Celebrity Rehab: Julius Caesar Edition
A/N: This started out as a video for English as our final Julius Caesar project, and this is the script for it. The link to the video (I'm Cassius!:) ) is on my profile (or if it isn't, it will be soon). So just bear with the format, and enjoy! :) A/N
Open with "Celebrity Rehab" opening, cut to Dr. Drew.
Dr. Drew: On today's episode of Celebrity Rehab, we will try to work out the problems that have impacted the lives of those involved in the Julius Caesar assassination. We'll start with interviews of each of our patients and later show some footage of Caesar's assassination and have a group session. Our goal is to repair the lives of these traumatized individuals who have gone astray in life. There's Brutus, who killed his friend but was not imprisoned because of proven insanity and severe depression; Cassius, who has tried to kill himself multiple times; Portia, who has acute paranoia and schizophrenia; and of course, Caesar, who suffers from a dire case of ADD: Assassination Due to Disloyalty. (Spoken in a corny, suck-up voice and clasping hands together.)
Scene 1
Dr. Drew and Brutus sitting down in a room. Possibly with tea.
Dr. Drew: So Brutus, what drove you to murder Caesar?
Brutus: (after a pause) It was Cassius' idea.
Dr. Drew: (nodding gravely) So you succumbed to peer pressure. (reaches over and pats Brutus' arm) I understand. But you didn't have to go along with it.
Brutus: No, you don't understand. I had to.
Dr. Drew: (takes out notepad to write stuff down) And why is that?
Brutus: Because if Caesar became emperor, Rome wouldn't be a republic anymore.
Dr. Drew: So you killed your friend for the good of the country and the public. That's…(pause of realization)…pretty deep. You didn't have to kill him to attain your goals, though.
Brutus: There were worse things I could have done to him. (O_o)
Dr. Drew: Well, let's bring Cassius out.
Enter Cassius.
Cassius: Can I get my close up?
Zoom in (too much).
Cassius: Too close.
Zoom out a bit, fan blows and Cassius takes off his sunglasses dramatically.
Cassius: (eyes widen, grabs some Windex and runs over to windows) Oh, NO. These are not cleaned properly.
Dr. Drew: (rushes over to Cassius) No, no (Cassius protesting), no. You can clean the windows later, Cassius. (Takes Windex from him)
Cassius: (takes out knife) If you don't let me clean those windows, I will kill myself! (Hysterical)
Dr. Drew: (Takes knife from Cassius and covers camera screen with hand as she speaks) Um… We are experiencing some technical difficulties. The program will resume momentarily.
Scene 2
Cassius and Brutus are on a couch (or chairs) and Dr. Drew is a little off to the side.
Dr. Drew: (cheery and cheesy) (claps hands) Aren't you glad that you don't have to wear togas here at the clinic?
Cassius: (waves hands) Yes, it's fabulous!
Brutus: (looks at Cassius and shakes head) No. Fail, Cassius. Fail.
Cassius: (takes knife out from under cushion) (hysterical) If you can't accept the way I express myself, I don't even deserve to live anymore!
Dr. Drew: (takes knife from him) No, Cassius. What did I tell you about trying to kill yourself? (puts knife to the side) Anyway, Cassius, why did you persuade Brutus to involve himself in the murder of Caesar?
Cassius: I didn't like him.
Brutus: (gives Cassius a look)
Cassius: Oh, yeah, and if he got to be emperor, that would be, um…bad. For Rome. And stuff.
Dr. Drew: Okay then. But as I was telling Brutus, you didn't have to murder him.
Cassius: Actually, we did.
Dr. Drew: Why is that?
Brutus: (stands up) Well, I'll tell you.
(Three hours later)
Brutus: (wiping away tears) He was my friend! I didn't want to kill him! But you see… (tone softens) …I had to. For the good of Rome. I needed to put my friendship with Caesar aside and do what was best for the public, however much it pained me to do so. (covers eyes with hand and starts to cry)
Cassius: (sympathetically) O Brutus… (hand over heart)
Brutus: (regains composure and is now somewhat cocky) But then, no one could possibly be mad at me after that little escapade. I mean, look at me. Who doesn't want a piece of this?
Cassius: O Brutus. (bites air and does paw-claw-cat-thing with hand)
Dr. Drew: Well, um… I think Antony was kind of angry with you.
Brutus: (waves hand) Oh, well he doesn't count.
Cassius: (takes Brutus' hand) (dreamily) Do I count?
Brutus: (shakes off Cassius' hand) No. You're a creeper, get away from me.
Cassius: (takes out another knife) Why don't you love me?! Why am I nothing to you??!
Dr. Drew: (takes away Cassius' knife) Cassius, no. I'm going to get some more tea. Or maybe apple juice. Either way, I'll be right back, so Cassius, don't try to kill yourself. (leaves)
Cassius: (looks around, takes out another knife, grins)
Scene 3
Dr. Drew comes back in smiling. Smile fades into a look of shock and she drops the tray on the ground.
Dr. Drew: CASSIUS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?
Cassius is on the floor with the bloody knife in his hand and a bunch of cuts bleeding on his arms.
Cassius: I don't deserve to live! Brutus doesn't love me!
Dr. Drew: (yells) Can I get a paramedic in here?
Random person runs in and starts dragging Cassius away by the arm.
Cassius: In case I don't live through this… I have a something to say. (Dr. Drew leans down to listen) Girl, those shoes SO do not go with that shirt.
Dr. Drew: (angrily) Get him out of here.
Scene 4
Dr. Drew is on the couch with her tea. Brutus and Cassius are gone.
Dr. Drew: We've spoken with Cassius and Brutus so far, and Portia isn't allowed to leave her room. Now we'll speak with Caesar, who has the biggest issues of all. (looks to the side)
See Caesar's ghost enter from the side, swaggers in.)
Caesar slumps down on the couch.
Caesar: (does gangster handshake with Dr. Drew) Yo.
Dr. Drew: So Caesar, things must be very hard for you. I mean, your best friend betrayed you and murdered you.
Caesar: (shrugs) Life in the hood is like that.
Dr. Drew: Well…
Caesar: You always got people tryin' to do you in when you're the king.
Dr. Drew: Well…you didn't actually end up winning the crown.
Caesar: (points at Dr. Drew) I'm the king in this house! I'll do what I want!
Dr. Drew: Maybe we should bring Cassius and Brutus back in again.
Caesar: Nah, chill!
Dr. Drew: Come on out, guys. I think Caesar needs to face his feelings.
Caesar: (waving hands) NAH, CHILL!!
Brutus and Cassius come in arguing, Cassius is in tears.
Cassius: I thought what we had was special!
Brutus: Calm down for a minute! I'll talk to you later!
Cassius: NO! Later I'll be dead! Because you don't love me!
Brutus: (slaps Cassius in the face) Get a hold of yourself!
Cassius: Nobody likes me!
Brutus: Shut up!
The two start slapping each other (like T rexes), Dr. Drew walks over.
Dr. Drew: Okay boys, take it outside. (opens the door and pushes Cassius and Brutus outside)
Scene 5
Cassius and Brutus are on the porch facing each other.
Cassius: Hath Cassius lived to be but mirth and laughter to his Brutus when grief and blood ill-tempered vexeth him?
Brutus: When I spoke that, I was ill-tempered too.
Cassius: Do you confess so much? Give me your hand. (takes Brutus' hand)
Brutus: (dreamily) And my heart too.
Cassius: (also dreamily) O Brutus! (faints)
Dr. Drew: Now we will show some footage from Caesar's assassination.
Scene 6
Caesar: (to camera) Yo.
Metellus: (kneeling) Will you release my brother from exile?
Caesar: Nah, chill.
Metellus: (pulls on Caesar's toga) Please?
Caesar: NAH, CHILL! Stand, ho!
Metellus gets up and runs away. Fine!
Focus on Brutus, Cassius, and Casca.
Casca: (holds up knife) Speak hands for me!
The three yell and run forward.
Caesar: Aw man, why ya gotta do me like that?! (covers face with arms)
Show conspirators stabbing Caesar, but Caesar can't be seen clearly from this angle.
Brutus: Any last words?
Caesar (with blood dripping from his mouth and eyes half closed), holds up rings that say "Et tu, Bruté?" Then…fall…Caesar.
Scene 7
Dr. Drew: We were making some progress in the past few weeks, but lately our patients have lapsed into their old habits. Caesar has been smoking some unknown substance—
Cut to Caesar smoking a bubble pipe. He falls on his face.
—Brutus has been drinking—
Cut to Brutus at a table with a beer bottle, also falls on face.
—Cassius just got back from the hospital because he tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof. Brutus took pictures. —
(Show the photo-shopped pictures)
—and Portia has been getting into fights with Caesar.
Cut to Portia sitting against a wall. She bangs her hands against the wall and screams, "CAESAR! TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!!!"
Caesar: Nah, chill.
Portia: KNOCK IT OFF!
See the two on either side of the wall.
Caesar: Yo, why you always gotta be up in my business like that?
Portia: You have terrible taste in music!
Caesar: Yo, what you just say to me?
Portia: YOU HEARD ME!
Caesar: You wanna go? (climbs on top of wall and there is a bunch of yelling.)
Scene 8
Dr. Drew: To help re-connect with our disturbed patients, we are having a conference with everyone today. (claps hands) So we all brought lunch, right? …Um, where's Cassius, by the way? Has anyone seen him?
See Cassius tap on the window and run away.
Dr. Drew: Did you guys see something?
Caesar and Brutus: shrug.
Cassius runs in through side door with towel cape and giant glasses, yells, eventually sits down on the couch next to Brutus.
Dr. Drew: (cocks head) Cassius, are you high?
Cassius: (laughs creepily) Kill me. (reaches over to Brutus' leg, Brutus slaps him away.)
Dr. Drew: (shakes head) Well, let's introduce ourselves. Cassius, would you like to start?
Cassius: I'm high. I mean, Cassius.
Everyone: Hi, Cassius.
Portia: (yells)
Caesar: Yo.
Everyone: Hi, Caesar.
Portia: (yells)
Brutus: I'm Brutus.
Everyone: Hi, Brutus.
Dr. Drew: What about you, Portia?
Portia: (screams)
Everyone: Hi, Portia.
Dr. Drew: So what did we all bring for lunch?
Brutus takes out a granola bar, Cassius takes out a banana, and Caesar takes out his bubble pipe.
Dr. Drew: Portia, what did you bring for lunch?
Portia: Hot coals!
Dr. Drew: (rushes over to closet) Uh, no, Portia, that's a bad idea…Oh, she's dead. (closes door) Security will get the body.
Cassius and Brutus share a worried look.
Dr. Drew: You know, the foods we eat can tell us a lot about a person—Cassius, why are you eating your banana like that?
Cassius stops licking his banana and puts it off to the side.
Dr. Drew: You know what? Meeting adjourned.
Dr. Drew: It's been about a month, so we have decided that one of our patients is ready to go home: Cassius! (claps) Yay! Over this past month, he only tried to commit suicide five times, and only hit on Brutus twice a day.
Scene 9
Cassius hanging off the side of the porch, Brutus on the porch.
Brutus: Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; if not, why then this parting was well made.
Cassius: Forever, and forever, farewell, Brutus! If we do meet again, we'll smile indeed; if not, 'tis true this parting was well made.
Cassius turns away, stays there for a minute, then turns around and points at Brutus.
Cassius: You never loved me! (jumps off porch) Look up at Brutus looking over the side, show Cassius on the driveway.
Brutus goes down, takes Cassius' wallet, takes his money. Portia is cowering by the side.
Brutus: Come, ho! We're getting outta here. The two run away.
Scene 10
Antony and Octavius laughing over the video.
Antony: (turns toward camera) Friends, countrymen, lend me your ears. (pause) These guys are pathetic.
Octavius: Nah, chill!
Credits start to "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse
A/N: So that was the script to our video, it has the same name on Youtube, by obiwan2damaxx (me), so go and watch it! ;) Anyway, hope you all liked, and one more thing:
Nah, chill!
A/N