Timing
by: Eyes-of-Pearl
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: ER belongs to its respective owners.
Author's Note & Synopsis: I've been slacking in my ER fics, but I got inspiration after the last couple episodes. To all Reela lovers who need a valentine treat but who can't wait until ER writers decide to move things along between Ray and Neela.
Major spoilers for 'A House Divided', 'Murmurs of the Heart' and 'Dying is Easy' but consider all of season 13 to be fair game. It's partial a gap filler with Ray's thoughts from 'A House Divided.' The dialogue from the show are in italics. However, the scene changes midway to what I think should of happened while incorporating the storyline from 'Murmurs' and 'Dying.' Hope that make sense.
Timing
Have you ever wanted something so much but it scared the hell out of you?
Abby Lockhart - Dying is Easy
Ray's POV
Yeah, I know the feeling. Heck, I've been doing the same song and dance for the last couple months. Oh, I've done the sensible thing, given Neela the time and space to work out her personal issues, rationalize Gallant's death. In fact, I've become quite familiarized with Neela's back, because I got a good look every time she walked away. And, in the same span of time, I got front row seats to her somewhat tumultuous relationship with the paramedic-turn-medical-student Tony Gates.
After moving out of our apartment, our relationship had been strained. That was putting it nicely. Sure, we talked and joked around, even after Neela decided to put in time in the OR. Hey kudos to her, especially if she could put up with anal surgeons breathing down her scrubs every two seconds.
I doubt I need to mention any names here.
Still, every time we get together, there's always the proverbial elephant in the room. No, we never refer to the problem directly, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Gates contributes to at least half the tension between us.
And this time, it is no different. Gates and I disagree over the treatment of a patient, a young boy named Denis. Sometimes, I think Gates want to argue just for the thrill of it.
Gates wanted surgical consult, and I believed that it was unnecessary. Labs were all within normal limits, nothing from the scans...but I should have known that Gates would end up calling for a consult anyway. This of course, placed Neela right in the middle of this difference in professional opinions. Again, the initial confrontation with Neela was messy at best.
"The least you can do is give me a professional opinion."
"I did."
"No, you didn't."
"How would you know? You're not a surgeon."
"Well, neither are you..." Of course, at this point, I really wanted to slap myself but I couldn't take back my words and Neela couldn't think of a retort.
"Sorry. Sorry ... you know the reason that you're siding with Gates is because you are screwing him!"
"I can't believe you just said that." I knew that I had taken the accusation too far, but Neela didn't deny it. Here I was expecting a quick shot down at my assumptions, but I got indignation instead.
"So, it's true."
"No! Even if it was, it's certainly none of your damn business and it certainly has nothing to do with this case."
"It does if it's clouding with your judgment."
Now, let it be known that I had never doubted Neela's intelligence, nor her integrity as a person. For someone who had put up with living me for as long as she did, she certainly racked up enough points in my book.
Over time, she had became more than just a roommate. I can honestly say that Neela is one of my closest friends, confidante, and anchorage. I never quite realize just how much I relied on her company until after she moved out and married.
This time was no different. Denis was crashing and Gates wasn't answering his pages. Even though, I had unceremoniously countered Neela on the need to keep the patient under supervision, she still pulled through. I'm pretty damn lucky because Neela wasn't the I-told-you so type. All I got was, "Ok he's stabilized. Lets get him up to OR 2. Ray, I'll call you when he's out of surgery."
As I watched a flash of black disappeared from the corner of my eye, I didn't know why I did what I did. I called her back. "Neela ... Neela I need to say something."
"No, you don't. You did what you thought was right for the patient. I respect that."
"No. You see, that's not it."
"Well. What is it?"
Typical Neela, she wasn't one to back down from anything. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say to her. But, she certainly wasn't going to let me off the hook, even though my insecurities were getting the best of me. To be honest, I was scared of her reaction and probably even more afraid that the rift between us was going to widen. "Uhh. It's probably wrong, I know. It's wrong place, wrong time ..."
"No Ray, you're right. It's not the time for this ..." Of course, she wouldn't cut me some slack and hear me out.
"Neela, it's never a good time to say the things left unsaid or is it ever a good time to hear the words better left unspoken."
"So which one is it?"
"What?"
"Are these things left unsaid? Or words better left unspoken?"
Now, she was down to making things convoluted. I heard that Gates got whipped by Neela during one of his presentations. Now that I think about, it was after the said presentation, that I saw them making out like a couple of teenagers at a slumber party. It was painful to be a witness to that. I would be kidding if I said that it didn't, knowing that she was moving on with her life...
"I miss you, Neela." ... she at least deserved to know my side too.
"Ray, don't be silly. You see me all the time in the ER."
"No, Neela. I miss you - the girl who isn't afraid of falling or taking a risk, who's too damn stubborn to let anything get her down."
Yeah, Neela, you were the girl who changed my life.
"Ray, what are you saying?"
"Neela, you need someone who is willing to love you unconditionally with no strings attached. You have to ask yourself if Gates is someone who is willing to surrender his heart without crashing your life like a train wreck waiting to happen."
C'mon Neela, you are smarter than that. Gates is just the rebound guy with too much excess baggage that you don't need.
"Ray, what happened with Sarah and Meg."
"Look, I'm not here to place judgment on anybody, and Gates' living arrangements are none of my business."
"But mine is? Isn't this just slightly hypocritical coming from an aspiring musician and doctor."
Ok, I guess I deserved that. My interests have to be acquired and Neela has been the receiving end of groupies and band members galore back when we're living together.
"Music and medicine are like two sides of the same coin: art and passion, but I can surrender everything, and that's exactly what I'm doing. My heart is in your hands, Neela."
And you know what, it has been for a long time.
-o-o-
Around here in the ER, you rarely catch a break. All of sudden, Gates came through those double doors with bells and whistles, screaming for an Attending. It turns out that Sarah made a frantic call to the hospital, when Meg overdosed. Morris, Gates and me all worked on her. Neela was standing by but Meg took probably three times the normal dose of TCA. There was no way that we could jump start her heart again...
You know what happened afterwards was probably one of the saddest things I have ever seen. Gates was pushing on the chest to stimulate heart contractions. Then, Sarah came in and start crying over her mom's dead body and begging Gates to do something to bring her back. I left then, leaving Gates, Sarah, Neela and Meg in there. It was a private moment.
-o-o-
So, this is where I end up back in the apartment, rummaging the fridge for a cold beer after a long day. I find myself staring at a picture that's taped on the fridge. I don't remember exactly when it is taken. Both Neela and I are holding up glasses of champagne and smiling into the camera. It is nostalgic of the days when things between us are less complicated.
Well Barnett, you know you never have the greatest timing in the world. You are late on the first day on the job in the ER. Figures you are late about coming to your senses.
Just then, there is a knock at the door. I quickly grab the bottle of beer and stick the picture back on the fridge. I am not expecting any company tonight, so to say that I'm surprise to see Neela on the other side of the door is a gross understatement.
Her jet black hair is falling out of the messy bun on her head. She look up with her mocha eyes when I open the door. I figure that she amaze herself that she end up at this particular doorstep. "Listen Ray. This is probably the wrong time ... the wrong place ... but ..."
"No Neela, it's perfect. You're perfect ..."
End
AN: Oh the possibilities ... this is what I think should have happened up until the latest episode 'Dying is Easy.' So a Valentine's Treat for everyone, let me know what your thoughts are on this. ;)