I yawned, stretched my arms over my head, and settled back into my lawn chair. I watched the nearby demons frolic in the flames and people getting tortured, and sighed wistfully. I was much too old to do anything fun anymore. I was ready to take a nap when a smaller demon whose name I didn't know approached me.
"Mr. Satan, sir?" the demon asked.
"What?" I snapped, "Can't you see I'm trying to relax?"
"Yes, sir, but it seems a Mr. Murdoc Niccals has summoned you."
"Oh, bloody hell. What could he possibly want?" I growled.
"Not sure," the demon replied, "but it seems urgent."
Well, Murdoc had been a good little worshipper all these years, so I figured, why not?
When arrived at Kong Studios, I saw Murdoc glaring at me impatiently.
"Well?" I asked, "What is it you want of me?"
"Glad you asked- it seems I've misplaced my keys to the Geep, and we're about to shoot a video. I was wondering if you could, em, make them teleport to me, or something," Murdoc told me.
"What?" I snapped, "You summoned me, Satan, Lord of all things Evil, to find your keys?"
"Well," Murdoc said, smiling, "the first contract I signed with you stated my band would be successful and famous. But we can't do that unless we have the keys to the Geep to shoot this video."
I growled. But he was right- by terms of the contract, I did TECHNICALLY have to help him. I sighed, and snapped my fingers. Moments later, a pair of rusty keys floated to Murdoc.
"Thanks, mate!" he cheered.
I grunted in response.
Finally, I was back in hell. To my displeasure, I saw a human had snuck away from the guards and was laying down resting. I clapped my hands, and he spontaneously combusted. The man jumped to his feet, then bolted away, screaming.
I smiled, and sat down in my chair as the echo of the man's screaming lulled me to sleep.
"Satan, sir?"
"What?" I groaned.
"You've been summoned again."
"But it's only been three hours!" I moaned, opening my eyes to look at the demon in front of me.
"That's a few years in Earth time, sir."
I moaned again, then got up.
Sometimes being me really sucked. The reason I wasn't summoned every second was because barely anyone got the ritual right, which was a relief.
The only "fun" I ever had getting summoned was when a teenager summoned me at a Halloween party or something. Let me tell you, there's nothing more satisfying then condemning a bunch of snot nosed teenaged souls' to Hell for all eternity.
"Well, who summoned me?" I asked.
"Murdoc Niccals," the demon replied.
I growled, then clapped my hands.
Once again, I ended up in Kong studios. Quite a few years had passed, it seemed.
"THERE you are!" Murdoc exclaimed, seeing me.
"What do you want now?" I demanded.
"I broke my bass guitar," Murdoc whimpered, holding up the beloved instrument, which was now in two pieces.
"How did you mange to snap it in two?" I demanded.
"Well," Murdoc said, "I think it was from the other night. See, I hired a couple whores, we got really drunk, and-"
"I don't want to hear it," I snapped, cutting him off, "give me the bloody guitar."
Once I had it in my hands, it mended on it's own.
I handed it back to him.
"There," I said, "and next time, don't call me unless it's an absolute emergency."
Then I clapped my hands, and I was in hell once again.
Once again, I was in my chair resting when another demon told me I had been summoned once more.
"Let me guess, Murdoc Niccals?" I asked.
"Yeah," the demon told me.
"I'll kill him," I growled, then clapped.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I shrieked, appearing in what was definitely not Kong Studios, "I SAID NOT TO CALL ME UNLESS IT WAS AN EMERGENCY!"
"It IS and emergency!" Murdoc protested.
"What is it, then?"
"Well," Murdoc began, "you know 2D?"
"Stuart? Yes, I am familiar with him."
"Well, um, see, I built a cyborg Noodle a while back after a certain… incident."
"Yes? Go on?"
"Well, this Cyborg malfunctioned, you see.."
"Yes?"
"And it, um, walked up to 2D…"
"Yes? What is it?"
"And it stabbed him twenty six times," Murdoc finished.
I stood there, staring at him. Then I sighed.
"So you want me to bring him back to life?" I asked.
"What? Oh, hell no! He's been dead for ages! I was just wondering if I could have the money to build another 2D."
"What?" I asked, now confused.
"2D died a while back, actually…" Murdoc began, "shortly before shooting the Clint Eastwood video."
Flashback, Shortly Before Shooting the Clint Eastwood Video
"Do I really have to go near this thing?" 2D asked, gesturing to the zombie gorilla a dozen feet away.
"Yes," Murdoc said, "now get closer!"
2D inched toward the gorilla, which did not move. 2D got a bit closer. Then, all of a sudden, the gorilla let out a roar, and grabbed 2D.
"Mudz! Help!" 2D cried.
"C'mon, you're a big boy, take care of it yourself!" Murdoc cried, taking a drink of rum.
The gorilla let out another roar, then threw 2D.
Murdoc walked over to where 2D landed.
"Oi! Faceache! Get up!" Murdoc called.
2D did not stir.
"Erm… 2D?"
"Yes, he's died six or seven times now by my count," Murdoc recalled fondly, "Well, I mean he died once. A better statement would have been, I've gone through six or seven 2D cyborgs by now."
I sighed, and glared at Murdoc.
"What? The contract says-"
"Fine!" I shouted.
Before I clapped my hands, I shouted, "A check will come in the mail tomorrow."
When I was back in hell, I saw my chair had been burnt to a crisp by flames. Whatever- I was just glad to be back. I sat down in the chair when another demon approached me.
"Sir-"
"Let me guess," I spat, "Murdoc?"
"No, actually," the demon said, "actually, it's Joseph Ratzinger."