a/n: i don't even know
daddy please don't
it wasn't her fault
she means so much to me
daddy please don't
we're gonna get married
just you wait and see
She never really dwells on what happened. She doesn't talk to anyone about what happened. She just wants to forget what happened, but more than anything, she wants to remember her.
So she sits in the back of the choir room, doodling pictures of Rachel and writing Mrs. Rachel Fabray on her notebook (it's corny, but it's definitely better than Mrs. Quinn Berry.) She'll look up every time someone enters the room, a tiny part of her hoping it is Rachel even though she knows it won't be.
She doesn't cry until she gets home, until she's lying in bed with her tear stained pillow and a picture of Rachel, Brittany comforting her and Rachel's screams echoing in her head.
She thinks it's a bit like that song Rachel sung back in sophomore year. The one that St James, Finn and Puck got so upset about. Run Joey Run.
She's never been more right in her life.
...
"My dad's back."
"Well, Quinn, I'm sure-"
"Rachel, my dad is back. My mom might accept me but he never will. I've already been kicked out of home once. I can't let it happen again."
"Yes Quinn, I understand. But maybe you should think about it before being in the closet for the rest of your life, leaving me alone even though I'll be a huge Broadway star."
...
She wakes up alone, Brittany would've had returned to her bed by now, and she would've placed Rachel's picture back on the desk.
She'll lie back on the bed, shut her eyes tightly and pray to get back to sleep. Pray that she won't dream about Rachel that time. But maybe Russell was right when he said God wouldn't love her anymore, because he no longer listens.
And pretty soon she'll end up crying, screams and ambulances and tears playing in her head. And she'll watch the sun come up and go through the day pretending everything's okay.
Even though it's not.
...
"Rach."
"Yes, Quinn?"
"I'm-I'm going to tell my parents."
"Quinn, you don't have too. My outburst last week was extremely insensitive, and I realize that-"
"No. I want to be with you. I can't go the rest of my life pretending to my family that I don't love you, Rachel Berry, because I do."
"You love me?"
"Yeah."
...
She sits throughout all her classes, drawing pictures of Rachel. She's always done it-before, she drew humiliating ones to embarrass the girl, but now she drew pictures of Rachel on Broadway, Rachel in a white gown, Rachel with kids, Rachel being alive.
A few teachers occasionally scold her for not paying attention, and it becomes more frequent as her grades go down the ban. But Quinn doesn't care. She knows it's not what Rachel would've wanted, but Quinn wants to be stuck in Lima for the rest of her life if that's where Rachel's buried.
It becomes so as if she's almost a ghost. She watches people go about their lives, but they don't stop to see her and ask if her life is okay. The empty feeling at the pit of her stomach hurts more than any sickness ever could, and she sometimes wishes someone would kill her too so she could be reunited with Rachel again.
It's another wish she doesn't get.
...
"Daddy, mom, I'd like you to meet Rachel."
"Is this girl your new friend? Much better than the other two-their parents ought to beat the devil out of them."
"There's nothing wrong with Santana and Brittany, daddy."
"Quinnie dear, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're friends are gay."
"I know that mom. And there's nothing wrong with it."
"Nothing wrong with it? It's a sin!"
"But I'm gay, daddy."
...
She still remembers that night, that moment where everything changes. She remembers flinching as her father stood, quietly demanding her if this was true. She remembers nodding and then feeling the quick, hard slap across her face.
She has nightmares about it. Every night. If she wasn't so upset and afraid of them, she'd laugh at herself. Quinn Fabray having nightmares. It even sounds stupid, but it's so true Quinn wants to cry. She wants Rachel back so she can hold her in her arms and they can cry together.
But every time she thinks about Rachel, her thoughts flick back to that night. The night where everything changed. The night where she lost Rachel forever.
...
"Mr Fabray"
"Stay out of this, you freak! You led me daughter to believe the ways of the devil is the right way!"
"Leave her alone, daddy!"
"Daddy? You're no daughter of mine. This is worse than the time you got pregnant. You're pathetic, and I'll make you see the right way if it's the last thing I do."
"No. Leave Quinn alone. She did nothing wrong and if you weren't such a religious"
"Get out of my house."
"Daddy"
"Mr Fabray"
"Both of you get out. I need to talk to you alone and I can't have your mother be there."
...
She should've said no. She should've forced her mother to come with them. Judy was terrified of her father, but she could've called the cops. She could've stopped it.
Quinn shivers, putting one foot on the stairs as she watched Brittany and Santana watch television below. She wanted that. She should have that. She should be sitting with Rachel, Brittany and Santana, making sure Santana didn't insult Rachel and sitting through all the nature documentaries Brittany liked to watch. She should have that.
She bites her lip and squeezes her eyes tight, even though she's pretty sure she's all cried out. She doesn't even know if that's physically impossible, but she doesn't care. She just wants Rachel.
...
"We should run for it."
"Quinn, I don't think that's the best idea."
"Rach, he doesn't just want to talk. He's going to hurt you like he hurt me and I can't have that. I can't."
"We're outside Quinn. If he touches one of us we can scream and someone will ought to hear us. As you know, I'm very vocal. If we run, we'll make it worse."
"Rach"
"Quinn, what you and your girlfriend are doing is a sin. I can't let you loose on the world."
"Is that a gun?"
"There's no other way."
"Don't you dare touch her. Shoot me, but leave Rachel alone."
"With her disgusting 'parents'? She's wore than you."
"Rach, run. Get out of here. Rach-Rachel!"
...
Quinn remembers the sound of the bullet being fired, the sounds of Rachel's gasps and her own screams. She remembers trying to hold Rachel, trying to get her to talk, trying to save her. She remembers her neighbours running out, her father being tackled, and people trying to comfort her. She remembers the sound of the ambulance and people trying to get her to let go of Rachel. She remembers refusing and them pulling her away.
She remembers being taken to the hospital. She remembers being told she can't see Rachel because she's in serious danger and needs medical attention stat. She remembers the doctors looking her over and even though she's fine compared to Rachel. She remembers being asked questions. She remembers Rachel's fathers not being there because they went away for the weekend and it would still be a few hours before they would arrive.
And she remembers what they told her when she was finally free. She remembers hearing about Rachel's condition. She remembers the 'I'm sorry.' She remembers crying but no one's there to hold her. She remembers them telling her that they're nothing they can do and does she want to say goodbye to Rachel?
The one night she desperately wants to forget, is the one she can't.
...
"Can she hear me?"
"I'm afraid not. Would you still like to see her."
"Y-yes."
"Again, we're terribly sorry, Miss Fabray. We did all we could to save Miss Berry."
"I know."
"Here we are."
"Rach."
No answer.
"Rach, baby, it's me."
No answer.
"I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry it's not me. I'm sorry your fathers aren't here to say goodbye. I'm sorry you're never going to be on Broadway. I'm sorry you're never going to be my wife. I'm sorry you fell in love with me."
No answer.
"I love you so much, Rachel Berry. Please don't go. I love you, I need you."
...
She never got her answer. She never heard Rachel say 'I love you too' to her one last time. She never got to see Rachel's beautiful face full of life again. She never got to hear her beautiful voice ever again. All she got was a stupid tombstone.
But she still visits it every day. It's the closest she'll ever be to Rachel. The thick gray slab is nothing like Rachel Berry. It's not bright, it's not beautiful, and it's certainly never going to be a star, but it's the closet she'll ever get to Rachel again.
Rachel Barbra Berry
December 18, 1994-15th May 2012
Beloved daughter, friend, girlfriend, a true star.