Yet another fic that's been pulled off the dusty shelf that is my Documents folder. I wrote this as a fill to this prompt on the Multi-Ship One Sentence Meme a while ago:

"...like in one of those unwatchable romantic comedies where you grow a vagina if you watch them all the way through." After Puck watched "Chasing Liberty" (or something similar) with his mom in the theater and payed attention to the whole thing, he thought that it happened to everyone, not just him...

As always, please review. Even if it's just to say you liked it.

Warnings: Boy pussy (as if it wasn't obvious from the title, summary, and prompt). If it's a squick for any of you, just click the back button.

Of Missing Dicks And Desperate Measures
One-Shot

Chick flicks were evil. They were. They (or his ma, but he sure as fuck wasn't telling her about this) were the one to blame for his sudden lack of a dick.

And he wasn't being fucking metaphorical either.

His dick was gone.

It had been there when his ma had shoved him on the couch and forced him to watch Chasing Liberty with her and Sarah. When the movie was over, he went to take a piss and, hello. Nothing to hold.

What.

The.

Fuck?

It was like his dick and balls had shriveled up inside him somehow and turned into a fucking vagina. And Puck knew vaginas. He really knew vaginas. And he wasn't supposed to have one. Figured that maybe chick flicks were just evil and maybe it happened when a guy watched one. Guys were meant to watch movies where shit blew up. They weren't supposed to watch girl movies.

"...like in one of those unwatchable romantic comedies where you grow a vagina if you watch them all the way through."

No one thought he was serious and he'd really been waiting for someone to start freaking out after their girlfriend made them watch one, but no one lost their damn dick. He'd seen them. In the bathrooms. In the locker rooms. He didn't think about the complete creep factor that came with the fact that he perved on his boys. He wasn't gay. He just couldn't understand why he was the one that lost his fucking dick.

He drew the line after a month when the demon-thing started to bleed. He was a guy! He wasn't supposed to get periods! The cramps sucked and maybe he had a bit more respect for chicks by the time it was all over, but he wasn't going to go through that again.

Nothin' doin'.

Santana looked pissed when he showed up at her house and tossed a condom at her.

"I'm not fucking you," she said, arms crossed over chest as he pulled his shirt off.

"I know. You're gay. No straight girl prefers my fingers to my dick that many times. And the amount of times you called me Brittany was a bit of a clue." Kicked his shoes off while he pulled at his belt buckle. "Look. You're the only person I can go to right now, Lopez. I'm not asking any of the guys for this because with my luck, I'd get knocked up. You know vaginas. You like vaginas."

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" she snapped.

"Just get one of your fucking strap-ons. I know you have them. Pretend I'm a chick or whatever, but maybe if we do this, it'll fucking go away." Yup. Santana was looking at him like he was fucking psycho. Well, what-the-fuck-ever. He wasn't having another period.

"Are you off your meds or something? You're not making any-"

His pants dropped to his ankles, exposing the thing.

"Oh..."

"Yeah. Now, will you just fuck me already?"

The End

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