Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the Metal Gear series they belong to Konami. I sure as hell don't own the RIAA, Sony Music, Virgin Records, and Elektra Entertainment. As much as I love the Three Stooges, I don't own them either. Please don't sue because all you will receive is the lint out of my pockets. *puts on her 'I'm so broke I can't pay attention' baseball cap*
Snake the Supportive Friend
By Scarbie
***
"Man, you will not believe what that clown has done now!"
Four-thirty in the afternoon Snake found himself sitting in his living room talking with his newest friend, Jack, on the telephone. Jack recently had picked up a stalker of sorts and this 'person' was causing him all kinds of trouble. Unfortunately this stalker wasn't someone who's ass you could kick or Jack probably would have done that already. This stalker was an AI construct that resembled one of Snake's oldest and closest friends. Roy Campbell, otherwise known as the Colonel.
"What happened this time, Jack?" Snake asked.
Jack sighed and proceeded with his story.
"I come home, and Rosemary's sitting on the couch. So I go over and give her a kiss and whatnot. But she was really cold towards me. I'm wondering what's the problem and before I can find out she asks me, 'Jack, is there something you want to tell me?' and I said, 'No'."
Snake closed his eyes and smirked when Jack imitated Rosemary's voice. It was always hard for him to keep a straight face and smother the laughter when listening to one of Jack's Colonel stories.
"And so she looks at me with this really pissed off expression so I say, 'I love you?' This only seemed to piss her off more. I mean I haven't even done anything! She has this really intense look on her face and I'm trying to remember did I leave the toilet seat up or something."
Snake had to cover his mouth. If Jack was this upset now, there was no telling how bad the story would end up being.
"Stop laughing, David."
"I wasn't laughing," Snake said.
"You were about to though," Jack said, accusation strong in his voice.
"Just go on with the story."
Jack codenamed Raiden sighed and continued with his story.
"I finally tell her that I don't know what's going on. Then she did that awkward scooting forward thing and she picked up this magazine that's lying face down on the coffee table. I hadn't even noticed it."
Jack's voice got a little hazy as if he were remembering something. "It had a liquor advertisement on the back cover. Crown Royal, I think. I was also thinking that I might need a little liquor after we got finish with this argument."
"Yeah," Snake said, while grinning.
"So she turns it over and I can see what it was."
"What was it?" Snake asked silently.
Jack answered Snake's unvoiced question soon enough. "It was an adult magazine. She threw it at me and I caught it. And it gets even worse," Jack said, unconsciously leaving a dramatic pause.
"Mm-hmm," Snake said.
"It's a Playgirl magazine and my name's on the damn address label and I'm thinking, 'Oh shit!'"
A seldom-heard sound reached Jack's ears from the other line: Snake's laughter. These weren't just small chuckles but full, hearty laughs that he could get the hiccups from.
"Hmmph," Jack grunted, "Just laugh it up. Laugh it up while you can, because who's to say when he's tired of bothering me he won't start on you or Otacon."
"I'm sorry, kid," Snake said between laughs, "This is much worse than the last incident."
"I know, at least that had a silver lining. I didn't have to cook and Rose was craving anchovies anyway."
"So… have you straightened the situation out with Rose?" Snake inquired.
"Yeah. At first I thought I was going to have to sleep on the couch again. That crazy ass Colonel's gotten me in the doghouse a couple times. But I was angrier about how upset Rose had gotten. Now is not the time for her to be stressed out about stuff, especially stupid shit."
"Yeah, the baby." Snake understood where Jack was coming from. "How much longer?"
"We're in the final stretch. The baby could drop at any time." Snake could hear the smile in the kid's voice.
"I think that things have cooled off. I reminded her about the whole Colonel problem and she apologized for yelling at me. Man, I wish I could kick that 'guy's' ass."
"Maybe Otacon can." Snake searched for anything that slightly resembled the proper terminology and said, "Maybe he can trace where the signal is coming from and delete him or something."
"Don't worry about that right now. You guys have more pressing concerns, mainly finding Olga's little boy. I think Rose and I can deal for a while longer."
"Okay," Snake said. He was still going to ask Otacon about looking into it, though. He returned to the tangible cause of Jack's current problem. "So did you get rid of the magazine?"
"After we made up, I told Rosemary that I would throw it away. She said that she would do it, but she still had to finish an interesting article." Jack said article with a great deal of disbelief.
Snake chuckled. "You two are crazy."
"We try," Jack said. His tone became more serious when he told Snake, "Thanks David, for letting me vent. I feel a little better."
"No problem."
With this said both men hung up.
Snake needed that laugh but he didn't like the fact that it came at the kid's expense. Jack and Rose already had enough issues in their relationship that needed time and trust to work out without someone or in this case something throwing a monkey wrench in the works. But Raiden was right; there were matters that took higher priority over eliminating an AI nuisance.
***
Two hours later Snake's phone rang again. He took his attention away from some blueprints lying on his desk and picked up the phone. He had a feeling that it was Jack calling to tell him he was finally rid of the magazine.
"Hello," Snake said.
"Dave," A male voice said. It wasn't Jack because after breaking him out of calling him Snake, the kid was surprisingly formal and always called Snake, David. This was his friend and partner in crime Hal Emmerich, also called Otacon. His friend didn't sound to chipper.
"Hal, what's the problem?" Snake asked, concerned.
"I just got an upsetting letter in the mail."
Oh no. Did someone die? "What did it say, Hal?"
"I really don't want to talk about it over the phone."
"Okay, I'll be over there in thirty minutes."
"All right," Otacon said wearily. He then hung up.
Snake hurried and grabbed his keys and a jacket and was out the door.
***
Snake quickly parallel parked his car in front of Otacon's house. He was at the door ringing the bell before he knew what he was doing.
A very strung out looking Otacon answered the door. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was in complete disarray. "C'mon in," he said. He closed the door after Snake and walked to the center of the living room.
Snake's eyebrows were practically raised to his hairline. "Hal, you look terrible! What's going on?"
"Huh?" Otacon looked at Snake dumbly. "Oh, did you say something?"
Otacon was acting like he was in shock.
"I asked what's going on," Snake said.
"Oh, I'm just getting my pants sued off of me. And perhaps my future children's children's pants too." Otacon said in a very quiet voice. He had a very distant spaced out look in his eyes.
"By who? You haven't done anything, have you?" Snake asked.
"The RIAA," the dazed engineer answered.
Snake quickly ran through all of the abbreviations and acronyms he knew, which were mostly military and came up with nothing.
"What's the RIAA?" he asked, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"The Record Industry Association of America," Otacon said while looking at the far wall.
Otacon was looking at the wall so hard that Snake looked in that direction also. He shook his head when he saw nothing interesting, but in his peripheral vision he noticed that his friend was holding a creased sheet of paper in his hand.
Ah, this must be the letter. Wait, that's more like an information packet….
Snake removed the packet from Otacon's hand. He didn't have to snatch it away because it was being held that weakly.
"I'm going to have to sell my anime collection," Otacon said, brokenly.
Snake looked very alarmed. He sat down on Otacon's beige couch and started reading the dense material. As he read, he remembered coming on the tail end of a news story talking about how old grandmas and poor college students were being sued for downloading music files. What were they called? Mp-somethings. He remembered feeling bad for the unfortunate people, but that was a vague feeling. Now he actually knew someone that was being affected and he was just pissed.
In the document the parties were given. The Plaintiffs were the various heavy hitting music corporations such as Sony Music, Virgin Records, and Elektra Entertainment. And the poor defendant outlined was his Otaku buddy, Hal.
"Plaintiffs are informed and believe that the Defendant, without the permission or consent of the Plaintiffs, has used and continued to use an online media distribution system to download Copyrighted Recordings, to distribute the Copyrighted Recordings to the public…"
Yada yada yada. There was talk of statutory damages that were in accordance to some law. Snake wondered how much each song would cost. Snake flipped through some more pages and saw a list of all the songs that Hal had available for download. This list was considered Exhibit A. There were about 1,000 files. Some pages showed screenshots of the files Hal had. These screenshots were Exhibit B. Most of the song titles were in Japanese.
Snake looked up from the document and saw that his friend was still staring at the wall with his hand held as if he were still holding the legal documents. Snake knew that calling Hal wouldn't snap the guy out of his daze so he got up and walked him towards the couch and made him sit down.
"Hal, I just don't understand how this happened. I mean I'm sure that you took precautions so you wouldn't get caught."
"Yes, I did. I altered the program so that I should have been undetectable. They must really have the best folks working for them if they broke through my system. I share my anime all the time, I used to be the same way with my music but when I saw that so much scrutiny was being placed on the mp3s I didn't share that much. I had it all set up where my edited version wouldn't allow the IP address of the RIAA have access to my files."
"I see that they are talking about fines for each song, but I don't see any values given."
Otacon broke in. "I read on the site that it's $750 to $150,000."
Snake opened his mouth to say something then closed it. He did some quick math in his head. Estimating that Otacon had 1,000 files he calculated fines ranging from $750,000 to $150,000,000. When he opened his mouth again only one word came out.
"Day-aaam!"
"I know," Otacon said. "I could settle out of court. They would just take my life savings.
"You said that you didn't share as much music. How much do you think you shared?"
Otacon thought a moment. "I think I brought it down to about a hundred files. Maybe less."
Snake was confused. "But according to this, you were sharing about 1000 files."
Otacon finally turned towards his friend. "There's no telling when they obtained that information. If they got it a couple months ago I believe those files would have been on there."
Something still wasn't sitting right with Snake. "It seems like they would tell you when they acquired this information."
Otacon shrugged his shoulders.
Snake knew that Otacon was going through some serious stress. He acted as if his brain was fried. Who knew how much coffee the guy had drunk already? Snake knew if he were in this situation he would be on his next carton of cigarettes. But Snake was really surprised that Hal wasn't on the computer hacking into something to get out of this. He must really be in shock. It was good that Snake was here to offer some objective input. He knew jack shit about computers but he was a pretty good problem solver in general.
"Why don't you look through this again and see if you remembered when you stopped sharing some of these files. These people seem so quick to sue someone's 'pants off' that the files should be fairly recent, Otacon." He handed the document back to Otacon. He took a good look at his thin friend and he looked as if a gentle breeze would blow him over.
"When was the last time you ate, Otacon?"
"This morning."
"When did you have your last cup of coffee?" Snake asked, thinking that his friend would say something along the lines of, 'right before you came'.
"This morning."
Snake raised his eyebrows again. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah. I was busy this afternoon and I didn't have time for a break. Then I came home, checked the mail, and saw this," he said while raising the packet. "That really took the wind right out of my sails." He chuckled mirthlessly.
"You keep looking over that stuff and I'll make you some coffee."
"Thanks, Snake," Otacon said, reverting to calling his friend by his codename. It almost seemed like they were getting ready for a mission: a mission to clear his name. Though technically he was guilty.
Snake got off of the couch and headed to kitchen.
"Are you hungry?"
Otacon shook his head. "No, not really." He returned his attention to the list.
Snake's stomach felt pretty empty. "Well I am. Do you mind if I try to scrounge up some food?"
Otacon smiled for the first time in hours. "No, that's fine with me. Good luck finding something."
***
Otacon could smell the wonderful aroma of coffee and the musical sounds of the percolator. Without even tasting the hot, caffeine laden drink, he began to feel rejuvenated. Such is the fate of a coffee hype.
Snake used the right verb when it came to looking for food in Otacon's kitchen. When he looked in the nearly empty refrigerator he found some bread that could have been part of a second grader's science fair project on mold. The cheese didn't look much better but at least the mold could be cut off of that.
He knelt down to look in Otacon's food cabinets and found a macaroni can. Snake's eyes brightened. Maybe he could make macaroni and cheese. Otacon had eggs and milk. Snake reached for the macaroni can and heard a rattling noise. It sounded as if there were about five macaroni pieces in the metal container.
"Damn it, Otacon," Snake cursed under his breath. He didn't open up the can because that would have really pissed him off.
Snake reevaluated what he could do with the available materials. Okay, I'll make some cheese omelets.
Snake looked in the cabinets underneath the microwave and found a skillet and a bowl in which he could mix the ingredients. He placed those on the counter and got the large mug that he saw in the dish rack next to the sink. He poured the coffee into the mug and though he figured that Otacon wanted it black he still asked how the engineer wanted it.
"Black with two spoonfuls of sugar."
Snake made the minor adjustment and brought the man his coffee. He noticed that Otacon looked significantly better.
"Thanks, Snake," Otacon said gratefully. He took a sip and it was like his brain switched from auxiliary to main power. Snake walked back into the kitchen to prepare his 'dinner'.
The sometime hacker took another sip of his coffee and realized something.
"Snake," Otacon called, "some of these files I took off of my computer and burned to CD.
Snake was currently trying to get the mold of the cheddar cheese without removing much of the edible parts. Yeah, there's some cheese in this mold.
"Oh yeah? When did you make those CDs?"
"About four months ago."
"Huh," Snake grunted. "Do you think you can hack into their files and see when they got your information?"
"I don't know. I think so." Otacon would have normally responded, "Of course!" but he couldn't underestimate an organization that could break through one of his programs.
"What else do you have to lose? I think you're already running $750,000 to $150,000,000 in the hole," Snake joked.
"Shut up, Dave!" Otacon said heatedly, though Snake could hear a little good humor leaking in.
***
Snake was feeling rather lazy and instead of making two omelets for Hal and himself he decided he would make one humongous one that he would split in 'half'. He was currently trying to manipulate the skillet and spatula in such a way that when he flipped the omelet it wouldn't self-destruct. With some deft movements he manage to succeed.
It's all in the wrists, Snake thought.
"Snake, I'm in!" Otacon yelled.
"Good. Now you can find out what's going on." He said this as he fixed their plates. Snake's portion was approximately sixty percent of the nearly perfectly round omelet. He wrapped Otacon's portion in plastic wrap and put it on the counter. He had considered eating the whole thing, but he knew his friend would probably want something to eat later.
Snake walked back into the living room and sat down on the comfortable couch. He placed the green placemat he acquired from the top of the microwave on the coffee table in front of him. He figured that Otacon was going to be very busy in his office and wouldn't want to be disturbed. He needed to find a way to entertain himself. Otacon's entertainment stand held a 36" screen TV, a DVD player, and several videogame systems.
He reached for the TV remote control that was next to the placemat and stated flipping through the many stations until he came across something that captured his eye:
The Three Stooges.
It took a minute for Snake to realize which episode he was watching. Throughout his life he'd probably seen all of their skits.
Oh, this is the one when they got arrested for making beer.
Snake took a bite of his meal. It wasn't too bad. All the talk of beer on the Three Stooges really made him want one. He wondered if Otacon had any. He hadn't seen any in the refrigerator. He had seen some Cola. That'll have to do.
On the TV screen, Curly appeared to be heavier than usual due to a beer keg hidden under his jacket.
Snake shook his head at the image because he could relate in his on way. If cigarettes became prohibited all of a sudden how would he react? Years ago when that vengeful woman, Dr. Naomi Hunter told Snake not to bring cigarettes on his mission, he found a way to ensure he was not without his ironic life preserver. Snake returned his attention to the silliness on screen.
As Snake continued to eat and watch the three idiots he wondered if he could do anything else to help his friend. At this point everything that could be done had to be via computer.
I don't have any skills that would be of any use to him now. Snake knew his limitations. In the realm of computer technology, Snake was too thin to win and too light to fight.
"Snake, can you get me a refill on the coffee!" Otacon called from the office he holed himself away in.
Well maybe one skill, Snake thought ruefully. He put the plate with his half eaten omelet on the placemat.
Snake got off the couch and went into Otacon's office. The room was dark except for the illumination coming from one computer monitor. There were several computers in the room. Snake at one time asked Otacon why did he need so many computers. Wasn't one enough? Otacon had looked at Snake as if the espionage artist asked something so ridiculous that it ruptured the time space continuum. He explained to Snake in very simplistic terms that some of the computers were for fun things like computer games and others were for 'work'.
Snake assumed that the computer that Otacon was currently operating was in the 'work' category. Otacon's fingers flew across the keyboard at amazing speed. Snake watched in amazement for a few moments and then reached for the hacker's coffee mug. The large mug was completely drained. Even the few droplets of liquid that usually hug the inside of a cup were absent.
"Find anything, yet?" Snake asked his friend.
"No. Nothing" Otacon responded, his eyes never straying from the monitor.
Otacon's expression was very intense and Snake thought at that moment his friend resembled a mad scientist. The thin man's eyes were wide open and there was sweat on his forehead and some sweat was collecting on his upper lip. Otacon wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
Snake jokingly thought that maybe he should make like a nurse in an operation room and get a towel and wipe Otacon's brow. He shook his head and went back into the kitchen and poured Otacon's coffee. Before leaving he took a Cola for himself from the fridge.
He returned to Otacon's office and placed the coffee on the computer desk. The hacker reached for the mug without missing a beat. He was still typing with one hand. Snake could barely type with two. Otacon had laughed at him at one time saying that he used what could be described as a 'hunt and peck' style of typing. Snake hadn't been too happy with that comment but instead of bringing up any topic that related to peeing in pants just said, "Whatever."
Snake wondered if the lack of light would strain his bespectacled friend's eyes.
"Do you want me to turn the light on?"
"No. It'll mess up my flow."
Your flow? Snake decided to leave that alone. Everyone had their own ways of doing things.
"Okay," Snake said and he left Otacon to do his 'work'.
Snake sat back down and resumed eating. He made it back in time for one of his favorite parts of this particular episode: Curly's stirring rendition of 'Home on the Range'.
Oh give me a home Where the buffalo roamAnd the deer and the antelope
Are playyyyyyyyyying!
It was a good thing that Snake hadn't taken a swig of his cola, because it would have been spewed on the carpet and coffee table. Even though he saw this short numerous times he still succumbed to laughter at that part.
Two good laughs in one day. It's been awhile since that's happened to me.
He felt guilty again for laughing because just around the corner his friend was fighting to save his pocketbook.
***
After finishing his meal, Snake washed and dried his plate and returned it to the china cabinet. He looked at a few more Three Stooges shorts and due to a big yawn he then decided to take a light nap. Snake really didn't feel like looking at any of Otacon's animes or playing one of his friend's videogames.
If Otacon needed him he would probably yell again. With that thought Snake took his shoes off and placed them near the couch and grabbed one of the throw pillows and put it under his head.
Snake had fifteen minutes of sleep when Otacon came running out of his office with some startling news.
"Snake!"
"W-what?" Snake asked coming awake and reaching into the couch cushion instinctively for a weapon. He found one, but if there were any bad guys around they would only be hit with the infrared rays of Otacon's remote control instead of bullets from a gun.
Otacon looked at Snake quizzically and the elite operative could only stare at the remote he held so aggressively with a dumb expression. He lowered his hand and repeated his question.
"What?"
"I couldn't… I didn't find my name on the list!" Otacon sputtered.
"Then why did you get that letter. Maybe they clear the names of the people they sue after they send the paper work out."
"Snake, do you honestly think that they would clear evidence from their records like that?" Otacon asked while shaking his head.
Snake's slightly sleepy mind went over the latest developments again. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
"No. But I still don't understand why you received those documents."
"I don't know, but my name wasn't on that list. I feel sorry for those that are though. Some of them are probably poor old folks whose grandkids come over and download all that stuff."
Snake nodded. "I heard of some stories like that on the news."
Otacon ran a hand through his unruly hair. "I really wish there was something I could do for them, but I had to get out of that system. If I tampered with their data and got caught I really would be…" he left the sentence hanging.
"In some deep shit," Snake finished the sentence for him. "It almost seems like someone went out of their way to give you a heart attack. Are you sure you're in the clear?"
"I'm pretty sure."
Snake looked down as he became lost in his thoughts. After a moment he looked back up at Otacon, looking slightly alarmed. "You don't think the Patriots were behind it do you?"
Otacon let the idea process for a moment and shook his head slowly. "It doesn't seem like their style. If they ever did something like this, which I doubt they would, they would have made it concrete." He laughed a little bit. "If this was how they operate, I guess I could relate to how Jack feels."
Snake looked at him and laughed also. He was going to tell Otacon about Jack's recent dealings with the AI Colonel but he noticed that his friend's expression changed. He looked really serious.
"Know how Jack feels… know how Jack feels," Otacon said with a faraway voice as he paced in front of Snake.
The engineer stopped pacing and his eyes hardened. "Son of a bitch must pay."
"What?"
"Snake, this sounds like one of those practical jokes that Jack's 'buddy' would play," Otacon said angrily.
"I don't know, Otacon. He usually does stupid stuff like order pizzas and Playgirl subscriptions. Plus he only messes around with Jack's mind."
"Snake, who's to say that the AI Colonel's pestering is exclusive to Jack? We were all involved in the Big Shell incident."
Snake found Otacon's comment to be very similar to what Jack said to him earlier that morning.
"Just laugh it up. Laugh it up while you can, because who's to say when he's tired of bothering me he won't start on you or Otacon?"
"I was talking to Jack this morning and the Colonel got him in trouble with Rose. Again."
"Was he able to sort everything out with Rose?" Otacon asked, concern present in his voice.
"Yeah, everything's fine now. I told him I would ask if you could do anything about it. He said don't worry about it, that we had more important things to do, but now I'm not so sure. The AI Colonel may prove to be a problem."
Otacon sat down next to his friend. He nodded his head. "Oh, he is a problem. A big one."
Snake turned to his friend. "I'm almost curious about what he'll try to pull on me."
"That's pretty morbid, Snake."
Snake nodded his head. "Yeah, I know. You think you can do anything about him?"
Otacon sighed. "I can only try my best."
Snake smiled and patted his friend on the back, "Well that's pretty damn good in my book."
With that huge compliment given to him, Otacon couldn't do anything else but smile.
The two men sat in companionable silence until a loud noise disturbed it: Otacon's stomach.
"Sooo, Dave. What did you make?"
The two friends laughed.
***
After Otacon quickly ate what was left of the omelet, Snake decided he had done all he could do.
"You got everything covered now?"
Otacon smiled and nodded his head. He was so relieved that he wasn't going to be sent to the poor house that he gave Snake a hug.
"Thanks, Dave. For being there and keeping a level head."
Snake patted his friend on the back and said, "No problem." He was almost tempted to say that's what friends are for, but left it alone.
"You had me pretty worried there with that whole 'I'm going to have to sell my anime collection' crap."
Otacon scratched the back of his head. He was feeling a little embarrassed. "Heh, how about that?"
Snake walked to the door to let himself out and before he cleared the threshold he turned to Otacon and said, "For cripes' sake throw away that moldy ass bread!"
Otacon laughed. "I will. Good night, and thanks again."
Snake walked to his car shaking his head. Never a dull moment, he thought as he turned on the ignition and pulled away from Otacon's house.
A/N: I started writing this story last September when the RIAA was being really aggressive. I was going to abandon the story because the RIAA had slowed down on their activity, and I no longer thought the story was relevant. But here they go again, suing people's pants off. The following are my original author notes.
This story could probably be considered part of 'Crazy Colonel Campbell Codec Calls' but I wanted it to be a stand-alone story, since it didn't focus solely on Raiden's plight. Originally I was going to have Snake get a subpoena about serving jury duty. *lol* But then I thought about all this drama with the RIAA and I figure that Otacon was the most likely person to be susceptible to their scrutiny. I really wanted to parody this recent legal issue because I think it's so out of hand.
To charge up to $150,000 per copyrighted song (I'm not making this up. I got it straight from the RIAA's website). I'm sorry, no song is that good. I understand that they are trying to protect the artists' work, but the fact that so many people are downloading music should show the music industry that there is something inherently wrong, mainly the fact that the prices of music CDs are too damn high.
What's funnier still is that a recent issue of Blender boasted a cover that says it contains the '1001 Greatest Songs to Download Right Now.' Um… are they frickin' crazy? They do realize that old ladies and broke college students are being sued.
Getting off my soapbox now…*trips and falls*
*LMAO* The 'Son of a bitch must pay.' comment came from Big Trouble in Little China. If you want to hear it, rent the movie or go to wingkong.net then go to Sounds and then scroll down to 'Jack Burton–Wav files. The filename is bitch.wav. Such a funny movie! Wingkong.net is one of the best Big Trouble in Little China fan sites out there.
Oh yeah, I know next to nothing about computers, so I was basically talking out my ass (pulling a Snake). Don't be too harsh on me.
As usual I'd appreciate any comments about this story. Also I would like to know your thoughts on the whole RIAA issue.