Author's Note: This is a joke fic that I made up because I'm bored. It's about the identity of the Akatsuki Leader. Warning! Contains OOC behavior, a slight hint of something sexual in nature (the first line of dialogue), and supposedly dead people in bath robes!
I don't own Naruto, Akatsuki (Or do I… DUM! DUM! DUUUUUMMM!!!… not really), Ronald McDonald, Miracle-Grow, Dora the Explorer, The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or random people that the cast of Naruto don't know.
Part 1 of 2: Who is the Leader?
It was an average day in the Akatsuki lair. Itachi and Kisame were off on a mission, while Hidan and Kakuzu were busy being dead/incapacitated and Zetsu, Deidara, Tobi, the Unnamed Member, and the Leader were all gathered in the central meeting room. Zetsu was eating from a bag of Miracle-Grow while Deidara was making a move on the Unnamed Member.
"So… Unnamed Member, these mouths on my hands make for a completely unique… experience. Do you want to try it?"
"My name isn't 'Unnamed Member', it's…"
Suddenly, the Akatsuki Leader interrupted.
"I have an announcement! I have decided to reveal my secret identity!"
All members present gasped.
"I'm really…" The Akatsuki Leader came out of the shadows, "… Ronald McDonald!"
All members present gasped again, louder. Tobi fainted.
"Good Riddance," Deidara said.
"You see, I founded this organization not to conquer the world… but to capture the bijuu, for they're what's really in McDonald's hamburgers. And, I've gathered all of you so I could one day defeat my arch nemesis, the Burger King, who is too powerful for me to handle on my own," Ronald said.
Suddenly, the sound of a toilet flushing was heard, and the Akatsuki bathroom door opened up.
"Who is that clown and why is he wearing my uniform?!" An angry voice said.
Yondaime, clad in a bathrobe, approached Ronald McDonald.
"I am the Akatsuki Leader!" Ronald shouted.
"No, I am. You imposter!" Yondaime countered, "I faked my own death years ago so I could come here!"
"You liar! I am clearly the leader!" Ronald yelled.
Yondaime and Ronald began a slap fight.
"I'm the leader!"
"No, I am!"
Suddenly, Itachi and Kisame entered to see a bathrobe-clad Yondaime slap-fighting Ronald McDonald.
"Uh… I think somebody needs to explain what's going on," Itachi said.
"They're arguing over which one of them is our leader. Want some Miracle-Grow?" Zetsu said.
"No… I just ate," Itachi came up with an excuse.
"I'm good," Kisame held out a large-size bag of fish food for all to see.
Suddenly, Jiraiya entered through a back door.
"Sensei! Please tell this fast food mascot that I'm the leader and he's not," Yondaime said.
"You are right about one thing, he's not the Akatsuki Leader. But, you're not the leader either…" Jiraiya said, "… because I am!"
Everyone gasped again.
"Why else do you think I vanished from the plot as soon as Akatsuki became more important?" Jiraiya asked, "I've been leading it this whole time!"
"You liar!" Ronald McDonald said.
"How dare you!" Yondaime said.
Jiraiya joined the slap fight, which became a three-way battle. Suddenly, Dora the Explorer entered.
"I'm back from exploring and ready to assume my leader-ly duties!" she said. She began cackling maniacally. Everyone gasped again.
"Hey, you can't be the Akatsuki Leader, I am!"
"No, I am!"
"No, I am!"
"Silence, you fools. For years, I have been leading Akatsuki and, at the same time, brainwashing children to raise the next generation as my mindless slaves and conquer the world!" Dora said, "I am the Akatsuki Leader!"
Dora the Explorer joined the fight in the middle of the room. Suddenly, a loud, booming voice was heard.
"Foolish mortals! I am the Akatsuki Leader!" Sauron, from the Lord of the Rings entered, clad in the battle armor from the beginning of the Fellowship of the Ring (as opposed to the 'eye' form from most of it).Everyone gasped again.
"You see, I have created this organization so I could get back the One Ring. Those rings that you're all wearing are the same ones that my Ringwraiths used to have!" Sauron joined the slap fight.
It was at this time when a large number of assorted good guys barged in.
"All right, Akatsuki, we've come to defeat you!" Naruto said.
"Uh… what's that about?" Kakashi pointed to the middle of the room, where Ronald McDonald, Yondaime in a bath robe, Jiraiya, Dora the Explorer, and Sauron were all slapping each other across the face.
"They're arguing over who's our leader. Want some Miracle-Grow?" Zetsu asked.
Each person present gave their own, personalized rejection.
"Fine, more for me," Zetsu continued eating the fertilizer.
"Well… they're all wrong!" A voice came from the crowd.
Everyone gasped as Hinata stepped forth.
"… because I am the Akatsuki Leader!" she said.
"Hinata?! How could you?" Naruto said.
"I'm sorry. I was just so sick of you not noticing me, so I became the leader of an evil organization bent on conquering the world to get your attention," Hinata said.
"No, I didn't mean that, I meant How could you lie about being the Akatsuki Leader," Naruto answered, "You can't lead Akatsuki… because I am the real Akatsuki Leader!"
Like always, everyone gasped.
"No you're not, Naruto!" Everyone's gaze turned to the doorway, where Sasuke was now standing, "…because I am!"
Everyone gasped… again.
"You see, my brother wasn't the one who really murdered my clan… I did!"
"I knew it! I was testing my vessel, by that I mean my boat! (Author's Note: joke taken from the comics at I was framed!" Itachi said.
"… and then I came here, whilst fooling everyone with my clever ruse," Sasuke finished.
Hinata, Naruto, and Sasuke entered the slap fight. Suddenly, Asuma walked into the room.
"Asuma! You're alive!" Kurenai leapt into the air.
"Of course I'm alive…" Asuma said, "…I'm the Akatsuki Leader! I told Hidan and Kakuzu of my identity so I could fake my death and come here."
Everyone gasped yet another time, and Asuma joined the ever-increasing fight over who was the Akatsuki Leader.
"Quiet! All of you!" Tenten yelled, "Why do you think I've never got that much screen time? Why are all of my moves filler for the anime? The only logical explanation is the correct one… I am the Akatsuki Leader!"
Everyone gasped, Tenten joined the slap fight, and another stranger entered. It was Voldemort!
"I am the Akatsuki Leader!" The evil wizard said, "Why do you think Orochimaru left Akatsuki? There just wasn't enough room for two snake-obsessed villains."
Voldemort joined the slap fight as everyone gasped.
Suddenly, another person entered. "None of you can be the leader… because I am!"
"Some Random Person we don't know!" everyone gasped.
The RPtTDK (Random Person that They Don't Know) joined the slap fight. All twelve people claiming to be the Akatsuki Leader stood in a circle. Ronald slapped Yondaime, who slapped Jiraiya, who slapped Dora, who slapped Sauron, who slapped Hinata, who slapped Naruto, Who slapped Sasuke, who slapped Asuma, who slapped Tenten, who slapped Voldemort, who slapped the RPtTDK, who slapped Ronald McDonald. This chain continued for several minutes as the onlookers starred blankly.
Who is the real Akatsuki Leader? This puzzling question will be answered in the exciting, shocking conclusion… next time on Dragon Ba… wait, that's not right. I meant next chapter.
To be continued…