By Aislin Oriel
AN: This is kinda a side-fic of The Fling, which I'm still currently working on. I recommend you read that first (though this one's not as light- hearted), but it can also stand alone.
Any warnings I have for this is that it has a suicidal theme and is a little dark. (From me, that's unusual.)Onward to the story --
Duo stared down at the lacerations on his wrists. He felt low. Lower than before Hilde had walked in and found him with the razor. He could still remember the look on her face.
Doctor then told me
My cuts were minor
Wish that I could laugh it off
Put my thoughts of myself behind her
And just pass it off
Pass it off
He supposed that he'd overreacted. Hilde had said that he'd gone 'crazy'. Angry tears had flown down her face. Angry at herself, and angry at his stupidity - his carelessness. And, for the first time, Duo wished he'd never met her. Oh, the pain. She didn't need him, he knew. Didn't need - this. His overreaction. His 'craze".
Like another time
Like our first kiss
The wrong thing to do
With both of our lips, I meant to twist
Is this a chance for love
Or a chance to reminisce
It had been great. The best time in his life actually, - and he was a pretty happy guy normally. Hilde was his best friend of sorts. A hand through rough times, his confidante, and his girl.
About the days that we patiently waited
In the hope that our love
Could stay separated
It's a knife
Smooth on one edge
Or is it serrated
She was. Finding out about her and Trowa put a large damper on that. That, Duo supposed, was when he began to overreact. Go 'crazy'. He was desolate. There was no room for self-pity, but there was no anger in his soul. Just an empty, empty, void. Lonelyness. And it was unusual, but that was how he could be described. Depressed. Duo Maxwell. Depressed. He had survived two wars and seen many people die. Quite a few at his own hands. He couldn't let that get to him then. But how else could he explain his actions now?
"It would've been easier
If you could've hated
Me for saying sorry or whatever I said
And told me to get out
Instead of coming to bed
I know that you love me
But don't do somthing that you'll regret
Don't do something that you'll regret." he remembered those words clearly. Yes, he had verbally forgiven her. But inside he fell apart. How could he not? She was his life. She was his world. She was the reason that he'd gone on that mission. The reason he'd returned.
We have to fall apart
Before we can get back together
Or whatever
Time apart. Somehow, Duo knew that was the last thing he needed. To be alone with himself. The dark slatey clouds above him knew how to reflect his outlook. The rain poured down. It wasn't merciful either.
There ain't no forcast
'Cause there's no storm
To weather
One of the beautiful things about it. Reflection. Duo could reflect on all his confusions. What had he done? Gone down the way he'd sworn he'd never. Gone down the road of self-desecration. There were bandages wrapped around his hands. He'd left the house after she found him and after the screaming. Now, he was sitting on a curb, on the quiet downtown street, a block away from the doctor's office. Just staring down with his dead eyes. He might as well have been laying in the gutter.
Oh doctor please help me
I'm dying
My eyes are dried up
But I ain't finished crying
And I'm lying in a knot
With a stomach pain
He wasn't angry at anyone in particular. He hadn't tried to kill Trowa in vengance. Like he knew Heero would've done in such a circumstance. Duo would've laughed if it weren't so horribly sadistic even to think. He couldn't even smile because he was more to blame himself. He'd practically welcomed this misery with open arms. Sitting there proved just that. Betrayed - he couldn't even feel betrayed; for the fact that he'd be placing false blame.
And my left knee hurts
But only when it rains
Duo stood up half-heartedly, fighting against the onslaught of the downpour that had drenched right through him. He began dragging his feet as he started aimlessly down the walk, just to do something constructive instead.
And the concrete that beats
At the back of my shoes
Brings no relief
It just sings me the blues
He didn't know how long he'd lumbered on. Or when the rain had eased up and it was the evening. He was only consious of walking, and walking, and walking. His feet seemed to just idly lead him.
Leaves me in the streets
With the rest of the fools
Heart in my hand
Thinking of you
So Duo just carried on. He swept past the streetlights that only blinded him, and slunk into the more secluded area of the naughbourhood. He just couldn't think of what to do.
No one to see
And nothing to do
If you leave out the door
I'll be depending on you
And he didn't know how long he stood there when she approached him. Time didn't exist between them. She stood only within arms reach, with a comforting, vibrant, warm kind of expression conveyed through. It contrasted with the sadness of tears mingling their salt with rainwater that dripped off her chin and the end of her nose.
To come around for awhile
And pick me up with a smile
So we can talk for a minute or two
Or three or four
Then followed a duration where Hilde just held him in her embrace, as if fearful that he'd dissappate if she let him go. Duo cowered his face into her shoulder like a frightened child, waiting for the time to come where he'd be torn away from his will to press on.
Oh doctor please help me
I'm dying
My eyes are dried up
But I'm not finished crying
And I'm lying in a knot
With a stomach pain
Openly, he sobbed into her already damp jacket. Bringing his slowly pulsing wrists up near his face, shielding his hurt from the world, so that she'd not have to subject to it.
So the next time
I go to the doctor
I'll get a new heart
So I won't have to bother
With the beatings I'm taking from this one
The dark night was quiet, but for the gentle sound of Duo's wimpers, muffled by fabric and skin.
And the next time
My eyes fill with water
I won't be a broken
Relationship martyr
Who's dying to get to the next one
Hilde pulled back to look at her broken man. Equally anguished, sorry tears had crept upon her also, but she couldn't notice over the sad decision upon his features.
And the day that we're finally ready
To be steadily going
But not going steady
Is the day that we'll both be fulfilled
He stepped back from her grasp, touching his hurting fingers to his quivering lips. Duo saw her desparate expression and said sincerely, "Good- bye Hilde. We need time. But I love you. God, I love you." And he turned and began to leave her there standing on the deserted street.
And though being alone might be deadly
I'd rather be lonely
Than have you forget me
'Cause then I'd just want to be killed
And he smiled softly as he observed the now-clear night sky, free from the clouds. Holding stars. Little slivers of hope. He smiled. Not like he had ever before. But it had significance. Time would heal.
Oh doctor please help me
I'm dying
My eyes are dried up
But I'm not finished crying
It would be all right. Time would heal.
He would heal.
END
AN: This is probably my first ever attempt at angst. What can I say? (I need a tissue...) This adds to my emmense collection of short 2/H fics that I've written for my best friend Amanda. She liked it and I hope you did too. Arigato for reading. I'd appretiate reviews! The sequel to this is called Home But Newly. Ja ne. Aislin Oriel