A/N: A walk down memory lane, and this gets written. You can say what you want about love, romance, and break-ups…but after being single now for well over a year and a half, I find that my feelings on the topic hasn't changed.

If I Could Say

If I could say what I wanted, I'd say I want you.

I'd want you to accept me, the way we used to be. The days when we first met, laughter was easy to come by, and the hard storms of life passed quickly. If I could say what I wanted, I'd want you to hold me.

I'm weak you know, not the strongest person in the world. I don't want to be.

I don't want to be the rock all the time, the mold that protects you from every little thing, while being weathered away by the difficulties that you can't handle. I'll try. Don't get me wrong.

I'll try…

But…if I could say what I wanted, I'd say, we can do better.

We could have done better.

If I could say what I wanted to say, I'd say that I want the simple times back. Throwing little balls of cereal in the air and catching them with our teeth, bitching about movies on the big screen, and staying up all night in the chilly air to watch the sun rise the next day.

Those messy days, ill-planned, unscripted.

If I could say what I wanted to say, I'd say that the times I remember the most, are the times we fell asleep in the back of your car, the times we got so drunk that we'd sleep on the side of the road in the truck bed….the times, we just talked…just talked.

If I could say what I wanted to say, I'd say, you didn't speak enough.

About what you wanted…needed from me. I wanted you to do that, clearly, so that I could carry the weight that you couldn't…so that I wasn't just running blind. Talk…that's all I wanted. Words…curses, praises, pointless ones, meaningful ones...all of them.

Your words, made only for me.

But if I could say what I wanted to say, I'd say it's all a moot point.

You have your life, I have mine. There's nothing to change that, to twine that, to mend that…it's gone…all gone. Part of me wants it back, part of me never wants to love again…and a small sliver of my soul, where our past rests, will only ever be yours…as if, I'd wait for you to come back.

I know you won't, you coward, you fool…turning your back on me? Well, good riddance, I guess.

But…if I could say what I wanted to say, it would be the same line I think every single god-damned day.

The thing I think when I lay in bed…the emotion I feel whenever I see your picture, eat your favorite food…the same curse I speak whenever the heater goes out, and the blankets aren't enough. The same breath I breathe, holding it in, when I miss you just too damn much.

If I could say what I wanted to say; I'd clench my jaw as you walk away.

But, I'd think to myself, just a little desperately, that I was the failure…that it was only me, and not you…just me.

A few words, tried and true, come to mind when I think about you, about us, about bygone days, and carnivals of rust. The days of soft sand and children in hand. I think these thoughts, dusty as they are, because though faded, they're in my heart.

So, what would I say to you if I saw you today?

I would have liked it, if you'd stayed.