A/N: My first Who!Fic inspired by too much Who Fanfiction and my obsession with pirates and International Talk Like a Pirate Day. And possibly too much grog...
Joking! There's no such thing as too much grog!
Doctor Who - Pirates de Résistance
"Ye best be rethinkin' where ye place those hairy limbs, oh Cap'n, mine," the low growl that came from his favourite companion froze the Doctor in his tracks. Deciding 0.54 seconds later that Rose was surely teasing like she so often does, he continued his quest for a banana and cinnamon flavoured companion hug.
The sharp dagger pointed at his right heart stopped him more thoroughly. "Were ye not heeding my words?" She hissed, her dark eyes narrowing.
The Doctor's shoulders drooped dramatically and he let out a desperate sigh, "But, Rose-" Not whining at all.
"Doctor, stop it!" Her voice returned to her normal whispered pitch and accent, if somewhat angrier than usual. Her eyes darted around the deck of the darkened ship, suddenly grateful that there was next to no moonlight that night. Using the hand currently not occupied with holding the sulking Doctor at bay, she nervously pushed her weathered leather tricorn hat further down over her long hair.
"I am tryin' to be a cabin boy here, so y'can't keep huggin' me. I don't think pirate captains had tha' type of relationship with their cabin boys!" She paused. "Well, no' in the books I've read anyway-" She brandished the weapon under his nose. "So no huggin', Cap'n Needy."
"Fine!" He threw his hands up in resignation. "It's just that it's been days, Rose Tyler. Days! I don't even see you unless I call a crew inspection, and there's only so many of them I can call without seeming like a landlubber that's spent one too many hours roasting under the sun-"
A small grin was forming over Rose's mouth as she slipped her dagger back in her worn jacket and placed her hands on her hips in mock disappointment. Cocking a hip to the side for a moment, she remembered she was meant to be a boy and straightened and crossed her arms over her chest instead. "Oh, Doctor," she sighed with a smile, slowly shaking her head from side to side, "You convince the crew to mutiny against one of the cruelest pirate captains t'sail th' seven seas, set 'im out in a row boat wi' no oars, get yourself voted th' new captain, then complain tha' y'cabin boy doesn't hug you anymore."
"I'm sorry, Rose," the Doctor moaned, really feeling more sorry for himself. Stowing away on the pirate ship in order to hunt down the Corolaxian disguising himself as 'Captain Cutthroat' in the seventeenth century Caribbean Islands seemed like such a good idea at the time. Well, it was. Brilliant, really. Especially after finding and completely dismantling the Water Conserverter the 'Captain' had hidden in his quarters that would have adjusted Earth's oceans to suit the planet Corolax, but would have subsequently killed the planet's entire ecosystem. What was not such a brilliant idea was leaving the TARDIS at Port Royal while they hitched a ride in a ship bound for pillaging down the South American coast. And Rose dressed as a boy. Which meant no hugs, the Doctor's most pressing concern at the present time.
Glancing around again, Rose quickly leaned into the Doctor's borrowed pirate coat and squeezed his hand reassuringly. The teasing glint in her eyes proved she knew exactly why he was sorry. Pulling back again, she whispered, "Can you bring the TARDIS here?"
He shook his head miserably, the ridiculously huge white feather in his hat swaying with the motion. Rose couldn't help but giggle at the picture he made. She slipped back into her pirate accent and growled, "Well, are ye the cap'n of this fine ship? Yay or nay?"
Looking slightly startled, the Doctor's face twitched with a small smile as he growled back, "Oh, aye."
Forcing down the sudden blush that spread across her face at the sound of his reply, she raised an eyebrow and said, "Mayhap ye should be thinkin' on turnin' 'er 'round?"
His mouth dropped open, then grew into a huge grin. "Oh, Rose Tyler, you are brilliant!"
Brilliant Rose Tyler just rolled her eyes. "Your massive Time Lord brain couldn't figure tha' out, huh?"
Leaning toward her, he cheerfully whispered, "That's why I keep you around."
Consciously forcing herself to remember the friendzone, she broke into a big smile. His breathing faltered for 1.34 seconds.
"Land-ho!" The sudden cry from above startled them out of the suddenly intense moment.
As did a loud, "Oi! 'Oo's tha' there?"
A bearded pirate emerged out of the shadows. Automatically spinning to put Rose behind him, she forgot to avert her gaze from the other man from over the Doctor's shoulder. The man's jaw dropped, displaying a row of blackened teeth. "I knew it!" He crowed, "Th' lad's a lass!"
"Wha' be this nonsense?" The first mate appeared and charged toward the trio. Rose and the Doctor's heads whipped around as if attending the strangest tennis match ever. The first mate gasped, "Ye brought a woman on board, Sir?"
"Nope! No! Not a woman," the Doctor protested vehemently. "She's male. As manly as my-"
"There be a WOMAN on board!" The first mate bellowed to all and sundry.
"Ah, now, could you be just a bit quie-"
"'Oo be th' worm-ridden rapscallion, 'oo brought a wench-" the Master Gunner had joined the growing crowd.
"Doctor..." Rose began to hide herself more behind the Time Lord, a touch worried.
The first bearded man hissed at the cowering couple, "'tis awful bad luck t'ave a woman on board."
"Well, technically, the lighter stature of the female of your species-"
"Throw 'em o'erboard!"
"O'ERBOARD!" A dozen voices joined the first three.
"Doctor!" Rose tried to keep the panic out of her rising voice, but failed miserably.
"We're fine, Rose, just a small misunderstanding." The high pitch of his voice didn't inspire confidence.
"Wha' should we do, then?" She squeaked as cutlasses were brandished in their general direction. They locked eyes and nodded once. Running it is. Turning tail, they raced away from the roaring crew towards the back of the boat (aft, Rose's brain helpfully supplied) and the one remaining lifeboat. With oars, thankfully.
The Doctor, sonic screwdriver in hand, pointed it toward the ropes and hooks holding the boat and it dropped straight into the water below. Another quick glance at each other, then at the pursuing pirates, and with no hesitation whatsoever they grabbed hands and launched themselves off the back of the ship. Rose couldn't stop the whoop of excitement that tore from her lungs as the Doctor gleefully yelled, "Geronimo!"
That stopped when they hit the freezing waters. They floated for a few seconds before recovering enough to break the surface. Both panting and laughing they started to paddle to the row boat.
"Geronimo?" Rose giggled. The Doctor's face twisted as they threw their weight over either side of the small boat, which rocked precariously.
'Ugh, don't know why I said that," he said, sour-faced, "Horrible word. Don't think I'll say that again."
They each grabbed an oar and heaved, turning to grin at each other after hearing the unflattering groans they each uttered. Rowing in the dark until the sounds of the roaring crew faded away, Rose moaned in exhaustion. "Please. Break. Stop," she gasped.
"Ah, you humans," the Doctor tutted, "No staying power- Ooo!"
"Ooo, what?" She panted.
Not answering, the Time Lord froze as a colourful parrot came to a noisy landing on Rose's side of the boat. It squawked rudely at the human and she blinked in response. In the meantime, the Doctor began creeping over her lap.
"Wha- Doc-?"
Her mouth was quickly covered by a cool hand and she blinked again. The ways of aliens were destined to be a mystery to her, obviously. The Doctor lunged, tipping the boat violently to one side. Mouth free, Rose shrieked, but was drowned out by the now captured parrot.
"I got it!" He shouted with glee, turning to his companion with a face-splitting smile, looking for all the world like a puppy expecting a pat.
This blinking thing is becoming a bit old, Rose thought as she struggled to follow what was going on in that impressive brain of his.
"Yes, Doctor, it's a parrot."
"Ah, Rose Tyler, not just any parrot!" He chortled, "A short range mono-dimensional transport!" He promptly flipped the protesting bird over and poked a finger into it's feathery belly.
"Oi! Don't hurt it!" She yelled, throwing a hand toward him.
"Not a bird!" He crowed as the parrot abruptly fell silent and it's eyes lit up an unnatural shade of green. The former parrot vibrated slightly and it's beak fell open.
"Please enter coordinates," it screeched.
Rose's jaw dropped. "Where did tha' come from?"
"Must have belonged to the former captain," the Doctor shrugged. "Now, coordinates..." A small panel opened the belly to reveal a tiny key pad.
"Coordinates accepted. Standby," it chirped.
"Ha!" Rose laughed, "It's like a real talkin' parrot. Can it say other things?"
"Not sure," the Doctor replied as he grabbed her hand quickly. "But this should get us back to the TARDIS."
The bird, still clutched in the Doctor's other hand began to glow and Rose began to feel her stomach twist as the transport kicked in. The parrot turned it's head to her and it's beak opened up again. She leaned forward a little, eager to see whether it would say something parrot-like again.
"Prepare for yer doom, ye scurvy infested landlubber!"
The Doctor's eyes widened as the green glow enveloped them, "Well, that didn't sound too good."
Nope, Rose thought again, blinking may possibly be the best reaction to that.
FIN