It only took a second for the life I'd always known to disappear. It was there, then I stuffed up and it was gone. I'll never get a second chance.
The accident was all my fault. I pushed him to far. My baby brother, always eager to please. He'd do almost anything for me. And I betrayed him. I watched helplessly as he fell to the ground and landed with his legs sticking in all the wrong directions.
I don't remember much after it happened. Splotchy bits of memory here and there. Oscar splayed on the ground, my hands fumbling for my phone, tears splashing on his unresponsive body, and white, lots of white. The hospital was terrible, I sat for hours, my parents coming soon after I arrived with the ambulance and my mother, crying and crying and crying.
When they said he'd never walk again the guilt was even worse, my parents looked at me and I knew they blamed me too.
From that moment on, I stopped being the fun loving Felix and became Felix Ferne, goth, witch and all round freak.
The worst bit was that Oscar didn't blame me. Not in the slightest. I almost would have preferred it if he was angry. I did this to him, he should hate my guts. But he doesn't.
For me Mother's Day quickly became a dreaded occasion. Dad got Oscar and I to make a nice card for Mum while he cooked blueberry pancakes and drizzled them with maple syrup. Then Oscar would give the card to Mum, Dad would hand her the tray and I would stand awkwardly in the corner. Mum would burst into tears and then she and Dad would give me this look and the guilt would return fresh as ever.
Today he apologised.
"I'm sorry Felix. I'm sorry for how Mum and Dad treat you now. I know it's not your fault this happened."
But it is Oscar. It is.