed with my RUROUNI KENSHIN unit (who keeps failing to complete all his chores because he's too busy saving her from various people)?
A: Okay, for the last time. It is IMPOSSIBLE to make a KAORU KAMIYA stop liking a RUROUNI KENSHIN once she has laid eyes on him. True love is a beautiful thing, people - LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT!
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Troubleshooting:
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Problem: The students at your KAORU KAMIYA unit's impromptu Dojo are all leaving due to a really tall guy running around with a sword yelling about how he's Battousai the Manslayer and uses her style of swordsmanship.
Solution: This is a fairly common problem in today's real estate market: you let your KAORU KAMIYA unit run a dojo on your property, but if it wasn't being used for a dojo, it would sell for millions, and then someone gets the idea that if they drive away all the students they can take over the dojo and sell it. This situation has a classic answer as well - buy or borrow (we recommend buy) a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, shove him in your KAORU KAMIYA unit's general direction when she goes to challenge the Battousai Impersonator, and then watch as the problem takes care of itself.
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Problem: Your KAORU KAMIYA unit has gotten amnesia…somehow.
Solution: Depends how she got it and whether you're going to try to fix it or capitalize on it. Shoving a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit or any other similarly close unit into an amnesiac KAORU KAMIYA unit's face in the hope that it will jog her memory is usually considered a bad idea (and will probably result in damage to the shoved unit in question for invading your KAORU KAMIYA unit's personal space, even if/especially if she doesn't recognize them) but if you're cruel and want some laughs, go for it.
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Problem: Your KAORU KAMIYA unit and your RUROUNI KENSHIN unit tied the knot, before he ditched her to wander the country randomly helping people again while leaving her with a tiny, ruder version of him.
Solution: …Okay, so true love isn't always a beautiful thing. Just make certain your RUROUNI KENSHIN gets his butt back home more than four times a year or your new LITTLE KENJI will grow up hating him and being otherwise generally screwed up.
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With proper care and maintenance, your KAORU KAMIYA unit will lead a full and (mostly) happy life while living under your roof. Her warranty is good through for about sixty years, give or take a few, at which point you should contact your nearest Shinto shrine to discuss burial procedures. If, at some point, you no longer wish to keep her, try encouraging her to set up her dojo on the far side of town - sending her a brand-new RUROUNI KENSHIN right afterwards is a good way to make certain she stays there. Unless she's already seen one, of course. Then you're on your own.