Without You
Disclaimer: All recognizable Rizzoli & Isles characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners including, but not limited to Tess Gerritsen. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fan fiction story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No financial gain is associated with the publishing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: This fic is for my muse, someone who enjoys a good author's note. I found her here and it seems only fitting that my last piece be for her. Thank you all for your encouraging reviews as I gave this outlet a try. Perhaps our paths will cross elsewhere. -DKC
It had been an incredibly long week, yet another one without the benefit of my best friend to lean on. To say that my relationship with Maura had been strained since the night in the warehouse when I shot her father would be the understatement of the century. Maura's grace prevented her from lashing out at me in the way I would have had the roles been reversed. Honestly, it might have been easier if she had lashed out at me. Aside from the tense moments directly following the shooting, she and I never really faced the reality of what had happened—the shooting as well as what had happened between us before the night in the warehouse. After the shooting, we both returned to work, both were courteous to one another, and we carried on as if everything was fine. But it wasn't. Nothing was fine between us. Our usual banter ended, we didn't meet for breakfast or sneak away for lunch, and I didn't see Maura after work. With the exception of stopping by the guesthouse to drop off some things to my mother, I hadn't even been to Maura's. An incredibly long week, following two just like it.
I was nursing my third beer since I arrived home from work two hours ago. I was buzzed and no longer feeling the pain that had inhabited me for three weeks. My mind took me back to the day Tommy was arrested:
I was hurt. I had never been as angry and I had never directed that kind of anger at Maura. I wish Maura had told me about Tommy, wish she'd known how to get around what her professional position required to say what our personal friendship demanded. She hurt me deeply and I could sense that it was tearing her apart as well.
"Unlike electrons, human beings can't be in two places at once…"
Maura had always hidden behind science. It had always been her refuge from the bleak world around her. It was no surprise that in the tense, anger-filled moment in her lab she would hide behind science to protect herself from the damage she'd inflicted on our friendship. It was no surprise that her way of fixing what she'd done to me was to apply all of her knowledge to the cause of establishing Tommy's innocence. What did come as a surprise was how much I needed exactly that from her and how I responded to her spouting of knowledge.
"I kind of love that you know that."
There was hope for Maura and I to be okay. Our friendship might survive this. And for the first time since I had stormed into her lab after finding out Tommy had been arrested in her presence, I actually wished I'd been alone with Maura.
"You do? So you don't hate me?"
"No, I still hate you."
I recognized this as our usual, friendly, somewhat flirtatious banter.
"Okay. I'll work on hating you too."
Thinking back on how scared I was for Tommy, I realize that I was just as scared for Maura and I. In those frantic moments, I couldn't imagine my life without Maura. In the weeks since the shooting at the warehouse, I'd come to know my life without her and it was a pain I had never felt before. I missed her horribly. I found myself reliving the moment after I returned to the station that day with Tommy. The day I walked into the bank and defused yet another situation:
Walking slowly into the station, the mental and emotional toll of the intense standoff at the bank catching up to me, I went directly to the only place I wanted to be. I walked into Maura's lab and found her standing, her back to me, in her office. My heart sank when I crossed the threshold to her office and she turned toward me. Her tear-streaked face was heart breaking.
"Maura?" I whispered, closing the distance between us so I could embrace her.
"You can't keep inserting yourself in situations of high risk, Jane. All I could do was listen on the radio as they relayed to the snipers when to take their shot. It all ended before I had any idea what happened," Maura sobbed.
"I'm okay," I insisted, pulling Maura closer to me.
"Are we?" she questioned, her tone voicing her fear of the answer.
"Oh, honey, yes. I'm so sorry. I should have known how torn you would have been, how hard it would have been for you to know, but not be able to tell me. You were doing your job," I said softly, my arms still around her.
"You can't keep throwing yourself into the fire, Jane," she pleaded.
I used my thumbs to wipe away her fresh tears; my lips pressed softly to her forehead. When her eyes came back to mine there was something in them that I'd never seen before. Leaning in, my lips brushed hers and a sigh escaped my lips.
"Jane?"
"I need to go find Ma and get Tommy released. Come over tonight?" I asked, the anticipation already building.
"Of course," she said as her lips pressed to my own forehead and then she pulled away.
I walked away with a new determination in my step.
As I continued drinking my beer, I could feel tears escaping my eyes and making their way down my cheeks. It wasn't just that kiss in Maura's office or her concern for me, evident by how angry she was with me walking into that bank; it was what happened that night and the hope that we both began entertaining about our future:
"Look, I like Tommy…a lot. But I love you, and I hate it when you hate me, so I don't want to do anything to compromise our friendship."
Maura telling me that she loved me felt like the most natural thing in the world and the look on my face must have revealed that I wasn't all that surprised. Maybe I knew that Maura would never act on any feelings for Tommy, should they ever arise. But it wasn't until this moment that I realized she wouldn't act on any feelings for him, not only out of respect for my friendship with me, but also out of respect for her feelings for me.
"Good because I hate it when I have to hate you," I said.
Hiding the look on my face as I finished my sandwich was difficult. Surely the look on my face was reminiscent of what had been there earlier in her office before we kissed.
"What?" I husked, knowing I was becoming flushed.
Making her way around the counter, Maura seemed as if she had no idea how to proceed, but if what I was seeing in her eyes matched what I was feeling, something had to give. This was a fire we'd been avoiding, dancing around for months.
"You've never been that angry with me," she said softly as she gripped my left hand with her right.
"I'm sorry, Maur. I was scared, I didn't want Tommy to…"
"I know," she cut me off, "I should have told you."
"Let's not do this," I whispered as I swept strands of Maura's hair away from her face.
Feeling my intense gaze, Maura summoned the same courage I had used to press my lips to hers earlier in her office, stood up on her tiptoes and instead of mimicking the way I had brushed my lips against hers, she firmly pressed her lips into mine.
"Oh," I gasped as Maura pulled away.
My eyes on hers, heat was rushing from my lips downward.
"Why didn't you let him kiss you?" I hissed, our free hands entwining.
"You're an intelligent woman, surely you know," a slight smirk revealing itself.
Without uttering a single word, my mouth crashed into hers. Maura's hands left mine and quickly tangled in my long, curly hair. Pulling me closer, I was stunned by how receptive I was.
"I'm sorry, Jane, I'm so sorry. I should have told you," she cried as my lips left hers.
"Maura, I'm sorry, too," I said as I placed my index finger against her lips.
"Are you shushing me?" she muttered, smiling against my finger on her lips.
"Yes, I believe I am," I said as I dropped my finger from her lips and placed my hand on the side of her face.
Standing before me, as I looked into her sparkling eyes, I sensed Maura's relief. Perhaps for the first time since Tommy tried to kiss her, she didn't seem worried. She no longer had to worry about me finding out about Tommy trying to kiss her; she wasn't worried about me being angry with her indefinitely; and, she didn't have to worry about me being in danger or being too close to the fire. Relief washed over her and she let out a sigh.
"The guilt has been eating me alive," I whispered.
"I understand why you were angry, you had every reason to be," Maura answered quickly.
"I shouldn't have been so angry with you, sure," I hesitated, "but that's not what I meant."
"Oh?" Maura knew my sense of guilt to be overactive and maybe she had assumed I felt guilty for saying the things I did to her in front of Detective Frost.
"Guilty for feeling the way I do about you," I stated.
"I certainly knew that something had changed between us and I knew that you wouldn't kiss me if you didn't feel something for me," Maura responded.
"But?" I couldn't help but sense a letdown coming.
"Not a but, Jane. I was grappling with the realization that you felt about me as I did you," Maura wasn't offering any sort of letdown.
The magnitude of what she was saying didn't have time to set in before I found her lips back on mine. She was kissing me fiercely, running the tip of her tongue the length of my lower lip. A sound I couldn't determine to be a sigh or soft moan escaped my mouth and Maura pounced on the opportunity to slip her tongue past my lips. The sound that came from me then was undoubtedly a moan. My right hand remained on the side of her face and her left hand gripped my right hip. We both found the need to surface for air at the same moment.
"Perhaps this admission is obvious, but I clearly have feelings for you," Maura stated matter-of-factly.
"Even while making out you spout perfect, complete English sentences," I chuckled.
Maura's lips pressed back into mine, my hands on either side of her face. Both of Maura's hands were on my hips. Kissing Maura was everything I imagined it to be and then some.
"Is this too fast?" Maura quietly questioned.
"It shouldn't be, I mean, if you've had feelings for me nearly as long as I have for you, but…" I couldn't believe I was finding this to be too fast. I loved the woman before me, but I was scared.
"A long, long time," she hummed as she nuzzled her nose against my neck just under my earlobe.
"Hmm?" I asked.
"That's how long I've had feelings for you, Jane. We have time. You can take all the time you need," she whispered as she kissed me lightly on the cheek.
"It's not that I need time, Maur, I just…this is so new and I haven't had time to wrap my mind around it," I responded, pulling Maura into my arms.
"I'm not going anywhere," Maura whispered.
Little did I know Maura would actually go somewhere; I couldn't have known that I would push her away by shooting her biological father in that warehouse. I couldn't have known what would happen with Agent Dean. And little did I know, that night in my apartment would become merely a memory rather than the beginning of something between us.
As I finished off my beer and began wiping the tears from my face, Joe Friday became startled by a sudden knock at the door. It was firm, but not insistent; that meant it wasn't my mother. It was past eleven o'clock, which could only mean one thing.
"Maura," I said as I opened the door to find my best friend standing in the hallway, soaked head to toe. "Why were you outside in the rain? It's pouring."
I pulled Maura into my apartment, closing the door behind us. She was wet and shivering. I took her coat off her shoulders, got her a towel and offered her a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt. As Maura walked down the hall to change, I went into the kitchen and made her a cup of tea. She returned, semi-dry and changed into the sweats. Her wet hair and the trails of mascara on her face were the remainders of her time in the rain. The more I looked at her the more I wondered if the mascara had anything to do with the rain at all.
"Why were you out in this rain?" I asked as Maura sat on my couch and she took the cup of tea I offered her.
"I walked here," she responded as I sat on the couch next to her.
"From your house?" my protectiveness of Maura was often hard to suppress.
"From work," she stated.
"It's nearly midnight," I said.
"I was finishing some paperwork," she hadn't looked into my eyes since she changed into her dry clothes.
"You shouldn't be out walking this late by yourself," I said, no longer concerned about my protectiveness.
There was silence between us. I had no idea why Maura had appeared at my door and I was simply hoping she wouldn't make me pry. I stood to retrieve another beer, opened it and was taking a long drink when Maura abruptly stood and made her way toward me. As she walked toward me, I saw her assessing the number of beer bottles on the counter and coffee table. She reached up and took the beer out of my hand just as I'd brought it down from my lips.
"Jane," Maura said. It wasn't what she said so much as how she said it. There was a raw quality to Maura's voice, a pain behind her eyes as she met mine directly for the first time since she'd come into my apartment.
"I can't tell you how sorry I am," I said, a bit of a slur appearing in my voice.
"I don't want an apology, Jane," her tone was edgy.
"What do you want?" I said knowing we couldn't go on like this.
"You, Jane. It's always been you," Maura said as she dropped her eyes to her fidgeting hands.
"You haven't talked to me in three weeks, Maur. We discuss work, we pass each other in the halls and say hellos, but we aren't who we were. You disappeared," I said, the emotion manifesting itself in my throat.
"I was wrong. You were doing your job. Just like I was doing mine when Tommy was arrested, you were doing yours. I know that now. You were just doing your job," Maura's eyes were back on mine and I could see tears welling up in them.
"I shot someone, Maura! Someone you care about. That's not doing my job. Not as a cop, not as a friend. God, what I did is unforgivable," I stated firmly.
"Is that what this is about? Forgiveness?" Maura asked, the tears now rolling down her cheeks.
"I don't know what this is about. You showed up at my house, remember?" I was firmer than I had meant to be.
"Do you need me to forgive you, Jane? That's what I am asking. I know I showed up at your house and I told you why," she responded, there was no edge left in her voice.
"I don't want to lose you and if that means I need you to forgive me then I guess yes, I need your forgiveness. Not just for the shooting, either," I slurred.
"Jane…" I cut her off as I realized what else she had said.
"You didn't tell me why you were here," I insisted.
It wasn't lost on me that we were again standing in my kitchen, just as we had that night when she told me she loved me and we kissed each other passionately. There was little space between us, just like that night, but that ship had sailed. That night seemed like a lifetime ago.
"I did. You, Jane. I want you," Maura said, her eyes dropping to the ground.
"God, Maura, why?" I practically cried as I ran my hands through my hair.
"Why?" Maura seemed confused, her eyes searching out mine.
"I didn't only shoot him, Maura, the reason we were put in that situation in the fucking first place is because I trusted someone, someone I slept with," I uttered shamefully.
"Is this why you need my forgiveness, Jane?" Maura asked, placing her left hand on the counter beside me as she stepped toward me.
"Why don't you hate me?" I said, my eyes barely containing my forming tears.
"I can't hate you, I simply can't," she answered as she grasped my bicep with her right hand, effectively boxing me in.
"I was scared," I admitted, the tears slowly escaping.
"During the shooting?" Maura asked, not following my drunken thoughts.
"No…well, yes. That's not what I meant. I was scared of you, of us," I once again slurred.
"Oh," Maura paused, her hand still gripping my bicep. "So you went to Agent Dean?"
"I didn't seek him out. He showed up and his timing was horrible. I was trying to understand my feelings for you, your feelings for me. I was scared of where we were going and I fucked up," I said, dropping my eyes to the floor.
Maura's hand that had been on the counter reached for my chin and gently pushed it upward so that our eyes could meet. In her eyes I saw absolution. And with that absolution I realized came unconditional love.
"When I began falling for you, Jane, I knew that it might take some time. I knew that if I told you it might scare you away. I was prepared for any eventuality, even you running and forgetting we ever discussed our feelings," Maura stated emphatically, never once breaking eye contact.
"I wanted him to be you," I confessed.
I may have been uninhibited due to the alcohol, but the truth was the truth.
"Jane…" Maura was increasingly closer to me, one hand on my bicep, the other sliding from my chin to my cheek.
"I can't stand the thought of being without you again, Maur," I whispered, my voice cracking with emotion.
Maura pulled me into her arms, her tears now as evident as mine. She kissed my forehead gently, just as she had in her office the day all of this began. I let out a sigh at the thought that we might get back to that hopeful place again.
"Are you simply afraid of being with me physically?" Maura asked, her straight-forwardness bringing me back to the moment.
"Umm…no. I guess I'm afraid of what comes after, honestly," I stammered.
"We'll face it together," Maura said as she looked into my eyes and placed her hands on each of my cheeks.
Not knowing how to respond, I planted my lips on Maura's and placed my hands on her hips. She responded with a soft moan into my mouth and pressed her body to mine. I never thought I would kiss Maura again and yet here we were in my kitchen pressed into one another.
Suddenly I slipped my hands around Maura's hips to her ass. As I grabbed her ass she thrust into me, moaning into my mouth. I broke our kiss, tilting my head back a bit to look at her. I knew I was drunk and I knew Maura was grieving. I couldn't take advantage of either, yet I wanted her desperately. As though she were reading my mind, Maura reached for my beer on the counter and drank it in nearly one gulp.
"That may be the sexiest thing I've ever seen," I chuckled, pulling Maura back into me.
"Just to be clear, I don't need any liquid courage—isn't that what you call it?" Maura said.
"I would have let you take advantage of me," I replied, intertwining my fingers at the small of Maura's back.
"Is that what this is?" she said in complete seriousness.
"God, no. I was joking, Maur," I often forget that for all her amazing qualities, reading people's tone and sarcasm is lost on Maura.
"When you said you wished he was me, Jane, what did you mean?" she asked me, her eyes dark and still serious and her hands linked behind my neck.
"I meant it should have been you. I shouldn't have put up walls with you and I shouldn't have run away. I shouldn't have used him to understand what I wanted from you, from us," I answered with sincerity.
"What do you want?" Maura whispered, her face only a breath from mine.
Instead of words, I let my actions speak to Maura. In one fluid motion, I slid my hands down and lifted her. She responded by wrapping her legs around me and capturing my mouth with hers. As our tongues dueled, I walked us the few feet to my living room couch and I laid her down gently. Standing beside the couch, I removed my shirt while her dark, dilated eyes were on me. Slipping my bra off, I found myself nervous.
"What?" I asked bashfully as I used one arm to shield my breasts.
"You're staggering," Maura murmured as she reached for my hand, pulling me toward her on the couch.
I lowered myself slowly on top of her. Every one of my senses was awakened as our bodies became flush with one another. Placing my lips on Maura's, I began slowly kissing her as I always dreamed I might. I explored her mouth and her perfect jaw line before taking her earlobe into my mouth.
"Jesus," I mumbled as the sensation of sucking on Maura's earlobe was taking over my entire body.
Maura's voice had always stirred emotions in me, if I was completely honest with myself. I wondered if my voice, though deeper than hers, had the same effect on Maura. Having me humming against her neck and ear must have been stirring her emotions. Her natural response was to thrust her hips into me, something that caused me to moan loudly. Quickly her lips were on mine. My hands began grazing her toned midsection as I edged her shirt slowly up her torso. She used her elbows to lift herself off of the couch enough to get her shirt over my head. Her lips crashed back into mine and our bra-clad breasts pressed into each other.
"God," I grunted. My nipples had hardened and were straining against her noticeably larger breasts.
I slowly stood up, reached to Maura's left hip and began pulling down the slightly oversized sweats. Her eyes never left mine as she lifted her hips so I could pull the pants down her thighs and off of her entirely. I was pleasantly surprised by her lack of panties.
"Jane?" she posed, before I could tear my eyes from her perfect legs and settle back on top of her.
"Hmm?" I hummed.
"Please take off my bra," she whispered, my eyes surely telling her everything she needed to know about my level of arousal.
I slipped the straps of her elaborate, satin bra over each of her shoulders and then reached behind her to undo the clasp. Her bra dropped to the floor. Still standing before her, my eyes devouring her, there was no hint of modesty or discomfort on Maura's face. She was as invulnerable before me as I had ever seen her. I found my own confidence in the situation surprising.
"May I?" I whispered as I started to lower myself back onto her, my fingers dancing around her hardened nipples.
"Please," she said in nothing more than a whisper.
Without touching her nipples with my eager fingers, I bent my head to her chest and gently grabbed a nipple with my teeth. My mischievous eyes on hers, she laced her fingers in my now messy hair. A guttural moan escaped Maura as I twisted her nipple with my teeth.
"God, Jane," she said after she let out a burst of air. "You are overdressed."
In one quick movement, I pulled my own pants and boy shorts down my legs, using my feet to kick them away. Maura chuckled at my enthusiasm. I lowered my naked body back down on hers, skin to skin.
"Ohhhh…" she hissed at the feeling of our naked bodies pressed together.
Holding my upper body weight on the palms of my hands, I dipped my lips to hers and captured her mouth. The sensation alone of her hips pressing into me was pushing me rapidly toward the cliff. As her tongue explored my mouth, her hands snuck through my arms to cradle my breasts. I groaned into her mouth. Putting all of my weight on one hand, I used my other hand to slip Maura's legs apart. I slid my knee between her parted legs and immediately felt her wetness on my thigh.
"You aren't going to hurt me," Maura whispered against my lips, urging me to stop trying to hold myself above her.
The double meaning of what Maura was saying caught my response in my throat. It was taking every bit of my stubbornness to keep tears from falling. Finally sensing why I was reacting this way, her hands that had been cupping my breasts reached up and held my face.
"We'll get past this, Jane," she insisted.
"How can you forgive me?" I asked, tears escaping my eyes and falling onto Maura's chin.
"How could I not?" she replied as she tipped my head down so she could kiss my forehead.
"If it were me, I'm not sure I could forgive so easily," I answered, resting my chin on Maura's chest.
"If it were you and I needed forgiven, you would forgive me without any hesitation. I know you," Maura whispered, kissing the top of my head as I turned my head to lay my head on her chest.
"All I know is I've never missed another person as much as I missed you, Maur. And I've never been more afraid of being without a person in my entire life," I mumbled into her chest, my arousal decreasing as I lay there with her.
"I knew you were missing me. It just took some time for me to work through everything I was feeling," she said.
"It was that obvious?" I asked.
"I overheard Frost telling Korsak if he had to hear 'Back to December' one more time he was requesting a transfer," she answered.
"Ha! Oh dear god, I am transparent," I said through chuckles.
"I'm glad Barry won't need a transfer," Maura hummed as she kissed the top of my head once again.
"Umm…Maur…do you need…?" I began, not entirely sure how to ask Maura if her arousal had dissipated and if not, if she needed me to do something about it. "I mean, if you need me to, uh…"
"Jane…" Maura cut me off, effectively saving me from floundering in the question I was attempting to ask tactfully.
"Let's go to bed," I suggested.
"Please, I'm exhausted," Maura said as I pushed myself up and offered my hand to pull her from the couch.
I turned off the lights and followed Maura to my bedroom where I crawled in behind her. Holding Maura in my arms, our naked bodies pressed together, was both amazing and surreal. Our bodies were completely relaxed without having reached our release and our souls were calm for the first time in weeks. I knew as I held her that I'd never be without her again.
-finis-