Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does. No copyright infringement is intended, and I am making no financial gain from this, either.

Warning: This is a parody of Edward's run-in with the Volturi in New Moon (the one before Bella showed up). If you are either a total Edward fangirl or already know you are not gonna like this, just don't read it instead of flaming it. Thank you.

New Moon: Untold

"Alright," the mahogany-haired vampire king exclaimed, letting go of the copper headed vampire's hand. "So, if I recollect correctly, you wish for us to kill you due to the death of your human girlfriend?"

"Yes," Edward nodded. "Well, kind of."

"Edward," Marcus stated, "Forgive me, but I fail to understand your request. You do understand that death is permanent?"

The opaz-eyed vampire shrugged. "I guess."

"What do you mean, 'I guess'?" Caius hissed. "You come here seeking your death, yet you seem like you have no idea whatsoever what you are doing. Do you want to be killed or not?!"

"Aren't you supposed to want to spare me or something?" the young Cullen demanded confusedly. "You know, because of my super-awesome mind reading ability?"

Aro stared at Edward, then at Caius, then at Jane slaughtering a child at the back of the room, then finally back to Edward.

"Actually, nope," he said. "I read your thoughts, and seriously, I'd rather pass up your amazing talent than have to live through your annoying behavior, unnerving, creepy taste of girls and even more annoying inability to think even the most simple actions through. So... may I rip your head off now, or are you going to have a dramatic last-minute re-decision as you remember the way Bella's hair sparkled in the sun or something equally as senseless?"

"Bella's hair in the sun..." Edward closed his eyes and sighed, glittery gray venom running down his chin in ecstasy at the thought.

"Ahem," Caius spoke up. "This is not at all weird or anything."

"Can we just kill the abomination already?" Jane demanded impatiently from the corner of the throne room, momentarily looking up from feeding.

Instantly, Edward opened his eyes again, quickly wiping the venom from his chin. "Anyway," he said, "I'm going to have to ask you not to kill me. Not because of Bella's hair, though. It is pretty amazing, but... there is another reason."

"And are you going to actually tell us, or are you going to build up unnessecary suspense for another several paragraphs of this one-shot?" Didyme asked.

"Paragraphs? One-shot? What are you even talking about?" Edward asked confusedly.

"And aren't you supposed to be dead...?" Aro demanded.

"Oopsie," was Didyme's sole reply. "Well, it seems I just totally messed up this scene. Please forget everything I said, and I'll just go back to not existing."

"Yes, why don't you do that," Aro said. "Now Edward, would you please just tell us why we shouldn't kill you after all before another supposedly dead Volturi member shows up and destroys any beliefs on time, death, god and the writing skills of this fic's author we have ever had?"

Edward sighed, then nodded. "Well, if you kill me now, Bella and I can't have a super-dramatic and suspenseful reunion shortly before I commit indirect suicide by standing in the sunlight during the St. Marcus' Day festivities."

There was complete silence for a moment.

"What kind of bullshit story telling is this?!" Caius finally broke the silence.

"And do you really think so lowly of us that you would think we would not have the entire town square crawling with guards every few meters on St. Marcus Day?" Demetri added. "I mean, seriously? And don't you think we would lock you up if we knew that you were suicidal?"

"While that may be a perfectly logical and good point," Edward said, "Llamas with hats."

A loud shriek came from the right throne.

"Aro," Caius asked, his voice laced with pain, "I think I may have just gotten the pupil side of my eyes stuck in the back of my head due to extensive eye rolling."

Jane snorted, covering everything and all within a two meter radius with the blood from her mouth.

"Is that even possible?" Edward asked. "I mean, what with 'vamps can't get hurt' and all?"

"Good point," Marcus agreed. "Caius, I am sorry to say, but your injury is impossible. So I suggest you either now die a mysterious semi-explainable death due to a weird vampire illness, or you just get your eyes back into place."

A loud crack was audible.

"All good," Caius commented.

"Moving on," Aro began, "How do you even know that Bella is coming after you, Edward?"

Edward shrugged. "No idea. And somehow, I know Alice is with her. Eventhough I must say, with all the inaccuracies in this series, this should hardly make any difference."

"I'm sure it won't," Aro sighed. "Let us ponder upon this situation, then. With all the non-existing logic in this story, I am convinced that your girlfriend would rather take the plane for almost a day than swim here on your sister's back in about an hour. Are you certain you want there to be a dramatic reunion?"

"Yes," Edward said.

"Oh, god" Jane snarled. "Please don't. Rid these already terrible books of at least one terrible scene, I beg of you!"

"No can do," Edward replied. "Sorry."

Aro sighed. "It would seem we have about a day until your incredibly annoying girlfriend and cliché sister turn up here, then. What are we supposed to do with ourselves?"

"We just had to end up in a strip club, didn't we?" Aro said.

"Yep," Edward stated. "This is sooo totes awesome."

Aro shook his head. "Sulpicia will kill me."

Edward shrugged. "Pff. Just kill her first. I mean, she never even appears in any of the books, so she can't really be the most interesting person, right? According to various fanfictions, you two aren't true mates anyway."

"Is that so?" the king replied interestedly. His hope died down shortly after again, though. "But then again, in these very same fanfictions, I'm mated to Bella. Argh. No offense, Edward, but I will leave that non-smiling, unattractive, slow-minded, horse-faced, socially retarded car crash of a girl all to you."

"You, Aro of the Volturi," Edward began, staring intently at a topless waiter nearby, "are a dick."

Aro's eyes threatened to fall out of his skull at the insult. "And you must be... what does one say nowadays... a complete retard to insult me like that."

"A," Edward said, "I don't see how you would insult me with that, as my retard-dom is by now a commonly known fact. B, aardvarks with sunglasses. And three, let's get drunk."

An amused laugh left Aro's lips. "Edward," he replied seriously, "our kind does not simply get drunk."

"Ermahgerd," Edward stated as the two of them walked back to the castle while the sun went up over the city of Volterra. "Like, who would have thought we'd... we'd... we'd... like... assshhhtually get drunk...?"

"Ell Oh Ell," Aro laughed.

"Wha... what?"

"Is... isn't that... what... like... people say? Like, if they ever... laugh like... really loudly?"

"OMG!" Edward shrieked. "It's... it's... LOL! You, like, read it as one!"

"LOL!" Aro repeated. "I... I like that word. It sounds like... like... like an eye roll."

"We. Are. So. Wasted," Edward laughed, taking out his cellphone.

"We... you know... should probably... get back to the castle..." Aro stammered.

"But first," Edward smirked mischievously, "Let me take a selfie!"

Edward pushed Aro next to him, and within the blink of an eye, the camera had taken perhaps the most absurd picture ever taken: Aro, king of all vampires, and Edward, a criminal, drunkenly laughing into the cameras with duckfaces; Aro's hair had been braded and there was a pink tiara in his hair, while Edward was wearing fake plastic fangs.

"We should... we should start a hashtag," Edward laughed as Alec opened the doors to the castle. "#drunkvampires. Like, then all drunk vampires could... you know... always post their pictures...and we'd be the first... we'd start this, like, huge thing..."

"This... this... is exactly what Caius meant we shoud mo... mo.. modernize the Volturi..." Aro said as he fell over his own feet.

"Ha... happy birthday Sawyer..." Aro stuttered.

"What... what does that even mean?" Edward laughed.

"You know what?" Aro asked. "Ya... ya know what? I... I have completely no idea..."

And just then, as the first amber rays of sunlight hit Volterra, the heavy wooden doors of the Volturi castle closed behind them.

A/N: Well, drunk Aro said it: happy birthday, Sawyer. I sincerely hope that you'll have an awesome day and that this was actually an acceptable gift. All the best from Germany, and don't die, 'cause that'd suck. You rock.

Everyone else: I hope you liked this! Please leave a review! *hands out metaphorical cookies*