Original Sin

After he left Teal'c in the locker room, Jack hurried toward the elevator. It was soooo typically Teal'c to confront him on his emotions just when he was just about to loose it. He needed to get out of here as fast as possible. He hadn't lied. He didn't want to hear that the probabilities to find the Prometheus were getting smaller and smaller as time went by. He didn't want to hear about the chances of the ship being attacked and blown up. He didn't want to think that Carter could be lost out there for ever.

They had been searching the whole galaxy, visiting every planet with a stargate on the route the Prometheus should have followed. No one had seen anything. The Tok'ra didn't get results either. Crap. She was somewhere. She would find a way to come home. There was no other way. He did not want to hear about anything else. She would come home. She had to. He couldn't let her down. She couldn't let him down.

Because that was just it. Saving her would also save him. She was his. Even if they never could be together, they belonged to each other. He needed her in his life.

Once home, Jack made himself an omelet. Found some bread, a beer, a bottle of ketchup. He sat down with his plate at the table in his kitchen, looking out through the bay window in the garden and up to the sky, trying to see a sign, something. She was up there, somewhere. He could see her face in the clouds, the wind in her locks, her smile. He smiled back to her. In his mind, his hand was cupping her jaw and his thumb could stroke her cheek. She would close her eyes and he would brush her lips with his finger. Her lips would part, inviting him to kiss her. She would stroke the back of his neck. He felt his hair raising just there. A dark cloud blocked the sun and changed the light outside. He shivered and his smile fainted. Just daydreaming...

He looked down at his cold food on the plate, sighed and took it to the fridge. He couldn't eat a thing just now. Even his beer remained untouched. He went to bed, exhausted after three days in the mountain, worrying and searching. At least he would forget his worries for some hours while he was asleep, he thought. But sleep avoided him. He stayed awake for hours, waiting for exhaustion to take him, and nothing came. He ached for her, needed to see her safe home. He couldn't just relax when she was out there, in danger, in pain perhaps, or worst... No. No that was not an option. She would come home soon. Soon...

The alarm clock indicated 04.00 and he was still wide awake. Frustrated, he got up to shower and left to the base. At least he could do something useful there! Four days since the Prometheus' last contact. Four days...

"Teal'c!" he called when he spotted the Jaffa as the elevator's doors opened. "Any news?"

"Nothing O'Neill" Teal'c turned a concerned eye to the Colonel. "Would you accompany me to the commissary?"

"Well.. isn't it too early for breakfast still?" Jack tried. It was definitely not an O'Neillism to refuse an invitation to the commissary. Teal'c's glare at him made it obvious that he knew Jack had hardly eaten or slept since Sam had been missing, and he hated that anyone could know that. "OK, let's go for breakfast" he complied.

Teal'c looked satisfied and both men made their way back to the elevator. Teal'c was probably hungry. He filled his tray with fruits, waffles and eggs. The sight of the waffle and eggs gave Jack a nausea. He could definitely not swallow that for breakfast today! He took a glass of juice, a cup of coffee and some cereals. Teal'c was mostly silent while he ate. Jack managed to get the juice down, and a couple of spoons from his cereals because Teal'c was looking at him. His mind kept wandering to space, trying to find her, to rejoin her.

"O'Neill" called Teal'c again. Jack stood up.

"Sorry T. I'll see you later"

He left rapidly. He just HAD to know if there was anything new. He rushed to the control room. There were only two airmen from the night crew. They had nothing. Nothing! Jack could barely contain himself from yelling at them! They SHOULD have something! What were these guys paid for?! And the Tok'ra? It was certainly not night time where they were! Why didn't they send word? Jacob was one of them and Sam was his daughter! They HAD to find her! The Prometheus was a HUGE ship, it could not disappear like that! Jack was fuming.

Then he saw fear in the eyes of the airman in front of him. That kid was barely 25 and Jack could be frightening when he was out of his mind, he knew that. The kid could not produce news that didn't exist. It was not his fault. Jack's anger vanished at once. He patted the kid's shoulder, then rushed his hand through his own hair and went to his office. He turned his computer on and decided to write his report about the mission from the day before. But they had not found a thing so it went quite fast: the people were primitive, they had not seen any ship, end of the story. That was not helping Sam. Sam... Where are you? he asked his wall. He jerked out of his chair and rushed to the briefing room to look at the gate from the window. Perhaps if he wished it strong enough, the gate would activate and she would come through? Sighing, he made his way to the end of the room and studied the map of the galaxy where the Prometheus was supposed to be. There was their last position, then they had entered hyperspace about there, and now...? They could be anywhere. He came back to the window and lent his forehead there. It was cold against his blooming headache. He closed his eyes.

"Colonel?" said Hammond somewhere in his subconscious. "Jack! Are you alright?!" said the voice, concerned.

"What?"

"Were you sleeping against that window Colonel?" Hammond asked in indignation. "I thought I had ordered you to go home and get some rest!"

"I did!... General... I went home. I just... I came back this morning" Jack said sheepishly.

"How long have you been standing here? It's 7 a.m. Have you slept at all?"

"Well... obviously" said Jack, waving toward the window.

"Jack..." said General Hammond, pushing Jack down on a chair in his office. "I am concerned about you. I know you worry about Major Carter but it will not help her to push yourself to exhaustion. You need rest if you are to go off-world. I will have to call today's mission off until you are rested enough to be fit for duty"

"General!" protested Jack indignant, jumping on his feet.

"I'm sorry Jack. You are exhausted, you are NOT fit to lead a team off-world and that's final. Now go and get some rest before I order you to the infirmary and have Doctor Fraiser sedate you"

Jack was about to protest again when he caught Hammond's eyes. He would do it, he was sure. Jack dropped his head and made his way toward the door.

"Yes Sir"

"Jack?" Hammond called again.

"Yes Sir?"

"Is there something I should know?"

Hammond must have known about his forbidden feelings for his 2IC. But he had never acted on them so no, there was nothing to tell. He had been a good little soldier, a loyal officer and a respectful CO. And now she would never know. And his life would have no meaning anymore.

"No Sir" he said sadly.

"Colonel?" Jack lifted his head to look back at the General. "I want you to sleep. We are doing all we can here. If you don't manage to sleep by yourself, I want you to go to Doctor Fraiser and get help from her. Is that clear?"

"Yes Sir"

The General looked as Jack sadly made his way out of the office. Members of any SGC team shared a strong bond, but SG-1 was special. They were the front team, they had faced more dangers than the rest of the other teams put together and the chemistry between them was especially strong. But Major Carter was the most important member of that dynamic, the three others would do anything for her. All SGC personal were fond of her, but her team members loved her. They were family, closer than family. And Jack... If they lost Major Carter, they would loose him too, of that General Hammond had no doubt.

After one hour staring at the roof of his quarters, Jack strolled down to the infirmary and asked for a couple of pills to sleep. He asked Janet for any news and as she had none, he swallowed the pills and went back to his bed. It did not take long before the pills knocked him out, and therefore he did not hear the klaxons announcing an off-world activation.

When he woke up after six hours dreamless lethargy, he stumbled his way to the control room and bumped into General Hammond.

"How are you Son? Did you get any sleep?"

"Yes Sir. Fraiser gave me a couple. Any news Sir?"

"I am on my way to see Major Carter at the infirmary now"

"Really? How is she? When did she get here?" Jack eagerly asked, following the General to the elevator. Hammond chuckled.

"She'll be fine. Just exhausted I've been told. She came back about four hours ago"

"What happened? How are the other members of the crew?"

"Everybody is fine, thanks to Major Carter. We will debrief as soon as she is up to it"

They arrived to the infirmary and the General went to Doctor Fraiser to get her opinion about Sam's condition. Meanwhile, Jack could not take his eyes from her. She was here. She was back. Alive. He walked religiously up to her bed and filled his eyes with the sight of her, healing four days of angst and allowing himself to relax, at last. He brushed her hand with the tip of his fingers, afraid to touch her, but needing to be sure she really was there. Completely absorbed by her, he did not hear the General leaving, and it took ten minutes before he realized the guys were there too. Daniel was asleep on a chair against the wall opposite her bed, Teal'c on his side was scrutinizing Jack.

"Hey. Been here long?" he asked as he spotted his friends.

"We have been here since Major Carter came back. Doctor Fraiser said you were sleeping and we did not want to disturb you. Major Carter is fine and just needs to rest O'Neill"

At their voices, Daniel woke up and the three of them shared the info they had about what had happened. Then they decided to throw a party when Sam would be up and around, and Jack sent his friends to rest. He sat on the bed aside hers and fed himself on the sight of her. Even pale and asleep, she was painfully beautiful and he constantly had to remind himself that he was her CO and had no right to touch her, although he was dying to. He was dreaming of a life with no frat regs, where they could have a life together, where all these forbidden, hidden feelings could come out in the light instead of killing him day after day.

"Jack?" she said. An electrical jolt went through him. Jack?! Did she have the same dreams as he had?

"Excuse me?" he asked, confused. After a few seconds, she had regained her spirits

"Sorry Sir" Ice fell on him, the magic was gone. She was his 2IC, he was her CO.

He joked the moment and his deception away, announced their intention to throw her a party, and her smile was worth it. In an attempt to gain a little more time with her, he offered to fetch her something, but she eluded it with her eternal "I'm fine"

"Yes you are" he couldn't refrain himself to say. Then, before he could say something stupid, he left.

The debriefing had not given him a clue. Neither did her report. Nothing in what she said had happened on the ship could explain why she kept her distance with him since she was back. Since she had said his name. Maybe she just had a dream? A dream where she called him by name? Did she also have that kind of dreams?

Jack was restless. He never found a moment alone with her, the guys were always around, and he did not feel like visiting her lab in the middle of the night. He had done so before though, and the cameras had not bothered him. That was because then, he had only acted as a CO. But since he nearly lost her, he wanted to tell her... things... important things. Things that a CO shouldn't tell. And although cameras would not register the words, the cameras were enough for him to remain silent.

They had the party at his place, with half of the base personal. That gave him an excuse to keep busy in the kitchen because it took him less than ten minutes to get annoyed by the enamored looks some of the men could send her, and even worst, to listen to their sappy words to her. To his relief, she did not even seem to notice their nearly-declarations and they did not insist. Perhaps because he had had the good idea to invite General Hammond too. Or perhaps because they were in his house and they were afraid of him. Serves them well. Anyway, Sam was not interested in them so there was no risk there, was it? Still, it went on his nerves... OK, everybody was happy that she was back, but they did not have a right to flirt with her. That was HIS right, right? Even though they had done little of that lately... He missed it. He loved to flirt with her, although it was dangerous for his peace of mind, to surf on the edge of his feelings for her. It was no game for him, if it ever went too far he would loose it and do something he would regret. But she knew him so well... She knew how to talk to him with her eyes, a half smile, an eyebrow... Did she also know how many hours he was spending, looking at the roof of his bedroom, unable to sleep because of her? Did she...?

And then, a morning, the catastrophe happened. He was riding the elevator down to his office. The elevator stopped and there she was, with Daniel. Daniel went back to the commissary for some coffee, and Jack saw his chance to talk to her. He was wondering how to say what he wanted to say when he startled at her: she was humming!

"Humming!?"

"I am?"

"You are!"

"Sorry"

Silence fall between them and Jack wondered what he could say now to turn the conversation the way he wanted. He tried a joke.

"What's his name?"

She protested "Now why would..."

He cut her "Humming!"

She turned away from him and there it came "Pete"

He felt himself turning liquid and splash on the floor. Good he had the elevator's wall to hold himself standing.

"Pete?" he managed to say in a detached tone.

"Pete Shannahan. He's a cop"

"Speeding again are we?" he said, not really knowing what he meant with it.

"He's from Denver, he's a friend of my brothers"

"Set up" he dropped, sarcastic.

"Pathetic I know" she apologized.

"No, it's great" he protested. He could never think of her or anything she did as pathetic!

"Really?" What? Did she need his authorization now?

"Isn't it?" he checked.

"Well, it's not serious or anything" Good. So she was just having fun. That worked for him. Sort of. But...

"And yet, it's.. hum worthy" he worried.

"Sir..."

"Oh Carter, it's none of my business. I'm just happy that you're happy about something other than... quarks" he tried to joke. He could NOT let her know that she had just crucified him. He had to keep his role as a CO now, and she had a right to her life, even if it devastated his own. She looked at him and he did his best to remained composed. The air in this elevator was getting heavy.

"Not bad with quarks, huh?" he attempted.

"Excellent.." God that elevator could be so slow!

"A bit uncomfortable isn't it?"

"Yeah, a bit"

At last the doors opened and he walked out. "Good luck" he felt he had to add.

"Thank you Sir" she answered as she was supposed to. He went straight to the bathroom and sprayed his face with cold water, trying to regain control of his heart. She is just having fun. She is just having fun. Why does she has to have fun with a guy named Pete? God, the guy in that mirror was definitely gray. His hair was rapidly turning silver these days, and his face was white like a sheet. Or was it green? He had to sit down... How could he let this go so hard on him? He tried to reason himself. She was having FUN. This was nothing serious. It was not too late. But of course now he would have to wait a little more. How pathetic would it be to run after her and declare his flame when she just told him she was having fun with some guy? Pete guy... He could wait. Military mode. He could handle that. He straightened himself, dried the water from his face and left.

But it was difficult to see the days go and she would look light and happy. Well, he loved to see her happy, but he hated to know that it came from someone else. He had always had these paradoxical feelings about her happiness. He would probably always have them, because the only way to avoid it would be that her happiness came from him. And how would this happen anyway?

Daniel was grumpy. Apparently, he didn't rest while he was asleep, and Teal'c was certain Osiris was messing with him. They would stand watch that night, so Jack was trying to get some sleep himself to be fit for the almost 12 hours watch, and perhaps fighting too. He couldn't help but wonder why she looked preoccupied when she had arrived this morning. Was it Daniel, or was it Pete?

He sighed. He had been laying for two hours and could not sleep. He got up and went to her lab. She was putting a weapon in a suitcase, and informed him about the plan for the night. They would take Osiris with a jamming device and tranquilizer darts. That was cool, he liked the idea of chasing Goa'uld with darts to save the host. But Sam had this sad look, sad voice, and it bothered him. He asked about back up, then he could not contain himself anymore.

"How is Pete?" She looked at him, surprised and her eyes told him that he had struck where it hurt.

"You know how it is. Usually you don't let it bother you because you know that they couldn't cope with the truth anyway" she said dismissively.

"Usually" he repeated. He did not know so much about any "usually". He had not had any "they" on Earth since Sara had left him.

"I think he could have" she said, looking at him with a hint of hope, like she was expecting him to say it was OK to have the guy cleared. She wanted to share this with him. It was serious.

Jack cowardly left.

"Carter?" he checked when he saw she was laying back a car on the other side of the street.

"It's Pete! He needs an ambulance!" she answered. Pete? What was he doing here? Jack wondered while checking on Osiris. Teal'c went in to call for the SGC to send ambulances and check on Daniel. Jack sat down on Daniel's front step, an eye on the Goa'uld, the other one on Sam patching her boyfriend. She was 100% at her task of taking care of him, and he heard her voice talking to him, although he did not get the worlds. He wanted to be the guy laying there... Jealousy pierced his heart with a sharp needle.

"O'Neill!" said Teal'c as he came back. "I believe we should move Osiris inside so as to not raise alarm in the neighborhood"

"Good thinking Teal'c" Jack shook himself. He should have thought about it himself. Sitting on Daniel's front steps holding an unconscious woman at the point of his dart gun was bad cover. He helped Teal'c to get her in, dropped the gun and went out again to check on Pete and Carter. The car had exploded, it would not raise suspicion that someone would be hurt there. The ambulance was there soon enough and they all left to the SGC while a road assistance truck picked up the rests of the exploded van.

Back at the SGC, the Tok'ra were waiting for them. They would take Sarah with them and return her some days later, the Goa'uld removed from her body. Pete was in surgery and Carter was in Hammond's office to get clearance for him. How could she!? The guy had been following her and got himself wounded in the process! Still she trusted him and wanted to have clearance for him. From the happy face she made on her way to the infirmary, Hammond had agreed too. Crap. This was getting far too serious. He felt like he slowly got squeezed out of her life...

As both Sarah and Pete were out of the infirmary, Daniel invited them and SG-1 to dinner at his place. He had thought it would be a nice occasion to get to know Pete, and for Sarah to get back to a normal way of life. She was kind of lost after so many years as a host, and she was very frail but the docs had given her the green light for a barbecue among friends. Jack had insisted on being the grill master while the others were chatting in the kitchen to prepare the rest of the meal. He could hear them, trying to distinguish Carter's voice from the others despite the radio playing in the living room. Usually, she would find an excuse to join him outside. She would come with plates to dress the table on the veranda, or with a beer for him. But today she forgot. Today, Pete was the only one in her mind, he followed her everywhere like a puppy, and what scared Jack most, the guy was taking up subjects about things they would do years from now. That guy had plans for Carter for the rest of her life. God. He was too late. Now he was toast, she had a guy who actually COULD tell her his feelings and offer her a normal life. That guy had known her for what? A couple of weeks? And there he was, planning to take it all, while he, Jack, had been there for seven years and was not allowed to tell her the first word of how he felt about her. That was so unfair! But she looked happy. He could settle with that if he had to. She deserved to have a life, love someone, kids... He knew she'd wanted that, and he could not ask her to wait for him. He had already had these things and she had a right to it too. A lump in his throat, he turned the meat, studying the juice bobbling from the heat. The radio was singing in the living room. He could settle with Carter being with an other guy, as long as she was happy. Maybe.

They all came out and dressed the table. Daniel handed him a beer and they all sat down while he piled the meat up on a plate. Then, he looked for a place to sit, and Carter moved over on the bench to give him room. Crap... He smiled and sat down, pressed between Teal'c and her. He was actually pressing himself toward Teal'c to avoid contact with her, but there was too little space and it was unavoidable that their bodies would touch. Touching with Teal'c had no consequences, he was barely aware of it. But his left side was burning. They were pressed from shoulders to knees and it was painfully enjoyable. He forced himself to chat and joke as usual, although it was not as much as usual, but Pete was talking so much anyway, he did not think the others would notice. He managed to swallow some food down too because he knew Teal'c had an eye on him. She smiled to him every time he looked at her and he would have succeeded in forgetting the guy on her other side if Pete had given her some space. But he was always talking to her and touching her, sometimes he would place his hand on her shoulder and his fingers would come between Sam and Jack. She looked a little uncomfortable with his demonstrations of affection in front of her team though, and Jack wanted to snap at him and tell him to give her some air. But it was not his place and she could defend herself if she felt the need for it so...

He went in to get more beer... and cool down. The radio was still on, and words caught him on the way. He froze. A deep voice was singing his feelings exactly.

Sam came in to get some more drinks and found Jack standing by the counter, pale as death. He looked like he was listening to something and she noticed the song that went on as the refrain played a second time:

I can't eat, can't sleep, still I hunger for you when you look at me. That face, those eyes, all the sinful pleasures deep inside

Tell me how, you know now, the ways and means of getting in underneath my skin, Oh you were always my original sin

And tell me why, I shudder inside, every time we begin this dangerous game. Oh you... Daniel came in, talking loudly to someone outside and Jack seemed to realize he was not alone. He caught Sam's eyes and she blushed, so did he. To mask his embarrassment, he muttered:

"Who's that guy anyway?"

"What?" Daniel cried. "You don't know Elton John?"

"'course I know Elton John" Jack mumbled, making his way to the corridor. Oblivious, Daniel went to the kitchen to get some plates for the cake. Sam silently went down the corridor and found Jack out on the front steps, leaning on the wall, trying to catch his breath.

"I'm sorry" she whispered. He jumped and saw her, pain and confusion on his face quickly disappearing as he composed himself. After a moment, he whispered back:

"How does he know?"

"Because it's not only us, I suppose"

"Us?" he jumped. Her fingers brushed his chest and her palm rested on his heart, she could feel how hard it was beating for her.

"Yes Jack. Us. That song is also true for me"

"God Sam! I'm sorry!" he sighed while pressing her in his arms. He loved that his feelings were shared. He hated that she had to suffer like him. He loved that Pete was a by-default choice. He hated that she had to satisfy herself with second choices. He loved that she wanted what he wanted. He hated that he was not allowed to give it to her.

"What can we do?" he said, releasing her before he'd be unable to let go.

"Nothing Sir. We have to go on with our lives and make the best of it"

Closing his eyes to let the dizziness pass, he had to ask:

"You happy with him?"

"Yes Sir, I think I can be"

"Then... that's OK for me.. I guess" he smiled.

"Come back in now. There's cake" she smiled back.

"Good" He followed her inside.

Once more, they chose to let it be in the room. They could do that. They had managed so far... He just had to go on.

Hope you liked it! Reviews appreciated!