Disclaimer: I don't own anything that's familiar
Title: Longing For You
Words: 605
Pairing: One sided Ashley/Hotch
Note: This is a little Holiday gift for Longing for Oblivion because she wrote me a story for my birthday last year and I thought that I should repay the favour. Happy Holidays!
Longing For You
It was a cool night, perfect temperature for resting but she finds herself in bed, staring up at the beige ceiling of her new apartment, unable to sleep. She supposes that six months isn't really considered new but it still feels new to her. She shifts, turning her body so that now she's staring at the door, instead. Her mind wanders off to him, once again. He was widowed, he had a child. Not to mention he was a lot older than her, and he was everything she couldn't have but wanted. You see that was always her problem since she was a little girl, always wanting what wasn't hers, always wishing for things that could never be.
It wasn't like she was in love with him or anything close to that. No, it's just that ever since he stopped her father, she had felt a connection to him. And even though she wanted it to be, she figured it wasn't reciprocated. Everyday she was with them proved her point.
She'd never admit it out loud but when her father was taken away, she was glad that he talked to her and checked up on her, even if it was just because he seemed to feel sympathy or pity for her. She didn't want to believe that it was because he considered her a "victim". She hated using that word to describe herself because she willed herself to believe that she's not a victim. And yes, she supposes that even though Charles never physically touched her, the psychological damage was just as bad. But she still chooses to believe that it could've been worse, a lot worse.
She chooses to believe that he actually didn't see her as a victim, that he saw her as who she was or rather who she wanted people to believe that she was, a beautiful young woman. She chooses to believe that he decided to bring her on the team, not only for her ability to connect and understand certain things because of her childhood but because a small part of him wanted her there, with him.
That's also another one of her problems, she chooses to believe in things that maybe she shouldn't. But it's not her fault, not really. No one can expect someone to live with somebody like Charles Beauchamp and not have some issues that needed to be worked through. She's not stupid; she knows that much as doesn't like to admit it, Charles caused her some problems. She knows that she's a little broken, but who isn't? She knows that he's not perfect, far from it but it doesn't matter. She knows that her feelings for him won't change and that his feelings for her won't either. And as much as she wished and wanted, she didn't belong with them, with him.
So, when he informs the team during their briefing about budget cuts and changes, she decides to leave. She decides that she would do him a favour, even though he didn't ask, even though he didn't expect it, even though he wouldn't know or even understand her reasons for leaving, she do it for him. She would do it because it's her attempt at closure. It was her attempt to prove that she could let go, of the life that wasn't reality, of the thoughts that she had no right thinking. It was her attempt to prove that she was fixated on him because she was in a rut. Because convincing herself of that was a lot easier than convincing herself that her feelings ran deeper than what she kept telling herself.
AN: I was rewatching season six and seven and I got a little mad when they took Ashley of the show without explaining anything, and I've wanted to explore Ashley's mind, for a while now. So, I came up with this.