A/N: OMG I'M BAAAAAACK! :D
Okay, this story was previously posted on this site, but it was removed because someone reported me for having a story in "script form." To evade this issue, I have added more content to make it more of a narrative than a script.
For those of you who are new to this story, know this: I love these characters. J.K. Rowling is one of the best authors on this earth. I am in no manner trying to dis her writing; this is purely for comedic purposes.
I do not own Harry Potter or Facebook
Harry sighed as he draped his cloak across one of the couches in the Gryffindor common room, stretching his limbs and flexing his nonexistent muscles to the amusement of the girls nearby. It had been another exhausting day of signing autographs, enduring Snape's monotonous lectures, and generally being his awesome self. To take his mind off of all his daily struggles, Harry decided to open his new piece of muggle technology: a laptop. They were all the rage in the wizard community, even with the muggle-hating Slytherins, so he decided to purchase one himself.
Ron and Hermione, his two less attractive lackeys, had begged him to participate in the new social media phenomenon called "Facebook." They claimed that it was an even more efficient system of staying in touch with friends and family than Owls, which Harry found hard to believe. What could be easier than writing a letter with a quill and parchment and then attaching it to a bird that would deliver it a day or so later?
The concept quickly grew on him when he opened an account and instantly had 200 million friends.
Harry became what some would call a "Facebook Addict," going so far as to post daily selfies and pictures of his food (Instagram had yet to be introduced to the wizard community.) When he logged on today, a particularly revolting post caught his attention.
Hermione: Just finished the Twilight series! I can't wait to watch the movies!
Ginny likes this
Yep, Hermione had officially hit rock bottom.
Comments:
Ginny: I just finished the second movie! Isn't it great?
Hermione: Edward is so dreamy!
Ron: You two can't be serious…
Ginny: Ron, could you go comment elsewhere?
Hermione: Yeah, Ron. I mean, have you seen the guy's abs?!
Ron: Edward is the most disgusting gay princess I've ever seen! You could do way better, Hermione.
Hermione: … Are you implying something?
Ron: NO!
Ginny: You're blushing, Ron.
Ron: No I'm not, you can't even see me!
Ginny: You're sitting right next to me…
Harry couldn't stand watching this nonsense ensue any longer, so he decided to join in the fray.
Harry: Seriously, guys, Edward are a total creep.
Ron: Thank you!
Edward: I thought we were friends, Harry.
He leapt out of the couch, causing the laptop to fall onto the floor. First of all, he thought that Edward was a fictional character, and second of all, he had never met him. Therefore, there was no way that he could make assumptions on their friendship. But then again…
He sexily wiped his glasses lens on his shirts (because he did everything sexily) and looked back on the screen. Edward's profile picture was starting to look more familiar.
Ginny: OH MY GOSH IT'S EDAJDFK;das/fdkan
Ron: Ginny just fainted on the keyboard…
Hermione: EDWARD CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!
Edward: Of course, my beautiful Hermione.
Hermione: OH MY GOKJNDjkldnfjksdngvkjsdfn
Ron: And there goes Hermione.
Harry: Wait a second… Ron, look at his profile picture!
Ron: Why, I don't see anything too weir- OMG IT'S CEDRIC
Harry: CEDRIC YOU FREAKING DIED
Edward: Technically, yes.
Harry: AND NOW YOU SPARKLE
Edward: Yeah.
Ron: AND YOU'RE A VAMPIRE
Edward: Also correct.
Harry: AND YOU DATE EXPRESSIONLESS GIRLS WHO EXHALE LOUDLY EVERY THIRTY SECONDS
Edward: Are you guys bringing Bella into this? Seriously? Harry, you're dating your best friend's sister.
His extreme shock and disgust was quickly replaced with confusion. After all, dating Ginny even though she used to be one of his most devoted fangirls wasn't awkward in the slightest. He actually enjoyed how she fawned over him and praised his every accomplishment.
Not that he was a narcissist or anything.
Harry: So?
Edward: And Ron, you're crushing on the girl who used to have beaver teeth and an afro.
Hermione: What happened to "my beautiful Hermione?"
Ron: She's back, everyone. AND I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HERMIONE!
Ginny: Tell it to your diary…
Ron: OHMYGOSH GINNY DID YOU TAKE MY DIARY!?
Harry chuckled at the memory of reading Ron's diary with his girlfriend. The bloody ginger wrote of nothing but his "feelings," and constantly brought up "that weird unicorn-y feeling I get when Hermione is with me." Now that Ron was aware of the intrusion he made on his privacy, perhaps he could inquire about that unicorn-y feeling.
He didn't exactly know how one could feel like a unicorn, but he did feel a burst of adrenaline whenever he looked in the mirror.
Edward: Burn.
Harry: Shut up, princess.
Ginny: Dear Diary, today Hermione looked totally hot in her Yule Ball dre-
Ginny has been disconnected
Hermione: …Ron?
Ron: Oh, look at that, my sister's laptop somehow fell out the window… gee, imagine that.
Edward: Well, it was nice talking to you all again, but I must bid you adieu. It's almost 10, and I have to crawl through my girlfriend's window so I can watch her sleep.
Harry: Well… see ya.
Harry acted like he was logging off of the computer, but secretly stayed behind to check if his friends were going to trash-talk him. Or Internet-snog. Whichever came first.
Hermione: …
Ron: …
Hermione: Want to pretend this never happened?
Ron: Gladly.
Sighing at the lack of entertainment he received from the final banter, he officially logged off of Facebook, taking one last refreshing glance in the mirror (yep, carrying those 300 pound text books was finally beginning to pay off) before going to sleep.
Harry couldn't stifle his sexy giggles (because everything he did was sexy) as he slid his new smart phone under his desk. He now had access to Facebook on the go, which expanded his selfie abilities. The muggle technology was causing students to lose house points left and right- Hufflepuff had been falsely accused so many times that they held -567,345 points in all. Even worse, they were too nice and socially awkward to admit that they weren't the wrong doers.
When it came to Harry, however, there was no need to accuse the badger-loving dimwits. He had become so accustomed to the device that it was practically an extension of his hand, and he used a scrap from his invisibility cloak to conceal it when necessary. Snape had the sharpest eye when it came to spotting the laptops and cell phones, but Harry had learned how to sit at such an angle that his ginormous nose put him in his blind spot.
Harry: I'm on Facebook during Snape's class! #YOLO
Collin and 23 others liked this
Comments:
Ron: For heaven's sake, Harry, stop using hashtags. This isn't Twitter.
Harry: Wait, you're on Facebook, too?
Neville: And me.
Draco: And me.
Okay, so maybe he wasn't as skilled as he thought he was. Nevertheless, he would have a hearty laugh when the three other dimwits were caught. Then he could post as many selfies as he'd want without being called "egotistic."
Harry: JUST LEAVE MALFOY GOSH NO ONE LIKES YOU
Draco: Geez, cool your cauldrons, Potter.
Severus: 10 points from Gryffindor.
Harry: WHAT
Ron: WHAT
Neville: WHAT
Draco: Ha, in your faces.
Ron: SNAPE HAS A FACEBOOK
Harry's eyes darted up to Snape's desk. To his amazement, he was caught in the gaze of the greasy-haired professor, who smirked slightly before pressing the "Enter" button on his keyboard. A private message popped up on his screen from the Potions Instructor, telling him to check his profile page.
His eyes widened when he reached it, and not just because his status was labeled "it's complicated" with his own mother.
Harry: HOW DOES HE HAVE MORE FOLLOWERS THAN ME!?
Hermione: *I
In all honesty, Harry felt a bit conflicted when he received Voldemort's friend request. After all, he had been trying to kill him for the past few years. At the same time, however, Harry's goal was to acquire 1 million friends by Christmas.
Of course, now he witnessed several gruesome and psychotic posts every day. But that was only a minor issue.
Voldemort: Just killed another innocent family! #IMEVIL
Bellatrix and 23 others like this
Comments:
Ron: Again with the hashtags!
Voldemort: How about I kill you and your family, Weasely?
Ron: H-how do you know my last name?
Voldemort: It's on your profile page, you idiotic ginger. Is your family too poor to purchase you a brain?
Harry laughed out loud at the comment- very sexily, might I add- and began to type a response. Humiliating Ron was one of his favorite activities.
Harry: Ohh, Burn!
Ron: Harry, you're complimenting your mortal enemy!
Harry: Come on, Ron, you have to admit that it was a good one!
Voldemort: BTW, Harry, I'm totally gonna kill you this year.
Harry chuckled again. He'd heard that one before.
Harry: You've said that for like 5 years already, bro. Just give it a rest.
*Hagrid: Myr dernn fngerss aree to ffat fer thissh keybordh
No one likes this
*This post was inspired by a Suite Life on Deck episode
A/N: Thanks for reading! I really appreciate comments if you feel up for it, and critiques are always welcome! Love ya guys!
~Hastalapasta