Cowboy X: The Movie
A Peanut-filled Adventure starring "Spikey" Spulder and Edward Applescully
(Based on the Cowboy Bebop movie, the first X-Files movie and a bit of the X-Files episodes Anasazi and The Blessing Way. All these are property of their creators.)
=H=
Picture a cold and distant landscape, full of shadows and icy blue curves. A primitive apelike creature skulks in the shadows. Suddenly a giant hand plucks him up from the shadow of a marble and removes him with a flick from the gigantic game board.
This has absolutely nothing to do with our story.
=H=
There are some kids in the desert. They are wandering around, hungry and wishing for snacks. One of them falls down a hole. "Hey! Peanuts!" he says.
=H=
Agent Spulder is looking for someone in connection with peanut oil smuggling. He's gotten a tip about a stolen tanker truck.
Spulder has found the missing truck full of peanut oil, or at least it says so on the side. He is following it down the highway, hoping it will lead him to the rest of the smuggling gang. Suddenly a guy in a black trench coat with long, curly black hair jumps out of the cab and tumbles along the curb. Spulder's car skids to a halt as the tanker truck runs straight into an office building, and the truck and building explode. A cloud of dust spreads out over the surrounding blocks.
Spulder looks on in horror. Things are happening as if in slow motion. Spulder looks for the jettisoned driver, but he has disappeared. Spulder calls for backup but there are already sirens in the distance.
Finally the FBI shows up. But Spulder has already skedaddled. While the others are investigating the exploded building Spulder is in the convenience store across the street. He buys a can of soda. Ed comes looking for him there.
Edward Applescully is Spulder's partner. She's a brainy, red-haired, green-eyed, twelve-year-old computer hacker. They've been assigned to each other because they're both brilliant, but both tend to wander off if left unaccompanied.
"Found you!" Ed does a little dance to celebrate.
"Yup, I'm here. But can you believe this place doesn't have any pumpkin seeds? How will I get my protein?" Oddly, Spulder is a vegetarian.
Spulder gets a call from their boss.
"Spulder. Uh-huh. Yes. What? Uh-oh. That doesn't sound easily referenced."
"What? What did he say?" Ed asks.
"Whatever was in that truck is making people who were near the explosion get sick."
Ed is like "eww you're germy germy stay away!" but then Spulder takes a sip of his soda. Ed is like "Hey, soda!" and she grabs it from him and drinks it.
Spulder protests, "Hey, I thought you were afraid of my germs. Now my soda's not even my own?"
But Ed's not paying attention. She drinks it up and is like "Hey I found something" through her teeth which are apparently closed on said thing. She spits it out. "It's a peanut." It's a double peanut still in its shell, like a cartoon peanut.
Some dude comes out of the bathroom and says something about beef stew, then laughs. Spulder shoots him. Factory-farmed beef is no laughing matter.
=H=
There's a blue glow in the hastily erected lab. What is happening to these people? Their bones are dissolving and eating them alive! The lab workers are very nervous.
One of them chokes on a macadamia nut and has a coughing fit. In a panic, the others shut him in with the patients. He tries to protest, but his throat is dry.
"Curse you, macadamia!" he yells once he has recovered his voice.
=H=
Spulder's partner looks through a microscope, for some reason at the peanuts that she found in Spulder's soda. They're out of their shells now. Apparently they're fascinating. She waves her arms wildly like two possessed pieces of spaghetti.
"These nuts are nutty. Their shape is funny!"
"They just look like normal peanuts to me," Spulder says.
"No, no, silly, look through the microscope!"
He looks. "Woah, they're like Swiss cheese. They've got tiny little holes all through them. What could do that?"
"I dunno," says Ed, who is now standing on her head.
=H=
The next day Spulder gets a letter.
The virus does the same thing to bones as it does to peanuts. Eats them from the inside. Agents. Do you know what's been happening in Texas? If you don't you should. Also there's this guy named Vincent.
Spulder wonders who this message could be from and how he can find the sender. Then he sees that there is a return address, complete with a name - Dr. Menderweil. So he goes to the address.
The doctor has apparently been running a male enhancement spam scam. The local LEOs are seizing his computer. The doctor is nowhere in sight. Spulder wanders outside and sits down to have a smoke.
"Mr. Spulder? You're the one who's looking into this peanut thing?"
"Dr. Menderweil. Is what the cops say about you true? Do you really sell those drugs?"
"Maybe. Maybe not. But that's not what you need to know about. You need to know about Vincent."
"All right. Who is this Vincent?"
"The Saturnians contacted a certain Earth corporation and asked them for help with their genetic research. It was a bioweapon, and the corporation was promised access to the antidote, and safety when the invasion began. One of the test subjects went crazy, escaped and was apparently hiding a stash of the virus in a cave in Texas. That is Vincent Krycek."
"And he's the one who ran that truck into a building? What did he hope to accomplish?"
"Who knows? He's crazy. Crazy people do all kinds of things."
"How do you know all this?"
Menderweil sighed. "I didn't know what I was being asked to do. By the time I learned the Saturnians were involved, it was too late. The damage had been done."
"How am I supposed to find this guy?"
"You need to go to Texas and find Vincent's stash. You should be able to track it. Unfortunately it's found its way into the population."
=H=
Spulder and his partner are walking through Texas. Spulder has his suit jacket over his shoulder and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Ed isn't wearing any shoes, and is dancing around because the sand is hot.
"Sand is hot, feet are hotter, Ed is hot, Ed wants water!" she sings.
"Why do I drag you around with me everywhere?" Spulder asks. "I never really liked kids."
"Because the boss-person says so," she crows.
Some kids ride up on bicycles. "Where are you going?" asks Ed.
"Nowhere," says a kid furtively.
"You live in that town over there, right?" Spulder asks, pointing to a cluster of houses on the edge of the sea of sand.
"Yep," says another kid.
"There any nut shops in town?"
"You're a nut shop, mister! What're you talking about?" the first kid says.
"What about big holes in the ground with nuts in them? You know, the kind that you eat, and your eyes turn black?"
"Um, we're not supposed to talk about that." The boys look frightened.
"I think you better tell me," says Spulder.
"Why?"
"'Cause he's a big-time cowboy!" Ed giggles.
"Tch. You're not a cowboy," a boy says.
"Oh yeah?" Spulder says.
Another kid raises his eyebrows at them. "Yeah, and we should know. We live in Texas."
=H=
There are some people sitting around a large, lavish, but darkened room. They all have serious, important expressions on their faces. All but one of them are smoking cigarettes. The non-smoking man gets up and begins to speak.
"The virus has escaped and begun to infect the populace. This is unacceptable. The Saturnians will believe we have revealed it on purpose to betray them. We must destroy the virus and all the possible information leaks."
"That will prove difficult. Spulder knows about it."
"How did he find out?"
"It was probably Dr. Menderweil."
"I thought he was in Morocco."
"Don't you mean Tunisia?"
"Isn't that the one with the famous mountain?"
"Learn your geography, you idiot!"
"Elektrana, it'll be your job to find Dr. Menderweil," says the non-smoking man. "Find out what he knows about the release of the pathogen, and then make sure he tells no one else." He puts out a cigarette in a sinister way; lacking any of his own to perform this action with, he takes the one out of the mouth of the man with the hooked nose.
=H=
Spulder meets with a source in the police department. Local people are after the doctor for more illegal online pharmaceutical trading. But they still can't find him. Spulder asks what they've come up with regarding the doctor's past.
"It's the strangest thing," his source says. "He was working for a peanut oil company. What would they want with a pathologist?"
Meanwhile, Edward hacks into the company website to find a folder called "Peanut R&D" and a location of one of their secret testing grounds.
=H=
Spulder and his partner cross another horizon somewhere in Texas, somewhen past the twilight and into the darkness. There are fields of crops, and past them, some giant ribbed fabric structures.
"Is it just me or do those look like big tents shaped like pumpkins?"
"Yup!" Ed says.
"What do you do in a big tent shaped like a pumpkin?"
"Maybe you roast pumpkin seeds!"
Spulder's mouth starts to water. Pumpkin seeds are his favorite.
"Race you!" Ed yells and starts off through the field.
The rows of crops are shorter than corn. In fact, they might be peanuts. Spulder makes a mental note.
Ed gets through the double metal doors before him. There's a buzzing noise. "Buzz, buzz, on and on; but where's the snacks?" Ed sings.
Spulder finally catches up with Ed, and grabs her by the arm. "Hey, be careful!" he says. "Anything could've been in here!"
"Owie!" Ed exclaims. "That hurt!"
"Sorry, kid, but you brought it on yourself," Spulder says.
"No, not you! A bee bit me!" she whines.
Suddenly Spulder realizes that there are clouds of bees rising from the floor. "Uh-oh," he says.
"Oooh, look at all the pretty butterflies," Ed mutters, staring up into the huge orange dome.
"No, I'm pretty sure those are bees," Spulder says, attempting to herd Ed towards the doors.
"No, no, lunkhead lunkhead! Butterflies," she whispers, and collapses into his arms. "Ed feels funny, no smells funny, no tastes funny. Anyway, go to sleep now." Her eyes close.
"Oh, now what?" Spulder says disgustedly before running for the door, holding Ed's limp body and cursing.
A black helicopter comes down out of the sky. Spulder tries to run through the fields, but they are not very good cover, and the black-haired man from the tanker accident comes out and snatches Ed. The helicopter takes off with her in it.
Then Spulder gets really depressed. He drives back into town, thinking.
"Peanuts…peanuts….Where do you find peanuts?" Spulder sighs. "The kid's gone, I don't know where, and I'm stuck here looking for peanuts. Man, I could use a drink. Hey, that's it! Bars!"
He finds a bar and sits down at it. "A drink…anything…and peanuts."
"Why, is the world going to end?" says the girl behind the bar.
"Eventually…if I don't find the solution to this mystery. It's all a huge conspiracy…the war on Saturn, the peanut oil industry, broccoli, my sister Julia's kidnapping, killer bees, the Hanta virus, peanuts with holes in them like Swiss cheese….That's what I'm looking for now."
"Uh-huh," the bartender nods, and pours him a fourth drink. "So the Saturnians kidnapped your sister?"
"Yup, they cloned her and sent them all to fight in their war. I don't know if I'll ever see her again….Julia…." Spulder's eyes glazed over and he stared into space, a shot glass dangling from his fingers.
"That must be tough," the girl says.
"Yeah, well, especially because all the other FBI agents won't believe me, and I can get kind of bad-tempered about it. I've been known to kick people. They call me Spikey – Spikey Spulder."
"So you're looking for peanuts?"
"Yeah, and I've been to forty-one other bars, and nobody knows anything about any funny peanuts."
"Well, looks like forty-two is your lucky number."
"Why, you know something?"
"Yeah, the Vorgons are coming. Quick, put some peanuts in your pockets, and whatever happens, don't panic."
"Lady, you're crazier than I am!" Spulder stands, and backs unsteadily away from the bar.
He turns to the back of the establishment, looking for a restroom, but all he finds is an exit. He exits, and looks around the dark alley.
"Hey, a giant vase! Perfect!" He gets down to business.
A voice comes from behind him. "I see you found a vase that's perfect for you."
He finishes his business, then turns to the man. "Hello, Dr. Menderweil. The police are after you again, you know."
The man raises his eyebrows. "I'm not in half the trouble you seem to be in, Mr. Spulder. Where's your partner?"
"She got the virus, and then the man who crashed the tanker truck yesterday kidnapped her in a black helicopter. I thought he must have died. You must have some idea. How do I get the cure to this virus?"
"You know, nuts can be quite dangerous. Especially the kind like Vincent. He doesn't care if he dies, because he's already dead." The doctor looked at him meaningfully.
"Um, what are you trying to tell me?"
"Vincent died of the virus years ago. But death is a state of mind. No one died in the explosion who wasn't already dead. And the only way to conquer death is to find the life that others have given up."
"That's still a little too cryptic for me."
"Oh, fine. Vincent has the antivirus circulating in his bloodstream. You have to find him in order to save Ed."
"All right. Do you have any idea where he might have taken her?"
"She's on the bridge that will go from earth to heaven."
"I'm tempted to just kick you and get it out of you that way, you know."
Dr. Menderweil sighed. "Fine, here are the coordinates."
=H=
Spulder finds Vincent in a train yard. They spot each other at the same moment and soon have guns pointed at each other.
"What did you do with my partner? Where is Ed?" he yells. But Vincent does not answer.
Spulder comes in closer, hiding a syringe in his hand. They grapple. Spulder manages to take a blood sample, but at great cost. Vincent shoots him in the chest.
Semiconscious, he falls into or out of a train car, it's hard to tell, and then is engulfed in either fire or water. It's all very confusing. Anyway the local shaman's young relative drags him out and brings him to safety.
Spulder lies naked and bandaged under the blanket. The shaman watches over him, keeping the fire going.
He sees visions of people he knows, or did know. They ask him whether he would rather live in the real world, or in a perfect one. "It's your choice," they tell him. "But you cannot choose what world you go to from here, only what you do to make that world better."
The shaman is there when Spulder wakes up.
"Was it all just a dream?" Spulder wonders.
"You have looked upon the land of death, Soggy Bird. Did you find in it the truth you are seeking?"
Spulder pauses a moment, and then replies. "The truth seems less important right now. Right now I'm seeking two things. The vial of blood I had with me?"
The shaman opens one of his hands to reveal the vial.
"And pants."
The shaman opens his other hand apologetically. It contains a handful of pumpkin seeds.
"Eh, good enough. That was in my top three." Spulder takes these things, and the blanket, and leaves.
=H=
Spulder sneaks into the secret compound in a cleaning truck. It's snowing. There are office buildings. But he's still a little off the given coordinates, so he drives back into the trees. There is totally a spaceship there. Spulder decides this has to be the place he's looking for.
=H=
Spulder arrives on the bridge of the spaceship. He can tell by the controls that it's a Saturnian vessel. Ed is there, but so is Vincent.
"You're too late. The launch sequence has started. Soon the virus will be spread across the planet."
Spulder raises his gun, but again Vincent has one at the ready as well.
"How did you get this ship away from the Saturnians?" Spulder asks.
"They made this possible with their twisted experiments. The antivirus is made from alien DNA. They think I'm one of them."
Spulder looks around desperately. He knows he's running out of time. Ed is looking quite pale.
"There's nothing you can do. Only I can control this ship. You might as well give up now."
"You're assuming I have an interest in stopping this launch."
"If you kill me, your world will end."
Spulder totally shoots him dead right there.
He injects Ed with Vincent's blood. She looks better immediately. In just a minute she wakes up.
"Hello, partner," he says as she blinks and her eyes wander and then focus.
"Do you see the butterflies, Spikey?"
"Yes," says Spulder. "They're pretty."
"What do they mean?" Ed asks.
"It's the end of the world. This is the bridge that will go from earth to heaven. And it will take us with it."
"Are you sure?" Ed asks, looking around more alertly now.
"I tried the controls but none of them seem to do anything. This is the Saturnian symbol for 'Abort,' isn't it?" He touches the control again and nothing happens.
Ed scrunches up her face. "So how did the bad dude start it?"
But before Spulder can answer, there is a mighty rumbling all around them. Through the portal at the front of the ship, they can see the ground drop away.
"Help me up!" Ed insists. So Spulder carries her to the pilot's seat, kicking Vincent's body out of the way before setting her down.
"You think you can get it to work?" Spulder asks.
"Of course I can, silly!" And as she touches the controls, they light up. The ship stops and hovers in midair, then sets back down. "See?"
And Spulder makes up his mind never again to doubt the skills of Edward Applescully.
=H=
Spulder is sitting on a bench, happily cracking pumpkin seeds open with his teeth. Agent Applescully comes along, walking her dog, Einqueg. She sits next to him.
"Hello!" she greets him.
"Hey, Ed."
"I hate writing reports," she says with conviction.
"Everyone does. But I'm betting it's particularly hard for us. I mean what do I write? The Saturnians are planning to invade soon, and we should prepare? Half the people at HQ still don't believe they exist, which is pretty strange, considering how much we know about them. It's too bad the peanut corporation destroyed that ship before we could show it to anyone else. Or maybe not. It was too dangerous to exist."
Ed grins at him. "Well, I can always steal another. Now that I've got magic alien fingers." And she wiggles them in front of his face.
Einqueg yaps in agreement.
Spulder smiles back. "Well, that's settled, then. Next job: steal an alien ship."
The End XD