The New Knight
"Alright, everybody, I have an announcement to make," proclaimed Arthur loudly. He and his faithful knights all sat around a table in the open-air tavern of Camelot.
"If it's the one about the monkey and the nuts, I've heard it and it's very vulgar," said Dagonet, playing dice with Bors.
"No, it's not that," chuckled Arthur.
"Don't tell us you're pregnant again," said Sir Lancelot, an exasperated expression on his face.
"Don't be ridiculous, Lancelot," said Arthur. "And what do you mean 'again'? All the tests came back negative last time."
"Well, just tell us what it is, then," said Gawain, leaning back and yawning.
"Knights, brothers in arms," began Arthur, and then he launched into one of his speeches. All the knights around the table could feel themselves tiring already...his speeches were always so long, and so boring, and so the same as the last...
Gawain was the first to be heard snoring. Galahad soon drifted off and fell forward, bonking his nose on the table. All the other knights soon followed, one by one falling into a slumber.
"...blah blah courage blah blah honour blah blah..." Even in sleep, there was no escaping Arthur's droning.
Bors' dreams were haunted by images of his eleven children, dancing around him and chanting "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." all in that deep, serious voice that belonged to Arthur.
"...and through all our trials," continued Arthur, as though not noticing all his comrades snoring, "I have always been able to rely on you. My friends, my comrades. Without you, I probably would not be alive today. It fills me with a great sense of gratitude to know that about seven hot wenches are approaching at this very minute."
Six heads snapped up and began looking around quickly.
"Where?"
"Wenches?"
"I don't see any."
"What are you talking about?"
"Wenches?"
Throughout the proceedings, Arthur had been enjoying a private snicker to himself. It was only after Tristan noticed this that he was able to come to grips with what had happened.
"Hold on..." he said mysteriously, "I think Arthur is hoodwinking us!"
All six knights turned to Arthur with angry looks on their features. It was rather amusing, actually.
"Arthur!" snapped Galahad. "How could you abuse our trust like that?"
"Pay attention when I'm talking, then!" said Arthur, slapping his sword on the table.
"We are paying attention," said Gawain, yawning obnoxiously as he spoke.
"Thank you," said Arthur.
"So what's this big announcement, then, Artie?" asked Lancelot, leafing through a risqué magazine.
"Quit calling me that," said Arthur. "Anyway – what is that noise?"
Bors was now munching loudly on a Crunchie bar. Arthur was getting quite annoyed now. What was the point of rehearsing all these soliloquies if he couldn't use them without
everybody snoring, reading, or crunching away like Henry VIII?
"Anyone else want a bite?" asked Bors, offering it round the table.
"Give me that bloody thing," said Arthur, snatching the chocolate bar away from Bors. He took a nice long time to eat it himself, before speaking again.
"Okay, I'll just cut to the chase," he said. But no one was at the table. Arthur looked around, to see they had all gone to the bar, to chat up some girls. "Oi, get back over here!" he shouted at them.
The knights returned the table with a dramatic sigh of annoyance. "So you were saying, Arthur?" said Tristan, cutting up an apple.
"Why am I not getting through today?" said Arthur, seeing the fruit. "Give me that apple," he said, taking it from Tristan and chucking it. "There, you can have it when I'm finished."
"No, it'll be brown when you're finished!"
"I don't care if it goes Siamese pink, you're not eating it now!
"Now, if we're all finally ready...good." Arthur cleared his throat pompously and said, "I am pleased to announce that we have a new knight among us!"
He had expected a bit more of a reaction than a bored "Oh, fantastic. Where'd that bird go?"
"Aren't you interested at all?" said Arthur indignantly.
"Oh, of course, Arthur," said Dagonet.
"Good. Then please welcome, the illustrious Sir Chester!"
There was the sound of hoofbeats and a fat donkey came charging through the entrance to the bar. On its back sat something, but it couldn't be told what it was...Gawain reckoned it was some sort of monkey. As the donkey reached the table, it suddenly screeched to a halt, and the rider catapulted off. Galahad ducked to avoid being struck in the nose by the flying primate, who soared straight out the window and into a mud puddle.
"Nice entrance," smirked Lancelot. A few seconds later, a very muddy Sir Chester boosted himself up through the window and back into the tavern. He swaggered arrogantly over to the table, apparently thinking the world of himself despite the flies buzzing about his rear. He leapt up onto the table as he reached it.
"Knights, your new comrade," said Arthur, motioning to the filthy person. "He is a character, I tell you. I trust he'll be able to teach you a fair few tricks."
"Wow, that was not the best compliment I've ever been given," said Gawain, his eyebrows raised.
"How do you do, Sir Jester?" asked Dagonet politely.
"It's Chester," snapped the 'knight'. "And I'm fine. I just fell into a puddle of mud, but everything else is going swimmingly."
The knights giggled at the appropriateness of the adverb Chester had chosen. He could easily have gone swimming in the puddle – he had to be about four feet tall.
"What's everybody laughing at?" demanded Chester, looking around.
"Nothing," said Lancelot innocently.
"Don't give me that crap, beardie-weirdie," said Chester, pointing at Lancelot. "You don't giggle like a girl for nothing."
"Oh, burn, Lance," said Gawain, scratching his head. Several pounds of dandruff fell out.
"That's disgusting," sneered Chester. "Get some conditioner, for Christ's sake! As I'm so nice, you can have some of mine." He threw a bottle of Aussie conditioner to Gawain, who caught it.
"Cheers," he said sarcastically.
"That'll be twenty quid please," said Chester.
"Get stuffed, shorty," retorted Gawain, whipping the Aussie bottle back, which cracked Chester a sturdy blow on the conk. The knights, except Arthur, laughed clapped appreciatively.
"I'm surprised at all of you!" said Arthur, putting his hands on his hips. "You should be ashamed of yourselves! Be nice to Chester!"
"Yes sir, sorry sir," said Tristan sardonically.
"Yes, of course," said Dagonet, discreetly taping a piece of paper reading 'Heave a rock at me' to Chester's back. "I apologize, Chester."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he said. "I don't need any apologies from you low-lifes."
"Hey, watch it, Chester," warned Lancelot.
"Yeah, life's too short," said Gawain scathingly.
---
The next day, the knights were enjoying a nice, brisk morning ride through the woods. Or, at least they would be, should they have been unafflicted by Chester's company. Still, they were making the most of it, by cantering at a gait that was just out of Chester's donkey's – Phil's – ability. They would slow down every now and then to allow Chester and Phil to catch up, and then put on a burst of speed for a few moments, before doing the same thing again.
"Hey, you couldn't go a bit slower, could you, Chester?" taunted Galahad. He and the others laughed.
"Shut it, rabbit face," spat Chester, in reference to Galahad's grin. "Phil can't keep up with your stupid horse."
Galahad gasped. "How could you call poor Hoofy stupid?" he said indignantly, stroking his steed's muscular neck.
"Because he is," said Chester rudely. "Phil could kick his ass any day."
"I'll kick your ass if you don't shut up," said Galahad through gritted teeth. "Both of them."
Tristan whistled, and a few moments later a handsome hawk came flying through the trees and landed ceremoniously on his master's shoulder. There was a dead mouse clutched in its sharp beak. Tristan stroked its plumage with his index finger. "Hello Mr Fuzzy," he cooed. "Did you catch that all by yourself?"
"He must have really lost it," said Chester loudly, seeing Tristan talking to his bird. "I knew he was crazy the first time I looked at him, but didn't realize just how crazy..."
Tristan barely spared a flicker of his dark eyes over to Chester. He whispered something to the raptor, which took off and soared into the trees. A few seconds later, when the time was right, Tristan sprang into action.
"What's that up there?" he said, pointing into the trees directly above Chester. Chester looked up, and no sooner had he done so than he was struck in the right eye with a blob of bird excrement. The knights roared with laughter.
Arthur, however, had a disapproving look on his hard face. "Honestly, you are behaving like children," he said, turning his horse around and trotting back to meet Chester, furiously wiping the poop from his eye.
The other knights took no notice, and merely continued to laugh.
"I have never seen such perfect timing," said Gawain, wiping tears from his eyes.
"Brilliant," agreed Bors. "I've not laughed so 'ard since Gilly kicked Lancelot in the groin."
"Yes yes, very funny, ha ha ha," said Lancelot dryly.
Meanwhile, Arthur was attempting to calm Chester down.
"Don't worry about them, they just take a little time to warm up to new people," he assured.
"Don't be a twat," said Chester. "They just hate me because they're so much uglier and stupider than me."
"I don't think they hate you," said Arthur, taking no notice of Chester's insult. "I just think they – " He stopped suddenly. "Was that a Woad?" he said, pointing down the road between the trees.
"I don't know, I couldn't see," said Chester. He then raised his voice so Bors could hear him. "Fatso was blocking the way!"
Bors turned his head and fixed his eyes upon Chester with a look that said, "Think you're tough stuff, do you, squirt?"
He then took his wallet out of his pocket and tossed it over his shoulder. It hit Chester on the head before bouncing off and landing on the dirt path behind him. He then said, "Oh, bloody 'ell, I've dropped me wallet!"
Bors turned his horse round and trotted back towards the wallet. As he passed Chester, he stuck out his arm and hooked the knight's trousers on his knuckleduster. They ripped off as he continued past, revealing Chester's polka-dot underwear. He raced back to the hysterical knights, shouting "Hallo, girls" and twirling the breeches round and round in the air.
It was looking out to being a pretty entertaining day, after all.
---
That afternoon, the eight knights were seen galloping back towards Camelot upon their – mostly – magnificent steeds. Chester was about twenty yards behind, his donkey moving at top speed.
"Come on, Chester!" said Lancelot. "Get your ass in gear – if you'll pardon the expression!"
He and the other knights laughed at his joke. They were starting to enjoy Chester's presence – or rather, how they could exploit Chester's presence.
They arrived at the castle courtyard and slowed to a walk, headed for the stables. Chester was met with glares from the folk around them. He apparently was despised by more than just the knights.
After having dismounted and securing their horses in their stalls, the knights returned to the courtyard.
"I've got to go attend to some business," said Arthur, checking his sundial watch. "Everybody else can do what they like, for now." With that, he strode off.
"Well, I'm sitting down," said Bors. "I'm feeling a bit exhausted."
He walked over to one of the new round picnic tables they'd had installed recently and sat down on one of the benches. Gawain, Tristan, Galahad, Lancelot, Chester, and Dagonet – in that order – followed suit.
As Chester was about to sit down on the bench, Dagonet swiftly took the spot, just about squashing Chester beneath him.
"Oi!" said Chester angrily. "Baldy! Watch where you're going!"
Dagonet turned his head round and raised and eyebrow at Chester. He then looked back at the other knights. He gave a small shrug, then without looking back delivered Chester a casual kick in the codpiece.
The knights watched as the little man went cartwheeling through the air in a smooth arc and sailed gracefully into the well.
"Wow, hole in one," said Gawain.
"Nice shot, Tiger," said Bors.
It was at this moment that Arthur chose to return to the courtyard. He walked over to the picnic table and sat down.
"Meeting's cancelled," he informed the uninterested knights. "Thought I'd hang around with you guys for a while." He looked around and under the table.
"Lost something, Arthur?" said Lancelot, with an air mock surprise.
"Where's Chester?" asked Arthur.
"Oh Chester, yes, I remember him," said Galahad, pretending to look pensive.
"What do you mean, 'remember'?" said Arthur suspiciously.
"Well, it's a funny story, actually," said Tristan.
"Silly arse tripped into the well," said Dagonet. "We warned him not to play near it."
"That's the last we'll see of him," said Bors unconcernedly, removing a chocolate bar from his pocket. "Coffee Crisp, anyone?"
THE END